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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being selfish?

268 replies

Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 11:17

I gave birth on Wednesday and since been home my mum and partner have just argued so I made my mum leave. I haven’t been able to stop crying I feel everything is going wrong since my baby was born.
Here’s for the Aibu my partner has 3 other children with his ex, he asked her if we could have the weekend off having them considering I had just had a baby and was so emotional and I also think baby is a bit jaundice. She has kicked off saying no we’re selfish horrible people and we have to have them, we have them every single weekend without fail we never miss one and have them every single school holiday but she’s making our life a misery everything is on her terms and we have to do as she says or she will stop him having the children. we said we would compromise and still have them for a few hours so they could meet there new sibling but even that wasn’t enough and she’s told us we have to have them all weekend. I’m really struggling with feeling so emotional and in pain my birth didn’t go to plan so I’m feeling a little low over that too. Am I being selfish for not wanting them all weekend or is she?

OP posts:
Original poster
Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 11:41

I’m really not okay I haven’t been able to stop crying I feel so overwhelmed I have my 3 children here with me so I’m already trying to find a new routine with my children and I just wanted one weekend off to try and focus on the children here my 18 month old is very clingy and I’m really struggling my mum lives 4 hours away so not like she can just come back i don’t have any support where we actually live. I’m more than happy for his children to come for over for all of today but I just can’t handle all the cooking and cleaning on top of everything too

OP posts:
AmDillDandin · 23/10/2021 11:42

but I just can’t handle all the cooking and cleaning on top of everything too

You shouldn't be doing that, that's his job.

Bigeggsinapackoften · 23/10/2021 11:42

He needs to step up.

Flowerpowwer6 · 23/10/2021 11:43

@Ughmaybenot

Ah, unfortunately your update re your own children does change my answer somewhat. If your own children were going to be there, it would be unreasonable to push out the stepchildren. All they would see is that it was okay for your children to be there but not for them, which could make them feel very unwanted. Mind you, I can understand you feeling daunted, six(?) children in the house and a new baby. Your mum probably wasn’t helping matters with pushing the issue when really your partner was stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I don't agree with this. OP kids will always be her kids. Her step children are step and possibly OP won't see them if she splits with their dad. The noise level of 7 kids and been home from hospital having to attend to a new born. No thanks.

What is OPS stepchildren mother doing every weekend?? She has got it good!

LettertoHermoine · 23/10/2021 11:43

YANBU. You have just had a baby, there are already enough kids in the house to deal with. That is not being selfish, it is being practical.

CrumpetStrumpet · 23/10/2021 11:43

Your partner needs to be doing the cooking and cleaning. You've just had a baby.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 23/10/2021 11:43

You didn't accomodate her, your partner looked after his children when their mother recovered from giving birth. Exactly the same as he should be doing this weekend with his children

JaneDoe21 · 23/10/2021 11:44

Get your mum back. She's sticking up for you there and is completely right.

Maybe you could go to hers this weekend with the baby? Have a little rest? Leave the husband to deal with the kids if he's being hostile towards your mother for simply saying you need to rest!

TheQueef · 23/10/2021 11:44

You don't do any cooking or cleaning or bedtimes DP needs to do it.
If he wants help tell him to arrange himself as your go to (mum) can't help.

Ughmaybenot · 23/10/2021 11:44

You poor thing, your situation sounds terribly tough.
Why, can I ask, would you be doing any of the cooking or cleaning?! That’s on your partner surely?

Dntevenknowit · 23/10/2021 11:44

You’ll just be making the older children feel rejected. If they were your biological children you couldnt have a weekend ‘off’ because youd just given birth.

BrilliantBulb · 23/10/2021 11:45

I just can’t handle all the cooking and cleaning on top of everything too
This is nothing to do with the children and everything to do with your DP.

JaneDoe21 · 23/10/2021 11:45

Missed the bit about the husband not doing bedtimes/cleaning! Deff go to your mums for a break.

This isn't a ex problem nor a mum problem this is a husband problem.

Original poster
Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 11:45

@sweeneytoddsrazor so basically we have to do everything we can do help her but she can’t do the same back that’s fair isn’t itn

OP posts:
emsyj37 · 23/10/2021 11:45

I think most people would feel overwhelmed with 7 children...
It is your DP's job to cook and look after the older children. If he won't then he is the problem really, not the ex.

Munchkinpumpkin · 23/10/2021 11:46

YABU.. they are part of the family just as much as the baby, most people have to have their kids at this time

Fireflygal · 23/10/2021 11:46

So your partner has 6 children? How old are all the children?

I think the Ex could have been considerate but she may have her own reasons for refusing so don't immediately assume it's a personal attack on you. You need to rest so why not get your partner and your mum to be more grown up and agree to disagree.
Then they can support you this weekend so that all 5 older children are looked after.

we have to do as she says or she will stop him having the children

Given she wants you to have the children every weekend then she is hardly going to stop him seeing the children.

Focus in your baby this weekend and let your partner step up and parent his other 5 children.

Strictly1 · 23/10/2021 11:46

@JaneDoe21

Get your mum back. She's sticking up for you there and is completely right.

Maybe you could go to hers this weekend with the baby? Have a little rest? Leave the husband to deal with the kids if he's being hostile towards your mother for simply saying you need to rest!

Think about his three children that get the message you're not welcome. We are always moaning that dads don't step up but now it's okay. The adults in their lives chose to have further children, not them. The dad needs to step up with the cooking and cleaning. Pushing the children away when the op are there, which when young, is how it will feel, is wrong.
Motnight · 23/10/2021 11:46

7 kids including a newborn? Your partner needs to step up so that you aren't involved in any of the cooking and cleaning.

Original poster
Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 11:47

I can’t go to my mums she lives 4 hours away no way I can travel with a newborn that far. He can’t cook so doesn’t. They’re already here so we haven’t pushed them away I’ve shut my mouth and accepted that but I’m just struggling

OP posts:
Ughmaybenot · 23/10/2021 11:49

He can’t cook so doesn’t
Please tell me you’re joking. He couldn’t stick a pasta bake in the oven and get together a salad to go with it? Or if something that simple is too much of a stretch for him, get a takeaway? He sounds useless!

Strictly1 · 23/10/2021 11:49

@Fireflygal

So your partner has 6 children? How old are all the children?

I think the Ex could have been considerate but she may have her own reasons for refusing so don't immediately assume it's a personal attack on you. You need to rest so why not get your partner and your mum to be more grown up and agree to disagree.
Then they can support you this weekend so that all 5 older children are looked after.

we have to do as she says or she will stop him having the children

Given she wants you to have the children every weekend then she is hardly going to stop him seeing the children.

Focus in your baby this weekend and let your partner step up and parent his other 5 children.

I thought they had three each and a new born together?
Original poster
Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 11:50

We aren’t allowed to feed them on takeaways she tells us we have to feed them fresh everything

OP posts:
Flowerpowwer6 · 23/10/2021 11:50

@Ughmaybenot is absolutely right. What possessed you to have another child to this man. Does he work? It sounds like beglam!!

Original poster
Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 11:51

His children are 13, 10 and 7 mine are 7, 2 and 18 months

OP posts: