To wonder if Mumsnet is full of men who are a waste of space

[DownToTheSeaAgain]

...or most men are a waste of space so Mumsnet just reflects the real world.

Yes, it's not your fault that you can't find a suitable partner, it's that half of the global population are objectively "a waste of space".
Literally no woman in existence has ever been in a contented relationship with a man.

Mn doesn’t take kindly to “bragging” or just the general thought of somebody being happy in life.

Really good point. Look at the posts about newborns if someone dare say they're not sleep deprived. Along comes loads of posts telling them about sleep regression, it might all go downhill when their baby is a toddler/child/teen .

This thread is bonkers!

So, all men are useless, even if we come here and point out our men arent useless, we're clearly just brainwashed to believe this. And if we do have a man who is good, we should be checking up on their internet usage, because they're probably not good??

Did I get that right?

My DH is amazing, for the record. Not perfect, no human being ever is. But I LOVE him and he LOVES me and I know we were lucky to find each other.

NAMALT, and that's the truth

My DH is amazing, for the record. Not perfect, no human being ever is. But I LOVE him and he LOVES me and I know we were lucky to find each other.

Shhhh...you're being deceived! Let the wise women tell you all about your dh. He's not who you think he is, they know him all too well because he's a man. They know all men.

I know we'll be screaming misogyny if someone dared post half of the drivel that people post on here about men. So misandry?

I think there's a fair bit of ground between utterly useless, abusive and the general 'doesn't do as much of the housework of child care or mental load' type of problems. All my friends would say the second and in many cases it only comes to light when the DC come along. I think the second type is very very common and I think we're fighting 1000s of years of evolution here. Men went out hunting and warring. Women tended fire and children in a group. Only now, women bring home the bacon too and there's no 'village' support.

Agree you can't really ask if most men are arseholes and then attack posters who answer 'no'.

I sometimes get very depressed reading the threads on MN where a woman is being abused/mistreated and posters engage in minimising and gaslighting and essentially doing the abuser's job for them.

It also upsets me to see the posts where a woman's saying, "My DH does fuck all and can't even work the washing machine hahaha" and hundreds of women post about how hilarious it is that they too live with a pathetic lazy manchild.

However. It is self-selecting, isn't it? Women aren't going to post on here about their happy relationships. But on these threads you do always see women saying, "my partner would never treat me that way" and sharing their positive experiences to give perspective.

More men than women are "like that" I think - certainly the vast majority of violence is committed by men, and all of the rape. It's also more likely that men will be lazy and not do their bit when kids are involved, because women really can't opt out in the same way. But as far as affairs and cheating are concerned, it's both sexes who do this. And women can be unreasonable, controlling and nasty, too - they tend to be more abusive towards their children than their partners, though, and keep their partners on side, whereas men will more likely abuse both their partners and children.

So I think the answer to your question, OP, is no, it's not most men. But it is a depressing number of men, enough to make a significant impact on this forum, and definitely more men than women.

Too many men grow up without a strong father/father figure and it leaves them wanting as adults.

What does NAMALT stand for please?

@IWanderedLonely

What does NAMALT stand for please?

Not all men are like that

@IWanderedLonely

What does NAMALT stand for please?

not all men are like that

True, but anathema to some on MN!

@DownToTheSeaAgain

What worries me is people posting about their totally rubbish partners apparently oblivious of their rubbish-ness.

Maybe even the 'good' ones are rubbish and we/ society have conditioned ourselves not to see it.

Like also attracts like. If your partner is useless then why have you picked that person?

Like also attracts like. If your partner is useless then why have you picked that person?

Lovely victim blaming there.

I wish there was a filter to filter out all the rubbish men posts because it makes me feel depressed!! But I'm always drawn to reading them.

@situas

Straight in with the NAMALT

Give over.

Agreed!

@User135644 of course my DH is a winner among a field of also rans. NADHAASAMDH

I don't think mumsnet reflects about 50% of my world in which my friends are either happily single or like their husbands/have good relationships (with either gender).

The other 50% is well-reflected here, mainly the fact that many women, my friends included, stay not because their husband are great partners, as they are not (the usual unfaithful, lack of attention, can't parent their own kids, haven't taken their partners out on a night out in a decade, actively suppressing their careers etc) but because economically they prefer that life, and they still want to believe in the family dream, that they chose the right man and that the family is worth being altogether. Luckily have very few friends, indeed none that I know of, in ongoingly abusive situations, more low-level crapness that I would dump their sorry asses for immediately.

So, Mumsnet partly reflects the real world in which men tend to put themselves first, but equally there are plenty of better relationships out there that are rarely reflected here.

Also don’t forget this is a forum predominantly for women. If it was men I’m guessing there would be many posts full of the things they find frustrating about their wives.

My husband’s would read ‘DW never takes the bins out even though she says she will. She also never remembers her car tax is due so I have to do it EVERY YEAR’

This is obviously completely different from the posts where it is obvious the partner is abusive/not a nice person….

@PurpleDaisies

Like also attracts like. If your partner is useless then why have you picked that person?

Lovely victim blaming there.

I'm not talking about people trapped in abusive relationships.

If your partner is useless, then why on earth is he your partner?

It’s the same with anything though, people only come online to complain no one is going to start a thread saying how great their partner is!

@Holly60

Also don’t forget this is a forum predominantly for women. If it was men I’m guessing there would be many posts full of the things they find frustrating about their wives.

My husband’s would read ‘DW never takes the bins out even though she says she will. She also never remembers her car tax is due so I have to do it EVERY YEAR’

This is obviously completely different from the posts where it is obvious the partner is abusive/not a nice person….

Because humans are flawed, not perfect and make mistakes. That's part and parcel of relationships. As you say different from abusive partners.

If someone's partner is a waste of space, then why are they even with them? It doesn't say much for them that they've chose that person.

@Libraryghost

There are some rubbish men around but there are some rubbish women around. I know plenty of women who are lazy, cheat and treat their partners like crap. Works both ways! My husband is far from perfect but then again neither am I. I wouldn't like live with me

I agree, it’s not just one sex.

If you chose a partner that won’t work, won’t do much around the house etc then surely you live with those consequences or leave.

Porn and media conditioning has fucked an entire generation of men. That's not their fault, but of course that "no fault" reality does women no good either. We're still the ones being harassed, raped, domestically abused, slaughtered, and in our own homes where we are supposed to be safe.

History clearly instructs us that nothing short of a new women's movement - and I mean a movement centred on WOMEN - will fix this.

No, I think it’s universal. EVERY one of my female peers in a heterosexual relationship with kids gets the shitty end of the stick. Without exception, they’re the ones who have to check to see whether they can go out in the evening rather than just….going, who are late or absent from planned meet-ups because their partners are back late from work, who have had to put good careers on the back burner while watching their husbands’ go from strength to strength, who are stressing over life admin into the evening while their OH relaxes.

Even the couple with the SAH dad and the mum with the high flying career still seem to have her rushing home to cook and stressing over child development, while his precious exercise time is ringfenced in a way I rarely see with SAHMs.

Wait though, there is ONE couple I know where childcare and household tasks are split and juggled equitably, so that each partner has equal opportunity to advance their career - yep, it’s the lesbians across the road.

Thing is, if EVERYONE is in a relationship somewhat like this, then that’s what becomes baseline normal, hence acceptable. What’s the point in LTB, when you’ll just end up meeting someone exactly the same? You’re better off telling yourself everything is fine, aren’t you.

@crackofdoom

No, I think it’s universal. EVERY one of my female peers in a heterosexual relationship with kids gets the shitty end of the stick. Without exception, they’re the ones who have to check to see whether they can go out in the evening rather than just….going, who are late or absent from planned meet-ups because their partners are back late from work, who have had to put good careers on the back burner while watching their husbands’ go from strength to strength, who are stressing over life admin into the evening while their OH relaxes.

Even the couple with the SAH dad and the mum with the high flying career still seem to have her rushing home to cook and stressing over child development, while his precious exercise time is ringfenced in a way I rarely see with SAHMs.

Wait though, there is ONE couple I know where childcare and household tasks are split and juggled equitably, so that each partner has equal opportunity to advance their career - yep, it’s the lesbians across the road.

Thing is, if EVERYONE is in a relationship somewhat like this, then that’s what becomes baseline normal, hence acceptable. What’s the point in LTB, when you’ll just end up meeting someone exactly the same? You’re better off telling yourself everything is fine, aren’t you.

It's the reality of having kids.

I've never found a partner who was worth the bother and I'd always thought that was my fault, because I have appalling taste in men and low expectations. But since I've been reading Mumsnet I'm not so sure.

Maybe we need a thread of examples of spontaneous kindness or consideration from happily married mumsnetters, to reassure us.