Women are being neglected

[Witchywonder]

So I’m 39 weeks pregnant and sick of people dismissing the pain and horrific trauma women can experience while pregnant…or in relation to general health issues.

When else would anyone be expected to “get on with it” and walk on a cracked bone?

No one would actually expect someone having abdominal surgery to look after a new born/ other children, and continue general life…unless they’ve just had a section. I had key-hole surgery a few years ago on my stomach and I was put on bed rest for 8 weeks after, with morphine tablets.

AIBU to think in this day and age we should acknowledge how sh*t this is?

I waited until DH came at 9am and he got my breakfast for me! He also helped lots of struggling women in the breakfast room as he thought it was barbaric women are left to make their own toast and lift heavy jugs of juice/coffee in that state. I think he carried at least 5 trays for grateful women.

In my hospital, men were expressly forbidden from getting breakfast for their partners. This was due to “the privacy of the women who will be getting breakfast in their nightwear.”
Which is fine, except the same women were struggling down the corridor (where men were allowed, it was the main corridor), walking to and from the loo etc, so it’s not exactly the most private of situations anyway. It seemed like such a odd point to decide to focus on the mothers’ dignity and privacy when they weren’t really a priority at any other time.

I have other children. Buy my last child I gave birth to at home. Basically I jumped straight back into things its like I had no choice. Next youngest to the new born was 1 . Had delayed development not walking etc . So was a bit like having twins. I remember things that really upset Me at the time a few times I was to tired to cook. So I would order fast food to be delivered . The order was wrong and I would end up with no food. Not one person bothered to make sure I had eaten or offered to get me something. Just sat there stuffing their face saying to me it's horrible when they mess your food up. Was being woken through the night every 2 hours for around 20 mins each time. Plus the 1 year old waking as well. Then their father had the snip and stayed with his mother for 7-10 days to recover. Not that it made a difference but i felt angry. I can't just go to my mother's if I was to have an op or if I was really ill. I have no choice but to get on with it .

My children are in primary school now so this was a while ago. But I have learnt I will always come last I will never actually matter.
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@Youseethethingis I am so sorry.

How are you now?

@MadameGazellee

So you're saying a mother shouldn't take care of the baby she has just given birth to?

Are you actually reading what people are posting? Some of these women have hemorrhaged and passed out, had numb legs due to an epidural and it's been PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE to move, how the fuck are they meant to take care of their babies? All women are asking for is some compassion or a bit of support or if they need it and are unable to properly care for their babies for a short period of time. It's not like they're too lazy or don't want to do it, Jesus!

@sisteract21

It does seem so strange to hear of someone having major surgery/trauma and expected to carry on as normal. I feel like because most women have a 'can do' attitude they just get on with it and want to do everything after labour so happy to get on with it.

I know my husband has quite harsh view of staff he manages that are ill in pregnancy or have taken extended time off due to miscarriage as I have had 'easy' pregnancies and coped on my own after miscarriage. I did find though that in my first pregnancy I felt like I shouldn't show I was in pain, needing help, tired etc but this time round I have told him I am tired I need xxx from you and I will be going for a lie down while you do xxx and it's been quite an eye opener for him. I did tell him that I didn't get a medal for being such a good sport in my first pregnancy and labour and instead of pushing myself to my limit I will not feel ashamed to lie down while he cooks/cleans/parents. I therefore think in my circumstances it's partly my own fault but it's only recently we've started having more discussion about what happens in pregnancy/labour and men are becoming more involved.

Interesting to note though that in some Asian cultures the mother of the mum to be moves in after birth and they have bed rest for a very long time while mother does most things and mum just looks after baby from bed

I'm so glad your vile husband isn't my boss.

I'm 38 weeks pregnant after an absolutely horrific pregnancy. My boss, who has no experience of pregnancy (he and his wife adopted and foster) was amazing, and continues to be amazing.

Having not experienced something isn't an excuse. Your husband is just a dick.

Can I ask why people are unable to get out of bed if they have a catheter in? Obviously if their legs are back after a spinal/epidural that is.

@Europilgrim

I agree OP. I was treated terribly my first pregnancy. I couldn't wait to get out of the hospital because it was so awful. My MIL had a week in hospital looking after her baby and being helped to recuperate in the 60s. We are going backwards.

Agreed. My first baby was born in the 1970s, second in the 1980s. The first hospital stay was one week, with lots of help with breastfeeding. No visiting until late afternoon, so the ward was very peaceful. The babies were in the nursery overnight unless they needed feeding. The nurses were all very caring and helpful. When DD had her babies everything was so awful, she got out as soon as possible. Same hospital.

@lupinlass I think there are different types of catheters but with the one I had the bag was attached to the bed and the tube was quite thick.

I'm appalled by some of the awful experiences others have had a d feel extremely lucky to have received excellent and compassionate compare when DD was born about a year ago.

I suppose as with all things, your mileage may vary, but it is unacceptable that so many have such terrible experiences. I suppose resource shortages and perhaps a few wrong-minded policies are the main reason.

YANBU. A bit of kindness would go a long way. It would need a culture change and funding for healthcare assistants.
You are on your own and vulnerable. I’ve had surgery under general anaesthetic 25 plus times and they bring you a sandwich after, pain medication.
My waters broke Sunday. They finally induced me Weds and I had baby Thursday morning. I’d had an epidural and spinal - prepped for c section but had keilands forceps in theatre. No tea or toast. By evening they were saying I needed to walk for food/toilet - I was numb from chest down. Barely slept since Sunday and had no food all day. It was unsurprising I couldn’t walk.
DC had health issues. They showed me how to tube feed her once scared me to death saying she could aspirate. Then left to it - I had to walk and rummage in cupboards to get equipment to sterilise it in a jug etc. My notes say something like mum asking to be observed feeding - as I’d asked someone to check I wasn’t hurting her first time I did it (I’d never bottle fed let alone tube fed a baby at this point)
I had one kind midwife who used to sit with me in night talking to me and used to offer to make me a hot drink and toast with staff. Her kindness really stood out.

Can I ask why people are unable to get out of bed if they have a catheter in?
You have a tube coming out between your legs and attached to a bag that’s fastened to the bed.

They showed me how to tube feed her once scared me to death saying she could aspirate. Then left to it - I had to walk and rummage in cupboards to get equipment to sterilise it in a jug etc.

What the fuck!

The worst thing is the fact they expect you to struggle on after major abdominal surgery with ibuprofen and paracetamol. You’re also expected to move around and try to carry on pretty much as normal after a week or so. It wouldn’t be this way with any other major surgery.

Well I was left with ptsd after the birth of my son, some of the stories you hear from others who have similarly suffered are equally as horrendous -it’s like we are breeding machines -so long as baby is healthy nothing else matters, if the baby isn’t well it’s largely down to the mother apparently. Where the hospital fucks up notes are falsified, usually with the slant of portraying the mother as an hysterical woman, I would say 10% of midwives are bloody amazing, 70% could be making widgets in a factory and 20% are evil and would have made excellent pow camp guards.

As well as the general appalling care for mothers society conspires to keep it quiet, you are immediately shut down with “at least you and your baby are healthy” Davina fucking McCall telling mothers who had bad births not to mention it.

Unless you sneezed the baby out and bounced home in the glow of motherhood no one wants to know. Because deep down that’s all women are still valued as, breeding machines, everything else is just to create a facade to keep us sweet.

After I'd had my first baby I was really weak, I've no idea what happened to me (doctors/midwives couldn't figure it out) but I didn't have the energy to stand. One midwife told me I had to get clean immediately and ushered me into the shower. I begged not to but she made it clear that it wasn't optional. I had to lean on my DH while he washed me, I was a mess. I was then told that I had to try and do a wee and I fainted on the toilet, smacking my face on the sink.

With my 2nd baby my waters broke but contractions didn't kick in for quite a while. I went in for an induction but luckily once I was there contractions ramped up. The midwife told me that they wouldn't start the induction yet but if it may still have to happen. She absolutely refused to believe me that the contractions were getting much stronger and baby was coming. Even when I was clearly in agony she was still telling me that I wasn't properly in labour and might have to have the induction. She made it clear that she thought I was just being dramatic and I didn't know my own body. When I told her that I needed to push so she checked me and said "oh you're 10cm, OK you can push then" (she was quite obviously unimpressed that I wasn't just being a drama queen). From getting to hospital to baby being born was just short of 2 hours. Then I was weak again, same as after the first. Yet again I was treated like a drama queen and told that DH had to go home now (baby was born at 9pm) and I would have to look after the baby overnight. I just burst into tears and said "how am I supposed to look after my baby when I can't even sit myself up enough to get him out of the bassinet". They reluctantly let me have a private room with DH staying overnight to look after the baby.

Now I 100% get that the NHS is ridiculously stretched. It boils my blood that it has been so underfunded for so long. I also get that quite a few of the problems I encountered were because they were so stretched. And I sympathise with the staff who are put in shitty situations and are unable to give their patients the care they need. But I was treated like a whinging child by some of the staff that looked after me in both labours. I wasn't listened to, was talked down to and was made to feel useless, gross and pathetic. I'm still angry when I think back to it all. Tbh it has put me right off seeking medical care for anything. If I absolutely have to then I downplay whatever is wrong with me so much because I don't want them to think I'm being dramatic.

I had an EMCS and needed a GA as baby needed coming out NOW! It was horrible afterwards and I had lost a lot of blood.

DH was sent home about 7 and I was expected to get on with it. I told them I felt really unwell and got 🤷🏼‍♀️.

Next day they realised my bowel had been grazed during EMCS and I ended up in a room without baby with a tube up my nose and down my throat while midwives had to look after DS.

Horrendous experience

I had my DC in another country (private hospital) but I’m british, my experience was miles away from what UK women face. There was a nursery for newborns but I could also keep her with me if I chose and a nanny would come up and do nappy changes and take her to be bathed etc. Food was brought to me. I was encouraged to stand up and walk (c-section) but I was also provided with decent pain relief so I could sleep. I stayed for three days but I actually wanted to go home at that point anyway. I had 2 nurses with me first time I stood up to help me get to the bathroom, I couldn’t believe how much pain I was in initially but the staff were fantastic.

The public hospitals here are similar but less fancy basically. Pain relief during childbirth is par for course here and is automatically offered you don’t have to fight for it, women aren’t left alone to care for babies when they can barely move.

The UK treats women like animals and as you can see here there are enough women happy to excuse that shit. In my culture the tradition is that a womans family care for her for the first month after childbirth. It’s a recognition that any kind of childbirth is a massive toll on a woman and it requires some sort of recovery period. Unfortunately for me i had my MIL who for some reason expected me to cook 🙄 (like fuck was I going to do that).

Tbh I’m always furious about it maternity care in the UK I haven’t spoken to anyone who had a good experience except for one who was under consultant led care.

@Marelle

Can I ask why people are unable to get out of bed if they have a catheter in? You have a tube coming out between your legs and attached to a bag that’s fastened to the bed.

Genuine question.

Why can't you unfasten the catheter bag from the bed and carry it with you?

Yes, I have had a catheter before - it didn't mean I couldn't get out of bed.

I think part of the problem is that there is still a Puritanical approach to childbearing in the UK - ie we've had sex and it's a bit naughty and so we should suffer. Regardless of whether married or not, and despite the fact that we are ultimately animals and should be procreating (eco issues aside).

In other countries, notably France, they treat women with a lot more respect after childbirth.

Tbh I’m always furious about it maternity care in the UK I haven’t spoken to anyone who had a good experience except for one who was under consultant led care

I had a good experience up to and until just after the birth but have to say post-natal care was rather lacking. But they didn't want me to go home because I didn't have breastfeeding established. I'd probably still be there if I'd not insisted on going home!

I had my eldest ds in the mid 90's and it was an em-section. I was expected to stay in hospital for 5 days and taught how to feed, bathe, change nappies etc. I was offered help whenever i needed it. Compared to my last ds in the late 2000's it was heaven. For my last ds ( again an em-section) i was just left to it numb and unable to move. Sent home two days later and left to get on with it!

I completely agree, maternity services are so underfunded, it's ridiculous.

The best tip I had was to bring my own paracetamol and ibuprofen with me to give birth, as painkillers aren't offered regularly enough to keep on top of the pain - I was told off, but I told the staff I wouldn't be handing them over, and that I'd record for myself what I'd taken and when. I asked if they'd be making sure I got offered painkillers every 3 hours (alternating paracetamol and ibuprofen) and they admitted they couldn't do that, so I said I'd be carrying on self-medicating.

My point was that women are supposed to be grateful for any old shit chucked their way when it comes to childbirth. Other public health systems manage it better but it just seems so many midwives in the UK also treat women with such disdain it makes me feel quite queasy thinking about it. I think the fact that many other countries still see pregnancy and childbirth as doctor led may make a difference as well.

10 days after an emergency c section I had my gallbladder removed. I don't think I properly recovered from all that for 3 years. But my DD was in SCBU and before I could take her home (1 week post gall bladder removal) I had to spend the night in a room in SCBU and care for her myself. I did the minimum and expected no or little sleep but I did it and got home. I can remember going to the GPs on the bus with baby (lift on lift off in those days) and she was only 4lb thank god, and getting to the surgery for wound checking and the nurse couldn't figure out why I had so many wounds for a c section (I had issues with the c section scar but not the GB) until I filled her in, she put me down for home visits after that lol. We had also switched hospitals between Wolverhampton and Warwick, I had come out of Wolverhampton when DD was transferred back to Warwick and 5 days later was in Warwick waiting for the GB surgery and Matron of medical ward came over and gave me an ear bashing for disappearing off during the day, again hadn't bothered working out why - I was visiting SCBU to feed and care for baby. Lets not even get onto pumping in a mixed medical ward...that was fun when the nurse decided she was going to berate me for all the noise I was making at night (the pump) and whipped my curtains open, she got short shrift as well. So all in all crap care and consideration and certainly no reading of notes or decent handovers.