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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner's ex wants veto on me seeing their kids at all

185 replies

Stripepuppydream · 21/10/2021 18:33

I am 42 tomorrow, no children, my boyfriend of 1 year is 42, I recently met his kids for the first time (9 and 11, boys) at a small BBQ with other family/friends (not the ex wife) which went really well. We live 1.5 hours apart so I had packed a bag ready to stay elsewhere that evening as my partner had his boys over. However while I was out of earshot they asked if I was staying over, my partner asked them if it was OK, they said yes, and could I come to watch them play football in the morning. All went well, my partner umpired so I walked the dogs around the field and did not chat with any parents, not sure who knew the ex wife, and feeling very aware this was family territory.

That afternoon when the kids were dropped back with their mum, she realised I had stayed and been to football, had not discussed that scenario with my partner in advance and so was upset. I can understand that and was annoyed with my partner for not having checked with her first, included her in the decision and not having made it clear to me she hadn't OKd that. The result is, I am no longer allowed to be in the house around the boys, to stay over if he has them, or to go to football etc. Lets be clear, we've been going out for a year and I have not impacted on their contact and time with their Dad, kids have met me once.

I am incredibly disappointed that my partner is asking me to align with his ex wife's requirements to stay in the background for longer. There are no accusations of anything improper that I am aware of, just that he is prepared to run this at the speed his ex requests because, in his words, she will try to stop him seeing the kids if he doesn't. I cant see this happening as they are both so committed to supporting the boys football commitments which requires both of them to work together for lifts etc. She has a full time job and a business start up (MLM ... but that's another story) so needs the support of my partner to enable the work they both do to continue. She also works in child protection so I dont think could just stop him seeing the kids without a good reason, and there is none. Ive always been prepared to meet her but am not having my life and relationship progress determined by her demands when there is nothing to worry about in terms of impact on the boys. Everyone (their family and family friends) likes me, boys have not been upset etc. by idea of Dad having a girlfriend, they want to come and visit me at some point, love my dog (who they have met more often than me!), it worked out as perfectly as you could have asked for. But ex wife is still not happy and I my partner is not sticking up for what he thinks is right for him, for me, and the only way my relationship remains possible is if I do as I am told.

What do you think? Should I be compliant and jump through more hoops of approval so the ex wife/Mum is happy with the pace etc of my contact with the boys (which I am worried she may never be), do I keep investing months of my time and chunks of my heart with her seemingly having the power of veto over me and power to limit my relationship like this?

The alternative is that I say I can't take part in this any more, I can't do as they ask, and he walks away. I know this for sure as it happened this morning.

OP posts:

Original poster

Stripepuppydream · 22/10/2021 19:58

Hi, no I definitely wanted to stay, he just took my refusal to be pushed out and kept away to appease the ex as "well that's it, we've broken up"! So my choice was to stick to nyguns and loose him, or bend to it and line myself up for more hurt etc. I definitely wasn't being flakey. I'm pretty upset with him for ending things the moment a predictably tricky situation came up

OP posts:

Original poster

Stripepuppydream · 22/10/2021 20:00

Hi, no, I didn't end it, he says it's over unless I comply and just see him in occasional free time etc

OP posts:

TheChip · 22/10/2021 20:02

Oh, my bad. I assumed you ended things, sorry.
Yes, it is shit of him. Especially when it does strengthen the mothers point. He's setting himself up for more difficult times.

Monsterpumpkins · 22/10/2021 20:13

So he wants a booty call? Raise your bar op...
Ltb tonight..

aSofaNearYou · 22/10/2021 20:17

@Stripepuppydream

All in all it's very likely for the best OP. If he takes this attitude now you would be in for a multitude of similar problems further down the line.

AutumnLeafy · 22/10/2021 20:18

@Stripepuppydream

Hi, no, I didn't end it, he says it's over unless I comply and just see him in occasional free time etc

It's over then surely! Don't let him use you deserve so much better

WhiskyXray · 22/10/2021 21:06

He is not a nice man.

SpaceshiptoMars · 22/10/2021 21:22

Game plan: hook you, park you, use you. Lovely. I'm sure you have much better things to do with your life.

Pippy1900 · 22/10/2021 23:01

I didn’t say I wouldn’t do it, just that I would find it unbearable. I am lovely, thank you for recognising that. I don’t thinks it’s unreasonable to not allow someone else to call your daughter “Mum”. She’s not the mum!

Pippy1900 · 22/10/2021 23:04

“Hi, no, I didn't end it, he says it's over unless I comply and just see him in occasional free time etc”…. Please end this. You really don’t want to spend anytime, especially potentially the rest of your life being treated like this. This man doesn’t appreciate what he has in you - find someone who does xxx

Pippy1900 · 22/10/2021 23:10

“Relationships break down and people move on. Just because there's a child involved doesn't mean the other parent has any say over who their ex spends time with.”

I wouldn’t have any interest who an ex spent time with. I do however, have the right to have a say in who my daughter would spend time with. I am a Teacher - so I’ve seen all the child protection issues too. I would do whatever my daughter needed - but I’m just saying how hard it would be. Also, this msn may have cheated on the mother and she has unresolved pain - you really need to look at it from her viewpoint too!

BananaPB · 22/10/2021 23:18

I do however, have the right to have a say in who my daughter would spend time with.

You only have the right to voice an opinion in extreme circumstances like the new partner being a child sex offender. Your ex would be supported by the legal system to introduce your dd to whoever he wants. If the new partner is unreasonable you can try to appeal to your ex but he has the right to ignore you and allow his new partner to see his dd during his time.

You may privately judge or have an opinion on his new partner which is a different matter but in many cases Mums only have this kind of control because their exes believe it incorrectly

TheChiefJo · 22/10/2021 23:26

@BananaPB

I do however, have the right to have a say in who my daughter would spend time with.

You may privately judge or have an opinion on his new partner which is a different matter but in many cases Mums only have this kind of control because their exes believe it incorrectly

All of this.

Pippy1900 · 22/10/2021 23:46

I would move my daughter to the other side of the World if I had to too stop someone I didn’t like being around her!

TheChiefJo · 22/10/2021 23:55

No you wouldn't.

Pippy1900 · 22/10/2021 23:59

Ha ha ha, I would!

choli · 23/10/2021 00:01

I do however, have the right to have a say in who my daughter would spend time with.
Legally you don't. You don't own your kids, they are not your possessions. Their father is your equal legally.

Pippy1900 · 23/10/2021 00:06

I don’t own her, but I would do anything to protect her. Anyway, I’m happily married, so all hypothetical and not at all about the original post! If you sat through the child protection issues I have sat through you may feel differently about new partners!

AveryGoodlay · 23/10/2021 00:07

Stripepuppydream He isn't invested enough in your relationship to stand up to his ex. He should be well aware of his parental responsibility and should be able to quote this to her.

She’s using the kids as a weapon. Shame on her. I also agree with this completely.

That said, why on earth would either of you consider staying the night after your first meeting? That rings major safeguarding bells for me.

Summerdayshaze · 23/10/2021 00:12

You sound great. You can do better than him.

Nat6999 · 23/10/2021 00:16

Legally there isn't anything your dp's ex can do to stop you from seeing the children, but morally she can be a pain & stop him seeing the children if you are there. If he wants you to be there when he sees the dc it would be a good idea for him to go through the family courts & get court ordered contact. This isn't a quick process, probably at least a years wait to get to court for the first time after mediation & then it may take several times to get a final order, especially if his ex is being awkward.

upupandawaytoday · 23/10/2021 00:35

I read it and agreed with the mum as I'd reacted very similar with my stbxh (but in my defence I wasn't told and he had known her 2 months at that point and only mere months after our separation, worst still he was forcing them to sleep at her flat on a sofa bed whilst breaking lockdown rules)

God I wish my ex and partner were as sensible as you two have been.

I can see her point. First time meeting them is a bit soon regardless of whether the kids were happy about it. My two are too scared of upsetting their dad so would have said the same. They don't like his new partner now but will still not say anything.

Having said that, you have been together a while so it's a slight over reaction on her part.

Like others have said, if I were dating a divorcee who behaved the way he has, I would be questioning my future with him for sure!

WorraLiberty · 23/10/2021 00:44

@Pippy1900

I am married to the father of my beautiful DD, so don’t have this concern. However, I know I would be absolute nightmare mum with anyone who wanted to be near my daughter without me around. I would never ever countenance them calling her step-mum! Just saying it from my view point - giving access of your children to another new person would be intolerable for me. Especially if I was unhappy with the father to divorce him - probably wouldn’t trust his judgement much!

And this is why so many kids of divorced parents end up fucked up.

You call her 'beautiful' but she's clearly not beautiful enough for you to put her first?

Selfish and dangerous for her mental health because your post is all about you.

WorraLiberty · 23/10/2021 00:48

@Pippy1900

If you knew as many teenagers/adults of divorced and bitter parents as I do, you might feel differently.

I have 3 grown up sons.

1 of their friends committed suicide, at least 3 have been in trouble with the police due to drug addiction and crime and another one was sectioned before he turned 15.

All of them site their parents divorces and how they were dragged into the middle of their disputes.

GirlWithAGuitar · 23/10/2021 00:51

It was stupid to stay over and then go to football on the first proper meet. I can understand why their mum had an issue with that. It should be a gradual build up, regardless of them saying they didn’t mind you staying and asking to go to football. You’d waited a decent length of time to meet them and then it was all full on on the first meeting.
It’s wrong for their mum to say you can’t be around them at all though. That sounds much more like her wanting to control rather than act in the kids best interests.
He needs to talk to his ex and come to an agreement. I don’t think you need to have much contact with them at this stage, you’re not living together so it’s easy enough for him to see you when he hasn’t got his kids on the whole. But obviously this should be built up as your relationship continues if you plan on living together at some point.

I do have a friend who’s kids have only met her boyfriend of 5 years a few times. She has them 50/50 with their dad and has no intention of living with the boyfriend at least until kids are adults if ever so there’s just no reason for him to have much involvement.

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