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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Women are being neglected

189 replies

Witchywonder · 25/10/2021 16:38

So I’m 39 weeks pregnant and sick of people dismissing the pain and horrific trauma women can experience while pregnant…or in relation to general health issues.

When else would anyone be expected to “get on with it” and walk on a cracked bone?

No one would actually expect someone having abdominal surgery to look after a new born/ other children, and continue general life…unless they’ve just had a section. I had key-hole surgery a few years ago on my stomach and I was put on bed rest for 8 weeks after, with morphine tablets.

AIBU to think in this day and age we should acknowledge how sh*t this is?

OP posts:
RussianSpy101 · 26/10/2021 07:31

8 weeks bed rest after keyhole surgery? Seriously OP.
If you’re anxious about giving birth that’s fine. Some of us recover fine and are happy to look after our babies post c-section. Don’t generalise

Lilymossflower · 26/10/2021 07:31

I agree with you. Bloody patriarchy Angry

Brefugee · 26/10/2021 07:32

I came home on my own with a newborn a 3 year old and 5 year old and a 6 year old, tbh you just get on with it what is the alternative? They say not to heavy lifting etc after but what do you do when you are on your own, like I said just get on with it. Not sure what the alternative is...

And, what? you'd have turned down offers of help, or hated having empathetic nurses who cared for you while in hospital? It is not a race to the bottom (although, apparently it is)

Not sure how it is now but when i had DC1 25 years ago in Germany it was absolutely expected that i would be in there for 5 days concentrating on bonding with the baby. BUT the nurses took DC away in the night unless you really insisted, and came to get you if they woke up. They changed most of the nappies for me, dressed the baby and generally really took care of us and gave us a really good opportunity to get to know each other, ask questions and get advice (I needed lots)

With #2 a few years later i only stayed 2 days because of having a toddler at home, but it was the same thing, and expected to stay for 5 and bond with the baby without outside pressure.

Being short staffed is no reason to shout at women with newborns.

TokyoTen · 26/10/2021 07:32

Who do you feel is dismissive and uncaring? You post is very generalised and its not my experience at all. Do you think its a couple of people in particular?

Eealoty · 26/10/2021 07:35

It's scary how uncertain the care after childbirth is, and then not being able to just leave the hospital when the noise/ general stressful environment and apathetic atmosphere is too much. Being treated like this when experiencing high levels of pain and/ or immobile after surgery is just so shocking to hear about.

U2HasTheEdge · 26/10/2021 07:36

My son's partner has just given birth by C-Section. Thankfully they are home now, but there was very little care in the hospital.

Funny enough, the physio told her she was doing too much too soon, but there wasn't really any other option.

Yes, she chose to have a baby, but she was still deserving of much more care than she received.

Goawaymorningsickeness · 26/10/2021 07:43

I had a planned section as my baby was breach. This was over 20 years ago. The post op care was so poor I discharged myself after two nights and went home where I was looked after brilliantly by my husband. From these posts it certainly appears that maternity care in the uk can be horrendous. We read regularly in the news about babies dying and see awful examples of birth and post care birth. I know these cases are in the minority but it’s not surprising that pregnant women can be afraid to give birth.

Labloverrr · 26/10/2021 07:48

Some posters have spectacularly missed the point made by the OP.

Olivegreenstrawberries · 26/10/2021 07:51

@jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey

You seem to extremely angry at the thought of having to look after your child after childbirth! I'm not really sure what the alternative would be
For the father of the child to look after them. This would mean hospitals would have to be better equipped for father's to stay over night.
BigPyjamas · 26/10/2021 07:51

I was shocked at the level of care, good care, that my DH received in hospital recently. Food brought to him, assistance with washing and going to the loo, regular pain killers. He actually quite enjoyed it, medical issue aside.

Post birth there's such a lack of respect, a dehumanising way in which I (and the majority of people I've spoke to) was treated. Disregard for our pain, no assistance, no kindness, no care.

It was a brutal and mentally scarring situation. The race to the bottom, the lack of respect I've seen in the UK's maternity care, truly a scandal.

2Two · 26/10/2021 07:53

I do agree. I remember telling a midwife how I was still being sick at 7 months, had dreadful indigestion, and various other symptoms, and saw her write in the notes "all well". I wanted to ask if she would really feel well if she had a fraction of those problems.

Puppermam · 26/10/2021 07:55

I’ve had 4 kids 2 emergency sections, the last two I was on my own completely (lone parent) I didn’t have a single bit of help with my last child including in hospital (I gave birth alone) and stayed in hospital on my own after emcs,
I came home on my own with a newborn a 3 year old and 5 year old and a 6 year old, tbh you just get on with it what is the alternative? They say not to heavy lifting etc after but what do you do when you are on your own, like I said just get on with it. Not sure what the alternative is

It's not a race to the bottom. Just because you had a frankly shit time of it doesn't mean everyone else has to as well. Wouldn't it have been much nicer for you if you had someone to help you out?

Goawaymorningsickeness · 26/10/2021 07:55

@chocolateorangeinhaler

Well...

I used to do a lot of running. Went running at night and put my foot in a pothole. Leg above the ankle blew up like a balloon. Long story short it took months of moaning that finally led to an MRI that revealed a fracture. I couldn't weight bear on it for months.

No you wouldn't get given morphine for keyhole surgery. It's a controlled drug so certainly are not going to let you have that after having a baby then needing to look after the baby. Why would you want it anyway it's highly addictive.

Have you had a section. They do give you morphine in a pump for the first 24 hours and you are expected to look after your baby at the same time. That is with numb legs and a catheter in.
Puppermam · 26/10/2021 07:59

So you're saying a mother shouldn't take care of the baby she has just given birth to? confused

Yeah, that's exactly what everyone's saying. Well done you, for seeing right to the heart of the issue. Idiot.

HotPenguin · 26/10/2021 08:01

Absolutely agree OP, my experience both times was that the general ward post birth was understaffed to dangerous levels, and the staff that were there were massively stressed and in some cases resorted to bullying women in a really horrible way. One night in hospital I waited hours for someone to move my baby from my bed back into the cot as I couldn't stand. I had to bite my hand to stop myself falling asleep and dropping the baby. The member of staff on duty was single handedly looking after all the post birth women AND some women in labour.

SkankingMopoke · 26/10/2021 08:03

@MadameGazellee

So you're saying a mother shouldn't take care of the baby she has just given birth to? Confused
I don't think anyone is saying that. PPs are saying that women may need help and support in some places where their injuries don't allow them to 'just get on with it'. Women also need adequate pain relief. Often, women just need help with some basic things which if given allow them to both recover and care for the baby. It's not big things either: giving medication on time so patients aren't left in unnecessary pain, passing mum the baby to feed from the bassinet as twisting and lifting post CS is painful and ill-advised, bringing meals to the patient rather than expecting them to walk a fairly long distance then carry the food back to their bed (leaving the baby in the process) when in considerable pain (because they haven't had their meds on time) or are actually unable to walk at all. Nobody expects to be treated like royalty, just with a bit of basic care and respect. If the mothers are supported with their injuries, they will then be able to safely care for their babies.
Puppermam · 26/10/2021 08:05

It's no wonder the men in charge don't take women seriously when even other women don't take women seriously!!!!!!!!

Is it so hard to imagine that just because you had great care and sailed through birth without a scratch that other women aren't so lucky? This attitude of "well my birth wasn't like that, so there's nothing wrong with post natal care in this country" is fucking SHIT and it's coming from other women.

It can take years for women to be taken seriously if they have injuries that stem from birth causing pain and distress years later. If you did have an easy birth, how about shutting your mouth next time you want to go "well i had to get on with it, it wasnt that hard, so you should just have to get on with it too" and actually LISTEN to what other women are telling you. It seems to me it's women keeping women down when it comes to this shit, not men.

HotPenguin · 26/10/2021 08:06

And the problem I think is that hospitals refuse to let partners/visitors stay to help, but they don't have the staff to provide adequate care themselves. One of those needs to give.

HotPenguin · 26/10/2021 08:08

In one hospital my baby wasnt tagged and I was told it was my responsibility never to let the baby out of my sight. How was I meant to sleep, shower, go to the toilet, get food?

ViceLikeBlip · 26/10/2021 08:15

It makes me really sad when even other women (on this thread) can't muster any sympathy.

I broke my leg a couple of years ago- it wasn't too bad, didn't need surgery or pinning or anything, and in fact I was able to walk on it within a few days with a walking boot. My cousin broke her leg last week- she's now got a metal plate, a cast up to her hip, and won't even be walking with crutches for weeks. Can you imagine if I were muttering about how a broken leg really isn't all that big of a deal, and how I never made this much fuss about it.......

SkankingMopoke · 26/10/2021 08:17

You don't always get morphine after a CS, although my youngest is 5yo so maybe things have changed in that time?
I've had 2 CS. The first was elective due to breech. I was given paracetamol and ibuprofen only, then on day 2 they reluctantly allowed me one dose of oramorph because I was in so much pain I was crying. DC2 was a cat 1 CS caused by the staffs' negligence (key indicators missed, including me correctly telling them what was happening), and I was given a morphine drip for 2 days after that followed by only paracetamol and ibuprofen for the next 3 days I was in hospital. In both births, the drugs round was always running late, so the pain relief was regularly completely worn off between doses once on the p&i.
Proper pain relief (and rest!) makes a world of difference. Despite a far more traumatic birth, with greater injuries (DC2 was a uterine rupture), the recovery from DC2 was much much easier, which I directly link to the 2 days enforced bed rest and morphine drip.

CourgetteSeason · 26/10/2021 08:17

100% agree. I've had 2 lots of abdominal surgery and the painkillers / help afterwards was amazing. Compared to when I had DS, and I saw a poor woman on the ward getting told off when she asked a midwife to make a bottle of formula for her baby. She'd just had a c section and couldn't walk. Fucking joke.

RussianSpy101 · 26/10/2021 08:18

@Goawaymorningsickeness not necessarily. I didn’t have the morphine for 24 hours with any of my 3 csections.
Never had a problem looking after them with a catheter in either.
Again, don’t generalise.

BleakExpectations · 26/10/2021 08:22

Most midwives don't have nurse training, so aren't skilled in post op rehab or pain control.

Houseofvelour · 26/10/2021 08:24

My pregnancy with my first was horrendous. I hated every second of it and it was pretty traumatic. A lot of people were sympathetic but there were some 'get on with it' attitudes.
When I discovered I was pregnant with my second, I was initially devastated and had to have therapy as I became so depressed.
Thankfully, although it wasn't a great pregnancy, it was a lot better (although I did end up in a wheelchair for part of it).

After the second pregnancy, I was very unwell and went to my gp who rolled his eyes and said "you're just feeling rough because you've just had a baby".
I changed to a different GP surgery that day and my new GP ordered loads of blood tests and it came back that I had severe vitamin deficiencies. Thankfully after some medications, I was all better.
It makes a huge difference when people listen, believe you and actively try to help you.

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