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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner's ex wants veto on me seeing their kids at all

185 replies

Stripepuppydream · 21/10/2021 18:33

I am 42 tomorrow, no children, my boyfriend of 1 year is 42, I recently met his kids for the first time (9 and 11, boys) at a small BBQ with other family/friends (not the ex wife) which went really well. We live 1.5 hours apart so I had packed a bag ready to stay elsewhere that evening as my partner had his boys over. However while I was out of earshot they asked if I was staying over, my partner asked them if it was OK, they said yes, and could I come to watch them play football in the morning. All went well, my partner umpired so I walked the dogs around the field and did not chat with any parents, not sure who knew the ex wife, and feeling very aware this was family territory.

That afternoon when the kids were dropped back with their mum, she realised I had stayed and been to football, had not discussed that scenario with my partner in advance and so was upset. I can understand that and was annoyed with my partner for not having checked with her first, included her in the decision and not having made it clear to me she hadn't OKd that. The result is, I am no longer allowed to be in the house around the boys, to stay over if he has them, or to go to football etc. Lets be clear, we've been going out for a year and I have not impacted on their contact and time with their Dad, kids have met me once.

I am incredibly disappointed that my partner is asking me to align with his ex wife's requirements to stay in the background for longer. There are no accusations of anything improper that I am aware of, just that he is prepared to run this at the speed his ex requests because, in his words, she will try to stop him seeing the kids if he doesn't. I cant see this happening as they are both so committed to supporting the boys football commitments which requires both of them to work together for lifts etc. She has a full time job and a business start up (MLM ... but that's another story) so needs the support of my partner to enable the work they both do to continue. She also works in child protection so I dont think could just stop him seeing the kids without a good reason, and there is none. Ive always been prepared to meet her but am not having my life and relationship progress determined by her demands when there is nothing to worry about in terms of impact on the boys. Everyone (their family and family friends) likes me, boys have not been upset etc. by idea of Dad having a girlfriend, they want to come and visit me at some point, love my dog (who they have met more often than me!), it worked out as perfectly as you could have asked for. But ex wife is still not happy and I my partner is not sticking up for what he thinks is right for him, for me, and the only way my relationship remains possible is if I do as I am told.

What do you think? Should I be compliant and jump through more hoops of approval so the ex wife/Mum is happy with the pace etc of my contact with the boys (which I am worried she may never be), do I keep investing months of my time and chunks of my heart with her seemingly having the power of veto over me and power to limit my relationship like this?

The alternative is that I say I can't take part in this any more, I can't do as they ask, and he walks away. I know this for sure as it happened this morning.

OP posts:
bluebeck · 21/10/2021 18:39

You have a DP problem.

I would walk away now as otherwise you will have years of this shit.

Elieza · 21/10/2021 18:40

It may help to clarify what we are voting for.

I’ve voted yanbu to walk away now if you want to.

I have a feeling that he will do as she wishes as he is too scared not to. He won’t realise for a good while how unreasonable she is.

Or see that she’s just jealous that her kids get to spend time with someone that’s not their parent.

Meanwhile how much time will have gone by.

She will get a boyfriend herself in due course and you can be sure he will be around the kids as that’s apparently ok.

Meanwhile their actual dad will not be allowed any joy making a new family with a girlfriend.

She’s using the kids as a weapon. Shame on her.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 21/10/2021 18:42

He is spineless... Is that a good enough man for you really?

WellLarDeDar · 21/10/2021 18:44

I agree you should walk away.

SaveWaterDrinkGin · 21/10/2021 18:44

Exactly what @bluebeck said.

You sound lovely btw.

Disfordarkchocolate · 21/10/2021 18:45

Walk away.

This would be the rest of your life.

Unless they had evidence you we're abusive no normal woman would even consider asking for this based on how the meeting with their children went. The fact that he capitulated says everything you need to know about your future.

Run now before you get caught up in this crap.

Bluntness100 · 21/10/2021 18:45

What do you mean should you? You don’t have a choice. He’s made the request of you. What are you going to do front up invited? Bottom line is he’s supported her and agreed with her, and it’s now his request.

Either accept it or end it and move on.

Bluntness100 · 21/10/2021 18:47

@Brollywasntneededafterall

He is spineless... Is that a good enough man for you really?
Well he had the spine to stand up to thr op and tell her to back off
2020isnotbehaving · 21/10/2021 18:47

She can’t make him stay single and it sounds alike you have been doing everything right so far. It sounds like threat to control him, and from sound of it she needs him to do his share of childcare and to help with football so they kids life carry on as normal. She will be shooting her self in the foot if she decided to mess around withholding contact which he can then take to court about. Will not look good in her favour at all.

Sadly if DP is going give in to everything you have no future, do you want live like this until they are both 18?

hopefulmama36 · 21/10/2021 18:48

I agree with other posters you have a DP problem. She might have a point if it had only been a few weeks and your the umpteenth girlfriend that he'd introduced to them. But you're not and have clearly taken care not to step on her toes. I'd be seriously considering if this relationship had a future.

Glitterybug · 21/10/2021 18:50

I would walk away now otherwise she's going to get more and more say over your life. He's doing what he thinks is right for him, you need to do what's right for you whatever that is. But this won't get better. She's got no right to dictate who the kids see when they're with their dad but unless he stands up to her - she's got the green light to control everything and you're going to massively resent him for always putting her first.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 21/10/2021 18:52

He chose the path of least resistance...

2ndtimemum2 · 21/10/2021 18:52

There are many issues here and i speak as a single mum so have been through this
1.NEVER should he have had you stay the night the same day you met them, I have no idea how either of you thought that was a good idea...I know the kids wanted to have ice-cream for dinner you wouldn't agree to it would you? They don't have the capacity to make the correct decisions for their own well being.

  1. How would dp feel if he heard a strange man had stayed the night with his kids with the ex wife?
The ex wife has no right to dictate who is around the kids when your dp has them however she can only dictate because you dp is allowing it!! So your issue is the dp he needs to grow a back bone and firstly apologise to the ex for not forwarding her that he intended to introduce you to the kids but also remind her that the kids are 50% his and he has every right to have his kids around you
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 21/10/2021 18:53

I would walk away. I wouldn't want to be with someone who listened to his horrible ex and pushed me out on her say so. You deserve better than that.

HangOnToYourself · 21/10/2021 18:54

My dps ex apparently told her daughter she isnt allowed in my car, I ask dp what he wanted to do and he laughed and said let her try and stop me taking my daughter where I want. If they are in his care it's up to him who they see

Aquamarine1029 · 21/10/2021 18:57

I would dump him immediately. He has shown you clearly what a spineless, pathetic little man he truly is. Of course his children are important, but so are you, and his ex is being completely and utterly unreasonable. It's ridiculous that he doesn't have the balls to stand up to her on your behalf, and why on earth would you want this absurd drama in your life?

Get rid of him and move on.

StripeyBadger · 21/10/2021 18:57

I would walk away. Flowers

ThingsAreGood · 21/10/2021 18:58

Been there. However DP laughed at the madness of it and carried on. There was nothing she could do as her child was being safely looked after and, dare I say, enjoyed being around us!

RelentlessForwardProgress · 21/10/2021 18:59

I think meeting the children for the first time and spending the night there that very first time you met them was too much.

And I think your partner asking the kids if it was OK and them saying yes does not mean it was OK with them, they might have gone home and told their mum they were uncomfortable, hence her pushing back.

I think this was a problem entirely of your DP's making, and his lack of insight on this would be a red flag for me. I'd be judging him not the mum, tbh.

Catflapkitkat · 21/10/2021 18:59

I voted YANBU because I think it will be major heartache in the future. A year into the relationship is perfectly acceptable to be introduced to his children. I cringe when I see new people introduced to children so quickly but you seem to have been thoughtful and respectful. This is something your boyfriend should have pointed out to his ex. It will only get worse.

Out of curiousity, why did they split? Does she have a partner?

cricketmum84 · 21/10/2021 19:00

@2ndtimemum2

There are many issues here and i speak as a single mum so have been through this 1.NEVER should he have had you stay the night the same day you met them, I have no idea how either of you thought that was a good idea...I know the kids wanted to have ice-cream for dinner you wouldn't agree to it would you? They don't have the capacity to make the correct decisions for their own well being.
  1. How would dp feel if he heard a strange man had stayed the night with his kids with the ex wife?
The ex wife has no right to dictate who is around the kids when your dp has them however she can only dictate because you dp is allowing it!! So your issue is the dp he needs to grow a back bone and firstly apologise to the ex for not forwarding her that he intended to introduce you to the kids but also remind her that the kids are 50% his and he has every right to have his kids around you
Totally agree with this.
GrapeViney · 21/10/2021 19:00

If I were you I'd have a serious conversation with DP about how unhappy and ridiculous the situation is and that you're not happy to not being taken into account in the slightest.

You are going to risk losing your DP by standing up to the bs you're being put through but if he isn't going to do anything about it do you really want to be with the guy long term anyway?

Fdksyihfd · 21/10/2021 19:01

Honestly I would walk away now. If he’s going to jump to her demands so easily then you’re in for a world of trouble. The problem is him more than anything. I say from experience that it is hard enough with an ex who tries to control things when you’ve got a DP who sets boundaries and stands up for him and you but if your DP isn’t going to do it then it’s only going to get worse. She’ll get a say in your entire future

Justmuddlingalong · 21/10/2021 19:03

As you've only met the kids that one weekend, I'd cut my losses now. This could drag on for however long the exDW sees fit and your boyfriend accepts it and expects you to do the same.

TravelLost · 21/10/2021 19:04

I think you need a chat with your DP.

He is choosing to appease his ex at your detriment. So seems to be happy to stay single until? I don’t know… she decides it’s ok for him to have a Relationship?

He needs to be aware that LT this is not manageable. Nit for him, not for your relationship an certainly not for you.

So the alternatives are for you to LTB now and turn the page. Or for him to accept he can have a life of his own but that will mean making his ex unhappy. (FWIW you have been very careful and accommodating so far so really se can’t fault you. The issue is control on her side).

What you shouldn’t do is accept ut and try to make it work at his ex speed because she will always find something to make things difficult.