I know this isn't very nice but I can't help it ...

[retroginglass]

I live very near my mum. I go and see her on a Saturday and phone ever day. Without doubt she will moan about not sleeping a wink (almost every night - she is a medical marvel), not feeling well or something. It is constant. She is now nearly 80 but this has been going on for as long as I can remember. I am so tired of listening to the constant moaning. My grown up children all visit her all the time so she is not lonely. They also phone her nearly every day. If we go out for lunch she will invariably moan about the place, the noise or something. Her latest gripe is politics and honestly the ranting and raving is getting me down. If I say I'm feeling under the weather she is ten times worse. I know she is attention seeking and my kids can just about bear it she is driving me mad. Any advice?

I honestly think that some old people get into a habit of endless moaning, perhaps without even realising they’re doing it.

My DM wasn’t even really old - maybe late 70s - when she got into a habit of saying endlessly, ‘The sooner I go, the better.’ She’d never really been happy since my DF died, but even so….

She said it once on a lovely sunny day when I was driving us both to Bath - which she’d wanted to visit - for a 3 night mini break!

For once I did say something! ‘It’s a lovely sunny day, we’re off on a little holiday - can you please think of something cheerful to say instead?’
But TBH it had become such a habit, I don’t think she even realised she was doing it.

Yup. My DM is exactly the same. I recall, as a child, hating having to visit my DGM as she just moaned constantly. My mum has now turned into DGM. It's like being in a room with a Dementor.

A lot of the points on here ring true:

• she's always been negative but this has snowballed since she developed more health conditions as she's aged

• she can find the negative in anything

• her world has diminished (partly due to COVID) which has also increased the moaning

DH and I have a wonderful tactic to combat this. We try to flip her negative comments into positive ones.

For example, DM 'Oh, the weather was terrible on holiday. There was nothing to do. Was boring.'

DH - 'Yes, but the scenery was glorious!!'

I often zone out TBH. I've no idea how my DDad copes with it as he's a generally positive person.

The saddest thing is that my DC no longer want to visit their GM as they just get moaned at. And DM can't see this. It's even more of a shame as they're the only grandchildren she'll ever have

@MrsLargeEmbodied

the majority of the old people i cared for in their own homes were cheerful

My dad was adorable with his carer. He could then vent about them, about us, about my mum for hours. Family get a different mood from carers.

I wonder if it’s the power dynamics in the relationship - has anyone ever given feedback / taken a parent to task?

Maybe it’s just that that would be an unusual thing to do at any age and it feels disrespectful?

What’s a real shame is that if people just grit teeth and withdraw the relationship just slowly dies a death of dread.

Also interested in where the emotional vomiting is on one sibling but able to be bright a breezy to other friends and family - that’s been my personal experience and it feels very exploitative.

Has anyone any words that have worked to steer the relationship back into a more comfortable / tolerable place?

My other observation in my family is that these were miserable bitter jealous people when fit and healthy and as others have said this has just intensified as their lives have become smaller.

How does a miserable person take on feedback?

Same here.

My Mum has always been like this but has got even worse as she's got older (in her 80s now).

Other than a few health issues, she really has nothing to moan about. It's so tiring. She moans constantly that she is lonely but she is surrounded by people. We have suggested a gazillion things to keep her occupied but everything is dismissed.

Like others have said it's pure attention seeking. She has always been unable to set boundaries or find solutions and would rather moan about people and situations. Trouble is, this tactic has the opposite effect as I am at the stage now where I just don't want to spend time with her.

She has little to no interest in me yet I am expected to do all the running.

No suggestions but solidarity!

I don’t necessarily think it’s an age thing either. My lovely Mum always saw the best in people and the world and very very rarely commented or moaned, even during her cancer treatment before she died aged 71.

And yet I know other people in their 40s,50s,60s who I mentally call the “Daily Mail” gang who seem to have very little positive in their lives. I often can’t help thinking - if they just spent a little time thinking about how much they have compared to others (or perhaps even volunteering with those who have had worse life opportunities) then their attitude might balance out a bit!

Good advice upthread..good luck OP

She is, as you already know, attention seeking. And sorry, but you are pandering to it. Don’t visit so often. Defo don’t phone so often. Every day? Bloody hell op, why? Just don’t. She’s not going to change now..

“My MIL is like this. She complained about her previous neighbours, then about her new neighbours when she moved, and always about her friends. I’ve noticed she often complains to us instead of setting healthy boundaries with her friends and neighbours and telling them when they’re taking the piss.”

My mum is like this, moans to me that my brother and SiL ask her to have their kids all the time but won’t say no to them. I told her that it was up to her to communicate to them if it was too much for her.

Funnily enough I’ve just remembered that she was very clear to me about not having mine once a week when they were little!

Very hard to deal with op and very very draining, I think it gets to the stage where you're depressed at the thought of having to go even before you go so it has a much bigger effect on your mood r life than just the length of the visit. I'd try and reduce contact a bit, maybe try and go out for coffee r whatever rather than staying indoors, r go to a film etc....

Ah there's a lot of mums like this aren't there? Yes including mine.

Mine will moan about being bored constantly. It's as though she thinks her family are there simply for her boredom preventative measure. But then you ask what she's been doing and she reels off a list of things and a list of plans: she has the most activities of anyone I know. I did snap the other day and told her to stop moaning. She's also obsessed with being "useful" - incapable of going to see her family and just "being". She has to feel validated and useful all the time - and it ends up being an infuriating attempt to control and interfere. DSis and I are both very resistant to that so there are a lot of arguments. It's all so unnecessary 😡

Id keep saying, oh being so cheerful is what keeps you going then?
TBH your mums probably not realised how much shes complaining, if shes been doing it for so long, to her its probably just conversation.

Honestly, in these situations I think all you can do is reduce contact, ring when it suits you (agree with PP in that ringing when you’re doing mundane tasks is the way to go as you kill two birds with one stone and aren’t ruining your evening) and call in on occasion to pass yourself. Minimal effort but just enough so they can’t cause more problems in your life.

I used to be very much of the opinion that you should call it out, but then from other family members I realised that calling it out would cause more problems for myself, and life is too short for that. So we do what we need to get by and nothing more.

Wow, this makes me reflect on my own moaning ... mustn't become and old cranky lady ... mustn't become and old cranky lady.

My Mother is exactly the same I've now christened her Negative Nelly, I've told her this to her face
I've cut short coffee/lunch meets and just got up and said goodbye when she's been particularly moany
I've had telephone conversations when she's gone off one one, I just say 'Stop', and then stay quiet, the penny drops and she changes the subject to something a bit more light hearted
She's 85, in fine fettle, has nothing to moan about, a better social life than me, more than enough money, no major health worries, gets out every day and STILL fucking moans.
I'm an only child which is a pain in the arse as I've not got a sibling to share the load
My kids engage with her rarely due to her negativity
I see her once every 2 weeks for an hour because basically that's all I can deal with
Just because she's your Mother it doesn't mean that you have to put up with her behaviour
I could literally write a book on the mental/physical/emotional abuse from her...
Start limiting your time with her, you'll feel much better believe me

I also don't think it's an age thing. People who are say 65+ who moan and gripe, were moany feckers to begin with IME. I know some lovely positive people over 65, and some whiny ones.

My mother was the same, moan whinge, whine, about everything, from the neighbours, to my brother rarely contacting her, to her health, to the government, to tv programmes, ANYthing. She would moan about anything. And OMG she didn't half moan about all her health ailments!

I find the ones who moan and bitch and whinge and gripe, and slate you if you don't contact them constantly, every day, often have nothing else in their life.

@retroginglass Could you try and get your DM interested in a hobby group? Maybe try and get her to buy a laptop and get her interested in the internet. She could even play games on her laptop. Or go on a penpal website to try and meet/connect with new people. Or buy her an old Playstation 2 and some puzzle/platform games. Anything to give her something to do.

My DD's boyfriend's nan is like your DM. She is 70, and has NOTHING in her life. No hobbies, no interests, no friends, no TV, no computer or anything. All she does is knit. One hobby that's it!

She complains profusely if one of her 2 adult children (in their 40s) or one of her 4 grandchildren (aged 18 to 23) don't ring her EVERY SINGLE DAY. And at least one of them must go see her 4 or 5 times a week. One of the adult children went a week without ringing her or going round one day in summer 2019 as she had flu. The woman ghosted her for a MONTH. She told the rest of them to tell HER she is in the doghouse, and banned from calling her or seeing her for a month.

The mother didn't contact her even though she knew she was ill. Baffling!

Her daughter - DD's boyfriend's aunt - said it was the most peaceful month of her life without her mother hounding her though. Also, she had to say sorry to her, before she was allowed back. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. I am secretly hoping DD doesn't get too serious with this lad. Don't want her marrying into a fucked up family dynamic like that!

Fairly sure it's more personality than age.
I have a lovely woman in my life who has always moaned about not sleeping well and food in establishments.
So now shes 74 shes the same as ever. I told her that I booked Christmas dinner out and shes invited and she moaned about the cost ( that shes not paying) and how she will never eat all that food and on and on. I ignore the not sleeping bit cos after 70 plus years of it I'd think you'd be used to it.
But in a much simpler fashion I just say yeah ok and change the subject every time she wangs on.
It's to protect her and me. I also phone more than visit or I might be tempted sometimes to bury her under her own patio.

I also chose Christmas dinner out so that I'm not exposed to her for long. It's in a restaurant with limited time and I can cheerfully wave her off in a taxi after she has moaned about every item of food there.
I think find your best way of dealing with these people and only do that.
If that's low or no contact, phoning rather than physical visits, burying them alive whatever.

@Shoobydooer me and DH will say we’ve been Colin Robinsoned when someone drains us with their moaning 😆

You should hear my mum & her sisters, they all just moan about stuff. Then she moans separately to me that she has it worse or X is moaning too much 🤦‍♀️

My MIL is a bit of a moaner, she was moaning about the neighbours who are far down the road having an extension, wgaf. I think it's boredom.

Does anyone ever intervene and call these people out in either an assertive or jokey way - does that ever work or does it backfire?

Are we just as complicit / enabling for not giving feedback?

As a general rule, after about 75 the "moaning about everything" starts (my Mum and Dad started earlier, but I think they were outliers), by 80 it's entrenched and then after 90 all they talk about is wanting to die. As others have said, it's not you it's her, but there's very little you can do to change it

In my professional experience the ones who avoid this decline into misery are ones who get out and about and have social interaction with others of a similar age - choirs/dancing/bingo/walking groups etc. Some elderly are very resistant to meeting new people so there's no quick fix if she doesn't have such things already. Good luck OP, it's tough, but she is your Mum and it's not really her fault, it's just standard for getting old!

Does anyone ever intervene and call these people out in either an assertive or jokey way - does that ever work or does it backfire?

I do take the piss out of my mum but have often just done the washing whilst on the call.

I once snapped at MIL & called her negative, didn't go down to well.

@DFOD

Does anyone ever intervene and call these people out in either an assertive or jokey way - does that ever work or does it backfire?

Are we just as complicit / enabling for not giving feedback?

The vast majority of people will NOT take well to being criticized because they cannot see any fault in their ways.... Most will react very badly, and will ultimately ghost the person calling them out. Until said person says sorry, and says how very very wrong they were. Then the behaviour continues.

@hettol

My MIL is a bit of a moaner, she was moaning about the neighbours who are far down the road having an extension, wgaf. I think it's boredom.

Defo boredom!

I've got one of these too... I generally have another task on the go during the call... she makes ironing interesting...

But cut back on the time of the calls if they are getting too much for you. Either don't call every day or dont spend long on the phone. Try not to engage with it all, stop listening so much. Really shebjust wants a moan and you are a convenient. She does not realise (or care) about the impact of her moan vomit (- I like that phrase by a pp!)