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Original poster

Partner's ex wants veto on me seeing their kids at all

185 replies

Stripepuppydream · 21/10/2021 18:33

I am 42 tomorrow, no children, my boyfriend of 1 year is 42, I recently met his kids for the first time (9 and 11, boys) at a small BBQ with other family/friends (not the ex wife) which went really well. We live 1.5 hours apart so I had packed a bag ready to stay elsewhere that evening as my partner had his boys over. However while I was out of earshot they asked if I was staying over, my partner asked them if it was OK, they said yes, and could I come to watch them play football in the morning. All went well, my partner umpired so I walked the dogs around the field and did not chat with any parents, not sure who knew the ex wife, and feeling very aware this was family territory.

That afternoon when the kids were dropped back with their mum, she realised I had stayed and been to football, had not discussed that scenario with my partner in advance and so was upset. I can understand that and was annoyed with my partner for not having checked with her first, included her in the decision and not having made it clear to me she hadn't OKd that. The result is, I am no longer allowed to be in the house around the boys, to stay over if he has them, or to go to football etc. Lets be clear, we've been going out for a year and I have not impacted on their contact and time with their Dad, kids have met me once.

I am incredibly disappointed that my partner is asking me to align with his ex wife's requirements to stay in the background for longer. There are no accusations of anything improper that I am aware of, just that he is prepared to run this at the speed his ex requests because, in his words, she will try to stop him seeing the kids if he doesn't. I cant see this happening as they are both so committed to supporting the boys football commitments which requires both of them to work together for lifts etc. She has a full time job and a business start up (MLM ... but that's another story) so needs the support of my partner to enable the work they both do to continue. She also works in child protection so I dont think could just stop him seeing the kids without a good reason, and there is none. Ive always been prepared to meet her but am not having my life and relationship progress determined by her demands when there is nothing to worry about in terms of impact on the boys. Everyone (their family and family friends) likes me, boys have not been upset etc. by idea of Dad having a girlfriend, they want to come and visit me at some point, love my dog (who they have met more often than me!), it worked out as perfectly as you could have asked for. But ex wife is still not happy and I my partner is not sticking up for what he thinks is right for him, for me, and the only way my relationship remains possible is if I do as I am told.

What do you think? Should I be compliant and jump through more hoops of approval so the ex wife/Mum is happy with the pace etc of my contact with the boys (which I am worried she may never be), do I keep investing months of my time and chunks of my heart with her seemingly having the power of veto over me and power to limit my relationship like this?

The alternative is that I say I can't take part in this any more, I can't do as they ask, and he walks away. I know this for sure as it happened this morning.

OP posts:
Milkshake54 · 21/10/2021 19:07

I think I’m going against the grain here… but I don’t think a year is very long to have been dating someone as expect to be a fixture in their lives. I wasn’t long out of the honeymoon period at a year and that wasn’t in a Covid time where I imagine your relationship hasn’t been to grow at the same rate with 5ish months of lockdown.

If i was the ex-wife in this situation I would be a little wary. Especially working in child protection (as I do), which makes you a little more wary of the world in general.

What I would ask of your partner though is about her time frames etc, so he came say to her ‘I see me and stripepuppydream being long term, I imagine we may be living together within the next x amount of time, so how can we compromise around this’

GrapeViney · 21/10/2021 19:08

Also, happy birthday for tomorrow Smile

Milkshake54 · 21/10/2021 19:08

Also, she won’t be able to stop contact - and she will know this!

But you also have to be aware that the children could be telling her something different to what they have said and how they have presented with you and their dad - as they will likely feel protective of her and not want to see her upset/hurt

Somebodylikeyew · 21/10/2021 19:11

I think staying over the first time they met you was really poor judgement on both your parts.

If the relationship is otherwise good i might be inclined to stay for now, but if this carries on another six months I’d be out of there.

Pippy1900 · 21/10/2021 19:11

I assume this man has legal rights formalised in the divorce that mean he is the responsible
Parent when the children are with him. She cannot say how he behaves when he is the parent. Is taking it slow going to mean she decides she. You get to move in, or marry or maybe have your own child: I had my daughter at 42! I wouldn’t just leave, I would clarify his legal rights and how much power she has then tell him his life with her is over and starting fresh with you. If he is isnt prepared to accept that then you have your answer!

BananaPB · 21/10/2021 19:11

If he's not ready to parent without his ex telling him how to do it then he's not ready for a new relationship. I don't mean exes should ignore dangerous behaviour. I mean that once parents have split up it's up to them to use their judgement on stuff like meeting new partners. 1 year is very reasonable to wait to be introduced (and I'm an ex wife and not a step mother) He decided that he wanted you to meet the boys and stay over so he should be owning that decision instead of checking that it's ok with his ex.

The problem is with your bf

Babyghirl · 21/10/2021 19:12

@Stripepuppydream
I was there for nearly 4 years, until she meet someone then it became OK but now her and her partner have now split up she being awkward again. But Its different for me as me and my dp have bought a house together and live together and engaged to be married. Only thing is my dp does not listen to anything she says it's up to her if she let's them stay with us she no problem with the 14 yo wee boy staying but holds back on the wee girl.

Think it started when I bought the wee girl a beautiful outfit a dress as tbh I never seen her dressed like that and I know she Is a girly girly done her hair got her dressed to go home one day and mum never liked it. That another woman dressed up her daughter would not annoy me as long as they treated my kids well.

toocold54 · 21/10/2021 19:13

So you’ve been with him for 1 year and only just met his kids? - I can’t see anything wrong with that.

For me personally I think it’s better to meet them and not stay over that night - just because it can be quite overwhelming to meet your dads new gf and you just need time to digest it even if she’s lovely (I remember meeting my dads gf).

But the ex is being completely unacceptable and over the top.
How long have they been split up?

5zeds · 21/10/2021 19:15

I think you shouldn’t have stayed over, which makes me think your do isn’t great at making thoughtful plans. That said I’d tell him that won’t work for you and move on. It sounds SO disrespectful and if it was for the boys, fine, but it’s for his X.

Harlequin1088 · 21/10/2021 19:21

My partner has two children from his previous marriage. If his ex-wife had tried to run our relationship for us under the guise of having the children's best interests at heart, I'd have scream laughed until I ran out of air 😂

As others have said, you have a partner problem here. He should be telling his ex-wife to shove off and since he hasn't, I think now might be the time to walk away else you'll have years of this shit.

AutumnLeafy · 21/10/2021 19:25

He's chosen the ex over you. He hasn't chosen the kids over you, which would have been understandable.

TheChip · 21/10/2021 19:33

This is the first hurdle and you're already considering packing it in. For that reason alone, I'd say walk away before you do become entwined with the kids.

The fact she works in child protection probably makes her more aware of damages that can be done with children who get attached to partners who up and vanish, so she's probably more cautious than most.

Timetoretiretospain · 21/10/2021 19:41

@GrapeViney

If I were you I'd have a serious conversation with DP about how unhappy and ridiculous the situation is and that you're not happy to not being taken into account in the slightest.

You are going to risk losing your DP by standing up to the bs you're being put through but if he isn't going to do anything about it do you really want to be with the guy long term anyway?

I was trying to find a way to say this . I think he sounds lovely and you do too but a clear conversation is needed. X
AnneLovesGilbert · 21/10/2021 19:49

I’d walk away. I’m a step mum of many years, my DSC were much younger when we got together. Even with very clear boundaries it can be hard and they clearly don’t have those.

I cannot urge you enough to end it now, he’s chosen his’s wishes over yours and that’s how it’s always going to be with him. If a year in he’s willing to compromise your relationship to appease a ridiculous request like this he isn’t committed to you or a future with you and he’s going to end up miserable and alone if he doesn’t grow a spine.

You know she’d never stop contact because she needs him to have them regularly, I’m sure his logical brain knows that too. But his gut reaction is to pander to her and that, I’m afraid, tells you what the pecking order looks like. Now and forever.

You are worth more than this. Do yourself a favour and ditch him.

77wasmyyear · 21/10/2021 19:57

Honestly walk away now or it will be years later and you are still expected to dance together tune and worse will be the unreasonable one if you ever try to assert your own needs
Been there

77wasmyyear · 21/10/2021 19:58

To her tune not together ! Posted before reading it over

lovelovelove2 · 21/10/2021 20:07

It's about control she wants control of what goes on. He either tells her it's not her decision or you will have to walk because she will get worse if she gets away with it.

bogoffmda · 21/10/2021 20:16

He screwed up - this would probably have been avoided if he had shown her some respect aswell.

Her reaction not sustainable, but being blindsided and not prepared for questions from their DCS and acceptable answers - bloody stupid on his part.

You sound lovely

Bluetrews25 · 21/10/2021 20:17

I can see why people are saying to walk away.
BUT if you do, that just kind of backs up that she was right all along to keep DCs away from you as you were just a temp.
A bit of a self fulfilling prophecy.
Better outcome would be for you and DP to discuss, and him to tell ExP that you are trusted, and she cannot make these demands.
Good luck!

Rainbowqueeen · 21/10/2021 20:20

I’d be wondering what the kids had told her TBH.

I would not put up with this. I’d have no problem with him talking to her about it to make sure the DC hadn’t said anything that was not correct ( for example does she know you have been together for a year?). But I would expect him to be very clear with her that she can’t control what happens during his time with the DC and that he won’t be giving in to her demands

WaltzingBetty · 21/10/2021 20:25

He is an equal parent. It's his choice who they see/what they do at his house.
He needs to stop prioritising his ex

This isn't about him choosing his kids over you - the kids are clearly fine. It's about him choosing to upset you rather than upset his ex.

gogohm · 21/10/2021 20:31

The ex has no right to dictate what he does or who he says when it's his contact time. If after a year he's still not willing to confront her I would be wary.

As a contrast I met dps dds a few weeks after we met

albenpure · 21/10/2021 20:33

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PosiePerkinPootleFlump · 21/10/2021 20:36

I think TravelLost's advice is good. I don't think this is a 'dump him immediately' scenario but it's certainly time for a serious conversation where you make it clear you won't stand for it.
I suspect he has picked what he sees as the path of least resistance here. That's shit behaviour on his part and he needs to understand that.
If he can get it, and take it on board, and tell the ex tough I think you have a future together. If he can't... Then probably not

Peace43 · 21/10/2021 20:45

I think you were wrong to stay over the first night you met them. However the ex doesn’t get to say who the kids see when they are with their dad. If the kids were bothered by it she could have flagged to their dad and then he could make better choices but she doesn’t get to dictate (my exH has introduced DD to his gf… it’s 100% none of my business). You have a DP problem.

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