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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed DH is going on a stag weekend to Amsterdam?

926 replies

JinglyJangly · 10/12/2007 18:57

DH is going on a stag weekend after Christmas to Amsterdam and too be honest, I am not too happy about it. I have heard what really goes on and why men go there, i.e. sex shops, brothels, live sex shows etc.

The blokes he is going with are a bunch of knobs. I have heard the majority of them frequent these types of places (only from what DH has said).

DH went on a stag weekend to Edinburgh a few years back and the guy who's stag party it was, was well up for visiting a brothel and guess what? he is going on the stag weekend to Amsterdam .

AIBU to be annoyed about him going? I am feeling a bit down in the dumps today and keep thinking all sorts about what they will get up too.

Whatever happened to guys going for a few beers at the local? It seems the norm for stag weekends to be held abroad nowadays. WHY is that?

OP posts:
SueBaRoomForAMincePie · 11/12/2007 15:57

I'd say no, but tbh, dh wouldn't want to go anyway. A colleague had a stag do at a Birmingham lap-dancing club, and he politely declined. It's not where he wants his mind going, so my discomfort with it happens to gel with his, which I'm quite glad about.

Original poster
JinglyJangly · 11/12/2007 16:14

Sue - exactly what I mean. There are lots of men that would politely decline the offer of a stag w/end, especially to Amsterdam and I think the reason are a) they would rather be at home with you and the kids b) they don't want to be presurised into going to some sleazy live sex show/lap bar/brothel, etc which inevitably will happen. And c) It's just not their cup of tea, and that's what worries me that there are a very high % of men that are really "up for it".

As for the trust issue, I don't trust my DH's dick head friends and KNOW they will get him pissed & drag him to these sleazy places. DH can't handle his booze & is easily influenced by others.

OP posts:
Oblomov · 11/12/2007 16:22

"easily influnced", to cheat ?
Right. Looks like your gonna need a bit more than luck, in your marraige.

harleyd · 11/12/2007 16:25

easily influenced by others
what to cheat
lol, you dont stand a chance then, really , do you
unless you keep him by your side 24/7

PortAndLemonaid · 11/12/2007 16:37

I don't think the OP has a general problem with a stag weekend reading between the lines.

But in the OP we've already established that this particular group of friends wanted to visit a brothel at a previous stag weekend in Edinburgh. Which is precisely why I don't see why Amsterdam is an issue. Surely it's the group of friends who are the issue?

Actually, an OP saying "DH has been invited on a stag weekend with a bunch of prats whose idea of a good time on one of these weekends is to visit brothels and sleep with prostitutes. I'm not happy about his being in that environment, AIBU?" I'd have a lot of sympathy with. But yet somehow it turns into his going to Amsterdam or Prague that's the problem factor.

Could anyone seriously type "Trust goes out the window when they go to Edinburgh." without appreciating the ridiculousness of it?

many of you say you know your DH's did not/would not visit a brothel, and how you trust your men 100%. How do you know what your men get up to when they are away?

"My man" [slightly vomity emoticon] is away all the bloody time (or very nearly) (in Edinburgh this week, funnily enough). If I couldn't trust him to behave himself when he's away then there wouldn't be much point in the relationship, TBH.

But apparently because contentiouscat once met someone at a Christmas party who was unaware that her husband was shagging a secretary I should be forcing him to be tested for STIs whenever he gets back, or else I'm naive and impractical (oh, and a loony. Nearly forgot that one)? Riiiiiiiiight ...

Mind you, I do rather like the idea of solemnly telling him that while intoning "Trust goes out the window when you go to Edinburgh." I shall have to practice trying to keep a straight face.

Meeely2 · 11/12/2007 16:38

my dh went to amsterdam on HIS stag do - i was fine with it. No he didn't cheat, yes he did smoke pot and god knows what else, he got very drunk and was very poorly when he came home. We got married 3 weeks later, we have 2 kids, have had our ups and downs, and yes he would be allowed to go again (went to pargue earlier this year).

Meeely2 · 11/12/2007 16:40

PRAGUE even!

Most of his mates were single and yes they did visit places of ill repute, no harm in window shopping, just like there is no harm in reading Nuts and Zoo. I trust DH, if i didn't i wouldn't have married him.

Original poster
JinglyJangly · 11/12/2007 16:45

Well ladies you are far more trusting than I could ever be.

Is it a case of you really do trust your men 100% or you just don't want to believe for one minute your men are even capable of visiting the sex places mentioned?

OP posts:
Meeely2 · 11/12/2007 16:48

i trust dh 100% but i also know he would visit, cos deep down he just a little boy who wants to have a LOOK! He is 100% open with me, we laugh about what hes seen and what his mates get up to (GOD this sounds like he does it every weekend!) He's been ONCE OK!

purpleduck · 11/12/2007 16:51

Haven't read the whole thread (its 7 pages!!!) But has anyone mentioned how lame the live "shows" are? We went to one when i went to Amsterdam - very staged, silly, not one bit sexy or erotic. Funnily enough, dh went to the same show years later - they were still doing the same thing - gorlilla banana thingy lol!!! They are nothing to worry about!

Original poster
JinglyJangly · 11/12/2007 16:53

Meely - your DH has been to what once? live show? brothel?

OP posts:
harleyd · 11/12/2007 16:53

well, mine has been before
and you know what, i dont care if he goes again

if he is going to cheat, he could as easily do it in belfast as prague/amsterdam/wherever
i wouldnt know either way. and i wouldnt beat myself up worrying if he was going to or not.

i dont own him, he doesnt own me so why should we be allowed to tell eachother no you arent allowed to go
ffs we arent 12

MotherFunk · 11/12/2007 16:55

Message withdrawn

Oblomov · 11/12/2007 17:00

Yes I do trust dh 100% not to cheat on me.
And it has to be 100%. 46% does not = trust.
I do not care if he went to a lap dancing club. I do care if he cheats on me.
And I feel secure, thinking that he wouldn't.

Ds(3.10) said that teh boys at nursey push and snatch. I said what th other boys did was not important.
You know that its nice to punch and snatch. Yes he said.A 4 yr old knows that just becasue someone else does something, doesn't mean you have to.

A 4 YR OLD KNOWS THIS - BUT YOUR DH DOESN'T ?

I don't give a do-do what anyone else on a stag do does. Dh has been on stags in the last 20 yrs when his friends got up to all sorts. But he is a big enough man, not to follow the crowd, if he doesn't want to.

Maybe your dh should grow a spine.
And if you can't trust, th4en leave yor marraige. Whats the point of a marraige withour trust?

Original poster
JinglyJangly · 11/12/2007 17:04

FWIW (I know this is obvious from my posts) I don't think married men should go to places like Amsterdam or Prague on stag w'ends. Its maybe the thing to do for single guys but certainly not appropriate for married men. You have to question WHY would they want to go?

Yes they can cheat anywhere in the world as so many of you have pointed out but come on, we know damn well why blokes go to the mentioned places.

OP posts:
SpaceHopperHayls · 11/12/2007 17:05

Good grief.

I went on a hen party with some friends from uni when we had just found out I was pregnant. Bloke, plus male uni friends including BF of on of my closest friends decided to arrange an alternative weekend, as they weren't close enough to the groom to be invited on the 'official' stag party.

They went to Brno, which is apparently just like Prague, but less commercial and therefore cheaper, and spent the entire weekend getting drunk, playing pool, and frequenting bars where ladies take their clothes off...

It didn't once occur to me to say 'no' - he's 31 years old, and married to me, if he wants a weekend away with his friends then it's up to him. I know what my reaction would have been if he'd tried to stop me going to the hen party. As it was, he had a great time, and rang me many times throughout the weekend to tell me what a good time he was having. I know that I'm lucky that he is my best mate, so his first reaction when he sees a dancer with her tits out is to call me up and tell me how excited he is. I would much prefer this to him having to be ashamed of what he is doing, and try an dkeep a secret because he is scared of rocking the boat and causing trouble.

The issue here doesn't seem to be Amsterdam, or even the group of friends, but the actual relationship. Trust shouldn't be affected by geography.

MotherFunk · 11/12/2007 17:07

Message withdrawn

PortAndLemonaid · 11/12/2007 17:08

Because their friend is having a stag do and that's where he wants to go?

PortAndLemonaid · 11/12/2007 17:10

Should married men go to places like Edinburgh on stag weekends?

MotherFunk · 11/12/2007 17:12

Message withdrawn

POOKAingwenceslaslookedout · 11/12/2007 17:13

Maybe they're keen to visit the Rijksmuseum. Or Anne Frank's House? Can married men not do that?
Now being tongue in cheek, because from the tone of your posts I don't expect that they're that keen on lapping up the more wonderful side of Amsterdam.
But, seriously, I do trust my dh and I would "let" him go Amsterdam or Prague, safe in the knowledge that he would not sleep with a prostitute regardless of what his friends did.
TBH I think he'd spend most of his time in a coffee shop. With which I would have no problem.
The whole idea of banning cities or areas or telling anyone what they can or can't do is rather worrying to me - I get the sense that you don't trust your dh, and in which case, why are you with him?

Original poster
JinglyJangly · 11/12/2007 17:14

I know men get up to similar in places like Edinburgh or anywhere else for that matter. BUT they are more likely to get up to IT in the places mentioned as everyone knows these places are renowned for IT.

OP posts:
PortAndLemonaid · 11/12/2007 17:15

[from OP] "DH went on a stag weekend to Edinburgh a few years back and the guy who's stag party it was, was well up for visiting a brothel and guess what? he is going on the stag weekend to Amsterdam ."

So this group of friends are (demonstrably) "up for" visiting brothels in Edinburgh, and also (allegedly) "up for" visiting brothels in Amsterdam.

I don't see why, therefore, it's "places like Amsterdam" that should be verboten to all married men attending stag dos and not "places like Edinburgh".

PortAndLemonaid · 11/12/2007 17:17

i.e. it's the people who are the problem (or not), rather than the places the people go.

cestlavie · 11/12/2007 17:17

Oh good grief

"You have to question why they would want to go?"

Why would want a guy want to go away with a group of friends to drink cheap beer, go clubbing in new places, play pool in the afternoon, sleep in til 11 in the morning, get caned, act like kids, watch sport til their heads spin, have a laugh with their best mates and yes, quite possibly watch some women take their clothes off on stage. I've got absolutely no idea. Really. None at all. Has anyone got any ideas?

"It's not appropriate for married men..."

Absolutely. It's not appropriate. They should be at home with their wife and children. The wife should be dutifully ironing his shirt for work the next day whilst the children quietly read books, occasionally asking their father to look up from his newspaper and assist them with a tricky word.