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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner's ex wants veto on me seeing their kids at all

185 replies

Stripepuppydream · 21/10/2021 18:33

I am 42 tomorrow, no children, my boyfriend of 1 year is 42, I recently met his kids for the first time (9 and 11, boys) at a small BBQ with other family/friends (not the ex wife) which went really well. We live 1.5 hours apart so I had packed a bag ready to stay elsewhere that evening as my partner had his boys over. However while I was out of earshot they asked if I was staying over, my partner asked them if it was OK, they said yes, and could I come to watch them play football in the morning. All went well, my partner umpired so I walked the dogs around the field and did not chat with any parents, not sure who knew the ex wife, and feeling very aware this was family territory.

That afternoon when the kids were dropped back with their mum, she realised I had stayed and been to football, had not discussed that scenario with my partner in advance and so was upset. I can understand that and was annoyed with my partner for not having checked with her first, included her in the decision and not having made it clear to me she hadn't OKd that. The result is, I am no longer allowed to be in the house around the boys, to stay over if he has them, or to go to football etc. Lets be clear, we've been going out for a year and I have not impacted on their contact and time with their Dad, kids have met me once.

I am incredibly disappointed that my partner is asking me to align with his ex wife's requirements to stay in the background for longer. There are no accusations of anything improper that I am aware of, just that he is prepared to run this at the speed his ex requests because, in his words, she will try to stop him seeing the kids if he doesn't. I cant see this happening as they are both so committed to supporting the boys football commitments which requires both of them to work together for lifts etc. She has a full time job and a business start up (MLM ... but that's another story) so needs the support of my partner to enable the work they both do to continue. She also works in child protection so I dont think could just stop him seeing the kids without a good reason, and there is none. Ive always been prepared to meet her but am not having my life and relationship progress determined by her demands when there is nothing to worry about in terms of impact on the boys. Everyone (their family and family friends) likes me, boys have not been upset etc. by idea of Dad having a girlfriend, they want to come and visit me at some point, love my dog (who they have met more often than me!), it worked out as perfectly as you could have asked for. But ex wife is still not happy and I my partner is not sticking up for what he thinks is right for him, for me, and the only way my relationship remains possible is if I do as I am told.

What do you think? Should I be compliant and jump through more hoops of approval so the ex wife/Mum is happy with the pace etc of my contact with the boys (which I am worried she may never be), do I keep investing months of my time and chunks of my heart with her seemingly having the power of veto over me and power to limit my relationship like this?

The alternative is that I say I can't take part in this any more, I can't do as they ask, and he walks away. I know this for sure as it happened this morning.

OP posts:

Clovie · 22/10/2021 09:37

My dp’s ex tried this shit. He just ignored her. I am not an axe murderer, I am just a normal human. She does not get to meet me or my children or get to veto who my dp sees or lets his children see. When the children are in his care they are his responsibility and nothing they do or who they see is any of her business. My ex has introduced his gf to the children. Have I met her? No. Is it any of my business? Hell no. Your dp is the problem here.

Bananarama21 · 22/10/2021 09:38

Truthfully if they only just met you that day your dh shouldn't have invited you to then stay the night. They might have felt put upon and uncomfortable to say no, especially as essentially your a stranger to them. I think it should have been build up rather than going into staying the night so the boys had the opportunity to know you which I know you made arrangements for initially that being said there's there's way to voice that without cutting you out if the situation isn't the way forward. I'd end the relationship as its clear she holds all the cards.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 22/10/2021 09:43

Agree with others, you have a DP problem. It’s a shame she won’t meet you and act like an adult. I’d cut my losses.

Catflapkitkat · 22/10/2021 10:16

How did he take it OP? Did he just accept it?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 22/10/2021 10:39

I’d say you find situation untenable and that he needs to stand up to his ex now. I wouldn’t leave if it’s possible to resolve things. Maybe his ex was caught off guard by you being around but has realised she overreacted. I’d try to sort this with DH first.

billy1966 · 22/10/2021 10:46

OP,

Good call.
You would only be wasting further time.

He sounds very dim.

Staying the night was daft that night, when you had barely met them but him now expecting you to live your life dictated by his ex is unreasonable.

Nothing but annoyance and stress ahead of you.

Happy birthday and get right out there.

Learn from this.

At your age I would be very wary of men with complicated history.

Not worth the hassle.

SpaceshiptoMars · 22/10/2021 10:54

having to deal with his upset that he "just has to accept he can't have a girlfriend" (oh boo hoo)

Well, he shot himself in both feet with that precious piece of self-pity! If he'd made it about how much he'd miss you, you might have hesitated for a second.

You are worth more than being a bolt-on woman to his core family.

rumncoke · 22/10/2021 11:26

OP good choice, wish I was brave enough to make the same decision. I have been with my partner 5 years, I’ve met his son once ! DP still has to go to exs Sunday’s to see his son and Thursday evenings. Partners son is austistic and she uses this as the reason and DP just says ok. He threatened court once when I said I’d had enough of their set up and she wouldn’t let him see him, so DP caved, he said how is it fair I don’t get to see my son , it’s either like this or you’ll ( me) will have to decide whether you can live like it. It’s utter bollocks. Christmas he’s at hers, my 2 boys miss out . It’s so unfair. She won’t ever change her mind, am hoping one day he will go to court but not holding my breath.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 22/10/2021 11:49

@rumncoke

Bloody hell! Are your children his as well? If so he is behaving despicably. In fact even if they're not he is acting like a selfish twat.

Skeumorph · 22/10/2021 11:53

being told by DP "this is what you get if you date someone with kids" and having to deal with his upset that he "just has to accept he can't have a girlfriend" (oh boo hoo)

Lucky escape.

Nope. Looks like he can't have a girlfriend if he can't create healthy boundaries with the mother of his children. Boo hoo indeed! But YIPPEE for womankind!

rumncoke · 22/10/2021 12:21

No not his. Yes he is selfish. I’m in a rock and hard place. Literally don’t know what to do. Love him so much, as do my boys , but it’s not sustainable. Maybe I’ll grow a pair and give him an ultimatum.

LittleMysSister · 22/10/2021 12:23

No - she's out of line and so is he.

You are his partner, not her. You've waited a year before even meeting the children, you've done everything right.

If he won't stand up for your relationship then you only have misery to come.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 22/10/2021 12:34

@rumncoke

He doesn't place the same importance on you though, does he?

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 22/10/2021 12:43

I don't think the point here is about when she met the kids, how early in the relationship or if she stayed over. Her dp's ex was trying, and succeeding, to control her ex by using the children. He has as much say in their lives and how he parents them as she does. He felt it was the right time and he should have stood by that. But he's chosen the path of least resistance and rather than upset his ex he's chosen his relationship with her over the op. The op has good boundaries in place and won't play second fiddle to his ex.

Aderyn21 · 22/10/2021 12:45

Dating someone with kids doesn't mean you have to accept the unreasonable dictates of the ex wife or being treated as if you don't matter at all.
I think you've had a lucky escape - a man who is willing to let his life be dictated like this, will make you miserable.

mountbattenbergcake · 22/10/2021 12:48

I have just been clear about what I'm prepared to accept, and it is not this!

What does this mean, you've told him that you won't hide in the background?

What was his reaction?

urbanbuddha · 22/10/2021 12:52

You've been going out with him for a year and his ex has only just found out that there's a serious relationdhip yet you expect him to prioritise his relationship with you over his relationship with his children? YABU.
Give it time and his ex will adapt but you have to understand that his relationship with his kids is part of who he is.

SpaceshiptoMars · 22/10/2021 13:00

The ex is playing a game. The game is 'I'm going to stop you having any more children with anyone else'. Why are they doing this? Because they don't want their children to end up with less of his resources than they have now.

A childless woman is a threat in these circumstances. 42 is not old enough for the ex to feel safe. She'd probably be different if you had 3 kids, a well-paid career and were done with child bearing.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 22/10/2021 13:04

@urbanbuddha

You've been going out with him for a year and his ex has only just found out that there's a serious relationdhip yet you expect him to prioritise his relationship with you over his relationship with his children? YABU. Give it time and his ex will adapt but you have to understand that his relationship with his kids is part of who he is.

Except that isn't what she is expecting at all

LittleMysSister · 22/10/2021 13:04

@urbanbuddha

You've been going out with him for a year and his ex has only just found out that there's a serious relationdhip yet you expect him to prioritise his relationship with you over his relationship with his children? YABU. Give it time and his ex will adapt but you have to understand that his relationship with his kids is part of who he is.

How ridiculous, his relationship with his children should not be at risk because their mum can't handle him having a girlfriend.

OP is not being unreasonable to expect a) this not to happen at all, and b) if it does happen, for her DP to step up and defend their relationship, given he clearly cares enough about her to feel it was the right time to introduce her to his children.

RedMarauder · 22/10/2021 13:07

@SpaceshiptoMars

A childless woman is a threat in these circumstances. 42 is not old enough for the ex to feel safe. She'd probably be different if you had 3 kids, a well-paid career and were done with child bearing.

Silly game to play as he could very easily end up with a woman 10+ years younger and their children would be much older....

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/10/2021 13:09

DP problem

It amazes me how many men give their ex’s so much power over “allowing them to see their kids”.

There are sadly men up and down the country who absolutely shouldn’t see their kids - or any kids - because their are nasty abusive bastards. They still get to, because the whole system is on the side of fathers getting to see their children and have them overnight etc no matter what.

Your partner has all the power to ensure he sees his children - he can take her to court if any nonsense. He has the power to introduce you into their lives as much or as little as he chooses.

He’s currently choosing not to, and to allow her to make the rules. No way does he have to do that.

ihavespoken · 22/10/2021 13:12

It's not up to her, he didn't need to consult her, if he goes along with this then run for the hills!

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 22/10/2021 13:13

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

DP problem

It amazes me how many men give their ex’s so much power over “allowing them to see their kids”.

Your partner has all the power to ensure he sees his children - he can take her to court if any nonsense. He has the power to introduce you into their lives as much or as little as he chooses.

He’s currently choosing not to, and to allow her to make the rules. No way does he have to do that.

I agree in that he can go to court, but there's no real enforcement. He can go to court, get granted access and she can simply not be at home for pick up. Or she can just not answer the door and his only option is to go back to course. Rinse and repeat. Eventually, maybe, a very small chance he would get to be the RP and she would get access but we're talking a long number of years and if in those years the kids get old enough to give the court their own opinion (or often one mum has instilled in them) and they choose to live with mum and not see dad then it's all been for nothing.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/10/2021 13:18

@Getyourarseofffthequattro maybe you’re right. But that’s a high risk game for the ex as it could easily go the other way!

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