Partner's ex wants veto on me seeing their kids at all

[Stripepuppydream]

I am 42 tomorrow, no children, my boyfriend of 1 year is 42, I recently met his kids for the first time (9 and 11, boys) at a small BBQ with other family/friends (not the ex wife) which went really well. We live 1.5 hours apart so I had packed a bag ready to stay elsewhere that evening as my partner had his boys over. However while I was out of earshot they asked if I was staying over, my partner asked them if it was OK, they said yes, and could I come to watch them play football in the morning. All went well, my partner umpired so I walked the dogs around the field and did not chat with any parents, not sure who knew the ex wife, and feeling very aware this was family territory.

That afternoon when the kids were dropped back with their mum, she realised I had stayed and been to football, had not discussed that scenario with my partner in advance and so was upset. I can understand that and was annoyed with my partner for not having checked with her first, included her in the decision and not having made it clear to me she hadn't OKd that. The result is, I am no longer allowed to be in the house around the boys, to stay over if he has them, or to go to football etc. Lets be clear, we've been going out for a year and I have not impacted on their contact and time with their Dad, kids have met me once.

I am incredibly disappointed that my partner is asking me to align with his ex wife's requirements to stay in the background for longer. There are no accusations of anything improper that I am aware of, just that he is prepared to run this at the speed his ex requests because, in his words, she will try to stop him seeing the kids if he doesn't. I cant see this happening as they are both so committed to supporting the boys football commitments which requires both of them to work together for lifts etc. She has a full time job and a business start up (MLM ... but that's another story) so needs the support of my partner to enable the work they both do to continue. She also works in child protection so I dont think could just stop him seeing the kids without a good reason, and there is none. Ive always been prepared to meet her but am not having my life and relationship progress determined by her demands when there is nothing to worry about in terms of impact on the boys. Everyone (their family and family friends) likes me, boys have not been upset etc. by idea of Dad having a girlfriend, they want to come and visit me at some point, love my dog (who they have met more often than me!), it worked out as perfectly as you could have asked for. But ex wife is still not happy and I my partner is not sticking up for what he thinks is right for him, for me, and the only way my relationship remains possible is if I do as I am told.

What do you think? Should I be compliant and jump through more hoops of approval so the ex wife/Mum is happy with the pace etc of my contact with the boys (which I am worried she may never be), do I keep investing months of my time and chunks of my heart with her seemingly having the power of veto over me and power to limit my relationship like this?

The alternative is that I say I can't take part in this any more, I can't do as they ask, and he walks away. I know this for sure as it happened this morning.

@Pippy1900

I would move my daughter to the other side of the World if I had to too stop someone I didn’t like being around her!

If it's a Hague Convention country then you'd be arrested and your dd would be delivered back to her father. You would only get supervised contact because what you did would be considered kidnapping.

She’s probably upset that you’ve been in her territory aka the football pitch.

I’d suggest a compromise of staying out of where she goes but seeing the kids in other places.

Well done OP. I know it’s upsetting but it seems like the issue wasn’t the kids or even the exwife but your then-DPs inability to resolve a conflict in an adult way. That isn’t fixable by you.

@C8H10N4O2

then being told by DP "this is what you get if you date someone with kids" and having to deal with his upset that he "just has to accept he can't have a girlfriend" (oh boo hoo) and he is busting a gut to make this work, find a solution that makes everyone happy etc etc. I have just been clear about what I'm prepared to accept, and it is not this!

That's weasel words. He knows perfectly well this is bollocks, its an excuse either because he likes the status quo or because he doesn't want to have an adult conversation with his ex about how each of them will manage future relationships with respect to the DC.

Are you the first relationship either of them has been in since the divorce?

No, the ex also had a boyfriend at some stage but it didn't get very far

@Kiduknot

She’s probably upset that you’ve been in her territory aka the football pitch.

I’d suggest a compromise of staying out of where she goes but seeing the kids in other places.

Yes, this was part of it I have found out after some very painful discussions. I don't care about the football so much, as it would have just been a key way for me to spend time with my partner because football takes up so much of their time

I think it strange that your partner placed the decision about whether you were to stay over or not in the hands of the kids. It’s not their decision to make, even if they asked. He and you should have decided in advance how you were to be introduced and the speed at which it was moving from initial intro to staying over. It was rather sprung on you. He’s the parent - he should have considered the impact a little more I think. It seems a big step.

He claims to be busting a gut to make it work and then turns out to have no sensible plan about how to play this.

Well done on not just crumbling when he suggested you should suck it up to avoid any inconvenience to him.

Looks to as if you have dodged a bullet

Yeah you are better off out of this one.

Another one saying you've made the right decision, especially if he's being all boohoo-poor-me-and-my-lonely-penis about it all.

I think sometimes men (and women) like this martyr themselves to show what great parents they are to new partners and then it explodes in their faces.

Can't believe your ex pretty much said your option was to do as you're told! Good on you OP, it sucks but he showed his colours. What a loser! You're better off without him. Too much hassle being with someone who's rules are dictated by the ex.