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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed DH is going on a stag weekend to Amsterdam?

926 replies

JinglyJangly · 10/12/2007 18:57

DH is going on a stag weekend after Christmas to Amsterdam and too be honest, I am not too happy about it. I have heard what really goes on and why men go there, i.e. sex shops, brothels, live sex shows etc.

The blokes he is going with are a bunch of knobs. I have heard the majority of them frequent these types of places (only from what DH has said).

DH went on a stag weekend to Edinburgh a few years back and the guy who's stag party it was, was well up for visiting a brothel and guess what? he is going on the stag weekend to Amsterdam .

AIBU to be annoyed about him going? I am feeling a bit down in the dumps today and keep thinking all sorts about what they will get up too.

Whatever happened to guys going for a few beers at the local? It seems the norm for stag weekends to be held abroad nowadays. WHY is that?

OP posts:
StarofBethleCam · 11/12/2007 19:39

JInglyJangly I agree with you completely.

And for the record I do trust my dh totally but that is not the point.

Original poster
JinglyJangly · 11/12/2007 19:41

Oblomov - you are getting on my nerves BIG time. Are you a 17 yo boy by any chance?

Elizabeth - totally agree.

OP posts:
Oblomov · 11/12/2007 19:41

Elizabeth, I do not consider myself naieve or stupid. I do not think my dh has lied to me. I do think he has been faithful to me. Is that beyond your comprehension.
He has been on stag weekends before and since we met.
Lots of drinking. he was not unfaithful.
Do you not beleive me. Do you think I am naieve to think this ?

Elizabetth · 11/12/2007 19:41

Who do people here think is using all the prostituted women in Amsterdam? Do you really think it's just a couple of single blokes visiting from the country that are creating this demand?

The prostitution industry in Amsterdam is driven by tourism partly men on lads weekends in from the UK. One in ten men in the UK has paid for sex. That's quite a lot of husbands.

HowTheGibbonStoleChristmas · 11/12/2007 19:44

I was torn in my reactions....have decided though, pity for those who are in a relationship with no trust, wins - hands down infact.

Without trust you have NO RELATIONSHIP

CoteDAzur · 11/12/2007 19:44

"My DH get's drunk rather quickly & is easily influenced by others."

So, you don't trust him not to sleep around.

As others said, the problem is not Amsterdam. It is your belief that your Dh is immature and irresponsible, and therefore prone to sleeping around if given the temptation.

If you don't 'let him' go to Amsterdam, it might give you peace of mind in the short term, this particular crisis averted, but... are you just going to try and keep him away from temptation? Is there no other way?

Oblomov · 11/12/2007 19:44

Jingly Jangly the feeling is mutual.

Scottish mummy. Re-read my posts. I started off sympathetic, but the woman is in denial and then started telling us that we were in denial for trusting our dh's and thinking they had not cheated on us.

I lost my rag. Yeah big time.
She is well offensive.
and she in incapable of taking on ANY advice from any of the posters who advise her to look at the issue of trust in her relationship.

Original poster
JinglyJangly · 11/12/2007 19:44

AND most of them are married.

OP posts:
PortAndLemonaid · 11/12/2007 19:45

Nine in ten men in the UK haven't. That's also quite a lot of husbands. Possibly even more than one in ten. But as I'm a naive impractical and unrealistic loony I'm not sure I can manage the relevant sums in between bouts of simpering.

Elizabetth · 11/12/2007 19:46

That's because your advice is rubbish Oblomov.

peacelily · 11/12/2007 19:46

As I said before it's the 21st century strippers, lap dancing clubs etc. exist to entertain people, men and women.

I DO find it narrow minded and controlling that a friend of mine swears blind that herhusband cannot look at any set of tits apart from hers (her words not mine). It's like she expects him to walk around with a blindfold on. And if such insecurity after 13 years of being together, well what a shit life.

I 100% trust my dh not to trust on me, I've said on a previous thread that i wouldn't have been bothered if people turned up to mu wedding in bikinis. This is honestly how I feel.

I wouldn't have trusted certain exs but that's why they are ex not current.

AND when it doen't hurt or harm anyone what's wrong with lads being lads sometimes. I've got loads of male friends and collegues. They do engage in "laddish" behaviour but that doesn't involve sleeping with prostitutes.

PuppyDogTails · 11/12/2007 19:48

I assume you mean "not to cheat on me" peacelily!

peacelily · 11/12/2007 19:49

Yes apologies typing in a frenzy!

Elizabetth · 11/12/2007 19:49

Heh, 21st century sexual exploitation. How very modern of these guys.

PAL I bet if you took a survey of men who'd been on stag weekends to Amsterdam the percentage of men who'd paid for sex would be much higher.

Becthetinselneck · 11/12/2007 19:52

I have to say that until someone gives me a reason not to trust them then I would give them the benefit of the doubt. If the OP's DH has already been unfaithful then I don't blame her for not trusting him - I'd also wonder why she hadn't thrown his sorry arse out the house.

If he hasn't been unfaithful then to think that he will be just because all his mates intend to visit brothels is crazy. Doesn't he have any self control, a brain to think for himself, the balls not to follow the crowd?

I have major trust issues (am not in a relationship and don't want to be for those reasons) and tend to think if someone's going to be unfaithful then they will be and there's not a damn thing you can do to stop it apart from choosing your partner more carefully.

And, while I'm here, it sounds like you don't trust men at all as all the posters who trust their partners are naive according to you. This is insulting to the posters and to their partners. Yeah, some men can't be trusted and unluckily for you you happen to be married to one of them. No wonder you're so suspicious of stable, loyal and respectful relationships.

lizandlulu · 11/12/2007 19:53

the be all and end all, is why encourage a man to put themselves in a situation where there MAY be a SLIGHT chance of being unfaithfull.
or not even encorage him, but surely if jinglyjangly doesnt want her dh to go, then she is perfectly entitled to voice her concerns.
surely the trust issue can be talked about and worked upon over time, and if he did go on this trip (although i have read that he isnt going now antway) it would make the relationship move backwards not forwards.

HowTheGibbonStoleChristmas · 11/12/2007 19:54

Excellent post Bec

pinetreedog · 11/12/2007 19:56

yes, agree with bec

Original poster
JinglyJangly · 11/12/2007 19:56

peacelily - I have no objection to DH looking at other women and I know he likes big breasted women - he always has a look when he sees women with big boobs. FGS he is only human & I am not stupid enough to think he only looks at me .

Going to Amsterdam is a bit different don't ya think?.

OP posts:
Elizabetth · 11/12/2007 19:56

"Without trust you have NO RELATIONSHIP"

Without respect and boundaries you don't have one either.

Stag weekends to Amsterdam are extremely disrespectful to female partners and women in general.

peacelily · 11/12/2007 19:57

Not if you trust him, then no I don't see it as so different I'm afraid.

POOKAingwenceslaslookedout · 11/12/2007 19:57

I am saddened that there seems to be this assumption that men, when a drink is inside them and they are in male company, are ofcourse going to want to f**k a prostitute.

I mean, how degrading is that? The belief that they have no self-control, no ability to remain faithful. Lads will be lads. That's waht they do. That old crock.

I can assure you, without any doubt, that my husband and most of my friends would not sleep with a prostitute. Can think of 2 out of many people we know who might, and funnily enough, they are not great friends (and they are both single, probably for a reason).

But despite my assuring you of my complete trust, you won't believe that will you? You will just say I am simpering. Deluded. Kidding myself. And so on.

That is bloody insulting and it makes me so cross. The problem here is your husband. Not the fact that he's going to Amsterdam (went there with my mother, by the way, and it's a lovely place). Not the fact that Amsterdam has legalised prostitution. But the fact that you cannot trust your husband.

And so even though you've made me cross, I feel sorry for you, because that's no way to live.

StarofBethleCam · 11/12/2007 19:58

My dh wouldn't like me going on an all-girls trip to Amsterdam

lizandlulu · 11/12/2007 19:58

i agree with elizabetth, these things are fine for single lads who have no one at home, but for women with partners/husbands, and children to think of, it is a diffrent matter.

POOKAingwenceslaslookedout · 11/12/2007 20:01

Stag weekends to Amsterdam may only be disrespectful to women IF IF IF they include a trip to a brothel. And who is to say that ALL stag weekends are like that? I've been on two that involved no brothel sex (am a woman by the way)
As has previously been said, a trip to Amsterdam does not in some way oblige the visitor to go to a brothel. It could just be because flights are cheap and frequent, hotels are accommodating to groups on men, the coffee shops are welcoming, and partly also because there is not such a huge language barrier.

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