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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Women are being neglected

189 replies

Witchywonder · 25/10/2021 16:38

So I’m 39 weeks pregnant and sick of people dismissing the pain and horrific trauma women can experience while pregnant…or in relation to general health issues.

When else would anyone be expected to “get on with it” and walk on a cracked bone?

No one would actually expect someone having abdominal surgery to look after a new born/ other children, and continue general life…unless they’ve just had a section. I had key-hole surgery a few years ago on my stomach and I was put on bed rest for 8 weeks after, with morphine tablets.

AIBU to think in this day and age we should acknowledge how sh*t this is?

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/10/2021 00:30

Yes my experience and what I’ve heard is that it’s awful.

In the 70s and 80s, and in other countries, they approach it entirely differently. They make sure that the mother rests.

SheilaWilcox · 26/10/2021 00:39

I had a normal (ish) birth and no significant injuries and I still feel bitter about the my health concerns were dismissed post child birth.

I think the health implications definitely need to be spoken about more and honestly so women can make informed decisions before deciding to have children.

Love my DD, but would never have chosen to have her if I knew how fucked my body would be. I'm 45 and feel completely broken. I don't know if I'll ever work again, due to the limitations.

Kanaloa · 26/10/2021 00:58

You had key hole abdominal surgery and were told to stay on bed rest for eight weeks with morphine?

That’s extremely unusual and not beat practice. I’ve had a lot of surgery and even after major surgery have been encouraged to get up as soon as possible, even if it’s just to move from bed to chair, or to try and take a few steps. Basically as soon as the catheter is out I’ve always been encouraged to try and move, while of course resting when I can.

I’ve also never been kept on morphine for eight weeks - this seems really unusual after a keyhole surgery. I’m assuming you had some other health issues.

Anyway, I think it depends. When you’re on your own you just need to get own with it although it can be difficult if you’ve had a hard birth. I think people expect that you will have some family help.

julieca · 26/10/2021 01:17

YANBU to be angry at poor maternity care. But 8 weeks bed rest after keyhole surgery is very unusual. I am scheduled for abdominal keyhole surgery as a day patient and have been told I should be fine to be back at work in a few days.
Mothers used to be kept in hospital for a week with a nursery for the babies. It was mothers themselves who campaigned against this as they wanted their babies by their bed and to get home to their other children sooner. Government seeing a way to save money was happy to oblige.
But in plenty of other countries families take on a much larger role in looking after a woman who has just given birth. And in this country paternity leave could be used for this.

AnnListersBlister · 26/10/2021 01:25

It's the main reason I've not had children
Women are treated appallingly and its about time it changed.

WarmthAndDepth · 26/10/2021 01:44

Wombat, I think you really sum it up; yes, you just get on with it because what else are you supposed to do and it is OK to acknowledge that it is shit, overwhelming, humiliating, disempowering, the whole messy lot of it. The response to and support available for birth injuries and post-surgery complications, physical and mental complaints as a result of pregnancy and post-natal ill health is pitiful. Part of the problem is that we're so busy just keeping our noses over the water, just 'getting on with it', in the early days that making time to seek help and advice seems unattainable. I was never lonelier than when I had newborns. Surrounded by well-wishers but really quite unseen.

user1471457751 · 26/10/2021 01:56

@AnnListersBlister @julieca I wonder if the OP means she had surgery on her stomach organ as that's the only way I can think of to have that much bed rest - the stomach lining can be v weak and a rupture v dangerous. But then that is a completely different type of surgery to a c section so the OP shouldn't compare the 2.

user1471457751 · 26/10/2021 01:57

Saying that, I think the OP is completely right that women are not treated well during pregnancy and childbirth.

Nomorecoco · 26/10/2021 02:06

I agree, was told to 'get on with it and stop complaining' after my emergency c section, they ended up missing out 2 major reactions that were causing both my 'unidentifiable' sepsis and my inability to move. 1 got reported as an incident on my last day, and the 2nd they tried to sweep under the carpet. 1. 5 years in I'm still in a lot of pain from it all.

Cameleongirl · 26/10/2021 02:07

@happylittletree

Agree.

I have a pretty clear memory of the midwife telling me off for being afraid to walk to the toilet alone when i had just given birth. Then I passed out on the way back, fortunately onto a bed, and had to be given an IV. Zero sympathy or concern.

Similar experience for me, haemorraghed and then told to walk to the toilet. Passed out on the loo!
Elllicam · 26/10/2021 02:13

I had a lengthy and complicated section 11 days ago which included a fair amount of blood loss. My baby was born at 950 am. The next time I was offered painkillers was 10pm.

Happyhappyday · 26/10/2021 02:57

I also had a traumatic birth, immediately post I had 1:1 care overnight, I do remember needing to buzz anytime DD cried and being surprised that I was expected to do it myself when I couldn’t move. Also had a lot of pain after the epidural wore off but wasn’t able to get proper relief until a co sultans came in the next morning.

That said MW did hand express for me to give DD colostrum. I think got told off the next morning by the lactation midwife for getting help. I told I’d been completely incapacitated (I was on high dependency ward so should’ve been obvious?) and she grudgingly said that was maybe ok then. But seriously. It was shit.

Pallisers · 26/10/2021 03:14

@jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey

You seem to extremely angry at the thought of having to look after your child after childbirth! I'm not really sure what the alternative would be
A bit of support maybe? Like you'd give anyone who had gone through a physically difficult time? Wondering how did you not think of that alternative yourself? Let's see. Woman has c-section or pph but needs to mind her newborn ... what to do, what to do? Is there no way she could get some help? Such a hard conundrum.
Chocaholic9 · 26/10/2021 03:30

@Marelle

I was extremely unwell after my c section, not to mention high as a kite from morphine and numb from the waist down and unable to move until the epidural wore off. I was in no fit state to look after a baby and couldn’t reach my suitcase under the bed. But when I asked for help the nurses just said “we aren’t allowed, policy is you have to look after your own baby”. How the fuck was I supposed to dress and change a baby and his bedding whilst my legs were numb and I was attached to a catheter and my brain was off tripping with the fairies? After they removed the catheter and my legs started working a bit I asked for help to use the toilet and they refused again.

I don’t think it’s reasonable to say I didn’t deserve help because pregnancy was a self inflicted choice. Lots of people have self inflicted illnesses from smoking, drinking or obesity etc but I bet the nurses don’t refuse to help an alcoholic who’s just had a liver transplant and needs assistance to use the toilet.

Wow. That is so awful. I hope you complained later!
Pinkbonbon · 26/10/2021 03:30

Tbh I think we should be educating and encouraging women to avoid pregnancy at all costs. It's dangerous in many ways and let's face it, half the ppl who have kids, probably should not have had them. There are also lots of children in the world already that don't have families.

Say what you like about that radical feminist ...Firestone, I believe, she was right that until women are free from pregnancy and childbirth, they will always be vulnerable to subjugation, exploitation and abuse.

groovergirl · 26/10/2021 04:38

Bloody hell. Were you ladies in the same hospital as me? Unlikely, as I'm in Australia, yet my experience at the hands of nurses and "lactation experts" after an emergency C was horribly similar. It reduced me to tears, even tho at 42 I was a tough chick and not prone to crying. I bawled, then demanded to be discharged. "Oh, but you can't leave, you've just had an EC." "Either you discharge me and DH picks me up, or I walk out now with DD and hail a tram."

They discharged me.

DM was horrified at the neglect. When she gave birth to me and DB she had two weeks of post-natal bliss with the nurses taking care of everything while she recovered.

I've applied to study nursing next year. Yes, it's a second career late in life, but my patients will receive the very best care and my highly articulate advocacy. Wish me luck.

ShepherdMoons · 26/10/2021 04:45

I totally agree!I had a c section and was expected the next day to carry my 9lb baby down to a room where there was milk (I couldn't lactate due to severe anaemia). I was in complete agony and exhausted after spending several days in labour.

I will always remember the way I was treated, probably the most dehumanising experience of my life.

ShepherdMoons · 26/10/2021 04:47

Oh and the days following this being given some paracetamol on discharge!! Complete agony!!! I take paracetamol for a headache, this is major surgery.

TheFairyCaravan · 26/10/2021 04:53

I had a traumatic birth with DS1. The midwives and maternity assistants were great. They helped me change him, helped me to the toilet and brought me food.

I was in and out of hospital with DS2 because I couldn’t walk (still can’t) from 19 weeks. I had a mixed experience. It was mainly the doctors who were shit, tbh, but I think that was because they didn’t know what to do.

Since then I’ve been in and out of hospital a lot for major surgeries on my back and pelvis and over the years the standard of care had reduced. It’s not because they don’t want to do it, it’s because they physically can’t because they don’t have the correct amount of staff on a shift so they’re pulled in all directions.

I’d love to know what keyhole surgery warrants being in bed for 8 weeks on Morphine. I didn’t need that after having my pelvis fused.

UsedUpUsername · 26/10/2021 04:56

Interesting to note though that in some Asian cultures the mother of the mum to be moves in after birth and they have bed rest for a very long time while mother does most things and mum just looks after baby from bed

Lol not only that but your DM or MIL would actually move in forever and dictate everything wrt the children. (It’s the cause of a lot of marriage breakdown with Westerners who marry in 😱)

IMarchToADifferentDrummer · 26/10/2021 05:08

I'm glad I wasn't wherever you lot were when it came to giving birth!!

Charley50 · 26/10/2021 05:09

UK maternity services really have got massively worse is the last few years haven't they? The stats are all there, and MN users provide so many anecdotes. I had my babies years ago, but some of the things I read on here really shock me. It's negligence.

VashtaNerada · 26/10/2021 05:09

YANBU. Yes, there are some lucky women who have easy births and easy recoveries but many of us do not (physically and/or psychologically) and it is not always understood or supported.

Shasha17 · 26/10/2021 05:14

So you're saying a mother shouldn't take care of the baby she has just given birth to? Confused

Charley50 · 26/10/2021 05:22

@MadameGazellee

So you're saying a mother shouldn't take care of the baby she has just given birth to? Confused
No, she was saying when there are painful complications, the mother might need some help.
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