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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed DH is going on a stag weekend to Amsterdam?

926 replies

JinglyJangly · 10/12/2007 18:57

DH is going on a stag weekend after Christmas to Amsterdam and too be honest, I am not too happy about it. I have heard what really goes on and why men go there, i.e. sex shops, brothels, live sex shows etc.

The blokes he is going with are a bunch of knobs. I have heard the majority of them frequent these types of places (only from what DH has said).

DH went on a stag weekend to Edinburgh a few years back and the guy who's stag party it was, was well up for visiting a brothel and guess what? he is going on the stag weekend to Amsterdam .

AIBU to be annoyed about him going? I am feeling a bit down in the dumps today and keep thinking all sorts about what they will get up too.

Whatever happened to guys going for a few beers at the local? It seems the norm for stag weekends to be held abroad nowadays. WHY is that?

OP posts:
tribpot · 11/12/2007 20:01

I think a discussion on whether prostitution, legal or not, is exploitative is perfectly valid and reasonable. I share other posters' concerns, based on what I've been told by friends, that prostitutes in Holland are just as much forced into it as prostitutes in other countries. Let's face it, no-one (except Julia Robers in Pretty Woman) imagines this is their dream job.

Can we divorce this from three other issues? They are:

  • is Amsterdam a den for all vice and virtually no person can go there without spliffing up/shagging a prostitute/wearing clogs (I like to be inclusive in the stereotyping!)
  • should JinglyJangly be more perturbed at her dh wanting to go to stag do there than, say, Blackpool or Brighton
  • are stag and hen do's getting excessive
SueBaRoomForAMincePie · 11/12/2007 20:01

I'll be honest, it wouldn't be actually having sex that would bother me, it'd be all the lairy lap-dancing stuff. But I'm happy to be known as a fuddy-duddy

HowTheGibbonStoleChristmas · 11/12/2007 20:01

'Without respect and boundaries'

Are you training a puppy?

POOKAingwenceslaslookedout · 11/12/2007 20:04

You forgot cheese and tulips, Tibpot.
Personally I agree that the whole hen/stag thing has become ridiculous. I didn't have a hen do and dh didn't have a stag do because we didn't have a trad wedding, and have known each otehr for such a long time that our friends are our friends IYSWIM regardless of being male/female.

POOKAingwenceslaslookedout · 11/12/2007 20:05

And canals.

Elizabetth · 11/12/2007 20:05

Do you know what's entertaining, JinglyJangly was talking about herself, but half the people here decided to take this personally and talk about how wonderful they are for trusting their husbands right down to being pleased that they go to lap-dancing and strip clubs.

You're doing it too, POOK, setting yourself up as some kind of example for people to follow as if trust was the only issue here. Why does JInglyJangly talking about an issue in her relationship threaten people so much that they have to immediately counter it with how great things are with their incredibly trustworthy husbands?

I dunno, I changed my mind about this sort of thing when we were having a discussion with the blokes at my work and about five out of seven of the ones in the office said that they'd be happy to have sex with someone else behind their female partners back if they knew she wouldn't find out. One of them actually regularly went on shag-weekends to York with the boys. His wife of twenty years didn't have a clue and he didn't even see he was doing something wrong. It was quite an eye-opener. I think one of the main factors of unfaithfulness is opportunity.

StarofBethleCam · 11/12/2007 20:07

I've done Amsterdam dozens of different ways over the decades, as a single, as a couple, as a mother, for fun, for the art, for visiting Dutch friends,

As an all male stag outing?

There's only one way, forget it, anyone who thinks other wise is being naive

POOKAingwenceslaslookedout · 11/12/2007 20:08

I suppose because when JJ originally posted she was asking whether she was being unreasonable to be annoyed that her dh was going on a stag weekend to Amsterdam.
Many people suggested that she was. Many people suggested that she wasn't.
Most people who suggested that she was, felt that the underlying problem here is not so much her husband going to Amsterdam, as her not trusting him, him not being trustworthy.
JJ (and you) then countering that those who felt she was BU, were, essentially being dumb/simpering for trusting their husbands, was what made me cross.

Original poster
JinglyJangly · 11/12/2007 20:08

As has previously been said, a trip to Amsterdam does not in some way oblige the visitor to go to a brothel. It could just be because flights are cheap and frequent, hotels are accommodating to groups on men, the coffee shops are welcoming, and partly also because there is not such a huge language barrier.

Yeah but drinks are extortinate in Holland .

OP posts:
Original poster
JinglyJangly · 11/12/2007 20:09

"As has previously been said, a trip to Amsterdam does not in some way oblige the visitor to go to a brothel. It could just be because flights are cheap and frequent, hotels are accommodating to groups on men, the coffee shops are welcoming, and partly also because there is not such a huge language barrier".

Yeah but drinks are extortinate in Holland .

OP posts:
Oblomov · 11/12/2007 20:10

Elizabeth, my advice was not rubbish. My advice, and many other posters was for the OP to address the real/underlying issues.

Oblomov · 11/12/2007 20:12

JJ do you trust your dh. Please just answer that particular question.

peacelily · 11/12/2007 20:13

I believe over zealous boundaries have the opposite effect, instead of containing behaviour they repress it and essentially rip a relationship apart.

I too was sympathetic to JJs predicament and wanted to consider it in as balanced a way as I could.

However she's insulted me and other posters due to calling us naive, mad and "simpering", so yes I WILl reply in equally as emotive a fashion!

It's extremely rude to accuse me of having a non manogomous relationship because my dh goes on stag dos' that sometimes involve lap-dancing clubs!

POOKAingwenceslaslookedout · 11/12/2007 20:14

And much as a discussion about exploitation and sex working is interesting and informative (and however much I agree with points made about the subject of sex slavery and so on), the fundamental question was whether JJ was unreasonable to be annoyed about her dh.
I don't think that she is BU to be annoyed, since she so obviously does not and cannot trust her husband, she probably has an idea of what he will do. BUT I do think that posting to say that those who would be happy to "let" their husbands go (because in my case for example they know that their husbands would not be unfaithful and would instead get stoned/drunk without sleeping with prostitiutes) are stupid is unfair and unreasonable.

StarofBethleCam · 11/12/2007 20:14

I'd divorce my dh if he ever went to a lap dancing club

PortAndLemonaid · 11/12/2007 20:15

Well, given that Jingly entertainingly suggested that men only go to Amsterdam on stag dos for the sex, it seems worth other posters mentioning that in their experience that isn't the case.

And when they were told that if they thought that then they were being loonies, very naive at best, clearly not realists and impractical some of them entertainingly decided to take that personally, yes. My word, how strange.

I look forward to your popping up on all other MN threads where people offer personal experiences to point out that only comments exclusively about the OP in person are relevant, though. Now that would be entertaining...

bossykate · 11/12/2007 20:16

elizabethh, i agree with your post of 20:05 - whether other mnetters trust their dhs or not is entirely beside the point here.

oxocube · 11/12/2007 20:17

I agree with Cote D'Azure. I live in Holland, about 20 kms from Amsterdam. Your DP will probably do exactly as she says - a bit of cannabis, quite a few beers, bit of wandering through the (incredibly non-sexy IMHO) Red Light District and possibly one of the clubs where girls dance naked on stage. Then more beers and guys' bravado and crash out in a hotel room.

Not sure if this helps, but I wouldn't be worried

HowTheGibbonStoleChristmas · 11/12/2007 20:18

pmsl port

StarofBethleCam · 11/12/2007 20:20

My dh would be horrified if I went to watch some naked men cavorting about on stage

Original poster
JinglyJangly · 11/12/2007 20:22

PortAndLemonaid- YOU REALLY DO NEED A PortAndLemonaid .

OP posts:
Oblomov · 11/12/2007 20:22

bossykate I am astonished at your comment, having enjoyed your posts on other threads.
I think that the matter of trust Is the main issue here.
The fact there is a stag do and in which country, is not the issue.
JJ does not trust her husband.
Do you still think that trust is not the issue here ?

StarofBethleCam · 11/12/2007 20:23

dog
bone

PortAndLemonaid · 11/12/2007 20:25

Quite possibly, but not for another 113 days or so. [fgin] [fportandlemonaid] [fgenerallylookingwistfullyinthedirectionofthedrinkscupboard]

JinglyJangly · 11/12/2007 20:26

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