With how my SIL reacts to this situation?

[Ihateeveryone56]

My brother, SIL and niece are all visiting my house for a few days. They go home tomorrow and I can not wait just because of how they pander and react to this situation!

I have a dog who is a rescue. She is 2 and half but trained. It’s taken a lot of hard work on my part and my dogs part to be trained and get to the point we are at. We still go to weekly classes and have constant training sessions. My niece is 5 coming up to 6 and she reacts to my dog very badly. My dog is a medium sized breed that comes up to roughly knee height. Every single time my niece comes into a room my dog is in/comes down the stairs/just sits in a room and my dog walks in she screams at the top of her lungs. I mean a really high pitched cut through your soul kind of scream. This in turn scares the crap out of my dog which makes her run away and in turn makes my niece scream louder (which I didn’t know was possible)!

I tell my niece to stop screaming because it’s not nice and there’s no reason too. She then demands to be picked up by her mom (SIL) and she does it straight away. Instead of sitting there and saying you’re being silly, she’s fine, there’s nothing wrong she panders to her picks her up and thus re- starts the cycle of screaming/picking up and not accepting my dog. This is my dog, my dogs home and not theirs. I’ve put up a stair gate for the last 2 days so I can stop my dog coming into the lounge but I feel like I shouldn’t have to do that? My niece will then stand the other side of the gate calling her a bad girl and a naughty dog when all she’s doing is lying there. I do tell her off for saying this but doesn’t seem to change a thing.

For context they own a terrier type dog who is a lot smaller than mine however that dog has actually bitten my niece on her cheek in the past but they still have the dog. My dog has never once bitten and is certainly not aggressive.

AIBU to be annoyed at the pandering to the behaviour she is showing? I have explained to my SIL and my brother if she stops screaming everytime the dog comes in then we have no issues but they still don’t correct her.

I can’t bear dogs. I’m not frightened of them in the proper sense of the word; I just find them extremely unpleasant and I hate being jumped at (which is a pretty common occurrence rather than an irrational fear). My DD is frightened of dogs - so I do my best to help her with that. In the OP’s situation, I’d be telling the child “Don’t scream at the dog - you’re making it worse. It’s Auntie hate’s pet, not a marauding tiger and she won’t let it hurt you. Just ignore it and it’ll do the same to you.” I certainly wouldn’t have any truck with the screaming; that’s ridiculous. And - at the end of the day - it’s your house and your dog. If it’s such a problem, they need to leave….

And she stands there berating the dog from the safety of the opposite side of a stair gate and her parents don't see fit to intervene?
That's right.
But she isn't "taunting" the dog - she's attempting to train it, control it so it doesn't bite her - because she knows damn well her parents won't intervene.

Is there any part of the story we're missing here? Did your dog, when you first rescued it, perhaps behave in a way that scared her e.g. jumping up or aggressively barking at her?
Yeah.
You're missing the part where her own family dog bit her, & her parents decided it was a good move to keep the dog. Thus ably demonstrating (to the niece's mind) that they value the dog more highly than the niece's safety, & are happy for their own child to live with an animal who has hurt & terrified her.

And of course it could be bundled up in her little brain with the attack from her own dog and she isn't thinking straight about it all.
Her little brain is thinking entirely straight.
A dog living in my house bit me.
Dogs are biters.
Mummy & daddy don't care, & won't protect me.
There is a dog in aunty's house.
Dogs are biters.
This dog will bite me, & mummy & daddy won't protect me.
I must tell the dog to behave, & not bite me.
I can stand in front of the dog gate because the dog cannot reach me to bite, & make the dog understand that biting is naughty.
Maybe then I will be safe.

But either way, it doesn't sound like the situation is being effectively managed by your DB and SIL. The bit about her being scared and needing to be picked up seems reasonable to me, although the piercing scream isn't - if she's that scared, don't put her in the position where she feels vulnerable in the first place. The screaming is going to terrify the poor dog.
Or effectively managed by the householder herself, who isn't managing the humans at all well, but is also allowing her apparently well-trained dog to keep popping into rooms where the niece is.
You'd think a handy bit of simple avoidance & prevention would be the way to go, just to get through these few days (or sent them home ffs) but OP just keeps allowing the dog & niece to occupy the same room.
It's totally unfair on both of them, & OP deflecting blame by painting a 5 year old, already bitten, little girl as the instigator & villain is as ignorant as it is distasteful.

But her being allowed to stand there taunting the poor dog makes me really angry!
Me too @BlibBlabBlob, but probably not for the same reasons.
Because I don't accept OP's glib assertion that her niece is "taunting" the dog.
I'm desperately sorry for OP's dog & her little niece.

@ItsAllMumboJumbo

Don't have them round, it's not fair on the dog

this

What caused her own dog to bite her? Was she acting like this around their own dog, so frightening it and causing it to bite her. I wouldn’t allow anyone in my house who behaved like this around my dog. Poor thing, abused in it’s own home.

YABU to ask parents to stop pandering to their scared child
YABU to expect a 5yo child to control her fear of your dog
YABU for telling a 5yo child off

YANBU to want you dog to be able to wonder around your home freely without being scared or afraid.

YABU to invite them when you knew there was going to be an issue

This is the first. Is it where the niece has behaved like this.

That should be first visit.

@ChargingBuck

And she stands there berating the dog from the safety of the opposite side of a stair gate and her parents don't see fit to intervene? That's right. But she isn't "taunting" the dog - she's attempting to train it, control it so it doesn't bite her - because she knows damn well her parents won't intervene.

Is there any part of the story we're missing here? Did your dog, when you first rescued it, perhaps behave in a way that scared her e.g. jumping up or aggressively barking at her?
Yeah.
You're missing the part where her own family dog bit her, & her parents decided it was a good move to keep the dog. Thus ably demonstrating (to the niece's mind) that they value the dog more highly than the niece's safety, & are happy for their own child to live with an animal who has hurt & terrified her.

And of course it could be bundled up in her little brain with the attack from her own dog and she isn't thinking straight about it all.
Her little brain is thinking entirely straight.
A dog living in my house bit me.
Dogs are biters.
Mummy & daddy don't care, & won't protect me.
There is a dog in aunty's house.
Dogs are biters.
This dog will bite me, & mummy & daddy won't protect me.
I must tell the dog to behave, & not bite me.
I can stand in front of the dog gate because the dog cannot reach me to bite, & make the dog understand that biting is naughty.
Maybe then I will be safe.

But either way, it doesn't sound like the situation is being effectively managed by your DB and SIL. The bit about her being scared and needing to be picked up seems reasonable to me, although the piercing scream isn't - if she's that scared, don't put her in the position where she feels vulnerable in the first place. The screaming is going to terrify the poor dog.
Or effectively managed by the householder herself, who isn't managing the humans at all well, but is also allowing her apparently well-trained dog to keep popping into rooms where the niece is.
You'd think a handy bit of simple avoidance & prevention would be the way to go, just to get through these few days (or sent them home ffs) but OP just keeps allowing the dog & niece to occupy the same room.
It's totally unfair on both of them, & OP deflecting blame by painting a 5 year old, already bitten, little girl as the instigator & villain is as ignorant as it is distasteful.

But her being allowed to stand there taunting the poor dog makes me really angry!
Me too @BlibBlabBlob, but probably not for the same reasons.
Because I don't accept OP's glib assertion that her niece is "taunting" the dog.
I'm desperately sorry for OP's dog & her little niece.

Few things to unravel there…

As regards to me not managing it properly, this is mine and my dogs home. What should I do lock her in a room for the past few days not to leave and not to walk about her house? It’s not a case of “popping into each room” my dog lives here. I’ve got 1 lounge and that’s where she mainly chills am I to shut her out of her own home? How stupid. I can not control where a 5 year old goes. If my dog was running over to her and bounding in her face then yes I’d totally understand but that’s not what’s happening.

As for saying it’s my “glib assertion” that I said she’s taunting my dog I’d kindly ask you to read my original OP and see that not have any point have I said she was taunting it but I did say for her to call a dog naughty when it laid down not doing anything is wrong.

This is not the first time my niece has met my dog. This is about the 5-6th visit now. This is brand new behaviour and she didn’t use to scream at all.

She sounds genuinely terrified, she needs to be helped with that, offered coping strategies that don't just involve screaming and begging to be picked up, what those would be depends on the child though.

I would not for one minute tolerate her telling the dog that she is bad and naughty BUT I would try to redirect it rather than send her away.

Sit quietly with her watching the dog, throwing the dog treats etc so she can see positives in the dog.

If she lives with a dog that bites it's only natural to be scared, try to feel empathy for her.

I would be very glad to shut the door behind them on their way out by the way lol.

@ITSSSSCHRISTMASSS

YABU to ask parents to stop pandering to their scared child YABU to expect a 5yo child to control her fear of your dog YABU for telling a 5yo child off

YANBU to want you dog to be able to wonder around your home freely without being scared or afraid.

YABU to invite them when you knew there was going to be an issue

What’s your suggestion then?

Allow the dog to be screamed at and shouted at by both a child and her parents? Just lock it in a room until it’s home time or would the OP BU for that too?

Thank heavens they are going, I wouldn’t have them to stay again, way too stressful. I am not a big dog lover but I do feel sorry for your dog. Your niece is badly behaved. Your SIL is very silly and your brother not much better. Enjoy the peace when they’ve gone.

No invites to stay again unless you talk to your Brother and SIL and confirm they will be cracking down on this behaviour next time.

If they don't agree, they don't stay.

As regards to me not managing it properly, this is mine and my dogs home. What should I do lock her in a room for the past few days not to leave and not to walk about her house? It’s not a case of “popping into each room” my dog lives here. I’ve got 1 lounge and that’s where she mainly chills am I to shut her out of her own home? How stupid.

Less stupid than allowing the situation to continue interminably, & being annoyed every time it happened but doing nothing to change it!

I would certainly prefer to "lock away" (i.e. secure in a comfy bedroom with a bone/toy, & visited every half hour by me for reassurance & play) my dog, in his own home, than subject him to being screamed at. I can't believe you allowed that to happen to him more than twice - you said it scares him so much he runs away, poor dog.

The alternative option, which I'm glad you've now taken, is to realise the situation is untenable, & send the family home early.

This is not the first time my niece has met my dog. This is about the 5-6th visit now. This is brand new behaviour and she didn’t use to scream at all.
Then maybe something else has happened at home, that DB hasn't told you about. I imagine he'd be too ashamed to tell you about it if he'd allowed his dog to bite or scare his child again.

I would send your brother a message saying his wife's lax parenting combined with her abusing your dog and shouting at the dog that it was bad when it was doing nothing at all wrong, especially considering they kept the dog that bit your niece means you can't have your niece over to your place until she is properly disciplined. Bet DIRECT. No matter the fallout, he/they NEED to know you're serious. And that the problem is SIL's inability to discipline her child.

Appalling parenting going on there. I can't imagine my 6 year old behaving like this but if she did it would nipped in the bud immediately. That's toddler behaviour.. in fact my toddler behaves better!

I'd have shut the dog away for a child who is scared of dogs visiting my house.

Appalling behaviour from your SIL and I’m glad you’ve asked them to leave. They should apologise.

Side note, its interesting how your focusing your annoyance on your SIL and not YOUR brother who is also the child's parent.

Agree. Wtf?

I think you’re unreasonable to be annoyed with the child. Being bitten in the face must be really traumatic, not to mention being forced to continue living with the dog and visit other dogs that you’re scared of.
Not unreasonable to be annoyed with the parents, they should really take the child home or to a hotel. I don’t think it’s fair to force her to confront her fears. I know a number of adults who scream at the sight of a tiny spider who can do no harm at all. Fear isn’t rational or something that can be switched off. It’s not fair on you either.
Was it a joint decision to keep the dog at home? It sounds like an odd dynamic between them. Is it your brother refusing to get rid of it?

I'd say it was lovely to have you visit, you'll be most welcome again when dn doesn't scream at my dog

Goodness. At least your brother is being somewhat decent.
Your home, your dogs home, if they can’t respect that, no more invites. You’re doing the right thing.
Sounds like SIL is the issue here, man I can’t stand people like this.

Reminds me of a friend who came round with her 3/4 year old, knowing I have a tiny and very docile dog (who the child had met before) and her child just decided on that particular visit she was going to scream and run away from and irritate my dog. Mother said nothing and I had a newborn and a toddler myself AKA didn’t need to deal with this level of fuckery.

Your niece is scared of dogs and rightly so but her parents, much like my friend, are adults who need to sort the situation out and, failing that, leave. And preferably not return.

Also they are terrible parents for keeping a dog who bit their child on the cheek wtf.

@Yourstupidityexhaustsme Not invite them to stay 🤷🏼‍♀️

Or yes, lock it in a safe place. It’s what my in-laws did/do when our children were younger and when they get new rescue dogs. They consider the situation and ensure that the circumstances for all are suitable. For the record my FIL cares more about the welfare of his dogs more than anything. The dogs are usually locked in the kitchen were they can come and go outside. The grandkids, or ones who are scared of the dogs are not allowed in the kitchen. Once the kids are in bed the dogs can have the run of the downstairs then go to bed with the in-laws who make sure the dogs are locked back in the kitchen the next morning if the grandkids stay over night. FIL also takes the dogs out twice a day to the dog park for at least an hour, only the older grandkids who are comfortable with dogs are allowed to go with him. Also he has a network of friends who all look after each other’s dogs when they go away, he makes it very clear when he is looking after his friends dogs that we are not welcome to visit in case the children upset those dogs.

I would tell them that this is your home and your dogs home, you are no longer prepared to accept your nieces behaviour, that you would have expected them to work with their daughter to understand screaming is wrong, frightening the dog etc, and all animals deserve to be treated with kindness

As they can’t do that they need to leave now
Then don’t invite them again