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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being selfish?

268 replies

Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 11:17

I gave birth on Wednesday and since been home my mum and partner have just argued so I made my mum leave. I haven’t been able to stop crying I feel everything is going wrong since my baby was born.
Here’s for the Aibu my partner has 3 other children with his ex, he asked her if we could have the weekend off having them considering I had just had a baby and was so emotional and I also think baby is a bit jaundice. She has kicked off saying no we’re selfish horrible people and we have to have them, we have them every single weekend without fail we never miss one and have them every single school holiday but she’s making our life a misery everything is on her terms and we have to do as she says or she will stop him having the children. we said we would compromise and still have them for a few hours so they could meet there new sibling but even that wasn’t enough and she’s told us we have to have them all weekend. I’m really struggling with feeling so emotional and in pain my birth didn’t go to plan so I’m feeling a little low over that too. Am I being selfish for not wanting them all weekend or is she?

OP posts:
Gizlotsmum · 23/10/2021 11:19

When did he ask? Do you have them every weekend?

Original poster
Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 11:20

Yes we have them everything single weekend and he asked her Wednesday I was early my waters broke at 37 weeks on the Tuesday so we wasn’t expecting our baby so soon.

OP posts:
TheQueef · 23/10/2021 11:22

Are you sure you are ok with your Mum going, why did she have to leave?

Original poster
Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 11:24

I wasn’t okay with her leaving but it was getting to hostile and I didn’t want all the arguing in front of my newborn felt it was best she left so to the arguing between her and my partner

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 23/10/2021 11:24

Well she could have agreed for the weekend, however if they were both of your children or just yours then they probably would have been there anyway and you would have had to cope. Your partner will need to be the one looking after everyone for the weekend

AbandonedCharacter · 23/10/2021 11:25

Congratulations!

I don't have any experience or advice about step-families but maybe just stay in bed this weekend and rest? Let your DH handle his children and keep them occupied after they have met their new sibling. It's okay to prioritise you and you 4 day old baby!

emsyj37 · 23/10/2021 11:26

What seems to be 'usual' amongst my friends (and what happened for me) is that the dad looks after the older children when a new baby arrives, so that mum can focus solely on the new baby. Having a fourth child (because this is what your baby is, a fourth child, not a first child) is bound to mean a challenging first few weeks. Four is a lot of kids, and more than most families choose to have for many very good reasons - it's hard work. Your hormones are probably at that low that is normal to experience at around 4 days postpartum so this is a particularly difficult moment for you that should pass soon.
The ex probably sees this is the start of her children being pushed out in favour of yours, so it's understandable that she isn't happy. You can't pick and choose when to be a responsible parent or take a break from it when it suits. Maybe it would have been kind for her to let him off this weekend, but they are his kids and you can't expect it.

BrilliantBulb · 23/10/2021 11:28

What we’re they arguing over that caused you to ask your mum to leave? Is she far away? If you’d prefer to be with her for a bit could you and the baby go to hers?

With regards to the weekend: the children exist 100% of the time. If you had another child in the future you wouldn’t just send your current child away for a week after giving birth, you’d all be together. So if it was me I would still have the step children. BUT DP would have to do absolutely everything.

Ughmaybenot · 23/10/2021 11:30

Honestly no I don’t think you were unreasonable to ask but equally I don’t think the children’s mother was unreasonable to say no. Kicking off and being rude is unnecessary tho. It is what it is at this stage tho, and it’ll have to be down to your partner to do absolutely everything for all of you this weekend, you, baby and the children.
Was it the fact your partners children were coming for the weekend that caused the argument between your mum and your partner? I’m sorry you have all this to deal with so soon after having your baby.

esloquehay · 23/10/2021 11:30

I think your partner was unreasonable to have asked for the weekend "off". He still has responsibilities towards his elder three children, which do not stop just because you've had a baby and are feeling a bit low.
'First' families often get shafted when the NRP starts having children with a new partner and it sets such a bad precedent.
You 'agreeing' to having his elder 3 for a few hours is really not as magnanimous as you seem to think it is.

TidyDancer · 23/10/2021 11:30

I think it's a shame your DM had to go when she did, she could've been a big support when the house numbers doubled at the weekend. What happened between her and your DP?

The DCs I think you're being a little unreasonable about, if they were your DCs they would've been there anyway and your home is also their home. I understand the apprehension but excluding them (even temporarily) is not the best way to go.

Ughmaybenot · 23/10/2021 11:31

How far does your mum live from you?

Bigeggsinapackoften · 23/10/2021 11:32

The other kids should’ve come as usual and you should’ve let your partner deal with them.

This was a long-standing arrangement and it’s normal for them to be with you every weekend.

Original poster
Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 11:34

I have 3 other children myself so hardly pushing them away this is my third child to my partner and she has another child to someone else which we had the children for over a week for when she had her child so no I dont think one weekend off was a lot to ask for considering we had the 3 children for a week to accommodate her when she had a baby. Yes the argument was because my mum said I needed to rest and focus on the children that live here and have this children over for most of today instead for the whole weekend.

OP posts:
Bigeggsinapackoften · 23/10/2021 11:34

Did you ask her in advance?

Ughmaybenot · 23/10/2021 11:36

Ah, unfortunately your update re your own children does change my answer somewhat. If your own children were going to be there, it would be unreasonable to push out the stepchildren. All they would see is that it was okay for your children to be there but not for them, which could make them feel very unwanted.
Mind you, I can understand you feeling daunted, six(?) children in the house and a new baby.
Your mum probably wasn’t helping matters with pushing the issue when really your partner was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Original poster
Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 11:36

We told her when baby arrived we would like a weekend to bond with baby but he arrived a little early so he asked again and she kicked off

OP posts:
chopc · 23/10/2021 11:37

Not sure I get the scenario. So where are your other three children? So altogether you would have 7 children at the weekend?

What I don't get about the ex is if you don't do what she says, she threatens to stop contact yet they are with you every single weekend and holiday - sounds like her threat won't materialise .......

Bigeggsinapackoften · 23/10/2021 11:38

@Honeycomb129

We told her when baby arrived we would like a weekend to bond with baby but he arrived a little early so he asked again and she kicked off
And what were you doing with your other children while you had your weekend to bond with the baby?
Snog · 23/10/2021 11:38

So you have four children together and your partner has another three children - seven children at the weekend ?
YANBU to ask for help.
Hope you are OK OP.

Strictly1 · 23/10/2021 11:38

If your three children are with you I think you should have his. It sounds like your mum overstepped the line.
Congratulations on the new baby.

TheQueef · 23/10/2021 11:39

Eee you must be knackered Brew
Is it salvageable, are the kids coming?

Flowerpowwer6 · 23/10/2021 11:39

Gosh OP there's a lot of kids on both sides. I mean was there no discussion about you possibly going into labour early with your partner?

I think you have every right to refuse on this occasion and for the next couple of weeks tbh.

Can your partner go to court for his kids a d get a child legal agreement drawn up. Why are you both doing every weekend?

AmDillDandin · 23/10/2021 11:39

A newborn with all those children is bound to be hard work. You can't push some of the children 'out' though, not when the would usually be there week in week out, so yes I'd say YABU.

Congrats on the new baby though Flowers hope your DP is pulling his weight.

BrilliantBulb · 23/10/2021 11:40

So you’re now a family of seven children?

As she asked the very same thing from you then it does seem off that she’s being unbending now. But I think you’re just going to have to deal with it.

Make sure your DP knows you’re out of action.