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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

With how my SIL reacts to this situation?

241 replies

Ihateeveryone56 · 27/10/2021 09:31

My brother, SIL and niece are all visiting my house for a few days. They go home tomorrow and I can not wait just because of how they pander and react to this situation!

I have a dog who is a rescue. She is 2 and half but trained. It’s taken a lot of hard work on my part and my dogs part to be trained and get to the point we are at. We still go to weekly classes and have constant training sessions. My niece is 5 coming up to 6 and she reacts to my dog very badly. My dog is a medium sized breed that comes up to roughly knee height. Every single time my niece comes into a room my dog is in/comes down the stairs/just sits in a room and my dog walks in she screams at the top of her lungs. I mean a really high pitched cut through your soul kind of scream. This in turn scares the crap out of my dog which makes her run away and in turn makes my niece scream louder (which I didn’t know was possible)!

I tell my niece to stop screaming because it’s not nice and there’s no reason too. She then demands to be picked up by her mom (SIL) and she does it straight away. Instead of sitting there and saying you’re being silly, she’s fine, there’s nothing wrong she panders to her picks her up and thus re- starts the cycle of screaming/picking up and not accepting my dog. This is my dog, my dogs home and not theirs. I’ve put up a stair gate for the last 2 days so I can stop my dog coming into the lounge but I feel like I shouldn’t have to do that? My niece will then stand the other side of the gate calling her a bad girl and a naughty dog when all she’s doing is lying there. I do tell her off for saying this but doesn’t seem to change a thing.

For context they own a terrier type dog who is a lot smaller than mine however that dog has actually bitten my niece on her cheek in the past but they still have the dog. My dog has never once bitten and is certainly not aggressive.

AIBU to be annoyed at the pandering to the behaviour she is showing? I have explained to my SIL and my brother if she stops screaming everytime the dog comes in then we have no issues but they still don’t correct her.

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 27/10/2021 10:31

Also - WTF did you title your thread "my SiL" instead of "my DB"?

Does your brother not warrant your ire over his terrible parenting, because he has a penis? Or is it that you dislike his wife, so hand DB a free pass?

godmum56 · 27/10/2021 10:31

@Practicebeingpatient

I grew up with dogs. I like dogs. I would like a dog. However my DH and my eldest child are terrified of them and so it's not an option for our family. Nor do we visit people who have dogs unless they are understanding that the fear is genuine and offer to keep the dogs in another room. And don't get me started in the people that make that offer and then don't stick to it.

I don't understand how so many dog owners just don't understand that the animal they love can be irrationally terrifying to others. It seems easy enough to accept some people have irrational fears of spiders, others of heights or snakes or buttons or clowns but a fear of dogs is seen as a character flaw.

The poor child is scared. Her mum is comforting her. I'm sure when she is older she will control her fear better but for the time being be a bit more understanding.

I have a dog and love dogs. I do understand people who have a fear of dogs (or any animal) be that fear rational (from a cause) or irrational (like my own fear of slugs) I won't shut my dog away for visitors and if I have to have workmen in the house and its necessary to do so, then I get the workman in and started and then I go and be with my dog because he is old and a bit anxious. My best friend has a fear of dogs so we meet at hers or outside. Honestly i wouldn't let a child who has a fear of dogs in my house unless I was sure that the dog I had would be calm and didn't have any fear or nervousness issues.
godmum56 · 27/10/2021 10:32

@ChargingBuck

AIBU to be annoyed at the pandering to the behaviour she is showing? I have explained to my SIL and my brother if she stops screaming everytime the dog comes in then we have no issues but they still don’t correct her.

The poor little kid. She's been bitten by her own family dog & her fuckwitted parents haven't removed the terror & source of pain from what is meant to be her safe environment? No wonder she's acting out at yours!

YANBU to be annoyed.
YABU to have sat there & taken it.

The kid cannot stop herself from screaming, her parents do not try to help her stop. Hardly surprising, given their negligence & lack of concern for their DD's terror, is it?

Instead of talking to a brick wall about if she stops screaming everytime the dog comes in then we have no issues, you needed to have said something like "unless she stops screaming every time the dog comes in, you are going to have to take her home."

And meant it.
It would have made your brother either reassess his crap parenting, or go home. More importantly, if you sent them home, it would have removed your niece - a 5 year old child FFS - from a distressing environment she can neither control or tolerate.

this. its commonsense
Original poster
Ihateeveryone56 · 27/10/2021 10:36

Thank you for all the comments that I have been given. Yes I agree the visit has to be cut short and it is, they are going home this evening.

I should have mentioned this isn’t the first time she’s met my dog. I’ve had my dog for over a year now and she’s stayed and visited multiple times before. This is new behaviour for this visit. I do acknowledge that she is scared of her most likely due to her size but it still doesn’t excuse of calling my dog bad or naughty when she is the other side of the baby gate. I have said I spoke to both my brother and SIL and the only reason I said SIL in the title is because my brother actually took on the explanation I gave them both and he doesn’t pick her up and tells her to stop screaming. It’s my SIL that hasn’t listened to a word I’ve said.

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 27/10/2021 10:36

Honestly, I don't think anyone is particularly in the wrong here

Really, @PetriDisher?

If your family dog bit your small child, would you keep the dog?
This kid lives with a dog that bit her, in her own home.
No wonder she has issues. Her mummy & daddy did nothing about the "naughty dog" who hurt her. No wonder she wants to scold OP's dog, it's possibly the nearest she can get to a feeling of any control whatsoever over her own safety.

User112 · 27/10/2021 10:36

Oh she isn't scared of dogs that bite? Just your dog! How weird!

I know she is only 6, but I find this behaviour ridiculous. Do you want to have a chat with your SIL about it? Just be really nice and assertive - tell her you don't understand what the problem is, but whatever it is, you'd like to sort it out. You love your dog AND your niece - you want them to learn to co-exist in the same room without drama. Ask SIL about a game plan to sort it out. BE REALLY REALLY NICE to the SIL, tell her how much you love your niece AND the dog.

TheCuntessOfMiddlesex · 27/10/2021 10:36

Your house
Your rules
Your dog

I'd be asking them to leave and re visit when the kid's about 25 and not an attention seeking little brat

Carboncheque · 27/10/2021 10:38

I’d tell her parents that as she obviously isn’t comfortable around your dog, with the screaming every time it enters the room and focusing on it even when it’s lying down behind a stair gate, she might be happier not staying over at your house until she finds it less upsetting.

It sounds like she’s learned that it’s a great way to get attention.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 27/10/2021 10:40

well I have learned a lesson very late in life - you cannot control other people's behaviour but you can take yourself out of the situation. Say nothing , just do not issue any further invites . If they ask why , then you can politely but honestly tell them the reason .

Original poster
Ihateeveryone56 · 27/10/2021 10:41

@Ihateeveryone56

Thank you for all the comments that I have been given. Yes I agree the visit has to be cut short and it is, they are going home this evening.

I should have mentioned this isn’t the first time she’s met my dog. I’ve had my dog for over a year now and she’s stayed and visited multiple times before. This is new behaviour for this visit. I do acknowledge that she is scared of her most likely due to her size but it still doesn’t excuse of calling my dog bad or naughty when she is the other side of the baby gate. I have said I spoke to both my brother and SIL and the only reason I said SIL in the title is because my brother actually took on the explanation I gave them both and he doesn’t pick her up and tells her to stop screaming. It’s my SIL that hasn’t listened to a word I’ve said.

Just to add to that I had a conversation with them just after I posted this thread as my niece screamed at my dog again this morning when she was just lay down in her bed. I said to both my SIL and brother it’s not acceptable and my brother apologised for encouraging the behaviour. Within 10 mins of that conversation I took my dog in the kitchen to give her her breakfast and immediately there was screaming again which my brother told her not to but my SIL went straight over and picked her up and shouted for the dog to leave the kitchen. They have been asked to leave by the end of today as it’s not fair for anyone living here.
OP posts:
budgiegirl · 27/10/2021 10:41

I do acknowledge that she is scared of her most likely due to her size but it still doesn’t excuse of calling my dog bad or naughty when she is the other side of the baby gate

While I agree that this sort of behaviour needs to be addressed, it's probably just a result of her fear - it sounds like she's trying to regain control over the situation by proving to herself that she's higher up the pecking order than the dog. I wouldn't be particularly cross about it, but I would expect her parents to explain that it's wrong

Cherrysoup · 27/10/2021 10:42

Really unfair on the dog. I would tell her off myself. If her parents don’t like it, they can go home.

Beautiful3 · 27/10/2021 10:43

Your poor dog. I'd send them home early and say its not fair on the dog. Never have them come to stay again.

ChargingBuck · 27/10/2021 10:44

@Returnoftheowl

If your niece is standing on the other side of the stair gate taunting your dog I wouldn't say she's scared of the dog.

Easiest way to sort this out would be not having them to stay again, at least until the niece is older.

She knows the dog can't get to her from behind the stairgate.

She's not "taunting" OP's dog.
She's remembering that her own dog bit her, mummy & daddy don't seem to care, because the dog is still living with them, scared that this dog too will bite her, & is copying adult 'dog training behaviour' in an attempt to reassure herself that she if she can 'control' this dog, it won't bite her.

Of course she's bloody scared.
You've just picked up on the tone of OP's post @Returnoftheowl, which is far more concerned with her dog than her niece, or her brother's inadequate parenting, & maybe missed that this is a small child who has already been bitten by her parents' dog, which her parents have done precisely fuck all about.

She's not "taunting" - she's trying to protect herself by copying 'dog training', because she knows damn well her parents won't protect her.

IHateFlies · 27/10/2021 10:46

The child may not be taunting the dog but just trying counteract the feeling of fear and powerlessness when she feels when the dog is not safely in the other side of the gate.

Beautiful3 · 27/10/2021 10:46

Sorry I.missed your update. Well done, I'm glad you sorted things. It's not fair on your dog, all that screaming and being told it's naughty/bad. I'd be so annoyed if visitor did that to my dog, because its his home too. Visitors have to be well behaved.

itsallgoingpearshaped · 27/10/2021 10:47

Why on earth didn't you tell your brother to take her home if he wasn't going to make his daughter behave properly around your dog? This is your home, your dog's home.

They are letting her down by allowing her to behave in this manner and catering to it. I'd make it clear you won't be hosting them again until they've taught her some manners.

iloveayankeecandle · 27/10/2021 10:48

My kid hates dogs and I do. So I wouldn't b going to someone's house who has a dog. Mainly because I don't think it's fair on the dog to have a scared child running amok and for them to have to be put away. Tell them to
Go home.

itsallgoingpearshaped · 27/10/2021 10:49

I'm glad you've asked them to leave. Sounds like your SIL is the root problem here, unwilling to correct her child.

senorafridgidaire · 27/10/2021 10:49

Your poor dog. I'd be asking them ever so politely to leave ASAP and explaining that it's just too stressful for them to visit again, meet them away from your house next time.

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 27/10/2021 10:50

God I can't abide this.

A family friend has indulged their daughter's irrational fear of dogs her entire life. She used to stand and scream like your niece. Said daughter is now sixteen and her parents still body block her from any passing dog and very rudely tell the owner to keep it away (most often when they're walking it on a lead on the other side of the pavement).

I wouldn't allow her to say bad dog/naughty girl, that's horrible for your poor dog. I'd say to your brother if DN is so upset by the dog they should go home early.

senorafridgidaire · 27/10/2021 10:52

Sorry OP I also missed your update. Well done on asking them to leave! I wouldn't tolerate anyone shouting at my dog (who sounds quite similar to yours) when it's just minding its own business.

Iwonder08 · 27/10/2021 10:54

This is the first thread I see here where the dog owner is perfectly reasonable. Send them home today with a polite explanation that the little girl clearly has a phobia and it is unfair on both the dog and the girl to continue

Harlequin1088 · 27/10/2021 10:59

Oh ffs these sound the worst kind of parents. Your poor dog.

TulipsTwoLips · 27/10/2021 11:00

I think her saying bad dog, naughty dog is just her way of expressing that the dog is making her feel in a way she doesn't like. That might be because she has been bitten by her own dog, or just because of the size, but I think it's how she's verbalising her feelings - she is only a young child after all. I wouldn't say she's taunting your dog - just maybe trying to remain in control as another poster has suggested.