I know this isn't very nice but I can't help it ...

[retroginglass]

I live very near my mum. I go and see her on a Saturday and phone ever day. Without doubt she will moan about not sleeping a wink (almost every night - she is a medical marvel), not feeling well or something. It is constant. She is now nearly 80 but this has been going on for as long as I can remember. I am so tired of listening to the constant moaning. My grown up children all visit her all the time so she is not lonely. They also phone her nearly every day. If we go out for lunch she will invariably moan about the place, the noise or something. Her latest gripe is politics and honestly the ranting and raving is getting me down. If I say I'm feeling under the weather she is ten times worse. I know she is attention seeking and my kids can just about bear it she is driving me mad. Any advice?

@Technosaurus

As a general rule, after about 75 the "moaning about everything" starts (my Mum and Dad started earlier, but I think they were outliers), by 80 it's entrenched and then after 90 all they talk about is wanting to die. As others have said, it's not you it's her, but there's very little you can do to change it

In my professional experience the ones who avoid this decline into misery are ones who get out and about and have social interaction with others of a similar age - choirs/dancing/bingo/walking groups etc. Some elderly are very resistant to meeting new people so there's no quick fix if she doesn't have such things already. Good luck OP, it's tough, but she is your Mum and it's not really her fault, it's just standard for getting old!

Pretty much what I - and several others have said. People who are active, and have a few hobbies, and a few friends, and get out and about, don't seem to moan and bitch and gripe, as the ones who are ALWAYS in, just watch TV, and just sit looking out of the window, wondering why every relative they have, isn't visiting them 3 times a week.

I don't think it's all 'people over 70' who are moany though.. I know several people who are actually only 50-60 who moan and bitch about EVERYTHING - their health, the neighbours, their job, everything! because they just stay home, and do fuck-all, have no friends, never go out, and have no hobbies.

As a pp said, it's boredom. They have fuck all to occupy their time, and their mind, so they just nitpick and analyse everything, and subsequently find fault with everything. They are also never wrong, and everyone must rally around them, because they are so terribly important, and NEVER wrong.

Did I say they were NEVER WRONG?!

While I do think it's a personality thing rather than an age thing, I also think that the life changes that come with age are a contributing factor.

Let's be honest here, we ALL moan/grumble at times - even the young , fit, hale and hearty folk.

Once you retire, the number of people you interact with, diminishes, so the opportunity to offload your minor irritations onto others, also diminishes.
Ergo, the poor buggers who do come to see you, get it all!

Add into the mix, creaky joints, reduced mobility etc etc.
It can be very frustrating not to be able to do the things you could once do easily.

Keeping busy and finding things, however small, that bring you joy, and focusing on what you have rather than what you haven't, I think is the way to stay reasonably positive.
If you enjoy your own company, that also helps.

Perhaps introduce your Mum to Mumsnet OP - she can moan to her hearts content on here!

I come from a set of family members, who never complain about anything in their lives, whether it be anything health wise, or finances, or any other matters. They are all very stoical, and resilient people.

If I have ever heard them complaining, it would be some complaints about younger sets of people, who seem to be always complaining how their lot in life, is terrible, for reasons, for anything under the sun.

@Wingedharpy

Perhaps introduce your Mum to Mumsnet OP - she can moan to her hearts content on here!

Oh hell yeah! I don't think it's possible to get bored here.

The vast majority of people will NOT take well to being criticized because they cannot see any fault in their ways.... Most will react very badly, and will ultimately ghost the person calling them out. Until said person says sorry, and says how very very wrong they were. Then the behaviour continues.

This is just a one way street. It’s not a reciprocal or mutually respectful relationship.

Can it not be constructive feedback with the aim of improving the relationship rather than seen as criticism and a threat to the relationship?

If you are unable to have a gentle voice in any relationship without the threat of volatility then the power balance is toxic.

It’s a real shame that neutral words can’t be found or heard that suggest that you want peaceful, fun loving times rather than resentful, contemptuous obligation.

But I suspect the relationship was always one sided with a “difficult” character throughout life.

I would just put her on speaker phone and go about my day. In full moan mode I doubt she will notice you are not listening.

Oh crikey I needed to find this thread today after yet another moany phone call from my mum.

She's such hard work to have a conversation with unless she's talking about health issues, doctors or hospital appointments and then she'll go on and on, usually moaning about the fact they've not offered her a miracle cure.

This weeks doctors visit was about various aches and pains (she is in her mid-80s with arthritis so to be expected really) and because it wasn't "her doctor" she was questioning the fact they didn't physically examine her.

Her other favourite topic to moan about is about not going out/not seeing people yet she's constantly out with friends, at WI events, at the doctors, being visited by friends or on day trips.

Every time I try and visit it's difficult to find a time she's actually there! My visit next week has got to be sandwiched between her lunch with friends and an opticians appointment in town.

@DFOD when you have someone who is terribly awkward, like what as been mentioned here by many, NOTHING you say will make them change or accept the criticism. No matter how nice and polite you are.

Constructive feedback is basically criticism, and will be seen as such. Especially by people who don't like to admit they are wrong, and their behaviour is shit.

[quote LittleDandelionClock]@DFOD when you have someone who is terribly awkward, like what as been mentioned here by many, NOTHING you say will make them change or accept the criticism. No matter how nice and polite you are.

Constructive feedback is basically criticism, and will be seen as such. Especially by people who don't like to admit they are wrong, and their behaviour is shit.[/quote]
I think that there maybe two different things going on - obviously the people who have been difficult all their lives and keep others in their place with the threat or volatility, flouncing or sulking etc. These are just the same behaviours intensified later in life - but wonder if its still worth having boundaries for respectful behaviour with overt consequences?

With others who slip into whinge mode later in life maybe they are more open to gentle constructive feedback - if one of my DCs told me that my moaning had an oppressive impact on them I would be mortified, rein it in and try to restore and rebalance the relationship. It would be shocking if people just drifted away or disengaged.

@GirlWithAGuitar

Id be honest, tell her to stop moaning as you’re all getting fed up and she’s unpleasant to be around. She’s very lucky that your kids still bother with her, plenty wouldn’t.

Don’t underestimate quite how much dealing with this every day can get you down. If she continues, I would at least reduce my contact for my own mental health. After putting up with awful behaviour for years from relatives just because we were relatives, I decided years ago to stop putting up with people who brought so much negativity to everything so I don’t really tolerate shit like this.

This.

Stop calling so much and when you do follow @AddictedToLuv's excellent suggestion.

Such negatively is not good for you.

What lovely children you have to continue visiting the old whine.
I wouldn't blame them if they bailed.

Mind yourself.

I did stumble across a YouTube video a while back where they interviewed British centenarians and their secret to living so long.

It was really heart warming listening to them all. They were all pretty fit both physically and mentally. The one thing that really stood out to me was that they were all VERY positive. They were all so grateful for the little things (i.e. growing vegetables, enjoying the birds on the feeder, their family or deceased spouse, etc.).

People who moan or want their children to phone obsessively want attention but don't seem to realise that their behaviour actually pushes people away.

Oh, here it is...

Dont think its age. Mine is draining. 80. Visits minimal. Minor things are huge deals. Find that age group draining. All about her. Dont take her away. Thats another drama lol

My Dad is my moaner ! OP (and everyone else dealing with this) you have my sympathies.

He does not stop - it is getting on my nerves so much now I think I am going to snap soon, nothing is ever good enough, he is lonely, he never sees anyone - he sees at least 10 people a week! anything I suggest to get him out he will not do, he is bored it just goes on and on.

During lockdown he said to me I think you would prefer it if I was dead as I would not go and visit him, he was still having his carers, cleaner, gardener coming, I have a Disabled child I was not going anywhere ! My sibling visited a couple of times and because they are the golden child and they went round I was nasty as I wouldn't - I put the phone down on him that time.

He expects everyone (me mainly) to run around after him and gets moody if they don't.

I am visiting soon and already I have a dread feeling and really don't want to go.

I do not have to phone him as he phones me every day - I have started to just let him rattle on and then say to him is that the moaning over for today? I have tried leaving the answer phone on and he just moans that I am not there !

I have started saying I have to go as a delivery is due or making an excuse, if he knows we are home he expects us to go over so I lie and say DH is at work or we have something on, I hate lying but I really need my own life and to have a bit of control over the situation !

It just seems everything falls onto me as I am seen as the nearest, even though I live over an hour away.

It felt so good to get all that out !!

If I were you I'd call your mum less so you get some respite.
Once a day is loads unless she is actually infirm and you're calling to make sure she's not fallen etc.

I love my parents both very much but I'd have nothing to say to them if we spoke every day.

Yes so draining listening to it! Especially when they so negative.

There’s a sketch in Victoria Wood’s All Day Breakfast that features a moaning old mum - “I don’t think there’s anything left for me to look forward to but the cold embrace of the grave” - which is hilarious. Defo one to find on YouTube if you haven’t seen it.

My DH does call MIL out on her moaning in a nice way and then she will stop, but it is her default mode and if he didn’t, she would just carry on and on.

My dad has started being a bit like this
My mum has dementia and every phone calls it's "she's getting worse you know"
Yes, I know. You told me 18hrs ago, and also she has dementia so it's not going to improve? I don't really know what to say to him when he says that

At least your df accepts it. Fil refused to acknowledge that mil had dementia and kept saying, “When she’s better we’ll be going on a river cruise/to the theatre/to John Lewis”. Of course she never did get better…

I agree with pps that the thought of calling out a moaner - My dm, when she was in a trough, would have just burst into tears if I had told her, even gently, to stop the incessant moaning. I found it hard to deal with her criticism of everyone. If anyone helped her, or visited, they somehow managed to offend her, and even presents she received were wrong, eg “Why did Susan give me that? Why would I want that?” Even flowers were a nuisance as she’d have to answer the door and find a vase and so on and so forth. [lies down exhausted at the memory of it]

Ageism - the last widely accepted prejudice

What nasty horrible thread.

@TakeMe2Insanity

It’s an age thing.

no it bloody isn't. Don;t be so ageist.

Plenty of happy chatty 80 year olds who don't behave like this.

And the OP and others have said they have done it for YEARS

So people can’t discuss their elderly parents or in-laws? It’s a fact of life that people decline with age, both mentally and physically.

95-year-olds driving around, doing ten-mile walks and wotnot are both outliers and lucky . As a pp observed, it is rare to live to 100 with full physical and mental faculties and then peacefully die in your sleep.

Being in a family involves interacting with people of all ages and the challenges those ages bring. Moaning seems to be a challenge which does come with the ageing territory. Trying to shut down a supportive thread is horrible too.

I must admit that I know quite a few 80-85 year olds and not one of them are like this.

They are actually all very witty people.

I couldn't be listening to the type of people described on here.
I would be giving them a wide berth.

That type of negativity is so draining.

My aunt great keeps busy. Positive. As others say just some are difficult. My mother was always hard work

My mum is the same. I see her 2 or 3 times a week and almost always her first words are "I've been lying awake since 3am (or 2 or 4). She's been like this as long as I can remember. She moans about everyone and everything.

She was in hospital for a couple of days recently - My sister took the wrong dressing gown, the wrong slippers, the soap sis took for her was no good. The crisps I took her were too salty, the apple in the quite pricy fruit salad I took was too hard.

It's her birthday on Monday & shes going out to lunch with me & my brother. I just know that there will be nothing on the menu she fancies eating, and when she has chosen there will be something that's not right about it. I always feel that whatever I do isn't good enough.

When my mum talks about her childhood I often think that she was treated a bit like a servant by my grandparents. She was the 3rd of 6 children, spent a year in hospital when she was 6, and after according to her, was babysitting her 3 younger brothers - feeding them, carrying them round wherever she went etc, almost constantly. She seems to have missed out on a lot of her childhood so I don't like to be unsympathetic to her but she is exhausting.