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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed DH is going on a stag weekend to Amsterdam?

926 replies

JinglyJangly · 10/12/2007 18:57

DH is going on a stag weekend after Christmas to Amsterdam and too be honest, I am not too happy about it. I have heard what really goes on and why men go there, i.e. sex shops, brothels, live sex shows etc.

The blokes he is going with are a bunch of knobs. I have heard the majority of them frequent these types of places (only from what DH has said).

DH went on a stag weekend to Edinburgh a few years back and the guy who's stag party it was, was well up for visiting a brothel and guess what? he is going on the stag weekend to Amsterdam .

AIBU to be annoyed about him going? I am feeling a bit down in the dumps today and keep thinking all sorts about what they will get up too.

Whatever happened to guys going for a few beers at the local? It seems the norm for stag weekends to be held abroad nowadays. WHY is that?

OP posts:
Elizabetth · 11/12/2007 22:49

Madamez appears to be arguing that men will go off and shag in Amsterdam and that women shouldn't stop them if they are that way inclined. I would agree - a man that does that should stop lying to his wife about how t it was the other guys who went to the brothel and be honest about what he did and his lack of commitment to monogamy. Then his wife can choose whether to dump him or not.

"so because there are prostitutes in existance means all men should be treated with contempt??? Just because some men will visit a prostitute, all men are bad??? What twaddle"

Men who go on stag weekends to Amsterdam do not equal all men. I know loads of men who have never done such a thing.

I just find it odd that when prostitution is such a degrading, soul-destroying and exploitative business it should be men you are worrying about minorityrules. Seems like a slightly skew-whiff set of values.

StarofBethleCam · 11/12/2007 22:49

Noddy I have been working and involved in dd's school-life and other activities (that's like a full-time job all by itself}

She boards 2 nights a week now so there's a breathing space but still don't have much spare time

unknownrebelbang · 11/12/2007 22:49

Should I be grateful that DH's mates tend to book stag do's in the warmer climes of Nice and Majorca? . His colleagues always book a night/weekend away because tbh they're likely to hit trouble if they have a do locally.

DH and myself both have weekends away, (only he manages to get abroad but I'm working on that one). We don't not care about each other, but we do both trust each other.

He also (allegedly) works overnight a lot, and occasionally away - shock, horror - with women sometimes. Should I stop him working too?

And yes I do know he wouldn't go anywhere near a prostitute - he's seen too many at close quarters to bother when he's out enjoying himself.

jetson · 11/12/2007 22:49

My DH went on a stag do to Amsterdam, before I knew him. He said some lads went off with hookers, some just sat in pubs and got drunk and stoned and some wandered around the shops buying presents for their wife and kids back home so it totally depends what type of bloke your DH is. And if he's the type who'd do appalling stuff in Amsterdam he'd probably do it in the UK too.

noddyholder · 11/12/2007 22:50

I am rude and unhelpful at times but dp lets me so what can I do?

TenLordsaLapin · 11/12/2007 22:51

Oh yawn, the "lots of people disagree with me, ergo I am being bullied" post

StarofBethleCam · 11/12/2007 22:52

I let dh take out the rubbish but I'm not sure he's really committed to it

peacelily · 11/12/2007 22:53

You've asked a question am I being unreasonable? I.e asking for opinions which in turn usually generates discussion of similar themes.

then when you don't get the response you want from a really diverse range of individuals you're rude in a really personally unneccessary way! then you turn round and say "you're bullying me!"

You've called us deluded and unstable and now you're making out you've been bullied! And been disrespectful about the way soemone phrases and interprets things

Unbelievable.

noddyholder · 11/12/2007 22:53

Two glasses of wine at lunchtime and look at me! Goodnight

Elizabetth · 11/12/2007 22:54

Did you see the names jinglejangle got called first, peacelily?

StarofBethleCam · 11/12/2007 22:54

Unbelievable

DeathBySnooSnoo · 11/12/2007 22:55

PMSL@cam's rubbish post

binklebells · 11/12/2007 22:57

Some men cheat a lot
Some men never cheat
Sometimes usually faithful men cheat
Sometimes usually unfaithful men stay faithful

All the above applies to women to of course, who knows what is around the corner? Nobody can predict 100% another persons actions but trust is the bonds we pad our relationships with so we can get on with life without living in constant dread of what might happen in a relationship.

Without trust you aint got nuffink
What you do appear to have JJ, is an inferiority complex (manifesting itself in insulting other posters and assuming your dh has the will power of a tom cat when with his friends as he obviously places no value on his relationship with you - is that what you believe?) which unfortunately will colour your thoughts regarding the validity of your relationship.

peacelily · 11/12/2007 22:58

If she got called names first then yes that is unacceptable. My first direct response to her was stating I felt she'd insulted me by implying myself and my dh were not manogomous because he's been to a lap dancing club.

Saying someone is being rude isn't name calling.

StarofBethleCam · 11/12/2007 22:59

Lap dancing clubs are sordid

DeathBySnooSnoo · 11/12/2007 23:05

having read the whole threadi only saw one post in which JJ insulted another poster.that poster,otoh,had insulted JJ in many previous posts.

Elizabetth · 11/12/2007 23:26

"I felt she'd insulted me by implying myself and my dh were not manogomous because he's been to a lap dancing club."

Wasn't it me who talked about that? I don't know how you can tolerate your dh having paid a naked women to gyrate on his lap in order for him to get an erection. It's kind of nasty.

I don't know if that means you aren't monogamous, but I"d have thought getting direct sexual stimulation from a person other than your spouse certainly jeopardises it.

Becthetinselneck · 11/12/2007 23:35

Peacelily hasn't actually said that anyone lapdanced for her DH - only that he has been in a lapdancing club.

By JinglyJangly on Tue 11-Dec-07 19:21:06
peacelily - I suspect you are not in a monogamous relationship?

If you are happy this way then it's fine but I am not.

That is the comment peacelily objected to.

Elizabetth · 11/12/2007 23:36

My mistake, thanks for clearing it up Bechetinselneck.

peacelily · 11/12/2007 23:42

He was on his stag do with a big gorup of mates and yes they went to the club because they'd drunkenly decided it would be amusing. his mates then decided to pay for a dance for him because they knew he'd find it really cringeworthy.

He did, he was extremely embabrrased and didn't get an erection. I know his mates, I know they did it to embabarrass him and it worked.

the fact he and they are so openabout it in front of me it proof that it was what is was meant to be, a way of making him cringe in horror! I know this, I'm not a fool or deluded. Before I got together with dh we were close friends for 5 years so i know this is typical for him and his friends, it doesn't bother me.

That's the context off to bed now good night

madamez · 11/12/2007 23:49

DeathbySNooSnoo: because monogamy is something you're either inclined to, or not. Just like being gay or straight.

QuintessentialShadowOfSnowball · 11/12/2007 23:58

I agree with Madamez, if he is of the monogamous (gosh I cant even spell it) kind, you have nothing to worry about.

I have been to Amsterdam. The Redlight district was a funny little place, and little it was, you barely managed to sneeze before you were out of it. It didnt seem any worse than SoHo to be honest. And I know SoHo pretty well, I used to work next to Stringfellows

I think in regards to stag weekends in Amsterdam, it is a concept more than an actual desire to hook up with a hooker. It sounds cool. It sounds damned sleazy, because that is what it is meant to be, a proper fanfare, a testimony to a misspent youth before marriage. A "I am leaving all this behind" kind of thing. It is MEANT to be temptation, you are proving your mettle before your commitment, you are showing to the world that I can see gyrating legs and tits stuck up my face, and I am looking but nothign more. If you do more, you have failed the first initiation into proper manhood.

And it is a chance for the married men amongst them to guide them man through this process, ensure that he is taken on this journey of drink, the potential of sex in abundance, and come through it on the other side, hung over but with a clear conscience.

But that is just my opinion.....

madamez · 12/12/2007 00:00

Elizabetth: that's a little bit of a misreading of my post. Some men are monogamous, some are not. Same with women. If monogamy is important to you, you should seek out a partner for whom it is equally important, not try to coerce someone who is not monogamous into being monogamous - you would be onto as much of a loser as if you tried to form a heterosexual relationship with someone who is not heterosexual because you insisted that heterosexuality is 'normal/better' and you can 'love' them enough to make them change.

Oh, and just for clarity, I am using 'you' as a generic term to mean 'one' or 'any hypothetical individual' not 'you, Elizabetth' as I know nothing about your personal relationships and am not making any comment on them.

expatinscotland · 12/12/2007 00:02

how did i miss all this?

FWIW, i really don't get these stag 'weekends'.

i mean, WTF, what's wrong with a piss up in the local?

Elizabetth · 12/12/2007 00:06

How can someone coerce someone into being monogamous when the so-called coerced person is lying? That's just a bizarre way of looking at things.

All those men that people here know were shagging around were all also lying to their female partners. It seems that the only coercion, if you can call it that, is by the non-monogamous person making their monogamous partner take part in an open relationship without their knowledge.

I mean why take marriage vows or pretend to be in a monogamous relationship when you're going to go on shag weekends to York, spend the weekend in a brothel or pick up prostitutes in Amsterdam?

What form do you think this "coercion" takes, madamez?

And another question, how does a woman know if her male partner is monogamous if he's inclined to lie about it?