I know this isn't very nice but I can't help it ...

[retroginglass]

I live very near my mum. I go and see her on a Saturday and phone ever day. Without doubt she will moan about not sleeping a wink (almost every night - she is a medical marvel), not feeling well or something. It is constant. She is now nearly 80 but this has been going on for as long as I can remember. I am so tired of listening to the constant moaning. My grown up children all visit her all the time so she is not lonely. They also phone her nearly every day. If we go out for lunch she will invariably moan about the place, the noise or something. Her latest gripe is politics and honestly the ranting and raving is getting me down. If I say I'm feeling under the weather she is ten times worse. I know she is attention seeking and my kids can just about bear it she is driving me mad. Any advice?

@ssd

I dont like the calls never to discuss age. People do change as they get older, those of us who have cared for elderly parents know this far too well. And life gets harder as we get older and some people will moan more. And some wont. But to say oh we cant discuss this as its ageism is taking away the fact people can change as they age. There's millions of threads on babies and why they cry, some people say oh my ds cried a lot at that age...but no one comes on and says ffs stop with the ageism. People get old, theres nothing wrong with discussing what happens when we age. The cries of ageism feels like the shutting down of debate, or chat in this case. And thats wrong. Sometimes when your parents or relatives are older you need somewhere to chat and off load yourself about the difficulties. And mn is perfect for that. So no more cries of ageism on a thread about an older mum please, the op doesn't need that, she's not slagging off her mum, shes just struggling with her a bit.

Agreed. For many older people, complaining can be a way to get and hold attention when they’re feeling more isolated. I do believe age is frequently a factor - although of course it would be wrong to suggest that all older people are moaners.

My MIL is like this. She complained about her previous neighbours, then about her new neighbours when she moved, and always about her friends. I’ve noticed she often complains to us instead of setting healthy boundaries with her friends and neighbours and telling them when they’re taking the piss.

My mother used to be like it. Every single ailment that I had was about her. For example, I got a blow by blow account of her pregnancies and childbirth whilst pregnant and I’d already heard it all before. Several times. Starting from when I was 10. She just ramped it up. Nothing was my province. She always had it worse.

She now, finally, leaves it alone as she cannot compete with me as I am far iller than she, in far more pain and she’s finally accepted that. After years and years of it being about her, it’s about me. Only because my life is governed by my health and lack of energy… not an easy solution though. And the intervening years, when I was so ill and she hadn’t yet accepted it were monumentally shit. Well, they still are shit as I’m living a very difficult life.

I, unlike her, do not burden my dh and dd with my woes. I make myself heard elsewhere, including here. But I think a lot of older women didn’t and still don’t have the tools to be heard and inflict their woes on their children, often when they are just children. As mine did.

It's that uncomfortable time in life when we have to become the parent to our parents. You have to start saying briskly: 'Stop moaning and complaining mum. It's very tiring.'

With my dad (the same, but now dead) I started to ring off when the whinging began. Kept phone calls brief. For visits if the moans started I'd say' Just going to stick the kettle on!' or 'Just going to sort your laundry'.

If she says 'Oh you don't seem to want to spend much time with me' be honest and say, 'I love you but you constantly complain and I find the negativity really exhausting. Try to find nice things to say, especially if we take you out for a treat.'

Can you get her to socialise? Like toddlers you need to just set them up to do stuff and make them do it. After three visits, it becomes a routine they choose to do. DH's dad refused to socialise after his wife died but we insisted he join a local meet up at a curry house. He resisted but we just took him along. He now goes every week.

Ok, ageism, but people’s personality traits do become more pronounced as they age, so a nasty or moany young person becomes a nasty or moany old person, except worse.

I also think living alone makes things worse. Those people I know who live alone, be they young or old, unfortunately do dwell on things - their health, the neighbours, perceived wrongdoings by others - and chew it over and over inside their head, and then, as a pp said, “emotionally vomit” on a captive listener.

I think because something has been preoccupying them for days and days they become obsessed and truly believe that you too are fascinated by the bloke at no.7 starting his car at 6.30am.

Also does anyone else experience the desperation of (usually) dms to tell you the whole life story of Beryl’s cousin’s next-door-neighbour’s third cousin, whilst showing zero interest in you? I could have said, “Dm, Elon Musk has chosen me to go into space,” and dm would reply, “Hmmmmm, Joan’s great nephew is doing a space project at school. Apparently his Mars poster yada yada yada….”

@FrankButchersDickieBow bit off topic but arthritis of the skull? That sounds awful. I really feel for your relative. I have arthritis in my fingers, whuch is awful. Can't imagine how awful it would feel in the skull

My mum gets like this too op and l always say oh glass half empty today is it?? She normally gets the hint

I think you should enjoy your mum while you have her. I lost my Mum before Christmas at only 69. I'd give anything for her to have lived to some of the ages mentioned here.

OP I sympathise. You should speak to her less than you do now, for your sake and sanity. You already see her once a week. . . perhaps she will have more to talk about if you dont speak daily..or at least you wont have to deal with it daily if she continues as is

I feel the same about my mum which is a shame as we are very close. It got to the point where she was moaning about some form of ailment every second I’m around, it was starting to annoy me as I feel guilty for asking her to watch the kids if I need something urgent etc etc just normal grandparent stuff. I wouldn’t mind but she’s only 60! I gave birth and she didn’t contact me for two days because she had a bad uti, well I had forceps, a catheter for a week, a uti, a episiotomy and a brand new baby but apparently she was in more pain because she had it longer! 🙄 I’ve moved away from her now and tried to build my own life, it’s definitely helped.

@Bobbie1976

I think you should enjoy your mum while you have her. I lost my Mum before Christmas at only 69. I'd give anything for her to have lived to some of the ages mentioned here.

I am sorry to hear that you have lost your Mum. 69 is a very young age.

There are many people looking after or looking out for people who are very difficult to be around. Emotionally draining and in some cases, downright unpleasant.

It sounds like your Mum wasn’t that kind of person.

I feel for the OP. A constant barrage of negativity is hard to handle when you are doing your best.

One thing I do is call them when I am doing something so I only half hear it and I am not spending 45 just listening e.g. round Tesco, walking the dog, waiting outside the school for my DC so that the time is not dead.

This is what I do. I used to really resent phong my relative, I now do something like cleaning, walking etc so I’m not sat still, seething.

I dont like the calls never to discuss age. People do change as they get older, those of us who have cared for elderly parents know this far too well. And life gets harder as we get older and some people will moan more. And some wont. But to say oh we cant discuss this as its ageism is taking away the fact people can change as they age.

For some people the complaining and misery does come on with age. As you get older your world shrinks because of health issues, you see your friends dying and can't escape thoughts of your own mortality. You have fewer opportunities to do the good things and the things that irritate you become bigger in your mind because you don't have as many good things to offset the irritation.

But that's only some older people. Some PPs are saying, in a very black and white way, 'it's an age thing'. It's not by any means all old people who complain constantly, just as some of those who do complain and moan constantly have done it all their lives.

What those people who say quit the ageism are asking for is that individual differences are recognised, rather than writing it off to a simple and inevitable consequence of ageing.

Do you think your personality is accentuated as you become older? I have found that elderly relatives become more entrenched in their personality as they age. So both an age thing and a personality thing.

Feel for you OP.

Of course there are cheerful old people and moany old people, but most moany ones are suffering from “age” problems: poor health, isolation and, very importantly, little to look forward to.

Imagine if you knew you would never have another companion (your Dh having gone), possibly never another holiday, never live anywhere else, never go for a country walk…. Boy, I’m depressing myself now!

@50ShadesOfCatholic

She isn't going to change. I would just reduce my contact with her. Frankly I couldn't bear any contact but if there are things you like about her perhaps you could stay in touch but see less of her. Therws something about a lot of women of that age. My theory is that they didn't have much voice or respect as young women and were conditioned to do what was expected rather than make active choices. And they have coped by whining rather than taking control of their lives.

If it was a sister, I might agree because there would be time for her to change. As it's an 80 year old woman, I think a reduction in contact by phone but still visiting and trying to explain might be best. I lost my grandma when she had just turned 84. It happened very suddenly - she became ill for 3 months, doc said it was UTI but she had had bladder cancer for years based on size of tumour they found in hospital. She was very moany too and said a lot of the same things when I saw her - quiz shows were fixed, she hates this presenter or that presenter, etc. However, I loved her dearly and I regret not seeing her more - I was doing an intense 3 year doctorate training to be a psychologist and I was often working or sleeping. When she became ill, I put her first and finished my course months after my cohort for that reason but I still feel I should have seen her more.

My point is no one knows how long anyone has left and cutting her out completely might be something you really regret when she's no longer here. I often think this about my parents when they are doing my head in - one day I'll be wishing that my dad was giving me a lecture or my mum was telling me all about 10 different people from work that I have never met. I would reduce contact by phone though - every day seems a lot. Maybe you and your children could each csll on different days during the week so she has contact but it's less intense on you all.

Same here but unfortunately mine uses it as a control thing too.
She went “wrong” quite young and is no good with people over the age of 10....

I remember my granny being like this with my mum. Poor mum got all the negativity, moaning, details of ailments and off-loading. When I went to see granny, however, she was all sweetness and light, interested in what I'd been doing and grateful for me visiting. From what you say it sounds like your situation could be similar!

My mother in law does this. We ignore the messages that are just full of "woe is me" now because it's so depressing. She's got lots of local family and FIL so it's not like we are the only ones she has to speak to so we aren't putting up with it any more!

my mums been through stages of this , its just constant and sometimes i think the moaning is this way because its easier for them to bang on about a situation rather than change it , i could never say anything to mine when she was bad with it though , tried once and it led to a blinding row , shes 84 now and more chilled out in her old age thank goodness , i do sometimes think if they werent carrying on about something they would be six foot under

DD works in a hospital, she says sadly many older people become bitter and nasty in old age, for no obvious reason.

Maybe because they no longer feel the need or pressure to keep up appearances and pretend they're happy when they're not?

Maybe they're finally giving voice to that 'inner voice' that says 'what the fuck are you doing?' and 'will you just shut the fuck up!'* quite frequently, instead of supressing it for the sake of propriety, smooth relationships and other people's feelings?

*(Well mine does and I slightly dread the nasty horror that I may turn into with age, increased frustration and diminished impulse control. Menopause is bringing me close to spitting curses and obscenities inappropriately, daily, already! And, isn't this cathartic, sweary behaviour exactly what all those 'mummy drinks wine' blogs are about? What do you do when your fingers are no longer able to contain the sweary blogging for you?).

Maybe when your main companions, day to day, are people you don't love, care about, or want to develop long term relationships with and some of them are medical and care home staff who do painful things to you and often do take an unacceptably long time to attend to your needs, you feel quite justified in letting out how you actually feel about the situation?

None of that is the slightest bit difficult to think of, or imagine feeling. Where is the natural empathy and common sense of anyone who cannot easily imagine that?

I have a colleague like this. It’s very draining. If anyone has a solution I’d love to have one. It’s isn’t really age with this person I don’t think. I suspect it’s just a personality type. I want to be supportive but it’s constant negativity - health, politics, the state of the country the list goes on.

She probably needs more interactions than just family.

Get in touch with Age UK locally and find out what clubs and befriending services they have locally.

Being phoned and visited by family is not enough to stop a person being lonely or enough to keep them active mentally and physically.

the majority of the old people i cared for in their own homes were cheerful

Also does anyone else experience the desperation of (usually) dms to tell you the whole life story of Beryl’s cousin’s next-door-neighbour’s third cousin, whilst showing zero interest in you? I could have said, “Dm, Elon Musk has chosen me to go into space,” and dm would reply, “Hmmmmm, Joan’s great nephew is doing a space project at school. Apparently his Mars poster yada yada yada….”

Oh yes, big time!

my mum is the same and it started as soon as we left home - its for attention . She's only just retired so we notice it more as she has more time to contact us and I know she is bored. She doesn't eat or sleep either lol ( according to her ) and the list goes on . She has a negative comment to make about every thing and every body . I've learned to tune out - I just change the subject or if I can be bothered I'd challenge her ' why are you saying nasty things about John next door , he was amazing when you got locked out ' etc etc