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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

With how my SIL reacts to this situation?

241 replies

Ihateeveryone56 · 27/10/2021 09:31

My brother, SIL and niece are all visiting my house for a few days. They go home tomorrow and I can not wait just because of how they pander and react to this situation!

I have a dog who is a rescue. She is 2 and half but trained. It’s taken a lot of hard work on my part and my dogs part to be trained and get to the point we are at. We still go to weekly classes and have constant training sessions. My niece is 5 coming up to 6 and she reacts to my dog very badly. My dog is a medium sized breed that comes up to roughly knee height. Every single time my niece comes into a room my dog is in/comes down the stairs/just sits in a room and my dog walks in she screams at the top of her lungs. I mean a really high pitched cut through your soul kind of scream. This in turn scares the crap out of my dog which makes her run away and in turn makes my niece scream louder (which I didn’t know was possible)!

I tell my niece to stop screaming because it’s not nice and there’s no reason too. She then demands to be picked up by her mom (SIL) and she does it straight away. Instead of sitting there and saying you’re being silly, she’s fine, there’s nothing wrong she panders to her picks her up and thus re- starts the cycle of screaming/picking up and not accepting my dog. This is my dog, my dogs home and not theirs. I’ve put up a stair gate for the last 2 days so I can stop my dog coming into the lounge but I feel like I shouldn’t have to do that? My niece will then stand the other side of the gate calling her a bad girl and a naughty dog when all she’s doing is lying there. I do tell her off for saying this but doesn’t seem to change a thing.

For context they own a terrier type dog who is a lot smaller than mine however that dog has actually bitten my niece on her cheek in the past but they still have the dog. My dog has never once bitten and is certainly not aggressive.

AIBU to be annoyed at the pandering to the behaviour she is showing? I have explained to my SIL and my brother if she stops screaming everytime the dog comes in then we have no issues but they still don’t correct her.

OP posts:
SVRT19674 · 27/10/2021 11:49

I am amused by this annoyance at a scared to death 5 year old who is trying to tell, in five year olds fashion, that the dog behaves and doesn´t bite her. I´m scared of dogs and as far as i was concerned as a kid, if it has teeth it can bite. I think her parents are awful subjecting her to this and you are being unreasonable to blame her.

TrashyPanda · 27/10/2021 11:50

Well done.
Glad they are going
Your updates show her behaviour in an ever more unreasonable light. There can be little doubt that this deliberate, attention seeking behaviour. Especially as your brother agrees with you about the screaming.
Keep on telling her off every time she screams and make her leave the room until she going to behave.

Your poor dog. It’s being terrorised by this kid.

Duchess379 · 27/10/2021 11:57

Poor dog! I too have a rescue & we've just about got him to trust us but he still backs off from strangers & kids are a no no! You have to tell your sis its not fair on the dog & either niece stops screaming or you all go home. All this situation is doing is scaring the dog who will associate 'small people' as scary screamers & the 6yr old gets pandered & heaps of attention. 🐾

Sparkletastic · 27/10/2021 11:59

DN is attention seeking and my god it is working. Glad to hear they are leaving today. Don't invite them for Christmas!

Walkingalot · 27/10/2021 11:59

She probably got loads of attention when her own dog bit her and quite right, terrifying. However, if she is genuinely now terrified of dogs, why did they keep their dog and why stay at yours knowing you have a dog!!! I think she's could be attention seeking.
They must surely realise their DD's behaviour is unacceptable and they need to tackle it. Until then, don't have them visit.

Duchess379 · 27/10/2021 12:02

@ChargingBuck

As regards to me not managing it properly, this is mine and my dogs home. What should I do lock her in a room for the past few days not to leave and not to walk about her house? It’s not a case of “popping into each room” my dog lives here. I’ve got 1 lounge and that’s where she mainly chills am I to shut her out of her own home? How stupid.

Less stupid than allowing the situation to continue interminably, & being annoyed every time it happened but doing nothing to change it!

I would certainly prefer to "lock away" (i.e. secure in a comfy bedroom with a bone/toy, & visited every half hour by me for reassurance & play) my dog, in his own home, than subject him to being screamed at. I can't believe you allowed that to happen to him more than twice - you said it scares him so much he runs away, poor dog.

The alternative option, which I'm glad you've now taken, is to realise the situation is untenable, & send the family home early.

This is not the first time my niece has met my dog. This is about the 5-6th visit now. This is brand new behaviour and she didn’t use to scream at all.
Then maybe something else has happened at home, that DB hasn't told you about. I imagine he'd be too ashamed to tell you about it if he'd allowed his dog to bite or scare his child again.

The OP should lock the niece away in a room seeing as she's the guest & let the dog roam about in its own territory. Problem solved 🙄🐾
Dragongirl10 · 27/10/2021 12:08

You have done the right thing asking them to leave as it is clear that your sils behaviour is positively encouraging your niece to scream and frankly turning her into a brat.

mumofbun · 27/10/2021 12:10

I think the only thing wrong here is how everyone has let the situation continue for a few days.

I can't blame the mum for trying to comfort her scared child anymore than i can blame you for wanting your dog to be comfortable in their own home.

If the situation was reversed and the dog was incessantly barking at the child through fear would you comfort it and try and make things better or punish it?

I think the parents should've decided to leave after the first couple of instances where it became clear the child couldn't leave the dog alone.

LookItsMeAgain · 27/10/2021 12:10

@ITSSSSCHRISTMASSS

YABU to ask parents to stop pandering to their scared child YABU to expect a 5yo child to control her fear of your dog YABU for telling a 5yo child off

YANBU to want you dog to be able to wonder around your home freely without being scared or afraid.

YABU to invite them when you knew there was going to be an issue

@ITSSSSCHRISTMASSS - The OP didn't know there was going to be an issue as the OP's relatives and this niece has visited before (read the OP's posts) and there wasn't an issue. Same dog, same home, same relatives, no previous issue.

Your post was out of line saying she was being unreasonable asking parents to stop pandering to a scared child. The child wasn't scared on previous visits and with a bit of calmness and an explanation that is suitable for the 5yr old to understand, the screaming could stop and the fear could be turned around. You're also out of line for saying that the OP was unreasonable for telling a 5 year old child to stop screaming.

ITSSSSCHRISTMASSS · 27/10/2021 12:14

@LookItsMeAgain of course she is unreasonable to ask parents to stop pandering to their own child, it’s their child, they can pander as much as they want, she has absolutely no right to dictate how they parent their child.

Mulhollandmagoo · 27/10/2021 12:20

Locking a dog away in its own home for multiple days isn't fair at all, a day maybe so - but not multiple days!

Nobody is in the wrong here, nobody knew your niece would be so frightened of the dog but as soon as you all realised it was an untenable situation between the three adults you should have made the decision for them to leave. You all know now that this isn't something that is possible until your niece feels comfortable

pictish · 27/10/2021 12:27

Yanbu at all. You sound responsible, empathetic and reasonable in your thinking on this. You are quite right, you cannot lock the dog away.
Your niece has suffered fright from a bite from her own dog and now fears a bigger bite from a bigger dog. Not your fault.

Unfortunately what I suspect may happen is that this event becomes all about the time you put ‘a dog’ before your niece according to SIL…even though she herself has kept a dog that bit her daughter.
I hope your brother is able to calm the waters going forward so there is no residual ill-feeling going forward.

Bookworm20 · 27/10/2021 12:28

As regards to me not managing it properly, this is mine and my dogs home. What should I do lock her in a room for the past few days not to leave and not to walk about her house? It’s not a case of “popping into each room” my dog lives here. I’ve got 1 lounge and that’s where she mainly chills am I to shut her out of her own home?

Yes you keep it out of the room! If your niece has suddenly become terrified of your dog, you have the dog leave the room - not your niece. Sorry its a shit situation, but you sound like you are prioritising the bloody dog over your little niece.

However unreasonable her behaviour is to the dog, there is obviously a reason for it. Has anyone actually asked her why she is suddenly scared of the dog?
Its a big dog to a 5 year old. If its knee height to you, its almost face height to her. So put in persepctive, its like you coming face to face with an animal the size of a bear. And the adults in the house are repeatedly letting this dog into the same room the child is when she is clearly terrified of it.

I understand its your dogs home, but you've had it just over a year. Surely your niece is more important?

Honestly instead of just thinking your niece is being an entitled brat and has it in for your dog for no reason at all, perhaps the adults in her life ALL OF THEM that are there should be addressing it and working together to deal with it instead of just saying well the dog lives here so tough shit.

Has the dog done something to scare her since she arrived, as you say she was ok with it before? Have you asked her? perhaps it bounded up and scared her when you and her parents were not in the room? Or growled at her? It is a rescue dog and unfortunately, however much training they have had, can be unpredictable is something triggers something in their past that was perhaps traumatic.

I only say this because we had a rescue dog, lots of training, so placid and such a lovely dog. no issues at all. Had him for 3 years. Until one day an old friend visited who had a cowboy type hat on and the dog went mental, never seen anything like it. barking, growling, snarling. hat got removed and dog calmed down. So you just never know. I just can't imagine a small child suddenly screaming at a dog for no reason at all unless its done something to scare her?
And her telling it its naughty when its behind the gate. perhaps thats why, but she is safe behind the gate so able to tell it off them instead of when its in her face.

Perhaps address the actual issue instead of kicking them out early because you don't agree with your SIL's parenting method in calming her terrified child.

pictish · 27/10/2021 12:31

@mumofbun

I think the only thing wrong here is how everyone has let the situation continue for a few days.

I can't blame the mum for trying to comfort her scared child anymore than i can blame you for wanting your dog to be comfortable in their own home.

If the situation was reversed and the dog was incessantly barking at the child through fear would you comfort it and try and make things better or punish it?

I think the parents should've decided to leave after the first couple of instances where it became clear the child couldn't leave the dog alone.

This is true. I too would comfort and reassure my frightened child. The visit should have been cut short yes, but I suppose everyone assumed/hoped the situation would sort itself out and niece would settle. She didn’t. What a shame. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, as is being an observer to someone else’s dilemma.
Rainbowheart1 · 27/10/2021 12:33

She is obviously scared of the dog. When it’s behind a gate, she knows she’s safe. Instead of her telling the dog off, why don’t you give her some little treats to throw through the gate for the dog to eat, your niece will enjoy that and it’s positive work for the dog too.

Rainbowheart1 · 27/10/2021 12:34

My pup, complete pride and joy, is shut behind a gate when my nephews visit, it’s for one of them and for my dog really.

IntermittentParps · 27/10/2021 12:34

I'm glad you've told them to go. The SIL sounds thick as mince.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/10/2021 12:38

Cut the visit short and book them a taxi now!

WeCalledTheDogIndiana · 27/10/2021 12:49

Do you have children, OP? Or a lot off experience of looking after children?

I ask because I agree that the best thing here would be for your DN to stop screaming, but I don't understand why you are so sure ignoring her is the best or only way to achieve it. If it's attention seeking, your suggestion (tell her to stop being silly/sit still/not pick her up) might work but it's high risk - would require the dog to be scared multiple times before that took effect, situation might escalate to dog being aggressive, and it's asking the adults to take a hard line with her when they don't know for sure what the reason behind the behaviour is.

If she's scared, ignoring her won't work and will only make the problem worse.

And no one seems to have tried anything else. You seem to be stuck on "just ignore her", you SIL seems to be stuck on "I'm the only one willing to look after her", and your DB just seems to be dithering between the two of you.

You know your dog. Your SIL presumably knows what works with your managing DN's behaviour. So you could work together to fix it but instead you've drawn battle lines.

I feel really sorry for both the dog and the little girl.

ddl1 · 27/10/2021 12:52

I sympathize with your niece, if she's been bitten. Many children have phobias of dogs or other animals. And I think you are being U to treat this as essentially naughtiness and any accommodation as 'pandering'.

However, they are also U in bringing a child who has a fear of dogs to stay in (not just visit) a house where there's known to be a dog. Maybe the child should have some sort of treatment for her fear, though I realize that's not so easy to get nowadays. I would also suggest that it may be U for them to keep a dog which has bitten their child, though I admit that I don't know the full story. But it does sound as though they are all (the child understandably, the adults less so) in a sense taking their own dog's behaviour out on yours.

TrashyPanda · 27/10/2021 12:54

Children need to learn boundaries, empathy and consideration to others. And that includes animals.

Hopefully now that your brother has realised that her behaviour is unacceptable, he can work on helping her develop.

AuntMargo · 27/10/2021 12:55

What a brat, tell them to go home and if she's cannot behave then tell them not to bring her again.

SilverBirchWithout · 27/10/2021 12:59

I’d be fuming if my SIL tried to dictate how I comforted my distressed DC.
Don’t worry OP they will not visit you and your Ddog again.

Cascascascas · 27/10/2021 13:00

@Ihateeveryone56

Ask them it’s stops or they have to go early

Subbaxeo · 27/10/2021 13:00

@mumofbun

I think the only thing wrong here is how everyone has let the situation continue for a few days.

I can't blame the mum for trying to comfort her scared child anymore than i can blame you for wanting your dog to be comfortable in their own home.

If the situation was reversed and the dog was incessantly barking at the child through fear would you comfort it and try and make things better or punish it?

I think the parents should've decided to leave after the first couple of instances where it became clear the child couldn't leave the dog alone.

If my dog was behaving g like that, I’d put it into another room away from everyone until it learned to behave. Every time it barked, it would get removed. No attention or comforting.