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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know this isn't very nice but I can't help it ...

308 replies

retroginglass · 22/10/2021 17:39

I live very near my mum. I go and see her on a Saturday and phone ever day. Without doubt she will moan about not sleeping a wink (almost every night - she is a medical marvel), not feeling well or something. It is constant. She is now nearly 80 but this has been going on for as long as I can remember. I am so tired of listening to the constant moaning. My grown up children all visit her all the time so she is not lonely. They also phone her nearly every day. If we go out for lunch she will invariably moan about the place, the noise or something. Her latest gripe is politics and honestly the ranting and raving is getting me down. If I say I'm feeling under the weather she is ten times worse. I know she is attention seeking and my kids can just about bear it she is driving me mad. Any advice?

OP posts:

ssd · 23/10/2021 08:16

Btw. Theres an elderly parents section on mn, i think its under the topic of other things....i started it years ago when i was looking after mum. Its to meet like minded souls when you're struggling with elderly parents.

speakupattheback · 23/10/2021 08:17

Try listening and giving a shit?

FrankButchersDickieBow · 23/10/2021 08:18

@TakeMe2Insanity

It’s an age thing.

Ahh didn't take long for ageism to rear its very ugly head.

If you read the post, OP says her mum has been like this for years, so nothing to do with her age.

My mum is 76 and very sprightly, never moans about her aches and pains. She has arthritis in her skull, her husband is 72 and having immunotherapy for cancer and guess what, they don't moan, despite their age, so fuck right off with 'it's an age thing'.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 23/10/2021 08:19

does she have hobbies op?

GillBiggeloesHair · 23/10/2021 08:20

It's not an age thing, my Mum has always been like this.

Thisismyrecipe · 23/10/2021 08:26

@50ShadesOfCatholic

She isn't going to change. I would just reduce my contact with her. Frankly I couldn't bear any contact but if there are things you like about her perhaps you could stay in touch but see less of her. Therws something about a lot of women of that age. My theory is that they didn't have much voice or respect as young women and were conditioned to do what was expected rather than make active choices. And they have coped by whining rather than taking control of their lives.

Yep, I think there's something to this! My grandad wasn't a very nice man, very manipulative and controlling & never let her have a voice. I know my nan always used to moan about how ill she was, how everything was so bad for her. Problem was because she cried wolf for the large majority of her elderly life, when something really was wrong nobody believed her. It was actually a shock to all of us when she died.

SunShinesBrightly · 23/10/2021 08:28

Get in there first.
Complain about absolutely everything listing every single irritating thing you can think of from the moment you wake up. The weather, having to drive to work, washing piling up, feeling tired, having to listen to other people’s problems, untidy house, jobs that need doing, having no money...
A few days of this and the penny might drop.

2Two · 23/10/2021 08:29

FFS, can we wind down the ageism, people? Moaning isn't the sole province of older people, and there are plenty of older people who live happy, fulfilled lives.

madisonbridges · 23/10/2021 08:29

@FrankButchersDickieBow. My mum didn't moan at 76. She has a heart condition and anxiety but she never moaned about but go on with her life, getting out and about. She's now 86. And she moans quite a lot - although still not about her health. I can tell her to stop moaning and she laughs and does for a while but she'll soon start again. She can't help herself.
Hopefully your mum will be different but honestly many do change as they go through their 80s.

speakout · 23/10/2021 08:34

Not sure about the age thing- more of a generational thing.
My mother has always been a moaner- as are most of her friends.
Misery unites them.
I remember as a child my mother and her friends sharing misery.

Dahliadelight · 23/10/2021 08:34

My gran-in-law is like this and it puts such a strain on my DH's relationship. When you phone or visit she spends the entire time complaining no one phones or visits. What are we, lemons? Then it's the neighbours being disrespectful in some way, how she never goes anywhere (despite the fact it takes us ages to find a time to visit because she's always out) and how she can't work her TV and nobody will show her how (we have, plus written notes and we KNOW she can use it because we have seen her) It's pure attention seeking.*

My grandma was exactly like this. She died a few years ago aged 86, but had been like this my whole like. I was quite scared of her as a child as she would really rant and rail about everything. She couldn’t get on with hardly anyone. She’d had a hard childhood (poverty and neglect), and I think she couldn’t move past it. However, hearing the same complaints about literally everyone she ever met did get tiring.

I call my dad and he’s not moany as such, but it is a list of ailments so I do the trick of having him on speakerphone and hanging the washing.

Happymum12345 · 23/10/2021 08:35

I don’t think it is an age thing if she’s been like it for years. Young people moan about their lack of sleep, their ailments and the world generally. People don’t tend to change.
I would be sympathetic up to a point then change the conversation or leave. It’s so difficult and I feel for you op.

cooldarkroom · 23/10/2021 08:37

My mother, who was paraplegic at the end after nearly 50 years of MS never complained.
My MIL however is constantly complaining about her health, how she is lonely, every single sentence is misery.
I give her both barrels, she is in good health for her age, & does nothing to help herself, has a minimum of 6 visits a day, between family & paid help ( that she barely needs)
She is also an awful gossip
I now visit her rarely, & so she complains, (H goes constantly)
I tell her I dont visit because she is not interested in anything other than her fictive health problems, & we can't chat, because she will then tell the whole village & its dog about my family & my life, which is PRIVATE.
Many years ago she was the nicest gentlest loving woman. I even remember saying, when the tine comes I would have her living with us 😮

Lostmarbles2021 · 23/10/2021 08:38

This isn’t an age thing. It really isn’t.

Although, it is true that our dominant thinking patterns can get more ‘concentrated’ as we get older. We use the well trodden neural pathways more readily if we aren’t actively trying to change. We can change them - it just takes more effort than when we were younger.

I remember my mum being like this in her 30s when I was a teenager. My DH’s grandmother was the total opposite - always looking on the bright side, thinking of others, right up into her 90s. It was a very rare occurrence she’d say anything negative despite having numerous challenges and traumas over the years.

BeyondMyWits · 23/10/2021 08:38

It is not an age thing... it might be genetic though....

My MIL, dh and one dd are all joy suckers, nothing is good enough, nothing is even just "fine". We went for a meal when we went to the Harry Potter studio tour. Had pulled pork baguettes... they were delicious... unctuous, tender, beautifully done.
Mine was great, delicious pork, fresh bread, just the right balance of pork and salad and sauce.
Mil said "too much filling, how the heck am I expected to eat that", "too loud in here", "my fork is dirty"(water marks)
Dh said, "not very hot is it", "why don't they have more tables"
Dd said "the bread is too crusty, I don't like it that hard"
Other dd and myself said "that was delicious, hit the spot, what a lovely lunch"

lazyarse123 · 23/10/2021 08:39

@speakupattheback

Try listening and giving a shit?

Op is listening that's pretty much the point and if she didn't give a shit she wouldn't ring every day and visit once a week. What's up is your empathy button not working?

ssd · 23/10/2021 08:39

I dont like the calls never to discuss age. People do change as they get older, those of us who have cared for elderly parents know this far too well. And life gets harder as we get older and some people will moan more. And some wont. But to say oh we cant discuss this as its ageism is taking away the fact people can change as they age.
There's millions of threads on babies and why they cry, some people say oh my ds cried a lot at that age...but no one comes on and says ffs stop with the ageism.
People get old, theres nothing wrong with discussing what happens when we age. The cries of ageism feels like the shutting down of debate, or chat in this case. And thats wrong. Sometimes when your parents or relatives are older you need somewhere to chat and off load yourself about the difficulties. And mn is perfect for that. So no more cries of ageism on a thread about an older mum please, the op doesn't need that, she's not slagging off her mum, shes just struggling with her a bit.

Lostmarbles2021 · 23/10/2021 08:43

speakupattheback

Try listening and giving a shit?

I don’t think that’s helpful. You don’t know how much the OP does. I listen at length to my mum but it’s a bottomless pit. My energy just gets drained so I HAVE to avoid it sometimes. It’s very easy to get burnt out by this kind of thing if you don’t look after yourself.

madisonbridges · 23/10/2021 08:43

@ssd. Well said. 👏

Phobiaphobic · 23/10/2021 08:48

@Avarua

My theory is that they didn't have much voice or respect as young women and were conditioned to do what was expected rather than make active choices. And they have coped by whining rather than taking control of their lives.

Rings true.

Exactly this. It's a form of passive aggression.

2Two · 23/10/2021 08:48

I dont like the calls never to discuss age

No one is saying don't discuss age, any more than we might say don't discuss race, disability etc. The point is to think a bit before making these sweeping pejorative generalisations. As this thread illustrates, moaning definitely is not the sole province of elderly people, nor are all old people moaners.

Shoobydooer · 23/10/2021 08:49

My grandad is the same and to be honest I know how lonely and down he is about things so just let him talk. I've heard the same stories so many times anyway I do zone out or start doing chores at the same time. It's not always bad and I don't begrudge him but his worst he makes me think of Colin Robinson the energy vampire off What We Do in the Shadows. I mean, that would explain everything

Phobiaphobic · 23/10/2021 08:51

@speakupattheback Try shutting up and having a bit more empathy yourself.

icedcoffees · 23/10/2021 08:52

I don't think it's an age thing, I think it's a personality thing. And I think it also depends on their relationship with the person on the receiving end

My grandma used to moan but only to one child as the other wouldn't tolerate it anywhere here near as much and was much firmer with her.

londonrach · 23/10/2021 08:53

Yes I totally understand how you feel..my mum was always abit like that but getting worse as getting older and my gran was too.... I learn to just listen and think of something else and say yes occasionally...my attempt to make it positive I was told I was being rude and we should go NC....I was tempted to say yes to that but you only get one mum so I'm happy to do the listen dance as she does do alot of positive s too.... It's hard op so totally understand how you feeling x

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