With how my SIL reacts to this situation?

[Ihateeveryone56]

My brother, SIL and niece are all visiting my house for a few days. They go home tomorrow and I can not wait just because of how they pander and react to this situation!

I have a dog who is a rescue. She is 2 and half but trained. It’s taken a lot of hard work on my part and my dogs part to be trained and get to the point we are at. We still go to weekly classes and have constant training sessions. My niece is 5 coming up to 6 and she reacts to my dog very badly. My dog is a medium sized breed that comes up to roughly knee height. Every single time my niece comes into a room my dog is in/comes down the stairs/just sits in a room and my dog walks in she screams at the top of her lungs. I mean a really high pitched cut through your soul kind of scream. This in turn scares the crap out of my dog which makes her run away and in turn makes my niece scream louder (which I didn’t know was possible)!

I tell my niece to stop screaming because it’s not nice and there’s no reason too. She then demands to be picked up by her mom (SIL) and she does it straight away. Instead of sitting there and saying you’re being silly, she’s fine, there’s nothing wrong she panders to her picks her up and thus re- starts the cycle of screaming/picking up and not accepting my dog. This is my dog, my dogs home and not theirs. I’ve put up a stair gate for the last 2 days so I can stop my dog coming into the lounge but I feel like I shouldn’t have to do that? My niece will then stand the other side of the gate calling her a bad girl and a naughty dog when all she’s doing is lying there. I do tell her off for saying this but doesn’t seem to change a thing.

For context they own a terrier type dog who is a lot smaller than mine however that dog has actually bitten my niece on her cheek in the past but they still have the dog. My dog has never once bitten and is certainly not aggressive.

AIBU to be annoyed at the pandering to the behaviour she is showing? I have explained to my SIL and my brother if she stops screaming everytime the dog comes in then we have no issues but they still don’t correct her.

What a little princess.....

I think your niece is attention seeking. She’s worked out that screaming at your dog gets her made a fuss of.

Niece gave me a hug and kiss goodbye and has asked when she will next see me so looks like visits to their house when I’m in the are for work sounds like the best decision for the time being
Beats me why you would want to see this niece at all.

Hope your poor dog is happier now they've gone.

How bratty! Scolding the dog for just lying there? I'd stop having them over, to be honest. I might tell them why, phrased as preventing distress rather than the truth, which is that all three of them are annoying, and it's not fair to your dog (or your ears).

Autism came to my mind reading this, how does your niece cope in other situations that she finds distressing?

The sister in law is making it worse in my opinion, shouting that the dog needs to leave the kitchen when it wasn’t doing anything. I think the sister in law has an anxiety to your dog and your niece is picking this up and exaggerating her fear, for attention. A child isn’t scared if it is taunting it from behind a baby gate

You seem to believe that a child who is frightened should be scolded.

You also seem to believe that being bitten by a dog previously wouldn't have had an effect on the child.

Of course she stands behind a gate and tells the dog he's a bad dog.
Of course she screams when there's no gate between her and a dog.

Neither you nor the child's parents come off looking good here.

I would ask them to leave. They obviously have issues with parenting their daughter.

That would do my fruit in. Id be telling the parents the score. Either shut up or ship out. Its not the child's issue is the parents who have created this.

It seems to me that the child is not scared at all . It is attention seeking behaviour and it certainly works . She screams , her mum picks her up and the poor dog gets banished . She wins . I'd send the child out of the room and keep the dog with you instead

I could not tolerate the screaming. That does not strike me as fear but behaviour she's learnt results in a reaction she likes.

I'm not sure I'm just speaking for myself here, but real deep-seated fear doesn't generate a prolonged scream, more a prolonged pitched moan of terror.

@mathanxiety

You seem to believe that a child who is frightened should be scolded.

You also seem to believe that being bitten by a dog previously wouldn't have had an effect on the child.

Of course she stands behind a gate and tells the dog he's a bad dog.
Of course she screams when there's no gate between her and a dog.

Neither you nor the child's parents come off looking good here.

There is no “of course” about it.

This is new behaviour.
There is a dog at home.

It would be understandable if she retreated from the dog/hid behind an adult if the dog came near - but the screaming is a new behaviour.

Scolding an innocent animal that cannot get near her is dangerously close to taunting not behaviour to be encouraged. If OP scolded her niece every time she behaved badly to the dog she would get her head in her hands to play with.

The good thing is that her father has realised the behaviour needs to be addressed.

Feels like attention seeking on behalf of your niece. Easy way to get a cuddle. I find that little girls scream because they can…

real deep-seated fear doesn't generate a prolonged scream, more a prolonged pitched moan of terror

That's possibly true of adults. In children, a prolonged scream is often one of the ways in which children show fear.

Neither the child nor the dog should be blamed or called 'naughty' for their natural behaviour; but it's best if they're kept apart.

It seems quite likely to me that the child has learned at home that avoiding the dog isn't possible, and that making a fuss may keep adults by her side to protect her. For children, real fear and attention-seeking aren't as distinct as for adults. Fear may cause a child to seek attention so as to be protected.

This is new behaviour.
There is a dog at home.

Yes, and the dog at home bit her. Hence the new behaviour.

The adults who should be helping her handle her fear (by dealing appropriately with the dog) appear to have put the feelings of the dogs ahead of the child's interests here. Then they have taken her to stay in a home where there is another dog. The child has been backed into a corner here.

I find that little girls scream because they can…

So have we ditched 'I believe you' then?

What a fucking awful thing to say.

We ask why little girls don't report things that happen to them...

@mathanxiety

This is new behaviour. There is a dog at home.

Yes, and the dog at home bit her. Hence the new behaviour.

The adults who should be helping her handle her fear (by dealing appropriately with the dog) appear to have put the feelings of the dogs ahead of the child's interests here. Then they have taken her to stay in a home where there is another dog. The child has been backed into a corner here.

OP says the child was fine previously. She doesn’t say if the screaming started on first visit after the bite or if there were visits after the bite and the screaming only started this visit.

I read it as the latter, hence my opinion, but agree it could be the former.

However, her berating the dog when it is behind a gate is highly unpleasant and cruel behaviour that needs to stop. No amount of fear/dislike is an excuse for this.

She's not hurting the dog's feelings by saying 'bad dog' from behind the gate. She's not pelting tomatoes at it, or kicking it, or any other harmful act. It's not cruel.

It's behaviour that is telling the adults something of whst she is feeling about dogs. She is still working through her response to the previous bite, and perhaps the sight of the OP's dog behind the gate has given her the courage to say what she thinks to the dog who bit her.

Children her age do not always communicate directly and we shouldn't expect them to.

Adults, otoh, have enough intellectual and emotional development under their belts to not respond the way all the adults in the OP's home are responding to the child. The adults here are behaving badly.

I think all of the adults have been unreasonable here. 5 year olds are little and often irrational with unformed ways of communicating emotions (especially this cohort of children lost lock down)

• her parents haven’t protected her by removing a dog that has bitten her in her home
• her parents didn’t try and address screaming or try to work with you to come up with a solution
• you’re unreasonable for being fixated on her language to the dog and putting too high an expectation on the way she reacted.

My 5yo freaked out about a fly in her room the other day. She was screaming, jibbering wreck. No idea why but her fear was real and visceral despite not having had an issue with insects before. There was no point trying to reason with her. She just needed cuddles, reassurance and removing the fly.

@mathanxiety

She's not hurting the dog's feelings by saying 'bad dog' from behind the gate. She's not pelting tomatoes at it, or kicking it, or any other harmful act. It's not cruel.

It's behaviour that is telling the adults something of whst she is feeling about dogs. She is still working through her response to the previous bite, and perhaps the sight of the OP's dog behind the gate has given her the courage to say what she thinks to the dog who bit her.

Children her age do not always communicate directly and we shouldn't expect them to.

Adults, otoh, have enough intellectual and emotional development under their belts to not respond the way all the adults in the OP's home are responding to the child. The adults here are behaving badly.

She's not hurting the dog's feelings by saying 'bad dog' from behind the gate.

Of course she is! Do you honestly think the dog doesn't know what she is saying? And isn't feeling confused, hurt etc? Of COURSE the dog knows! Have you ever owned a dog? If you had and seen the look on a dog's face when said 'bad dog!', 'bad!' or even 'no, naughty!' you'd know better than to write what you wrote!

Of course she is! Do you honestly think the dog doesn't know what she is saying? And isn't feeling confused, hurt etc? Of COURSE the dog knows! Have you ever owned a dog? If you had and seen the look on a dog's face when said 'bad dog!', 'bad!' or even 'no, naughty!' you'd know better than to write what you wrote!

Totally.
She has no right to behave in such an uncaring way to OPs dog, which is in its own home and doing no harm because it is behind a barrier.

At nearly 6 she should be reminded each time she goes visiting that she needs to be on her best behaviour in other peoples homes.

Taunting an animal is cruel behaviour and could escalate.

Good thing the father has realised her behaviour and her fear requireto be addressed, something her mother is ignoring, which does the child no good. However, OPs responsibility is to her dog and the screaming is undoubtedly disturbing to it, so it can’t be tolerated.

She's not hurting the dog's feelings by saying 'bad dog' from behind the gate.

Of course she is! Do you honestly think the dog doesn't know what she is saying? And isn't feeling confused, hurt etc? Of COURSE the dog knows! Have you ever owned a dog? If you had and seen the look on a dog's face when said 'bad dog!', 'bad!' or even 'no, naughty!' you'd know better than to write what you wrote!

I think you and TrashyPanda win the boiled sweet for first class nonsense, TheGirlCat. I hope you don't mind sharing.

Are either of you parents? I mean of real children, not 'fur babies'.

Do you think that perhaps the child had a look of fear on her face when she screamed every time the dog approached her?

The child is not 'taunting' the dog here. If anything, the OP is allowing the dog to taunt the child by letting it roam freely from room to room regardless of the fact that the child is frightened of it.

The mother is doing absolutely the right thing by picking up the child and acknowledging her fear.

I wonder if the OP's brother is refusing to get rid of the dog at home who bit his child? Going by the complete inability of the OP to see any pov except that of the dog here (and using the term 'correct' as a suggestion for how the parents should respond to the child, which is wildly inappropriate) I suspect the child is expected by her father, the OP's brother, to put the dog first. Hence the screaming. It's the only way the five year old has of getting a protective response.

Good thing the father has realised her behaviour and her fear requireto be addressed, something her mother is ignoring, which does the child no good.
The mother is not ignoring the fear and the screaming. She is responding to her child's obvious distress by picking her up and soothing her. This is exactly what the child needs. Long term, what she needs is for her family to rehome the terrier who bit her. If apples don't fall far from the tree, I suspect her father won't do that. She'll just have to get used to playing second fiddle to an animal in her own home.

However, OPs responsibility is to her dog and the screaming is undoubtedly disturbing to it, so it can’t be tolerated.
The OP's responsibility is to the people in her home, including children. She should be trying harder to make sure they are all comfortable.

@mathanxiety

She's not hurting the dog's feelings by saying 'bad dog' from behind the gate.

Of course she is! Do you honestly think the dog doesn't know what she is saying? And isn't feeling confused, hurt etc? Of COURSE the dog knows! Have you ever owned a dog? If you had and seen the look on a dog's face when said 'bad dog!', 'bad!' or even 'no, naughty!' you'd know better than to write what you wrote!

I think you and TrashyPanda win the boiled sweet for first class nonsense, TheGirlCat. I hope you don't mind sharing.

Are either of you parents? I mean of real children, not 'fur babies'.

Do you think that perhaps the child had a look of fear on her face when she screamed every time the dog approached her?

The child is not 'taunting' the dog here. If anything, the OP is allowing the dog to taunt the child by letting it roam freely from room to room regardless of the fact that the child is frightened of it.

The mother is doing absolutely the right thing by picking up the child and acknowledging her fear.

I wonder if the OP's brother is refusing to get rid of the dog at home who bit his child? Going by the complete inability of the OP to see any pov except that of the dog here (and using the term 'correct' as a suggestion for how the parents should respond to the child, which is wildly inappropriate) I suspect the child is expected by her father, the OP's brother, to put the dog first. Hence the screaming. It's the only way the five year old has of getting a protective response.

You clearly have never had a dog. If you honestly think a dog doesn't know the meaning of commands, you've made a fool of yourself on here. I'm not even a dog lover and even I know that dogs understand commands and tone and words. You seem to have no knowledge of animals, not even the most basic of knowledge.

Do you think that perhaps the child had a look of fear on her face when she screamed every time the dog approached her?

What does that have to do with the fact the brat abused and taunted and shouted at the dog and that the dog clearly knew what she was saying to it?

If anything, the OP is allowing the dog to taunt the child by letting it roam freely from room to room

The dog is 'taunting' the child by merely sitting in it's own home? You've really won the Mumsnet aware for prize joker here! If you aren't trolling, you must be on some heavy substance to even think like that. If I were you I would ask to have that post of yours deleted because that is not something you want in your posting history.

The mother is turning the child into a spoiled brat and rewarding bad behaviour, in addition to taunting and abusing a dog doing nothing but sitting in it's own home. With a 'mother' like that, unless the father steps up, the brat has no chance.