With how my SIL reacts to this situation?

[Ihateeveryone56]

My brother, SIL and niece are all visiting my house for a few days. They go home tomorrow and I can not wait just because of how they pander and react to this situation!

I have a dog who is a rescue. She is 2 and half but trained. It’s taken a lot of hard work on my part and my dogs part to be trained and get to the point we are at. We still go to weekly classes and have constant training sessions. My niece is 5 coming up to 6 and she reacts to my dog very badly. My dog is a medium sized breed that comes up to roughly knee height. Every single time my niece comes into a room my dog is in/comes down the stairs/just sits in a room and my dog walks in she screams at the top of her lungs. I mean a really high pitched cut through your soul kind of scream. This in turn scares the crap out of my dog which makes her run away and in turn makes my niece scream louder (which I didn’t know was possible)!

I tell my niece to stop screaming because it’s not nice and there’s no reason too. She then demands to be picked up by her mom (SIL) and she does it straight away. Instead of sitting there and saying you’re being silly, she’s fine, there’s nothing wrong she panders to her picks her up and thus re- starts the cycle of screaming/picking up and not accepting my dog. This is my dog, my dogs home and not theirs. I’ve put up a stair gate for the last 2 days so I can stop my dog coming into the lounge but I feel like I shouldn’t have to do that? My niece will then stand the other side of the gate calling her a bad girl and a naughty dog when all she’s doing is lying there. I do tell her off for saying this but doesn’t seem to change a thing.

For context they own a terrier type dog who is a lot smaller than mine however that dog has actually bitten my niece on her cheek in the past but they still have the dog. My dog has never once bitten and is certainly not aggressive.

AIBU to be annoyed at the pandering to the behaviour she is showing? I have explained to my SIL and my brother if she stops screaming everytime the dog comes in then we have no issues but they still don’t correct her.

The dog hasn't done anything wrong! The 5 year old is screaming for no reason!

She's clearly not scared of the dog though or else she wouldn't be taunting it.

How annoying and what strange parenting to keep the dog that attacked the child but not explain that this dog is a kind a dog... or whatever. Sil could make the situ easier but is obv not bothered by the screaming. I would not offer to host again and if they ask to come and stay I would ask first that they deal with the screaming in a more considerate way.

@Poptart4

I'm terrified of dogs. I don't care how many owners insist that their dog is nice and nothing to be afraid of. They still scare me. I don't know why I'm this way. But I'm an adult so I can just avoid situations where I have to be around dogs.

Your niece is 5 so she can't help the way she reacts to her fear of your dog. Telling someone who is afraid that they are being silly really doesn't help

You and your brother should have sat her down on day 1 and brought the dog over to her, dad with dd and you holding the dog. Introduce her to him in a way that felt safe and let her rub him and see that he's a nice dog. Maybe let her tell him to sit and then give him a treat when he does it.... this is how my brother got my child used to his dog.

You can't criticise a mother for picking up a distressed and screaming child. That's a natural reaction.

Side note, its interesting how your focusing your annoyance on your SIL and not YOUR brother who is also the child's parent.

Nope, none of this is OP's responsibility. This is on the parents.

And the OP clearly says she explained to BOTH parents.

Neither you nor your brother (why is it SIL who gets all the blame?) are handling this well.

Telling her off and telling her not to be ‘silly’ is surely not the right way to go about it?

And your dog is a dog, and at least half the height of the child.but you out a dog’s rights above that of a child family member.

Maybe a dog so close to her face height is scary for her since she has been bitten by a smaller dog.

Couldn’t all the adults here talk snd make a plan for enabling her to feel confident rather than getting defensive and resentful?

And the OP clearly says she explained to BOTH parents

Yes, but she names SIL in the thread title.

@EdgeOfTheSky

Neither you nor your brother (why is it SIL who gets all the blame?) are handling this well.

Telling her off and telling her not to be ‘silly’ is surely not the right way to go about it?

And your dog is a dog, and at least half the height of the child.but you out a dog’s rights above that of a child family member.

Maybe a dog so close to her face height is scary for her since she has been bitten by a smaller dog.

Couldn’t all the adults here talk snd make a plan for enabling her to feel confident rather than getting defensive and resentful?

I suspect it would be pointless. BIL and SIL don't give a shit, so why should OP?

Send them home early

My DD used to be terrified of SIL's dog. Wouldn't scream but would beg me or DH to pick her up and keep her out of reach. Which excited the dog even more! But it was an understandable reaction: we don't have a dog, this particular dog wasn't big but was very excitable and would jump up at DD. This was very frightening when she was small because the dog reached her shoulders when it jumped up and nearly knocked her over. Nothing was done to train the dog out of jumping up at visitors.

This situation sounds different, however: you've got a well-trained dog who would not react to your niece in any way if she just ignored it? And she stands there berating the dog from the safety of the opposite side of a stair gate and her parents don't see fit to intervene?

Is there any part of the story we're missing here? Did your dog, when you first rescued it, perhaps behave in a way that scared her e.g. jumping up or aggressively barking at her?

And of course it could be bundled up in her little brain with the attack from her own dog and she isn't thinking straight about it all.

But either way, it doesn't sound like the situation is being effectively managed by your DB and SIL. The bit about her being scared and needing to be picked up seems reasonable to me, although the piercing scream isn't - if she's that scared, don't put her in the position where she feels vulnerable in the first place. The screaming is going to terrify the poor dog. But her being allowed to stand there taunting the poor dog makes me really angry!

*DB not BIL

@PetriDisher

It's hard to properly understand the dynamics without being there but assuming that your niece is genuinely afraid (which wouldn't surprise me if she's been bitten by a smaller dog before, and now here's a giant version of the animal that did it!) I don't think that your SIL is doing anything wrong by picking her up and comforting her.

I say this as someone with very little patience for people who are afraid of dogs generally because my instinctive feeling is that it's ridiculous (which I know is not really fair!) but if my 5 year old was afraid of something, however irrational, I would absolutely comfort them. Partly because I love them and it's just natural to comfort them, partly because I don't actually think anyone (young or old) is really helped by having their fears dismissed and bring told not to be so silly.

It would be helpful if your SIL could also work with your niece to introduce her to your dog and see that he's safe, assuming that is the case, but it's very easy to criticise from the outside.

I also note that your dog is a rescue and it's taken a lot of work to train them. This suggests to me that he perhaps has an unknown history and has maybe behaved in ways that would naturally scare a small child in the past? (Even if just overly boisterous or jumping up). That would make me a bit cautious as a parent too which might explain why your SIL isn't as forthcoming with the reassurance and introductions with your niece as she might be.

Honestly, I don't think anyone is particularly in the wrong here but it sounds like they shouldn't stay with you for a while until your niece and your dog have had the chance to meet lots more in neutral settings and hopefully get used to each other more.

The girl is deliberately taunting the dog from behind a stair gate.

This deliberately nasty behaviour is not indicative of fear of the dog. It’s actually pretty disturbing and nasty.

She is fine with her own dog, so screaming (not covering or whimpering in fear) suggests attention seeking behaviour mak8ng the poor dog a scapegoat

I wouldn't have them visiting for a few days. Not fair on your dog, you or the kid!

Dog fear is very real but if they have a dog it doesn't even seem like she's scared of the dog, just being a bit of a brat!

@mountbattenbergcake OP's niece, OP's dog, OP's home, she absolutely has some responsibility here. Not all.... some.

If the dog reacted to the child screaming by biting her it would definitely be the OP's problem. It's in everyone's best interest to introduce the dog properly to a scared child. All 3 adults have dropped the ball here.

I see both sides. She is being ridiculous when the dog isn’t doing anything but acknowledging her and acknowledging her fear is the right thing for her mum to be doing. You shouldn’t dismiss feelings based on your views. 5 year olds can’t be objective.

I also feel dog owners are blinkered. I personally do not like dogs and I don’t want your dog anywhere near me, well behaved or not. No I don’t want to touch it, talk to it or smell it. It’s just the way I am. Personally I wouldn’t go to your house, because as you say, it is the dogs home and not mine. Don’t invite them again.

Send little Violet Elizabeth Bott home. And tell SiL NADALT (not all dogs are like that theirs.)

I would keep the dog and the niece entirely separate and get your DBs co-op on this until they leave or if they are not willing to do that ask them to leave early because the loud piercing screams and the taunting could frighten your dog and might trigger an aggressive/defensive episode, which would not be your dogs fault, but could result in mayhem. And then don't have them to stay until the child is much older and can cope with your dog.

I grew up with dogs. I like dogs. I would like a dog. However my DH and my eldest child are terrified of them and so it's not an option for our family. Nor do we visit people who have dogs unless they are understanding that the fear is genuine and offer to keep the dogs in another room. And don't get me started in the people that make that offer and then don't stick to it.

I don't understand how so many dog owners just don't understand that the animal they love can be irrationally terrifying to others. It seems easy enough to accept some people have irrational fears of spiders, others of heights or snakes or buttons or clowns but a fear of dogs is seen as a character flaw.

The poor child is scared. Her mum is comforting her. I'm sure when she is older she will control her fear better but for the time being be a bit more understanding.

[quote Poptart4]@mountbattenbergcake OP's niece, OP's dog, OP's home, she absolutely has some responsibility here. Not all.... some.

If the dog reacted to the child screaming by biting her it would definitely be the OP's problem. It's in everyone's best interest to introduce the dog properly to a scared child. All 3 adults have dropped the ball here.[/quote]
OP has kept the dog behind a gate. Teaching the dd to like dog is NOT her responsibility.

The poor child is scared.

So scared she's taunting a prone dog.

I agree with the cutting visit short immediately thing. Its an old MN saw that you can't control how others behave but you can control how you react to it. Your responsibility is to your family including your dog.

Taunting a dog is not on my youngest is scared of dogs he tries running away everytime one approaches him which when we are walking out and about can be an issue if they are simply sharing the same physical space as him (footpath) however this is my issue to resolve I reinforce stepping to the side standing still waiting for the dog to passby quietly (autistic and he verbalise squealing it's ear splitting) recently he has began shouting bad dog etc ive stopped this because its unfair the dog isn't bad because he is scared of it its just existing on the planet like him I understand he is scared and he wants to flap and squeal and I'm preventing this but he also needs to learn appropriate responses to an unexpected dog in his general space!

Things I do not do

Take him somewhere with an unfamiliar dog
Take him places with lots of dogs
Allow him to flap screech or make distressing noises around dogs (it attracts them when he whines)
Pick him up

We model quiet calm behaviour appropriate to the situation

Its taking years but with a NT child it really wouldn't

God they would not be visiting again!

The parents should have taken their daughter home and not stayed somewhere with a dog if she is terrified of them. They shouldn’t be allowed to taunt the dog. I would tell her to stop being unkind to the dog every time she does it.

On a side note they are right to comfort their terrified child and not tell her she is silly for how she feels but she should be told not to scream.

Don’t invite them to stay again.

The child is not scared , she is taunting the dog from behind the gate.
I would ask them to leave if they cant or wont address this behaviour.

AIBU to be annoyed at the pandering to the behaviour she is showing? I have explained to my SIL and my brother if she stops screaming everytime the dog comes in then we have no issues but they still don’t correct her.

The poor little kid. She's been bitten by her own family dog & her fuckwitted parents haven't removed the terror & source of pain from what is meant to be her safe environment? No wonder she's acting out at yours!

YANBU to be annoyed.
YABU to have sat there & taken it.

The kid cannot stop herself from screaming, her parents do not try to help her stop. Hardly surprising, given their negligence & lack of concern for their DD's terror, is it?

Instead of talking to a brick wall about if she stops screaming everytime the dog comes in then we have no issues, you needed to have said something like "unless she stops screaming every time the dog comes in, you are going to have to take her home."

And meant it.
It would have made your brother either reassess his crap parenting, or go home. More importantly, if you sent them home, it would have removed your niece - a 5 year old child FFS - from a distressing environment she can neither control or tolerate.