Women are being neglected

[Witchywonder]

So I’m 39 weeks pregnant and sick of people dismissing the pain and horrific trauma women can experience while pregnant…or in relation to general health issues.

When else would anyone be expected to “get on with it” and walk on a cracked bone?

No one would actually expect someone having abdominal surgery to look after a new born/ other children, and continue general life…unless they’ve just had a section. I had key-hole surgery a few years ago on my stomach and I was put on bed rest for 8 weeks after, with morphine tablets.

AIBU to think in this day and age we should acknowledge how sh*t this is?

I don't have any DC but I have noticed that when women talk about a traumatic birth, ripped from front to back, they are told 'but at least you have a baby' or 'but I bet it was worth it' and dismissed.

Then there's all the crap about how women in the paddy fields give birth in the morning and are back out picking rice in the afternoon with the baby strapped to their backs!

Yes, childbirth is optional in this day and age but bloody hell, you'd think there would be much better care and understanding around it.

I don’t know anyone who’s been told to just get on with it after either a normal or traumatic birth. But either way there is clearly a difference between cracking a bone and having a baby - you chose to have one of them.

100% Bed rest is a terrible way to try to recover from most types of major surgery.

I had a traumatic birth and was never told to get on with it. My GP was very supportive and referred me for help. They had diagnosed me with postnatal depression, following my referral and treatment it was finally diagnosed as PTSD. I disagree that there is a blanket attitude toward all women. I do think it's very dependent on local services and your GP.

You seem to extremely angry at the thought of having to look after your child after childbirth!
I'm not really sure what the alternative would be

I don't think yabu but people will point out that unlike other health conditions pregnancy was your choice.

I haven’t ever been in hospital for anything else, so I can’t compare how it is after childbirth to how it is after anything else.
But I was surprised at how little help there was after I gave birth. I had a severe PPH after giving birth to DD and it was very early morning when I was eventually transferred up to the postnatal ward. I couldn’t walk, not due to pain, but because (I assume due to blood loss) I was visibly shaking, my legs were trembling, any time I stood up my vision went completely, my legs buckled and I collapsed back down. The request that someone help me walk to the loo was met with a response that made me feel like I was being massively unreasonable, but I don’t think I was? It was that or crawl on the floor and even then I wouldn’t have remained upright on the toilet. I wouldn’t have asked for help to the loo if I didn’t need it, it’s not like it’s a perk that I wanted to try.
And then shortly after half carrying me the few metres to the loo, they informed me that breakfast was now available if I just wanted to walk down the hall to the other room to get it, much further than the distance to the loo. I think I burst into tears at that point. I didn’t expect to be waited on hand and foot at all, but I also didn’t expect patients who cannot walk to be expected to. I was made to feel like such a burden, as if someone would ask for help to the loo because they just can’t be bothered to walk themselves.
But as I said, I’ve no idea if this would be the case if you were on another ward for another reason.

100% agree OP. I found the aftercare so lacking after my emergency c section. Given paracetamol and just left to it. I compare it with a less invasive surgery elective surgery I had a year prior, and I was given morphine and two days bed rest after that. Nurses were compassionate and helped me whenever I needed it. So different to after childbirth, where it's all about the baby and you fade into the background immediately.

I don't get why it's unreasonable to expect the same respect for the recovery process after childbirth as with any other major procedure/operation. Of course the baby needs to be cared for and skin to skin contact, bonding facilitated. But that could be done whilst also allowing mothers much more rest. Why does it feel like we not matter as soon as we've given birth?

I'm mindful that I may be projecting as my own experience was pretty traumatic, but I do hear similar stories all the time.

I was extremely unwell after my c section, not to mention high as a kite from morphine and numb from the waist down and unable to move until the epidural wore off. I was in no fit state to look after a baby and couldn’t reach my suitcase under the bed. But when I asked for help the nurses just said “we aren’t allowed, policy is you have to look after your own baby”. How the fuck was I supposed to dress and change a baby and his bedding whilst my legs were numb and I was attached to a catheter and my brain was off tripping with the fairies? After they removed the catheter and my legs started working a bit I asked for help to use the toilet and they refused again.

I don’t think it’s reasonable to say I didn’t deserve help because pregnancy was a self inflicted choice. Lots of people have self inflicted illnesses from smoking, drinking or obesity etc but I bet the nurses don’t refuse to help an alcoholic who’s just had a liver transplant and needs assistance to use the toilet.

After my emcs with my twins I was given painkillers and left to get out of bed myself and get on with things. I took myself to the toilet and didn’t see a nurse for almost the whole day (it was a Sunday and apparently not many were on duty). In contrast to my keyhole surgery 6 weeks later, I was bombarded with nurses giving me painkillers, offering me a commode and making a general fuss.

I totally agree with you!

YANBU. Pregnancy and childbirth and the whole aftermath can be horribly traumatic. It's often dismissed and definitely not spoken about enough IMO. I bet people would talk about it more and care would be better if men carried babies! 🙄

Yup, the neglect and disregard is part of the baptism of fire for the general brutality of motherhood.

It does seem so strange to hear of someone having major surgery/trauma and expected to carry on as normal. I feel like because most women have a 'can do' attitude they just get on with it and want to do everything after labour so happy to get on with it.

I know my husband has quite harsh view of staff he manages that are ill in pregnancy or have taken extended time off due to miscarriage as I have had 'easy' pregnancies and coped on my own after miscarriage. I did find though that in my first pregnancy I felt like I shouldn't show I was in pain, needing help, tired etc but this time round I have told him I am tired I need xxx from you and I will be going for a lie down while you do xxx and it's been quite an eye opener for him. I did tell him that I didn't get a medal for being such a good sport in my first pregnancy and labour and instead of pushing myself to my limit I will not feel ashamed to lie down while he cooks/cleans/parents. I therefore think in my circumstances it's partly my own fault but it's only recently we've started having more discussion about what happens in pregnancy/labour and men are becoming more involved.

Interesting to note though that in some Asian cultures the mother of the mum to be moves in after birth and they have bed rest for a very long time while mother does most things and mum just looks after baby from bed

Interesting to note though that in some Asian cultures the mother of the mum to be moves in after birth

I think I’d prefer the postnatal ward!

Hahaha yes I would too 100% or would rather be on my own!

Absolutely what getting untrapped said, with bells on.

People don’t expect us to get on with it after major surgery other than sections? I wish someone had told me that.
What’s your alternative when a woman has a baby to look after?

I don't think op is looking for an alternative she just wants it acknowledged how shit it is

I don't disagree, it's bloody hard getting up and looking after yourself never mind a baby when your fanny is inside out and you just want to feel sorry for yourself. If people were a bit more aware of what we went through it would make it easier for sure instead of pushing ourselves to our limits and then feeling like you can't cope as well as people expect you to

I've had 3 and don't remember horrific trauma. I remember pain, yes. But it was pain I wanted to have my babies and I didn't feel like I needed to be bedridden afterwards. I think that's only in extreme cases. My 16 year old has had a baby this week and has literally amazed me with their resilience. We don't need to lie in bed with painkillers for days afterwards unless something has gone really wrong.

I was a midwife in the 70s/80s and I think maternity care is far, far worse now than it was then. I have witnessed dreadful neglect of my own family members. I really worry about my dd if she ever decides to have a child.
IMO it is down to dangerous staffing levels, nhs cuts generally, inadequate training, more high risk women who need more and better care, not less.
There is the usual thing around women getting less care and attention generally.

@TheOriginalEmu

People don’t expect us to get on with it after major surgery other than sections? I wish someone had told me that. What’s your alternative when a woman has a baby to look after?

I didn’t want anyone to look after DD for me. I just wanted, when I had fallen and was on the hospital floor because I was very faint following a PPH, to have some help up and to the loo without being made to feel like they thought I was a huge inconvenience who was just being lazy. That’s all.

@SickAndTiredAgain totally empathise. I absolutely wanted to take care of my own baby, when I had my first but bloody hell, I was almost a danger to him due to the state of me after his birth. Immediately after a 24 hr labour,
massive tear and a fucking haemorrhage. Just left on the bed. Loo at opposite end of ward. Shouted at for keeping the baby in my bed even though it was because I literally couldn't get up and put him in the bassinet.
And people questioned my choice to have my subsequent babies at home.

I’ve had 4 kids 2 emergency sections, the last two I was on my own completely (lone parent) I didn’t have a single bit of help with my last child including in hospital (I gave birth alone) and stayed in hospital on my own after emcs,
I came home on my own with a newborn a 3 year old and 5 year old and a 6 year old, tbh you just get on with it what is the alternative? They say not to heavy lifting etc after but what do you do when you are on your own, like I said just get on with it. Not sure what the alternative is...

Agree.

I have a pretty clear memory of the midwife telling me off for being afraid to walk to the toilet alone when i had just given birth. Then I passed out on the way back, fortunately onto a bed, and had to be given an IV. Zero sympathy or concern.

@TurnUpTurnip

I’ve had 4 kids 2 emergency sections, the last two I was on my own completely (lone parent) I didn’t have a single bit of help with my last child including in hospital (I gave birth alone) and stayed in hospital on my own after emcs, I came home on my own with a newborn a 3 year old and 5 year old and a 6 year old, tbh you just get on with it what is the alternative? They say not to heavy lifting etc after but what do you do when you are on your own, like I said just get on with it. Not sure what the alternative is...

But it must still feel shitty, right?