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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being selfish?

268 replies

Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 11:17

I gave birth on Wednesday and since been home my mum and partner have just argued so I made my mum leave. I haven’t been able to stop crying I feel everything is going wrong since my baby was born.
Here’s for the Aibu my partner has 3 other children with his ex, he asked her if we could have the weekend off having them considering I had just had a baby and was so emotional and I also think baby is a bit jaundice. She has kicked off saying no we’re selfish horrible people and we have to have them, we have them every single weekend without fail we never miss one and have them every single school holiday but she’s making our life a misery everything is on her terms and we have to do as she says or she will stop him having the children. we said we would compromise and still have them for a few hours so they could meet there new sibling but even that wasn’t enough and she’s told us we have to have them all weekend. I’m really struggling with feeling so emotional and in pain my birth didn’t go to plan so I’m feeling a little low over that too. Am I being selfish for not wanting them all weekend or is she?

OP posts:
Bigeggsinapackoften · 23/10/2021 11:51

He can do pasta and jar sauce
Or jar sauce with rice.

AmDillDandin · 23/10/2021 11:52

@Honeycomb129

We aren’t allowed to feed them on takeaways she tells us we have to feed them fresh everything
Does she really? Grin

Better tell DP to get his Mary Berry book out then

Bigeggsinapackoften · 23/10/2021 11:52

Your partner has two 7 year olds!? One with you and one with his ex!?

Original poster
Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 11:52

He does work, but even with him working we still make sure we have them every single weekend and all school holidays. She doesn’t work and has babysitters all during the week so barely sees them but she’s very demanding.

OP posts:
Strictly1 · 23/10/2021 11:52

How did he feed them before he met you?

emsyj37 · 23/10/2021 11:52

yes, as a PP pointed out your DP looked after his own children whilst his ex had another baby - the equivalent here would be your ex looking after your eldest (assuming your new baby is your 4th and your oldest child was not with current partner).

Original poster
Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 11:52

My eldest isn’t his we have 3 together i have 4

OP posts:
Original poster
Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 11:53

My Eldest sons father isn’t involved when he found out I was pregnant he left me

OP posts:
GoldenOmber · 23/10/2021 11:53

Congratulations on your baby.

Your partner sounds utterly useless if he’s really expecting you to cook and clean for a family of nine a few days after giving birth. I would get your mum back if I were you - at least she sounds like she’s putting you first more than anyone else is here.

Ughmaybenot · 23/10/2021 11:54

For fucks sake. She can suck it up for one weekend, have you always stuck to her every whim?
Regardless, my point still stands. I refuse to believe a grown man is so utterly incompetent that he can’t cobble together a meal, which does leave us at the conclusion that he simply cannot be arsed, and is certainly adding to your stress and not easing it even slightly.
Is there no way your mum could come back at all? Sorry if you’ve already answered this.

Original poster
Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 11:56

@Ughmaybenot I wish she could but she lives in Norwich and we’re in Bristol so it’s a fair distance to ask her to come back again she was meant to stay the week

OP posts:
Original poster
Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 11:57

Oh and yes we have to agree or everything she says or she gets nasty and refuses to speak to him and gets solicitors involved and stops them coming over unless we have them every week

OP posts:
Eviebeans · 23/10/2021 11:57

You should have chucked him out and let your mum stay , she sounds more use to you at the moment. I expect she could at least have helped with the cooking and tidying up.

Bigeggsinapackoften · 23/10/2021 11:58

What does the CAO say about when you’re to have the kids?

Fireflygal · 23/10/2021 11:58

@strictly1, this is my third child to my partner

Op, Of course you are struggling but you are not selfish but the responsibility to help is not the Ex but your partner. He really needs to step up and I can't believe a father of 6 and step dad to 1, can't run a house with basic cooking and cleaning.

Don't get angry with the Ex, it's him who should be feeling the pressure. Given the situation it was crazy to send your mum away but I understand why you felt the need to do so.

Your partner CAN cook and clean. He is choosing not to do so.

CoisFarraige1 · 23/10/2021 11:59

YABU
You knew before you got pregnant that:

  • your DP is useless and can’t cook or clean
  • he has 3 children you have every weekend and during holidays
  • you have 3 children you have full time

You still got pregnant with a 7th child. Now the baby is here suddenly his children coming to visit and his inability to cook and clean (ridiculous man don’t know why you’re with him in the first place) is becoming an issue….. obviously!!!!

You will have 7 children in your house every weekend, one a newborn, and all during the holidays. This is the life you choose and the decisions you actively made. Focusing on wanting ‘one weekend without HIS children’ is pretty pointless.

Original poster
Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 11:59

It’s his house so I can’t Chuck him out and was best one of them left I didn’t want all that around my newborn or the other children.

OP posts:
JaneDoe21 · 23/10/2021 12:01

No such thing as can't cook! Won't cook more like.

How hard is it to shove some frozen food in the oven? I mean really? You don't need all fancy home cooked meals right now just need to get by.
Stop making excuses for your DP. He needs to step up with the housework and kids and let you rest. Surely he knew how hard 7 kids would be when you decided to have another baby?

Ughmaybenot · 23/10/2021 12:01

[quote Honeycomb129]@Ughmaybenot I wish she could but she lives in Norwich and we’re in Bristol so it’s a fair distance to ask her to come back again she was meant to stay the week[/quote]
That’s shit for you. I can understand your issue, but, depending on how it was left between you two, I think on this occasion I’d reach out and ask anyway. She can only say no, but I know a lot of mothers would consider the ‘wasted’ trip worth it to help their struggling daughter.
It’s unreasonable to continue doing absolutely everything that your partners ex ‘insists’ on. I presume there is some sort of formal court agreement which states when and how contact should happen, and if there isn’t, I’d suggest that there needs to be, as a priority.

Original poster
Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 12:02

Fine I get it I’m the one being unreasonable and I’ll suck it up thanks everyone

OP posts:
LIZS · 23/10/2021 12:02

So some of the half siblings get to meet newborn , others don't. Could they not have come for a few hours then dp take them put again. You can still rest with baby.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 23/10/2021 12:03

I don't agree that its not fair. Your DP looked after his children when their mother couldn't. He needs to do the same this weekend for all his children. You would have a cause for argument if he was the one that was incapacitated and she refused

Original poster
Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 12:03

No there’s no court agreement at all it’s just what she tells us we need to do to help her rest as she puts it not us

OP posts:
CoisFarraige1 · 23/10/2021 12:04

I hope the 7 children are all ok. Sounds like such a hectic mess and a useless man baby in the middle of it all. Confused

Ughmaybenot · 23/10/2021 12:04

@Honeycomb129

Fine I get it I’m the one being unreasonable and I’ll suck it up thanks everyone
Don’t take it that way, I can only see that one person has said you’re the one being unreasonable. The rest, including me, are just fucking baffled by how utterly hopeless your partner sounds. He’s letting you down at the worst possible time he could do so.