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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being selfish?

268 replies

Honeycomb129 · 23/10/2021 11:17

I gave birth on Wednesday and since been home my mum and partner have just argued so I made my mum leave. I haven’t been able to stop crying I feel everything is going wrong since my baby was born.
Here’s for the Aibu my partner has 3 other children with his ex, he asked her if we could have the weekend off having them considering I had just had a baby and was so emotional and I also think baby is a bit jaundice. She has kicked off saying no we’re selfish horrible people and we have to have them, we have them every single weekend without fail we never miss one and have them every single school holiday but she’s making our life a misery everything is on her terms and we have to do as she says or she will stop him having the children. we said we would compromise and still have them for a few hours so they could meet there new sibling but even that wasn’t enough and she’s told us we have to have them all weekend. I’m really struggling with feeling so emotional and in pain my birth didn’t go to plan so I’m feeling a little low over that too. Am I being selfish for not wanting them all weekend or is she?

OP posts:

diddl · 23/10/2021 16:35

Hope you manage to get some rest Op.

CombatBarbie · 23/10/2021 16:47

There is so much wrong with your set up! Why do you have them every weekend for a start? Does their own mother not want quality time with them.

As for the not being able to do a simple meal for them well that's just beyond ridiculous.... And she dictates what you feed them? Fuck that.

MissMaple82 · 23/10/2021 16:50

I'd be pissed too. If it were your own children you wouldn't ask them to leave home for a few weeks just because you'd had a baby would you! So why do it with his children. I get that a new baby is a stressful time but you can't pick and choose when his kids are around, they are his children, they are part of your family as a result

Sunflowers095 · 23/10/2021 16:56

You're blaming his ex when actually your DP isn't stepping up.

His children should be his priority whether he has a new baby with you or not. Between you there should not be 7 kids if you need to take breaks from them. He can't treat his older kids different and push them out but be a full family with you, without them.

You have a DP problem.

Irishfarmer · 23/10/2021 17:03

I don't think you are "pushing out" your SC. You took them for a full week when his ex had her baby, it wouldn't have killed her to keep her three for the weekend, after they had meet their new sibling.

People saying she should have been more organised, the baby was early. Unless the ex had something she couldn't get out of the weekend I can't see the big deal.

Feed them what ever your husband can muster up. When you say he can't cook, surely you just mean he can't cook well. My hubby isn't a good cook but could def manage burgers and frozen chips.

Congrats and look after yourself

rwalker · 23/10/2021 17:08

If his EX won't keep the kids there's not a lot he can do (TBH don't think you should of asked but each to there own) you can'y blame him for her actions .

Your mum well and truly overstepped the mark by telling him not to have his kids .

User57327259 · 23/10/2021 17:13

Congratulations on the new born.
You must be amazing to cope with all those children while both you an DP are shift workers.
Your DMum could likely see that you are exhausted with all the children and just having given birth and would have wanted to do all that she could to help. By sending her away back to her own house 4 hours away you have shown DMum that she who would have bent over backwards to help you is not wanted and that "D"P who does nothing to help is much more wanted.
I am also concerned that you may have burned your boats with DMum.

I am also concerned that maybe "D"P has been crotchety with DMum to isolate you with all those children to look after when he can not make beans on toast for once. He cant and wont do domestic stuff to give you a hand. He is such a catch.
Sorry to be harsh
Try to make it up with your DMum. You could need her help yet

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/10/2021 17:14

Really a Dp problem here

Whatever children are there apart form baby he needs to be taking care of, plus the house. This man has fathered six children? And he knew he was becoming responsible for your eldest when you got together. He needs to be able to look after all of them.

He shouldn’t have chased your mum - who I imagine was perhaps actually some help to you - out of the house.

You need to rest. Your DP needs to care for you not cause arguments and make things worse. I think your mum was right except she didn’t go far enough- that you need to rest and look after yourself - dp should be doing most of the child care including of the ones already there.

Your dps set up of having the kids every weekend is odd - why doesn’t their mum have any quality time with them? But that’s neither here nor there right now.

aSofaNearYou · 23/10/2021 17:15

@rwalker

If his EX won't keep the kids there's not a lot he can do (TBH don't think you should of asked but each to there own) you can'y blame him for her actions .

Your mum well and truly overstepped the mark by telling him not to have his kids .

Her mum was advocating for her daughter drowning in domestic work for a man who brings three kids into the household with no intention of cooking or cleaning for them, even three days after OP has given birth. She did not overstep the mark.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/10/2021 17:16

Sorry I missed an update

Hope you and your baby are ok. Back in hospital is probably the best place to go for a bit of peace.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/10/2021 17:18

My exh used to start arguments with my mum when she was trying to help out post newborn too - and that was my first baby!

diddl · 23/10/2021 17:18

"Apologise to your mum. Tell her she was right and you are grateful for all her help and support."

Of course she wasn't right to tell a father that he shouldn't have his kids!

Obviously though he should have been looking after the 6 so that Op could concentrate on the baby.

Bigeggsinapackoften · 23/10/2021 17:30

Hope the baby is better soon op x

rwalker · 23/10/2021 17:41

@aSofaNearYou
Her mum was advocating for her daughter drowning in domestic work for a man who brings three kids into the household with no intention of cooking or cleaning for them, even three days after OP has given birth. She did not overstep the mark.

Theres a world difference telling someone to pull there weight domestically . Rather than staying in someones home and telling them not to see there own children .

heebiejeebies45 · 23/10/2021 17:48

Hi OP, I hope you are well and congratulations on the little one. Sorry to head about the baby's jaundice too.

I didn't think you were being unreasonable when first reading this but then I do know some parents really appreciate their respite time so can understand his exes response. She could have met you both in the middle with the compromise, it's annoying she didn't but also her choice.

I hope once your out of the hospital, your partner will pull his weight around the house a bit more and you're able to take it easy seeing as you've just had a baby! Hopefully you can get some sort of rest whilst in the hospital. All the best x

aSofaNearYou · 23/10/2021 18:12

[quote rwalker]@aSofaNearYou
Her mum was advocating for her daughter drowning in domestic work for a man who brings three kids into the household with no intention of cooking or cleaning for them, even three days after OP has given birth. She did not overstep the mark.

Theres a world difference telling someone to pull there weight domestically . Rather than staying in someones home and telling them not to see there own children .[/quote]
Agree, but it depends on her angle. Pointing out that he shouldn't be bringing his kids over, within the context of knowing how much he leaves to OP, is not as unreasonable as simply saying he shouldn't have his kids over for no real reason.

Ideally yes, the way she expressed this would not have included not having his kids over but not everyone expresses themselves perfectly, I think it sounds as though she may have been coming from a very valid place of concern for her daughter.

isadoradancing123 · 23/10/2021 19:24

People saying get your mum back are unfair, why should she be expected to cook and clean for seven children and a man who wont cook

Lostmarbles2021 · 23/10/2021 19:41

It’s Sat and I haven’t RTFT so ignore if this is old news now.

Your SC have a new sibling and it could be hurtful for them to feel excluded and might not be the best start to the sibling relationship. You might end up with more problems later down the line if they feel pushed out.

IMO , like PPs said, Your DP needs to step up and take over. Look after the older ones. Make sure they feel like special big brothers/sisters and you need to be able to just focus on the baby, rest when you can, sleep if you can. I would be really clear with him about what you need from him.

Also, when you got together and had more children you were also committing to each other’s children.

In the longer term the every weekend thing might need to change.

JuneauBound · 23/10/2021 21:08

@user512

Good grief, those poor children, what a mess. Why on Earth have another child, I can't feel any empathy here for you OP.

My goodness @user512 what a mean thing to say.

NormanStangerson · 23/10/2021 21:29

@user512

Good grief, those poor children, what a mess. Why on Earth have another child, I can't feel any empathy here for you OP.

This place has gone to the dogs. What a filthy comment.

Briony123 · 23/10/2021 21:40

Your husband obviously still has to look after his children. My husband also looked after our older children when our younger babies were born. How else did you think it worked? Just feed the baby and sleep as much as possible.

RobertaFirmino · 23/10/2021 22:30

@Honeycomb129 Hoping your baby is now nice and toasty under their lamp and you're managing to get a little peace. Please disregard the disgusting comments, they say a damn sight more about the posters than they ever could about you.

PinkSyCo · 24/10/2021 14:33

Not to wish ill on your newborn of course, but it is quite a Godsend that you and baby are now in hospital where he can get the attention he needs and you can get the rest you need. Also it means your DH has no choice but to pull his finger out of his arse and get on with things. I’ll bet the useless manchild is feeling sorry for being a twat to your poor mother now!

Chickychoccyegg · 24/10/2021 15:38

I hope you and your baby are well op and you're getting some much needed rest.
I think there needs to be a serious conversation between you and your partner about expectations going forward, with 7 children, thats a lot of work, and he needs to step up.

He needs to go to court and get a court ordered access arrangement, every weekend is ridiculous, and eow, and a day or 2 during the week is more usual, and the sc should only be coming when he is available, not leaving them all with you.

2.He needs to start helping properly with cooking and cleaning, as well as with all the other house jobs, no such thing as can't. 3.Tell him he steps up and sorts out both above points or it's over and you'll be moving out, he cannot go around acting like an overgrown child when he has 7 kids and a partner who has just given birth.

Mookie81 · 24/10/2021 17:27

@Honeycomb129

If you read what i put I didn’t think I could have another baby from what doctors told me

I hope I never get you for a paramedic

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