Women are being neglected

[Witchywonder]

So I’m 39 weeks pregnant and sick of people dismissing the pain and horrific trauma women can experience while pregnant…or in relation to general health issues.

When else would anyone be expected to “get on with it” and walk on a cracked bone?

No one would actually expect someone having abdominal surgery to look after a new born/ other children, and continue general life…unless they’ve just had a section. I had key-hole surgery a few years ago on my stomach and I was put on bed rest for 8 weeks after, with morphine tablets.

AIBU to think in this day and age we should acknowledge how sh*t this is?

I’m in no way saying I don’t want to look after my child, I can’t wait to be a mum. But that doesn’t mean it’s not incredibly difficult, especially for women who have had sections or been torn from front to back to “get on with it”, never mind those without a partner or family support - these women are hero’s!
I’m simply saying that these things are downplay in relation to pregnancy, but wouldn’t be at any other time.

My midwife told me my pelvic bone has cracked, but there is nothing they can do for it and that it’s “just one of those things”. That seems to be the general view of pregnancy related illness, and of course it’s “worth it”, but it’s still shit.

After reading others comments, there is clearly a lack of understanding or care when it comes to pregnancy/ birth related pain or injuries, it’s almost seen as shameful to be in pain or struggling. That is wrong, as women we should be telling the truth, doctors should be offering pain relief, more help should be available for those who need it, so much needs to change.

But of course, it’s worth it, we’d do anything for our children. We’d take a bullet for them - I’d just like to get some help for the wound after.

@groovergirl
DS was born in June, I was in hospital for a week, bloods back to normal by October last year. I am very lucky in that respect, and the care I received was wonderful.
I can't help thinking that if DS had survived, some PPs would have had me left in sole charge of him, even though I was hooked up to every contraption going and was barely conscious for several days.
By the time I came round again my babys body was cold and stiff and his lips were blue.

@jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey

You seem to extremely angry at the thought of having to look after your child after childbirth! I'm not really sure what the alternative would be

No problem with looking after my newborn post-abdo surgery. What I was pissed of about was being expected to change my own hospital bed sheets. I informed ward staff that I had leaked a substantial amount of blood all over the bed and a towel that I had laid down. They came back 2 hours later with a bundle of bed clothes and left them on the foot of bed for me to change. Middle of night so no partner to do it for me. I couldn’t even walk at this point! Me and baby just led in heavily soiled sheets until the morning when my partner changed the bed for me.

ColinTheKoala, there seems to be that odd attitude on this thread. The notion that pregnancy and birth is a choice so it’s your own fault if you suffer is really bizarre and misogynistic. Every human has been carried and birthed by a women. Without which there would be no humans whatsoever. Why do we treat life giving with such contempt in this country? No wonder we have a falling birth rate.

Why can't you unfasten the catheter bag from the bed and carry it with you?

I only had a catheter for a short period of time and it was removed while still in the labour ward, before I needed to move anywhere. But had it remained, I wouldn’t have known that I was able/allowed to just unfasten it. I’d have assumed that if it was fixed to the bed, then that’s where it should be.

Also had no idea you were allowed to walk with a tube up your vag,

Do you know what a catheter is?

If they put the tube "up your vag" then you should definitely complain.

Anyway I’m not walking about carrying a bag of piss, that’s just disgusting.

Why is it disgusting?
It's in a sealed bag.
Your hands don't touch the urine.
You aren't trailing piss all over the floor.

I imagine that would hurt?

Why? They aren't shoving the hose from a tumble drier up there.

Having given birth twice and broken an ankle, I can honestly say I have never felt pain like breaking am ankle. It had me in tears. I tore with my first born, and even that didn't bring me to tears.

I do agree however that the pain of birth/ periods etc is dismissed and minimised generally. I had to 'prove' that I was in enough pain to warrant gas and air by walking around the hospital before they'd examine me because I didn't appear to be in enough pain. I was actually 7cm dilated when they did eventually agree to examine me. With my second, I was stood waiting to be triaged and told to wait my turn until dh told them if they didn't get me seen I'd give birth right there in the corridor. 30 mins later I gave birth, without gad and air, and only after a very painful examination during which dd's heartbeat dropped and they considered an emergency c section.

When dsis was 20, she went to the gp with excruciating pains. She was told it was period pains. She ended up having an ovary removed and both fallopian tubes irreparably damaged.

How would most women know how to unhook and safely move a catheter bag? That's what nursing staff should do and support the patient. It's not the woman's problem to fiddle with it.

Wow yeah some of the aftercare sounds awful, I feel very lucky, 4 children and a miscarriage and was always helped, asked if was ok etc (public wards or first was semi private in our local hospital)

Why can't you unfasten the catheter bag from the bed and carry it with you?

The drainage tube I had was around 2m long and probably an inch wide it would have been a tripping hazard/likely to get caught on something if I were to walk around with it. I assume there are different sizes and types more suitable for longer term use but I was told that I would only be allowed to get up once the catheter was removed.

Catheters worn out and about are specially adapted and designed for that reason (and although not perfect, are amazing bits of kit). They're not comparable.

Child birth and pregnancy has been terrible since humans moved up on to two legs. Not much can be done unless you just lie on your back for 9 months.

I had abdominal surgery recently and was hauled out of bed by the nurse 2 hours post op and told to do laps of the corridors. I don't think they recommend bedrest anymore for most ops.

And yes I had a catheter in and was on a drip whilst walking.

Unless you sneezed the baby out and bounced home in the glow of motherhood no one wants to know. Because deep down that’s all women are still valued as, breeding machines, everything else is just to create a facade to keep us sweet.

Sadly I'm coming to that conclusion. There are so many stories on here about HCPs dismissing problems with periods, menopause, prolapse etc it makes me think that so long as women aren't at imminent risk of dying (and consequently creating a lot of hassle and paperwork) the NHS generally (individual staff can be lovely) does not give a fuck. I'm struggling with heavy periods at the moment and I'm thinking of going private just because hopefully I'll be taken more seriously.

YANBU. It's awful.

With DS1 i was left pushing for 4.5 hours and they only paid attention when his heart rate crashed. Midwives on the ward were pretty useless, the first night I was there I buzzed twice for help and was made to feel like that was too much. Had an episiotomy yet basically had to beg for paracetamol. The stitches all came out by day 3. I remember going to my midwife appointment after and she made a fuss about having to examine me, acted like the whole thing was no big deal even though it was horribly painful, discharged me and told me to ring the doctors to get antibiotics. I was left feeling like maybe this was a common thing to happen but every GP I spoke to on the phone (I was on antibiotics on/off for several months) was shocked and said it was extremely bad luck. It was 3 months before I could walk comfortably again and 12 months before it wasn't painful at all.

2 years later I had a miscarriage, a few days after it happened I was readmitted to the ward due to retained placenta/products. The doctors who saw me in the evening insisted I stay overnight to be monitored, but the ones who started their shift in the morning couldn't understand why I was still there and I was told to leave straight away. I think I was at the hospital about 18 hours in total and wasn't offered anything to eat or drink apart from water. I asked for a doctor to examine me again as I knew there was something still not right but I was told that it was time to get on with it now, lots of women have miscarriages and it was normal for things to be uncomfortable for awhile after. Unsurprisingly the scan a few days later showed that there was still retained placenta and I needed a D&C, then I got an infection after, the GP said it was probably because it had been left for so long.

Things much easier with DS2 but I went to a different hospital than with DS1 because we'd moved house and the only thing on the ward that I could eat was yoghurt, because I have coeliac disease and can't eat gluten. It wasn't a big deal really because my H was able to bring me food but, really? Are things so stretched that hospitals cannot feed their patients? Yet they managed to find countless staff to tell me how important breastfeeding was, despite me saying that I'd bf DS1 and would be doing so for DS2.

As for where my H was, with DS1 he wasn't allowed to stay overnight and during the day visiting hours were 11am-7pm. With DS2 in a different hospital the visiting hours were longer but he also had DS1 to look after and arrange grandparents to look after him so he couldn't stay every single minute.

Sometimes men are just an inconvenience to the other women if they stay anyway. I remember on the antenatal ward with DS2 (I was induced) one guy was lying in the bed watching tv loudly on his tablet while his poor partner who had been admitted with serious pain, had to sit on the chair! On the ward afterwards another dad spent most of the time moaning down the phone to his mum (?) about how difficult it was. He was buzzing the midwives constantly and wouldn't even attempt to do anything himself, I remember him looking over to me completely shocked that I'd changed DS2's nappy myself.

Both of their tongue ties were missed too... that's a story for another thread but it's just another example of how women's concerns are dismissed.

@jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey

You seem to extremely angry at the thought of having to look after your child after childbirth! I'm not really sure what the alternative would be

A neat and tidy QED for you there OP.

OP, YANBU.

[quote RussianSpy101]@Goawaymorningsickeness not necessarily. I didn’t have the morphine for 24 hours with any of my 3 csections.
Never had a problem looking after them with a catheter in either.
Again, don’t generalise.[/quote]
I was talking about my experience. I wasn't generalising any more than the poster I was replying to, who said that women do not have morphine.
I've actually never heard of anyone not having morphine post section, for a period of time. Although obviously I'm talking about the women I personally know, rather than the female population in general

@User7312019

I don’t know anyone who’s been told to just get on with it after either a normal or traumatic birth. But either way there is clearly a difference between cracking a bone and having a baby - you chose to have one of them.

I was told to just get on with it after my emergency c section. I didn't chose to have that.

As an ex midwife I find this thread so upsetting. I didn't go back after I had my dc because the only part time posts were on first year staff nurse pay.
I am deeply ashamed of how bad maternity care is these days. I think the long term implications of treating mothers so badly is huge and the mental and physical health problems caused by neglect are unacceptable in a civilised society.
I am so, so sorry for the pain and distress inflicted on pp on this thread.
We all need to keep complaining and writing to our MPs.

Oh, and I had my son in April 2016. I'm currently due my second very soon. At my first midwife appointment for this pregnancy, I was told I should have been offered counselling after the trauma of the birth if my son. Five years later they told me.

I was offered nothing. Nothing was ever mentioned again about what I'd been through. Some things happened to me that I didn't even know about until this pregnancy.

It's absolutely shocking.

@Newusernamelalala

Genuine question - for those at hospital needing help getting to the loo etc after giving birth, where was baby’s father? Was he at home looking after older DCs? I ask because I actually think I was too easy on my DH and told him to go home/to work (can’t really remember) asi was ok but actually in hindsight I really needed him sitting next to me with a book just to help me the first couple of days

My DH was there, but as new parents, we did what the experts told us - so I walked to the loo as instructed! DH and a nurse then found me in there unconscious and carried me back to bed.

We expected the medical staff to know what's best for their patient after a third-degree tear and haemorrhage. As it turned out, I ended up in hospital for five days as I was quite ill.

Sorry OP but yes, people are expected to get on with it in most situations, because what's the alternative? I had surgery a couple of years ago for a long term bowel issue and had to get myself home from the hospital on public transport, and carry on as normal at home because I live alone.

I'm not clear on what you think should happen and who you expect to help.

I had homebirths and so grateful this was possible for me as I had empowering experiences rather than some of the awful experiences I've read here. At home you have the midwifes full attention and you have your partner and anyone else you need to hand (my mum came to help for my first two).

I'm sure I read recently that homebirths aren't going ahead since covid. Is this true?