Am I being selfish?

[Honeycomb129]

I gave birth on Wednesday and since been home my mum and partner have just argued so I made my mum leave. I haven’t been able to stop crying I feel everything is going wrong since my baby was born.
Here’s for the Aibu my partner has 3 other children with his ex, he asked her if we could have the weekend off having them considering I had just had a baby and was so emotional and I also think baby is a bit jaundice. She has kicked off saying no we’re selfish horrible people and we have to have them, we have them every single weekend without fail we never miss one and have them every single school holiday but she’s making our life a misery everything is on her terms and we have to do as she says or she will stop him having the children. we said we would compromise and still have them for a few hours so they could meet there new sibling but even that wasn’t enough and she’s told us we have to have them all weekend. I’m really struggling with feeling so emotional and in pain my birth didn’t go to plan so I’m feeling a little low over that too. Am I being selfish for not wanting them all weekend or is she?

It wasn’t really fair of your partner to spring this on his ex on Wednesday for this weekend! He should have discussed this with her months ago so there was a plan in place for when the baby was born.

Personally the one to be mad at is the df here... Happy to make the dc but incapable of feeding them!!
You lady need to be doing sweet fuck all right now.. The number of dc is matterless. HE needs to be dealing with all but the new baby. Take yourself off to your bed and close the door.

His ex won't change. Your dp needs a court order. Eow is acceptable.. Every week end is a piss take imo.

You've put yourself in a pretty crappy situation by the sounds of it OP. The real YABU is having 3 babies in less than 3 years with a useless man whilst you live in his house with no legal commitment or security and with 4 existing children already in the picture. Too late to change that now, but if I were you I would be planning how to get into a position of financial independence as soon as you are able to.

@Honeycomb129

His children are 13, 10 and 7 mine are 7, 2 and 18 months

Missing the point here but how do you have a 2yo and an 18mo?

Is the 2yo closer to 3?

Sounds like a horrible situation all round.

You DP is utterly useless, his Ex is a massive pisstaker. I feel sorry for the 3 kids they share. Your children are probably suffering too? How do you have the space, time and money for all these kids?

I don't think this thread was a good idea to be honest. You aren't going to get what you need here.

they both sound as bad as each other

solicitors letter means nothing get a court order if u want structure-he needs to step and do things to help
if he refused to pick up the children or take them back theres nothing she can do

I’ve just had a small argument with him and told him I can’t do anymore and told him he needs to do more he obviously moaned but has agreed to go shopping and get food in that he can manage and actually agreed to do the washing so a little improvement the 13 year has said he wants to go home not because he’s being pushed away but he has a party at his friends so he’s leaving too. I do get all of your points about him doing more I really do. But honestly when she had a baby we did everything for her, my partner took the kids to the hospital to see her, and more but she won’t let us have one small thing we do more than she does we do pay her child maintenance as well as provide everything here for them too. She doesn’t cook for them her mum does she does nothing except demand

Presumably you and him werent an affair? What/how did he feed them fresh everything before you came along?

Dont focus on her. If you cant feed the kids what she wants this weekend then your partner will have to sort it. He is being the problem by not stepping up. He either needs to challenge her rule, draw new boudaries or fall in line. If that means taking them to a shop to buy ingredients then getting them to play quietly or help make a meal so be it. It isnt your problem.

He has his own kids. What a hero.

Yes the 2 year old is more 3 he’s 3 in March. And my 18 month old is technically not until November. But like I said I accept I’m in the wrong for asking

What sort of person creates 6 children he doesn’t know how to feed?

Op I hope you are financially independent. You’re so vulnerable otherwise.

I don't think you're unreasonable at all. You helped support her but she refuses to do the same. It's obvious that the relationship with her is a one way street. Sounds like this is a bigger issue and you need to have your partner go to court so that his visitation isn't at his ex's whim. She has no place telling what they can or can't do at their dads. I'm glad your partner is going to help more.

It's a shame you didn't discuss with the kids mum about the kids much earlier (he could have prepared for this) -!; this is where it's possible YABU

The mum probably doesn't want the children to feel like a new baby has arrived and they're already told not to come over and their mum may well see it this way too even though your reasons are SO valid. I am telling your now she isn't going to stop him seeing the kids when she's kicked off for over ONE weekend. She wants those weekends to herself, 😏

I hate seeing this threat so much because it's so manipulative and controlling it's unreal!

Call her bloody bluff and say something if you have to just for the moment and if it's worth the agro.

The ex could have been more understanding but given how useless he sounds she probably thinks fuck helping him becaise he probably helped her as much as he helps you. Your anger is misdirected.

My heart goes out to you. Skipping a weekend is not asking for much. Fucks sake!

I think we all have empathy for Op but the Ex does not owe her anything. It would be kind if she offered assistance but we don't know her circumstances. Given the arrangement is EVERY weekend the Op would be here again next weekend, with the same issue, only difference is a 1.5 week old baby.

The partner in this situation is the one who should be supportive and it's too easy for the women to blame each other. The Op is stressed because she has to cook for some many children because the other parent refuses to cook or clean. That is the issue here...I can't see the Op's life getting better quickly given she has such little children and stepchildren.

Op, is there a large age gap between you and your partner? Just can't understand where his beliefs about not cooking or cleaning come from.

@Honeycomb129

I’ve just had a small argument with him and told him I can’t do anymore and told him he needs to do more he obviously moaned but has agreed to go shopping and get food in that he can manage and actually agreed to do the washing so a little improvement the 13 year has said he wants to go home not because he’s being pushed away but he has a party at his friends so he’s leaving too. I do get all of your points about him doing more I really do. But honestly when she had a baby we did everything for her, my partner took the kids to the hospital to see her, and more but she won’t let us have one small thing we do more than she does we do pay her child maintenance as well as provide everything here for them too. She doesn’t cook for them her mum does she does nothing except demand

So he looked after all of his kids when his ex had a baby and now he should be looking after all of his kids as you have had a baby. You stay in bed or on the sofa with baby and he does everything else. It doesn’t matter if his ex has babysitters or a mum to help, that isn’t anything to do with you and paying maintenance isn’t something to be commended, it is something that should happen as a basic.

[quote Honeycomb129]@sweeneytoddsrazor so basically we have to do everything we can do help her but she can’t do the same back that’s fair isn’t itn[/quote]
I don't understand why it's every weekend. Doesn't their mum want some time with them?

This clearly isn't court ordered. Maybe it should be

He can’t cook so doesn’t

Wow. A parent of six with responsibility for seven children and cooking is optional?

I get the feeling that if you posted more, OP, we’d see a pattern here. So far, it sounds like you’re expected to pick up the slack for him in terms of parenting his three kids when they visit, do all the domestic chores, have no security of housing, I’d wager he controls access to money, and it also sounds like he’s isolating you from your family.

It doesn’t sound good.

@Honeycomb129

Yes the 2 year old is more 3 he’s 3 in March. And my 18 month old is technically not until November. But like I said I accept I’m in the wrong for asking

No you're not!!

Can't you see though that you looking after the existing children when she had a baby is not the same as her doing it for you now? She had a baby so the father of her older children looked after them so she could rest. That same man needs to step up and look after his older children so that YOU can rest. The fact he has 6 of them will make that harder for him, but those are the choices he has made. If your older 3 were with a different father then it would be reasonable to ask him to have them for the weekend, but that's not the situation here.

So you told him he needed to look after the kids and be an adult and he moaned? Just after you've given fucking birth? sounds like a right catch!

You need to find a way to be financially independent and get out of this relationship. Your not being a girlfriend to him, he's expecting you to mother him as well he's your eighth child well and truly.
And Please for the love of god do not have anymore children.

I’m not saying we should be commended for that I was just making it clear what we do that’s all. Like I have said we haven’t pushed them out just felt overwhelmed and tired that’s all but it’s fine hopefully he will help more and go from there if not then nothing changes and I’m still feeling shitty

No you weren't being unreasonable OP, and I do agree with you that it was rich of her to refuse this recovery time given you both gave her a week.

However, the biggest red flag here is that you are expecting to do all the cooking and cleaning when they are here, this is absolute madness! You should be doing none of it. Your partner should be doing it all, it doesn't matter that he "can't cook", he can pour a jar of sauce over some pasta, and actually he can give them bloody takeaways or ready meals if he wants to. He is their parent, when they are with you she is NOT in charge. And why would you be cleaning? What is his excuse for not doing that?

PLEASE tell me you won't succumb to doing all these things. It worries me that you don't even question that that is your reality.

But it’s not on you to be looking after his kids and cooking and cleaning. That’s on him. And presumably you knew he didn’t cook or clean before you got pregnant?

Missing the point here but how do you have a 2yo and an 18mo?

Surely that’s quite common? If you had a baby in November 2018 and a second in April 2020, you’d currently have a two year old and an 18 month old.