To wonder who will look after us in old age?

[malificent7]

I am curently a care assitant temp until my permanent job in healthcare is sorted. It is very rewarding but hard, dirty work for little money.
They are understaffed and many are leaving due to bad pay. As we are an aging population aibu to think this is going to get worse? How can we get carers to stay,?

Disclaimer...there is no way i want dd to look after me...not fair on her...i'd rather go to a home.

Depends how "bad" I am but I would want my DDs to look after me! I will look after my own mum if she requires it in the future. It's not selfish IMO it's what good families are supposed to do. However, full-time around the clock care with zero respite is different but if I just need a bit of help with showering/cooking well they can bloody well step up

If I get to a point I need care, I will be booking a one way ticket to Switzerland.

Assisted Dying will be the norm. In the meantime, I have my exit strategy planned, in advance of needing or wanting it. I can't afford Dignitas, but there are always ways.

@Youcancallmeval

If I get to a point I need care, I will be booking a one way ticket to Switzerland.

My reply was going to be "Dignitas will look after us. Coming to a city near you...."

It will be interesting to see how the assisted dying legislation develops. People need more choice.
As for care staff it really is tricky to get people to work in the sector. They need to pay people for traveling between appointments. They were discussing this on the radio the other day.

We really need assisted dying...

Also a vote for assisted dying. I wouldn't want my kids to have to look after me.

@Ledition

Depends how "bad" I am but I would want my DDs to look after me! I will look after my own mum if she requires it in the future. It's not selfish IMO it's what good families are supposed to do. However, full-time around the clock care with zero respite is different but if I just need a bit of help with showering/cooking well they can bloody well step up

I don’t expect my DS or DSS or, face it, their partners to look after me. I have seen enough dementia to know it is far from easy, it is not just moving in n a forgetful old parent, it’s dealing with accusations, aggression and physical and verbal abuse. “Good families” do not just expect their children to sacrifice their own healthy years for the sake of duty.

I think once I become a burden and loose my mind I would be already dead. I agree they will have to rethink assisted death.

The alternative is often degrading and inhumane.

Mind you saying that I have already had a conversation with my teens based around my mum choices. She is getting increasingly infirm and has lots of free cash. She keeps telling me she cant do the garden, cant do the bigger house work tasks but point blank refuses all suggestions to get around it like hiring a two weekly cleaner or once a month gardener. But refusing help she stays young in her mind ( but also falls and ends up in hospital after laying on the floor for 24 hours before calling for help).

She also now wants to move. I have told my boys they need to be very blunt if I have the capacity to help myself but refuse to. Also I will downsize or adapt my home around the time I get mobility issues. Not start thing about it when I'm almost 80.

I most definitely no not want to burden my kids

Good families” do not just expect their children to sacrifice their own healthy years for the sake of duty.

We'll have to agree to disagree here. I'm not from the UK though, my culture is much more family orientated and I would without doubt want to do this for my mum.

@IncessantNameChanger

I think once I become a burden and loose my mind I would be already dead. I agree they will have to rethink assisted death.

The alternative is often degrading and inhumane.

Mind you saying that I have already had a conversation with my teens based around my mum choices. She is getting increasingly infirm and has lots of free cash. She keeps telling me she cant do the garden, cant do the bigger house work tasks but point blank refuses all suggestions to get around it like hiring a two weekly cleaner or once a month gardener. But refusing help she stays young in her mind ( but also falls and ends up in hospital after laying on the floor for 24 hours before calling for help).

She also now wants to move. I have told my boys they need to be very blunt if I have the capacity to help myself but refuse to. Also I will downsize or adapt my home around the time I get mobility issues. Not start thing about it when I'm almost 80.

I most definitely no not want to burden my kids

I agree. Once older people get to a certain age, downsizing or moving become too big of an upheaval in their mind, both in the practical sense, and an emotional sense. Must be hard to do it at the point that you are no longer managing as you'd know it was only downhill from there. The time to do it is when it's an active choice as part of planning for the future, i.e. BEFORE you reach the point where you are desperate for the help. These things take time to sort out, especially if social services need to get involved, there is such a backlog of work.

I agree with most pp that I wouldn’t want to be a burden to my kids.

Some people would love a place like dignitas here where they can take control of their own destiny, without having ‘life’ forced upon them.

For me personally, I wouldn’t want to live until I was 100, unless I had all my faculties and was mobile and independent but the reality is, right now that wouldn’t be the case if I was 100. I wouldn’t want to just exist, I would like to have the choice that when it was enough for me, I had options.

How on earth would there be time or space for anyone to help out their ageing parents in the near future? We are all having children later. People are getting on the housing ladder later because of affordability issues. Houses are getting smaller and smaller. A 40 year old parent of a young child may well have their own parent who is already 75. At 40 years old you've got another 25 years of work ahead of you before you can afford to retire. It's impossible to balance FT work, childcare AND caring for an ageing parent with dementia, whether we'd like to or not. Later on you might have 20 something children living at home after uni because they can't afford to buy their own home. Where exactly will Granny with dementia even fit in your home, if you DID have the time to look after her?

It's a shit situation.

Another vote for assisted dying. No way would I expect my child to look after me in old age. It will inevitably be women who are expected to pick up most of the slack, and will set women’s rights back by decades. I certainly didn’t bring my daughter into the world to ultimately act as my unpaid carer.

As a pp said, we also need to be far more engaged and proactive about planning for the future, rather than hoping for the best and leaving things to chance.

@Youcancallmeval

If I get to a point I need care, I will be booking a one way ticket to Switzerland.

How old are you?

What's the most unwell/incapable you've ever been?

That's a really flippant thing to say. Easy to say when you're young & well.

We are all having children later. People are getting on the housing ladder later because of affordability issues. Houses are getting smaller and smaller. A 40 year old parent of a young child may well have their own parent who is already 75.

Exactly this. My own situation is a good example: I’m 41, with a preschool aged DD. Parents (thankfully still largely independent) are 75 and 82. Most of my friends are in the same boat. All of us expect to work to 67/68. It’s just not workable.

@Ledition

Good families” do not just expect their children to sacrifice their own healthy years for the sake of duty.

We'll have to agree to disagree here. I'm not from the UK though, my culture is much more family orientated and I would without doubt want to do this for my mum.

I don't think it's about that. I have full time job, young children and live several hours drive from my mum. How on earth would it be feasible for me to become her carer?!

My mother in law spent her last 18 months in a care home and died at 94. The family did all it could regarding fare, a0ointmenta ext until her final fall made it clear she couldn't continue at home. My own mother is now a fairly independent 90 year old. She does need some help and support but it's manageable at the moment. I'm not looking too far into the future but I hope it doesn't come to a care home.
The staff at mil's were lovely but so overworked. Keeping the old and frail clean, dressed, fed and supported with company on a long shift must have been exhausting yet they were paid minimum wage.
They need a much bigger wage for what they do, more respect and a proper career path or they are going to leave in droves. Who would want the work and responsibility for the same wage as working on the checkout at Tesco?

Assisted dying is so difficult. When do you decide? Dm has dementia and is simultaneously both quite content and comfortable, yet quite disoriented. I imagine by the time she has no quality of life she will be too ill to consent. And if it's set out in advance, who makes the call as to when to pull the plug? It's not as easy as just saying 'I'll call dignitas".

It seems easier in cases where physically someone declines but can still make sound judgements, rather than mental decline, and presumably dementia is the main factor in people needing care.

Those saying assisted dying - it’s quite a jump from needing help with cooking or washing to that! I favour people with severe terminal illness having that choice but it frightens me that this is already bandied around as a societal solution.
In my experience people do want to continue living often far past the point where they’ve previously said they would. I think it’s absolutely natural to do this. This discussion should be about how care can be provided and care workers valued.

All these rather flippant comments about assisted dying terrify me

Sadly, I think it will come in, due to lack of finances

And initially it will be for extreme / ckearcut cases

And then it will be watered down

And you may not feel so relaxed then

We should be supporting this elderly/ infirm, not killing them off

When my Mum was dying of cancer in her 80's between me and my 4 sisters we could all help to care for Mum. I was teaching and gave up my job. We all moved back in with Mum. It was hard and only doable because there were 5 of us doing night and day shifts and we knew it was only going to be about 3 months. In the end only 7 weeks. I would not want my dd or 2 ds's to have to do those things for me. Oddly I would not mind DH caring for me if he was up to it. I agree care workers should have pay doubled and it would still not be enough.

@notanothertakeaway

All these rather flippant comments about assisted dying terrify me

Sadly, I think it will come in, due to lack of finances

And initially it will be for extreme / ckearcut cases

And then it will be watered down

And you may not feel so relaxed then

We should be supporting this elderly/ infirm, not killing them off

Stop being dramatic! For everyone one person that thinks it’s a terrible idea, another person thinks it’s a great idea.

The point is, it should be a choice if someone wants to go down that route. No one is suggesting it’s forced on anyone but it shouldn’t not be an option, because some people disagree with it!

@Ledition do your DDs work? If so, how would that fit round your care? Do you have sons? Is it only the females who have to do the caring in your culture?

@Ledition

Depends how "bad" I am but I would want my DDs to look after me! I will look after my own mum if she requires it in the future. It's not selfish IMO it's what good families are supposed to do. However, full-time around the clock care with zero respite is different but if I just need a bit of help with showering/cooking well they can bloody well step up

There's two of us then! My grandmother cared for her mother in her home until death. My mother and aunt cared for their father and mother (gran lived to be 104). They died in her home. I took care of my mother and aunt (childless, lived to 103) both died at home. I raised three children, worked full time and lived nextdoor to my mother and aunt. I did not think of it as a "sacrifice". It is what families do. At least, our family. One of my daughters has, of her own choice, bought a house one street over from mine. I suspect they have talked about it among themselves. I will be as independent as I can for as long as I can and when I can't I hope they will be there.