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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder if Mumsnet is full of men who are a waste of space

252 replies

DownToTheSeaAgain · 23/10/2021 12:12

...or most men are a waste of space so Mumsnet just reflects the real world.

OP posts:
BlusteryLake · 23/10/2021 15:43

I suppose people come to MN looking for advice and support in difficult situations, which is why women with useless partners are over-represented in the threads. Nobody really posts stuff like "This morning DH took the bins out as usual without me asking, he has now taken the children to the park while I do some admin. This afternoon we plan to play together as a family and this evening we're meeting friends for dinner"

23minutesfromTulseHill · 23/10/2021 16:02

most men I know are gold
Inert, relatively dense and wildly over-valued?

Keepithidden · 23/10/2021 16:05

To be fair, as a man, on Mumsnet (natch), I am a waste of space!

"Inert, relatively dense and wildly over-valued? "

This is genius though. I'm going to have to steal it!

23minutesfromTulseHill · 23/10/2021 16:11

See, @Keepithidden, a woman doing all the work and a bloke stealing the credit Grin

I'm very lucky, in that the three most important men in my life have been good'uns: father, long-ago ex and late DH. I do believe that girls who grow up with a good father tend to choose better themselves, though I accept this is a massive generalisation.

Keepithidden · 23/10/2021 16:15

It's a fair cop 23minutes. I blame my own unconscious bias and acceptance of the patriarchy. Might as well get the most out of it while it lasts!😈

More seriously though, there are an awful lot of my sex who are arseholes.

Evangeli · 23/10/2021 16:31

there is a fair amount of research confirming that at least when it comes to household duties and family responsibilities, the majority of men are indeed a waste of space. here is an a-level text on the subject:

revisesociology.com/2015/05/03/gender-equality-domestic-division-labour/amp/

So it seems that the mumsnet men are in fact a fairly accurate representation of reality.

lazylinguist · 23/10/2021 17:03

I think the statement that most of us settle for less than ideal because it is how we are conditioned by society to think that it is the desirable norm is sadly bang on.

How depressing. But I suppose it's pretty obvious there aren't enough 'ideal' ones to go around. The real question is, what proportion of women would be willing to stay single rather than be with a 'less than ideal' man? And what proportion of women knowingly settled down with a not ideal man, as opposed to finding out how not ideal he was later?

I met dh when I was 30 and had only had one (longer than a couple of dates) relationship before that, which was at university. Not for want of offers. I wanted to marry and have children, but I was never prepared to even date someone for the sake of not being single, never mind settle down with them. I married a good one. If I ever ended up single for whatever reason, I would stay that way.

MrsR87 · 23/10/2021 17:04

@crackofdoom

No, I think it’s universal. EVERY one of my female peers in a heterosexual relationship with kids gets the shitty end of the stick. Without exception, they’re the ones who have to check to see whether they can go out in the evening rather than just….going, who are late or absent from planned meet-ups because their partners are back late from work, who have had to put good careers on the back burner while watching their husbands’ go from strength to strength, who are stressing over life admin into the evening while their OH relaxes.

Even the couple with the SAH dad and the mum with the high flying career still seem to have her rushing home to cook and stressing over child development, while his precious exercise time is ringfenced in a way I rarely see with SAHMs.

Wait though, there is ONE couple I know where childcare and household tasks are split and juggled equitably, so that each partner has equal opportunity to advance their career - yep, it’s the lesbians across the road.

Thing is, if EVERYONE is in a relationship somewhat like this, then that’s what becomes baseline normal, hence acceptable. What’s the point in LTB, when you’ll just end up meeting someone exactly the same? You’re better off telling yourself everything is fine, aren’t you.

Well I firmly believe that NAMALT! And me and my husband are the total opposite of how you describe your friends’ relationships.

I have recently returned to work after having our first child. We are both working full time. The housework and childcare are split evenly. We communicate with each other so we know if one of us has to work late, for example a parents’ evening for me. If this is the case the other one steps up and takes charge of the childcare and cooking dinner and to be honest…it’s me more often than not that ends up working late. Usually when we get in, one of us cooks dinner while the other plays with/ occupies baby…we do this interchangeably.

I am higher up in my career ladder than he is although he earns more. I am keen to progress further and DH fully supports this. He has always been super supportive about my career but is also more than happy to support the family unit over the next couple of years as we are currently trying for baby number two and I may take a couple of years out to make the most of those precious years.

Neither of us would just go out without checking that the other one doesn’t already have plans and would certainly never just go out without warning. To be honest, most of our friends are mutual so impromptu get togethers are joint. Things where the other person needs to looks after the baby would be pre planned events like stag or hen parties.

This is the norm amongst the vast majority of my friends.

Of course, there are horrible men, just like there are horrible women! Humans can be horrible and humans can be nice! Let’s not barrel a whole section of society together!

Holly60 · 23/10/2021 17:49

@User135644

Do all the Mums Netters who think every male is awful and a waste of space, apply this to their own sons, btw? Given their literal application AMALT.
Yes I wonder this too
Evangeli · 23/10/2021 17:52

To everyone who keeps saying NAMALT and their husband is amazing and does their fair share of chores: that is not point. Research clearly shows that the MAJORITY of men are NOT doing their fair share and the division of labour is unequal. We should be discussing how to CHANGE that toxic, unfair, unequal dynamic, rather than keep saying while my husband washes the dishes or whatever, and women should leave men who don't wash dishes.

PurpleDaisies · 23/10/2021 17:52

To everyone who keeps saying NAMALT and their husband is amazing and does their fair share of chores: that is not point.

It is a valid answer to the op’s question though.

RainyDrops · 23/10/2021 17:54

I really hope that all these defenders of men also go and defend women on male heavy boards.
You really,really should go and have a look.

PurpleDaisies · 23/10/2021 17:58

@RainyDrops

I really hope that all these defenders of men also go and defend women on male heavy boards. You really,really should go and have a look.
The men who hang out on those boards are usually horrible. They are also not representative of all men.
RainyDrops · 23/10/2021 18:00

@Evangeli

To everyone who keeps saying NAMALT and their husband is amazing and does their fair share of chores: that is not point. Research clearly shows that the MAJORITY of men are NOT doing their fair share and the division of labour is unequal. We should be discussing how to CHANGE that toxic, unfair, unequal dynamic, rather than keep saying while my husband washes the dishes or whatever, and women should leave men who don't wash dishes.
Agreed.

Also the whole ”good, decent, usefull etc men” is pointless, because everyone has different parameters to what that means.
And bar is so low so often.

According to MN most, if not all men watches porn and that’s okey.
I find it disgusting and don’t think any man who has anything to do with that misogynistic garbage has any business being in a relationship.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/10/2021 18:01

@PurpleDaisies

Maybe even the 'good' ones are rubbish and we/ society have conditioned ourselves not to see it.

Dh is not rubbish. He cooks. He cleans. He does his fair share around the house.

What should I be on the look out for that o haven’t noticed?

My dh does all the laundry and ironing, and the vast majority of the cooking and clearing up, because I have long covid, and can’t do much. Even before I got covid/long covid, he was doing most of the washing, all the ironing and half the cooking, on top of work.

As the second post on this thread said, people whose husbands/partners are doing their fair share (or more, as in dh’s case) aren’t going to post complaining about them. So when there seem to be lots of posts about useless dhs/dps, that is all people will see, and it will be easy to assume that every dh/dp is the same - but they aren’t.

entropynow · 23/10/2021 18:05

Posted once about DH being a good guy (not perfect but above average) and was almost immediately accused of being "smug". Puts you off, frankly.

KayKayWat · 23/10/2021 18:05

Well, the vast majority of people who live cushy lives without working are female, so there must be some pretty hard working blokes out there.

RainyDrops · 23/10/2021 18:06

@PurpleDaisies

But there are so, so many.
It may not ve every single male on the planet, but I think it’s dangerous to convince yourself that most men are ”good”.

To me a good man would be fighting againts sexism/misogyny, I have never met a man who does that.
They are either the problem, goes along with it or stays silent.

Moonface123 · 23/10/2021 18:07

Women do need to take some accountability though regarding poor choices in the first place, and hopefully learn from that. It seems some of them go into relationships with their eyes pretty much shut.
I know a lot of decent solid men in real life who make lovely partners and fathers but as a nation we seem addicted to complaining rather than praising, which is a sad state of affairs.

entropynow · 23/10/2021 18:08

@crackofdoom

You need some better heterosexual acquaintances, is all. I know plenty of equal m/f couples.

nancybotwinbloom · 23/10/2021 18:09

Mumsnet is like the opposite of Facebook.

OuchWhatWasThat · 23/10/2021 18:16

@Moonface123

Women do need to take some accountability though regarding poor choices in the first place, and hopefully learn from that. It seems some of them go into relationships with their eyes pretty much shut. I know a lot of decent solid men in real life who make lovely partners and fathers but as a nation we seem addicted to complaining rather than praising, which is a sad state of affairs.
What makes them decent?

What should men be praised about as a nation?

Do you recognize that people complain about women?

Is that sad state of affairs?

Do women also deserve to be praised?

WorraLiberty · 23/10/2021 18:18

@WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia

If someone started a thread saying she was grateful for having a helpful, kind, thoughtful and trustworthy dh that does all the cooking and cleaning she’d be ripped to shreds in the comments. Mn doesn’t take kindly to “bragging” or just the general thought of somebody being happy in life.
I've seen that sort of thing before.

On one thread where the OP encouraged people to post about their lovely DPs, someone actually suggested it should've came with a trigger warning for those who don't have good men 🙄

KayKayWat · 23/10/2021 18:21

But the flipside is that it's much more common foe women to work part time or not at all, or to be the one with the non-career job. In this situation of course they should do more housework.

DownToTheSeaAgain · 23/10/2021 18:24

I think the posters who point at lack of equality being endemic (home and workplace) make good points. These good men who don't feature on Mumsnet should be doing more than just their 'share' of the chores. That is a given. They should be fighting for and promoting equality in every sphere of life.

I started this thread alarmed at the number of awful, awful men featured on Mumsnet. I'm now realising that this goes much, much deeper. And AMALT because a microscopic number of them are willing to make big changes and/or sacrifices to make the patriarchy ....less patriarchal.

OP posts:
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