I know this isn't very nice but I can't help it ...

[retroginglass]

I live very near my mum. I go and see her on a Saturday and phone ever day. Without doubt she will moan about not sleeping a wink (almost every night - she is a medical marvel), not feeling well or something. It is constant. She is now nearly 80 but this has been going on for as long as I can remember. I am so tired of listening to the constant moaning. My grown up children all visit her all the time so she is not lonely. They also phone her nearly every day. If we go out for lunch she will invariably moan about the place, the noise or something. Her latest gripe is politics and honestly the ranting and raving is getting me down. If I say I'm feeling under the weather she is ten times worse. I know she is attention seeking and my kids can just about bear it she is driving me mad. Any advice?

My mum is the exact same! Always has been.

Id be honest, tell her to stop moaning as you’re all getting fed up and she’s unpleasant to be around. She’s very lucky that your kids still bother with her, plenty wouldn’t.

Don’t underestimate quite how much dealing with this every day can get you down. If she continues, I would at least reduce my contact for my own mental health. After putting up with awful behaviour for years from relatives just because we were relatives, I decided years ago to stop putting up with people who brought so much negativity to everything so I don’t really tolerate shit like this.

I think they call this emotional vomiting OP.
When you see or speak to her, she offloads all her angst and worries on to you.
You leave, worn out and exhausted, she feels loads better for having offloaded.
You could try the " get your happy head out Mother 'cos you're depressing me" approach or, reduce contact to save your sanity.
Good luck.

Mine is similar, I just poke a little fun sometimes..ok mum time to say something positive about the place!
Here we go Mrs Moany , so much to complain about !
A lot of the time she doesn't realise she is doing it because that's just her way of conversing, so it's like I need to remind her

I wouldn't be able to help myself being quite sarky. "Still, mustn't grumble, eh?" 😇

'Oh, that's a pity.
..
Have you been watching Strictly?'

Why are you phoning her every day? Take some of the pressure off yourself.

She's been doing this for donkey's years and she is now 80. I highly doubt that anything will change if you challenge her on it.

I would either make a joke like "oh yeah, we know mum, you're always banging on about how ill you are" and laugh, or just completely ignore her when she says things like that.

Do you not say anything to her?

I’m firm with my mum when she’s like this, so as a result she does it less. Whereas my siblings don’t say anything to her about it but spend much less time with her.

My mum was the same. Never asked about me, I was a sounding board. I wondered if she was depressed, but she dismissed it as rubbish. It was draining. She had age related aches and pains but she was so negative about everything

When she went to the GP - I would say, make a list and it was 'he never mentioned my balance or my sleeping' I would ask 'Did you tell him?' She would reply 'Well you can see by looking at me'. I could not convince her that he was a GP not a mind reader.

My mum now has Alzheimers and is in a home. On her good days she says to me - I was so happy there. What! She moaned and moaned about the house and the neighbours for 20 years. My friend looks in on her 83 year old Uncle and recently took two days off work to organise electricians, tilers/plumbers to install a sit down safety shower for him. At the end of it he said she had inflicted was the worst two days of his life on him. He didn't have to do a thing - she had been there every second, organised everything even tea and biscuits for everyone.

You and your family are doing your best - more than some. But I think you have to accept your best will never be good enough. If she doesn't enjoy moaning then she has got into a moaning rut. My only suggestion would be deep breath before the call. Try and change the subject when one subject goes on too long - if only to get her to moan about something else.

Good luck OP - it's not you, it's her.

Mine's the same...quite honestly I largely zone out these days.

I love my mum but they do your head in, don't they? My mums started saying, hurry up, to everything. We were watching Corrie the other night and 2 characters were having a conversation and she started shouting, hurry up. She does it to me when I'm cooking her tea, walking her dog, cleaning her house! She won't stop it so I just ignore her and chat to the dog. He's gorgeous and my consolation for going.

My MIL is like this. My DH hates going to see her now.

I think I'd try the slight jokey approach too -- alright you get five moans but then you have to tell me something you enjoyed on tv or something that's made you giggle. A bit like kids who don't answer when you ask if they've had a good day so you ask them to tell you if something funny happened that day instead, can often trigger a better conversation

Can very much relate. Been like it for as long as I can remember. I have no useful advice that hasn’t already been shared but wanted to add my solidarity. It’s hard work. I sometimes want to shout ‘you are the bloody parent not the child!’ But it’s about 40 years too late to do that. Even in my darkest moment and going through a major trauma I ended up counselling and reassuring her. I ended up NC for a while at that point and let DH speak to her and update her. It was too draining.

It’s an age thing.

My mum's always been like this too - ever since I was a child. It's her default setting.

@madisonbridges that behaviour actually sounds a little worrying. I would be wondering about dementia.

It’s not always an age thing though is it Takeme2.
Most people on here say their mums have been like this as long as they can remember
It’s probably too late to challenge and change them now.
We’ve all been too tolerant for too long !

Agree it’s an age thing. My mum is happy as Larry- but in chronic pain. My FIL is a pita, has good health etc but would moan if he won the lottery. So draining. I change the subject.

It’s an age thing with my mum, most of her life she was positive and supportive but now at 84 with little in her life she bitches and moans about everything. DD works in a hospital, she says sadly many older people become bitter and nasty in old age, for no obvious reason.

My mum is and always has been the exact opposite. She will never ever admit to being ill and no one else is "allowed" to be ill. She doesn't seem to believe in illness.

Dad is a proper hypochondriac and they bicker over whether he's ill constantly

[quote PieMistee]@madisonbridges that behaviour actually sounds a little worrying. I would be wondering about dementia.[/quote]
Aw, thank you for being so kind. Yes, I should have said that she has dementia. This is why I haven't beaten her to death with my shoe! Lol. I love her but it's very tiring. Thank you.