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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being selfish?

268 replies

Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 11:17

I gave birth on Wednesday and since been home my mum and partner have just argued so I made my mum leave. I haven’t been able to stop crying I feel everything is going wrong since my baby was born.
Here’s for the Aibu my partner has 3 other children with his ex, he asked her if we could have the weekend off having them considering I had just had a baby and was so emotional and I also think baby is a bit jaundice. She has kicked off saying no we’re selfish horrible people and we have to have them, we have them every single weekend without fail we never miss one and have them every single school holiday but she’s making our life a misery everything is on her terms and we have to do as she says or she will stop him having the children. we said we would compromise and still have them for a few hours so they could meet there new sibling but even that wasn’t enough and she’s told us we have to have them all weekend. I’m really struggling with feeling so emotional and in pain my birth didn’t go to plan so I’m feeling a little low over that too. Am I being selfish for not wanting them all weekend or is she?

OP posts:
CoisFarraige1 · 23/10/2021 12:36

@Honeycomb129

I’m not saying we should be commended for that I was just making it clear what we do that’s all. Like I have said we haven’t pushed them out just felt overwhelmed and tired that’s all but it’s fine hopefully he will help more and go from there if not then nothing changes and I’m still feeling shitty
This really should’ve been discussed and sorted before you had your 3 children under 3. ‘Hopefully’ he will step up but given his inability to look after his children and cook or clean or do a shop and wash (seriously why are you even with this waste of space) I wouldn’t hold my breath. You may as well get used to doing everything for 7 children with a newborn as if doesn’t sound like he is going to change.
MrsRobbieHart · 23/10/2021 12:36

I bet it was the same situation when you had the first two children with him OP?

Has he had his vasectomy yet? Is it booked?

lunar1 · 23/10/2021 12:36

What on earth kind of man has that many children he can neither feed nor provide care for!

Thesearmsofmine · 23/10/2021 12:36

I’m not surprised you are overwhelmed OP, I don’t think anyone has said that you are unreasonable to want to rest but that the issue is with your partner and not his ex.

JaneDoe21 · 23/10/2021 12:36

@Honeycomb129 no not nothing changes and you feel shitty. If nothing changes then you need to step up and make changes be it wether it's refusing to do things for him or leaving him YOU HAVE TO MAKE THE CHANGE if he doesn't.
Please do not have a victim mentality here when you can change the situation.

Wintermagic · 23/10/2021 12:37

I hope this Prince among men has considered the snip. He has enough children.

This. Please don’t have any more children, especially with a useless man who can’t look after the 6 he already has. He can’t even cook for them? Why on earth did you decide to have a 7th child. And if it’s not your house, where will you and your 4 children go if he decides to kicks you out? But then again, he’d have to get a cook and a cleaner for his 3 children so he probably won’t. Useless man.

WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia · 23/10/2021 12:37

Do you have contact with his ex? Or is it your partner that does all the communicating with her? He could be exaggerating about how much of a manipulative psycho she is. Does she really make all these threats of cutting off contact etc?
I don’t think you’re unreasonable to want a weekend off from the sc. They’re not going to feel abandoned and unloved missing one weekend with you.

LettertoHermoine · 23/10/2021 12:38

@Fireflygal

My heart goes out to you. Skipping a weekend is not asking for much. Fucks sake!

I think we all have empathy for Op but the Ex does not owe her anything. It would be kind if she offered assistance but we don't know her circumstances. Given the arrangement is EVERY weekend the Op would be here again next weekend, with the same issue, only difference is a 1.5 week old baby.

The partner in this situation is the one who should be supportive and it's too easy for the women to blame each other. The Op is stressed because she has to cook for some many children because the other parent refuses to cook or clean. That is the issue here...I can't see the Op's life getting better quickly given she has such little children and stepchildren.

Op, is there a large age gap between you and your partner? Just can't understand where his beliefs about not cooking or cleaning come from.

There is a HUGE difference in 3 days and one and a half weeks.....HUGE. She would be in less pain for a start as she would actually have a chance to heal. It's ONE weekend they asked for. ONE! They have never missed any up to now.
Just10moreminutesplease · 23/10/2021 12:39

I really feel for you but existing children shouldn’t be pushed out when a new baby arrives. Especially if they don’t live with that parent full time.

Please speak to your GP if you are feeling overwhelmed. Having a baby is such an emotional rollercoaster but it does get easier Flowers.

GalaPie · 23/10/2021 12:39

I have a feeling there will be some reason why not - but can dh's parents not help out somewhat? Take all their grandchildren out for a walk this afternoon, or bring a meal round for everyone, or sit in the front room with a dvd on?
You certainly have a dh problem - it seems he is rather lazy in every department apart from one.
You also have a dh ex problem. These arrangements are ridiculous with 7 children in the mix, no deviation allowed, no take away food permitted.

Original poster
Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 12:39

To be honest I kept being told my doctors that I wasn’t able to have anymore children I was told that after my 18 month old that my womb was damaged and then I miscarried and then told again I wouldn’t be able to have children and that was why I lost the baby so When newborn came along it was like a miracle for the people asking why I got pregnant again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 12:40

And he’s 8 years older than me

OP posts:
Bigeggsinapackoften · 23/10/2021 12:40

I am sorry for your losses x But you must’ve actively planned baby 6 which is insane when it’s all such a mess.

Do you work?

Wintermagic · 23/10/2021 12:41

I’ve just had a small argument with him and told him I can’t do anymore and told him he needs to do more he obviously moaned but has agreed to go shopping and get food in that he can manage and actually agreed to do the washing

How did you let it go this far op? How?

Original poster
Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 12:42

I’m a paramedic on mat leave and he’s a police officer. She doesn’t work if that matters at all

OP posts:
MrsRobbieHart · 23/10/2021 12:42

@Honeycomb129

To be honest I kept being told my doctors that I wasn’t able to have anymore children I was told that after my 18 month old that my womb was damaged and then I miscarried and then told again I wouldn’t be able to have children and that was why I lost the baby so When newborn came along it was like a miracle for the people asking why I got pregnant again.
Well now you know that’s completely wrong, don’t you? So there’s no excuse for this to happen again. He needs vasectomy. Tell him to ring the GP on Monday and book it.
MrsRobbieHart · 23/10/2021 12:43

Ohhh you’ve posted about him before!! I remember.

Bigeggsinapackoften · 23/10/2021 12:43

So how is he going to cope Wilber you go back to work? With both of you doing shifts that some amount of childcare!

How much can you actually have worked in the last 3 years though?

Just10moreminutesplease · 23/10/2021 12:43

Just to add, your husband needs to step up with cooking and cleaning and his ex has no right to stipulate that you can’t have takeaways.

Just leave the parenting to him over the weekend while you rest (go to your room if needs be with a cup of tea and cake).

Kiduknot · 23/10/2021 12:44

Just refuse to do more. He can “cook” jacket potatoes, cheese and beans. Or jarred pasta sauce with pasta.

Bigeggsinapackoften · 23/10/2021 12:45

With that many young children you must’ve basically been on back to back maternity leaves surely?

CoisFarraige1 · 23/10/2021 12:46

@Honeycomb129

I’m a paramedic on mat leave and he’s a police officer. She doesn’t work if that matters at all
Why would what his ex does matter? Your partner has brought 6 children into this situation. You are responsible for bringing 4 into this situation knowing full well what you situation was and knowing full well that your partner is useless. Honestly why is any of this a surprise to you? Did you expect that children number 7 was going to radically transform your useless partner into a excellent one? You’d be resting up now and he would be happily cooking cleaning and caring for the other six? You made your own situation. You’re unhappy with it and you’re projecting completely onto his ex. You sound jealous of her - although that is not surprising given she has gotten rid of her useless ex and you’re now stuck with him.
ThatNameAgainItsMrPlow · 23/10/2021 12:47

Are your partners parents around, op? Like pp said they could take their grandchildren to the park or something this weekend.

I’m sorry for your losses and your difficult birth. Flowers
Your partner needs to step up if he cares about you at all. He needs to do all the work around the house and look after the 6 oldest to give you time to heal.

Original poster
Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 12:47

I have been back to work before and while pregnant with this baby and my 18 month old was in child minders.

OP posts:
MrsRobbieHart · 23/10/2021 12:47

I remember your thread for the last pregnancy, or maybe you were planning the last pregnancy, when you were working out how long you had to go back to work for your qualify for maternity pay.

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