I know this isn't very nice but I can't help it ...

[retroginglass]

I live very near my mum. I go and see her on a Saturday and phone ever day. Without doubt she will moan about not sleeping a wink (almost every night - she is a medical marvel), not feeling well or something. It is constant. She is now nearly 80 but this has been going on for as long as I can remember. I am so tired of listening to the constant moaning. My grown up children all visit her all the time so she is not lonely. They also phone her nearly every day. If we go out for lunch she will invariably moan about the place, the noise or something. Her latest gripe is politics and honestly the ranting and raving is getting me down. If I say I'm feeling under the weather she is ten times worse. I know she is attention seeking and my kids can just about bear it she is driving me mad. Any advice?

My gran-in-law is like this and it puts such a strain on my DH's relationship. When you phone or visit she spends the entire time complaining no one phones or visits. What are we, lemons? Then it's the neighbours being disrespectful in some way, how she never goes anywhere (despite the fact it takes us ages to find a time to visit because she's always out) and how she can't work her TV and nobody will show her how (we have, plus written notes and we KNOW she can use it because we have seen her)
It's pure attention seeking.

I can see my MIL starting to take on some of the characteristics too which is awful as I have a good relationship generally with MIL. I'm a real cup full person and I find it so wearing to be around so you have my sympathy OP. I generally either joking tell her she's depressing me, DH tells her she's sounding more like her mom (GIL) every day (which she hates) or I snap and tell her she needs to take more agency in her life. That doesn't happen often but I do have my limit.

Lol, sorry but I can't help laughing at all of you moaning about loved ones moaning ☺

My mother is the same.
She has always been like this, so not sure it is an age thing- I am quite old myself!
She moans about everthing- bad mouths her friends, weather is too hot, too cold- we live together which makes it all the more difficult.

One mrning this week it was cold, misty- a stunning morning. The autumn sun was just breaking through the fog. Woods outside the window ( I live in a rural area) were blanketed in fog. I lit a candle, put on some soft music and enjoyed the stunning morning as I watched birds and drank my coffe. I basked in the early morning scene, listening to birds and noticing the beautiful golden colours of the trees.
My mother came barging in- "Well that's all we need!- I hate this, who needs fog. What a horrible day. Disgusting weather. I can't stand this time of year"

My mum is starting to edge into this....and she's only 70, no money problems, physically healthy, has family around and me right around the corner. Is it terrible that something I think 'Good lord woman, count your blessings'! Maybe it is age....I mean you can be healthy in old age but I suppose you'd still feel yourself not as strong or with the stamina you once had, it must be depressing.

My grandma is 90 and has been like this for years. She’s incapable of talking about anything but herself and how unhappy she is, including the inevitable contradictory statements about how much happier she was on previous occasions (during which I know she spent the entire time complaining about how unhappy she is). I’m not even sure she knows my husband’s name because she cares so little about anyone but herself. She’s not going to chance so I just try not to let it get to me and minimise contact (not hard now as I live on the other side of the country).

I know what you mean OP. I have a relative that I speak to every day for about 45 mins and when I get off the phone I am exhausted and emotionally battered having been listening to the negativity and every twinge and ailment they have despite being very fit and healthy.

No one ever asks about me and last week I ended up in A&E on an ECG which I'm still not sure what was all about, but I don't think the constant stress, workload, and menopause help.

There were a few things in my blood work that aren't good and as of today I am saying NO MORE. I need to be here for my DC.

One thing I do is call them when I am doing something so I only half hear it and I am not spending 45 just listening e.g. round Tesco, walking the dog, waiting outside the school for my DC so that the time is not dead.

One thing I do is call them when I am doing something so I only half hear it and I am not spending 45 just listening e.g. round Tesco, walking the dog, waiting outside the school for my DC so that the time is not dead.

@AddictedToLuv that's smart! Might borrow this idea

My mum is the same OP. After my Dad died we spent more time together and the moaning really got me down. I tried changing the subject and tried to make a joke about it - but nothing worked. One day I said to her "Of course things don't feel good because you never see the positive side in anything. Personally I try to see the best in most situations". She improved after that but I know to her other friends she constantly complains!

No advice but I hear you! My mum's the same and always has been - she never has a good word to say about anyone or anything, always needs to be the centre of attention, demands sympathy but has none for anyone else and develops remarkably short-lived health issues whenever she feels she isn't getting enough attention. I don't remember my grandmothers being so negative and needy.

Just tell her? It'll cause a bit of a row but at least once it's out there it might make her think twice before she starts her waffling, ranting and whingeing.

My mother is the same. Also a terrible attention seeker over all her aches and pains and woes, which are always much worse than anyone else's - she has always has been like it.

I've cut the contact right down because she has started getting all arsey and huffy if I disagree with any of her views and accuses me of 'dismissing her as stupid.' I never say or imply anything of the sort but she's a bit of a victimy narc and hugely oversensitive, so she can't tell the difference between my right to politely disagree with her point of view on certain subjects, and me bullying her or talking down to her.

If I don't nod along appreciatively and act like some pom-pom waving cheerleader lapping her up every word I'm being unkind apparently.

It's got to the point where I don't engage now, just stare blankly at her and stay silent when she tries to draw me into a conversation on certain topics. I know she'll get the hump if I say anything that contradicts her view, so what's the point? I let her say what she wants to say then I leave it hanging there until she eventually gets uncomfortable and changes the subject. It works a treat.

@speakout that sounds a lovely morning. My ex , who was a grumpy old man in training, would have said the same as your mum. He was a real joysucker . I have recently found myself moaning about parking where I live . I must stop it

My Mum is like this, always has been.
Sucks the joy out of everything.

HeartvsBrain

Lol, sorry but I can't help laughing at all of you moaning about loved ones moaning ☺

That made me laugh out loud. You are so right! But do you know what? It feels good to let it out once in a while! It feels really freeing.

My brorhers' nan is the same op, no-one can stand to be around her. There grandad died recently and was in and out of hospital, he said he didn't want to go home because of her, she just worm him down. Unfortunately there's no telling them, only thing you can do is distance yourself a bit

My dad is like this.
He is practically a hermit in his house, Covid made it worse, so I get all the moans about the neighb7and the government.
It’s exhausting, but it won’t get any better. Reduce contact is the only way forward.

AddictedToLuv

How are you now OP? That sounds a bit scary. Hope you are ok.

Am totally going to steal your idea of calling when doing something else!

My DM is the same, I shamefully admit at times I avoid contact if I don’t feel I can cope with it that day. The moaning and negativity is non stop and she has been like it for as long as I can remember. She will make comments about everything even when I’m driving if I give way to someone and she doesn’t see them thank me, I’m permanently on edge around her as she really could start a fight in an empty room! You cannot talk about anything “nice or positive” that is of no interest to her she will steer the conversation to the most negative things possible ie a neighbour who has upset her or a relative that said the wrong thing years ago (she lets nothing go) she literally will suck the joy out of everything. She is very hard to be around and cope with.

I couldnt bear talking to the same person (even if my own mother) every single day. That alone would put a strain on the relationship, no matter how lovely the person may be. Can you not reduce your calls to 1-2 a week?

Mine is exactly the same and gets worse as she gets older. Totally self absorbed.

My Nan was the same. I expect it will happen to me. We like to think it won't but it will - I work with old people, 90% the same.

I needed to read this this morning. My mum is exactly the same: negative, needy and emotionally draining. She's widowed and I'm her only child and sometimes it's all too much. The support has really started to be one-way too, I never get a chance to let off steam to her. We speak every day and she even comes on holiday with us, but I feel guilty if I ever try to exclude her from anything.
No advice for anyone, but good to know I'm not alone.

I dont agree its an age thing. I looked after my mum, she died at 85. She never moaned, genuinely never moaned. But my sister said she moaned at her. My sister couldn't wind up Mother Theresa. I got on better with mum. So i think its a people thing, not an age thing. Posters here are saying the moany person has always been like that. Eg moany when they were younger too. So thats not age.

DH's grandparent is the same. It's gotten worse with age. She hates not being center of attention. She wants people running round after her all the time yet she says horrific things about her closest family members Calls them fat, greedy, everyone's after her money and food. I took a step back because I couldn't listen to it anymore . DH hates going in there . She's wondering why none of her adult grandchildren visit much anymore. These are all lovely people btw , they don't do any of the things she says .
My poor MIL bares the brunt of it all. If MIL is a little bit ill then gran is bed ridden the next day. Once MIL had a bad tummy , she didn't elaborate , but next day gran was complaining of having a worse tummy than MIL. MIL then said her tummy was bad from a dodgy Chinese not a bug ..then gran gets upset and says MIL is being horrible 🙈

I sympathise with you OP, 100% .

Sorry i meant COULD wind up

it is not an age thing.
my dm rarely moans.
no doubt your dm has been like this all her life, she is a glass half empty person

bright and breezy, tune her out op, keep up the positive comments, dont get sucked in, she is just off loading