I know this isn't very nice but I can't help it ...

[retroginglass]

I live very near my mum. I go and see her on a Saturday and phone ever day. Without doubt she will moan about not sleeping a wink (almost every night - she is a medical marvel), not feeling well or something. It is constant. She is now nearly 80 but this has been going on for as long as I can remember. I am so tired of listening to the constant moaning. My grown up children all visit her all the time so she is not lonely. They also phone her nearly every day. If we go out for lunch she will invariably moan about the place, the noise or something. Her latest gripe is politics and honestly the ranting and raving is getting me down. If I say I'm feeling under the weather she is ten times worse. I know she is attention seeking and my kids can just about bear it she is driving me mad. Any advice?

Eggshausted

That is my mother too!!
She will find ways to criticise- even looking out of the window- "look at that woman's jacket- who does she think she is"- " Look at thet fat man- does he know how he looks" " Look at that neighbour out weeding again- has he nothing better to do" - the last example was a man who lost his wife 6 months ago, and she is fully aware of that. Last week she was impersonating an elderly man, unsteady on his feet and walking with a stick.
I just don;t think she know she is saying these things.

We had the same thing with my MIL until the day she died (2 weeks ago aged 90). We saw her every week and rang her every day. My DH ended up in hospital very ill from it. We had to limit our exposure to her poison (it was always with a nasty dig at us) as nothing we did ever made her happy or content or pleasant to be with. She sucked us dry of all joy and energy and we called her the "Dementer".
LIMIT EXPOSURE. When she started on the spite on the phone, we cut her short by saying, "I love you very much but you are not being nice. I will ring back when you are in a better mood." Then we rang off without letting her go on any more. She didn't learn from it, but we were saved from hearing any more and we knew that whatever happened, the last thing she had heard from us was "I love you".

@speakout

Eggshausted

That is my mother too!!
She will find ways to criticise- even looking out of the window- "look at that woman's jacket- who does she think she is"- " Look at thet fat man- does he know how he looks" " Look at that neighbour out weeding again- has he nothing better to do" - the last example was a man who lost his wife 6 months ago, and she is fully aware of that. Last week she was impersonating an elderly man, unsteady on his feet and walking with a stick.
I just don;t think she know she is saying these things.

I’ve noticed this! My mum and aunt are both generally nice and not whingy, but they think nothing of remarking snidely on strangers being “fat” or “frumpy”. I really don’t like it!

My Mum NEVER moaned or complained, even when she was dying and had plenty to moan about. She was always sunshine on a rainy day.
My Dad on the other hand never stops moaning about everything and is completely draining. He is a black cloud looming over everyone in the room. Now that my Mum has passed, he is even worse, the sun will never shine again.

Also, IT'S NOT AN AGE THING

Oh OP my mum is exactly the same. Moans constantly and everyone is an idiot. About a year ago I told her she wasn’t welcome because of the negativity and sulked for a few weeks. Then I got a text saying she knew I was right, she would change. She did, for about a week. We avoid her because it’s too much, it’s draining and miserable.

Haven't read them all so apologies if some one has already said it
" and Good moaning to you all"
as the policeman said in Allo Allo

Yes, I have some excellent advice:

Next time she starts in, simply say, STOP. Then say, “We’re all sick to death of your constant whinging!”

It’ll take courage, and you’ll suffer the fallout, but the truth hurts. Tell her that, too.

You could also tell her that there are so very many things in this world to appreciate and be grateful for.

Be brave.

I think it’s when the menopause happens. Hormonal changes then the moaning sets in.

I find people who martyred themselves for their DH/kids etc are more likely to end up moaning in old age. Bitterness sets in when they realise the trips/things/experiences they could’ve/would’ve/should’ve taken have no chance of happening now and even if they did it wouldn’t be the same as if they were 30 years younger.

It’s part realising you’re life is almost over and a lot of dreams were unfulfilled. The people you’ve sacrificed everything for are now busy living their own lives. It must be hard.

I think it’s when the menopause happens. Hormonal changes then the moaning sets in.

*I find people who martyred themselves for their DH/kids etc are more likely to end up moaning in old age. Bitterness sets in when they realise the trips/things/experiences they could’ve/would’ve/should’ve taken have no chance of happening now and even if they did it wouldn’t be the same as if they were 30 years younger.

It’s part realising you’re life is almost over and a lot of dreams were unfulfilled. The people you’ve sacrificed everything for are now busy living their own lives. It must be hard.*

Two horrribly misogynistic and ageist posts.

My mother used to be like this for a while. I actually said to her that I couldn’t deal with all the negativity from her. She seemed quite shocked and had made an effort not to do it so much. It’s loneliness and boredom I think. Also they have conversations in their own head which are very negative, so they start to voice these thoughts in person without thinking. I would reduce contact and change the subject whenever possible.

How was my post ageist? The OP and all the PPs are talking about elderly people so of course replies will be discussing whether it’s related to age. I was suggesting that a possible cause could be bitterness when you realise you’ve not fulfilled your dreams and that you won’t get another chance. How is that ageist? Not all the moaners will have dementia so there will be other reasons and wistfulness and bitterness is a probably explanation.

I know my own DM (80) is full of regrets and often vocal in her in bitterness about the things she feels she missed out on.

I don’t think it’s regret. Often people who moan have loved having a family.

I think it’s being lonely and unnecessary . It must be awful to spend every day by yourself and know that calls and visits are a “duty” and not because someone needs you or values your company. Of course then it becomes a vicious circle as the more insular and grumpy you become, the less others want to be with you.

I do notice a top trumps amongst older people of how much grandchild involvement they have, with inevitably those who don’t see their families much feeling like a pile of crap.

It's not an age thing here. My mother is like this and she is in her late fifties! (I'm in my thirties).

She moans and complains about everything. The only thing she's ever positive about is my children who she adores. It's not health with my mum (as she's healthy-ish though drinks and smokes far too much - all hidden and denied though). It's work. She goes into long and rambling anecdotes about her work and horrible (I expect they're not horrible at all) colleagues in excruciating long detail most of which isn't relevant to the actual point in a very 'then I said, then she said, then I said' etc etc way. It is so boring. I end up zoning out and just saying 'hmmm' all the time. Then I'm unsupportive.

Woe betide if I ever moan about anything though! I've two small children, who of whole has SEN and my life is relentless. I try hard to be positive though and not whinge but if I say anything negative, ever, then I'm reminded heavily that she was a single parent to me the most difficult child who ever walked the earth, apparently.

She is old. Her control has been taken away as she is now dependent on others. Maybe she wants more time to herself but doesn't know how to ask. If she asks, she will be seen as ungrateful. Try backing off for 3 months. May make a difference!

@DottyHarmer

I don’t think it’s regret. Often people who moan have loved having a family.

I think it’s being lonely and unnecessary . It must be awful to spend every day by yourself and know that calls and visits are a “duty” and not because someone needs you or values your company. Of course then it becomes a vicious circle as the more insular and grumpy you become, the less others want to be with you.

I do notice a top trumps amongst older people of how much grandchild involvement they have, with inevitably those who don’t see their families much feeling like a pile of crap.

I agree with this.

This is my mother to a T. For as long as I can remember she’s been negative. Nothing has ever been right. Looking back, I think she was depressed to begin with. But, back in the 1980s, that didn’t seem to be acknowledged. It feels like she’s in that vicious circle now. I don’t discuss her ailments unless I really need to (much to my dad’s annoyance. He thinks I’m being mean) I certainly don’t share when I’m feeling rotten because she’s always had the same but much, much worse. I have tried to deal with this in the past with either ‘when you say/do x, I feel y. Absolutely no result. I gave up.

I agree no changing them. I dont think my mam factors in traffic either that I cant be out aĺl day. You can only do what you can

Good point @DottyHarmer

The old people I know need to feel useful to be happy. Either by caring for someone (grand children), volunteering or work

My aunt worked until she was 80, “only” 3 afternoons a week but it gave her so much energy, her employer always really appreciated her. It was a lifeline (that was taken away by covid of course…).

My neighbour is 85 and works 2 days a week at the sailing club fixing old boats. It keeps him going

I think it must be the same for most people, whatever age, the need to be needed and appreciated

@Fluffmum

I think it’s when the menopause happens. Hormonal changes then the moaning sets in.

Nope I'm through it. Nothing to do with it as I'm a proper little ray of sunshine

TeeTotaller1 I'm the same!
No one told me how good I would feel after the menopause.
No longer a victim of roller coaster hormones I have never felt so calm, steady and grateful.
This mornig the wind is howling, rain battering from the window, a stunning azure blue sunrise, simply beautiful, a stunning start to November and a new phase of the year.
Excited to be off to my yoga class this morning once I have finished my Java and done my 10 minute meditation for morning joy.

‘I’ve noticed this! My mum and aunt are both generally nice and not whingy, but they think nothing of remarking snidely on strangers being “fat” or “frumpy”. I really don’t like it!’

My mum has always been a sweetheart but will insist on making loud comments about people within their hearing.
I took her for her flu jab and a man waiting near us was in his work overalls. ‘What a dirty man!’ trilled mum loudly. It’s embarrassing 😳

My mum and aunt are both generally nice

The don’t sound very ‘nice’ to me, they sound vile.

I'm shocked by the amount of contact some of you have with people, it sounds exhausting. Me and my mum exchange a few texts every few days, lots of love there. I could not handle long daily chats even if they are the best person ever.

my mother is an extremely negative and self-centred person. Always has been. We are very low contact and live a very long way from her as she sucks the joy out of everything.