Partner's ex wants veto on me seeing their kids at all

[Stripepuppydream]

I am 42 tomorrow, no children, my boyfriend of 1 year is 42, I recently met his kids for the first time (9 and 11, boys) at a small BBQ with other family/friends (not the ex wife) which went really well. We live 1.5 hours apart so I had packed a bag ready to stay elsewhere that evening as my partner had his boys over. However while I was out of earshot they asked if I was staying over, my partner asked them if it was OK, they said yes, and could I come to watch them play football in the morning. All went well, my partner umpired so I walked the dogs around the field and did not chat with any parents, not sure who knew the ex wife, and feeling very aware this was family territory.

That afternoon when the kids were dropped back with their mum, she realised I had stayed and been to football, had not discussed that scenario with my partner in advance and so was upset. I can understand that and was annoyed with my partner for not having checked with her first, included her in the decision and not having made it clear to me she hadn't OKd that. The result is, I am no longer allowed to be in the house around the boys, to stay over if he has them, or to go to football etc. Lets be clear, we've been going out for a year and I have not impacted on their contact and time with their Dad, kids have met me once.

I am incredibly disappointed that my partner is asking me to align with his ex wife's requirements to stay in the background for longer. There are no accusations of anything improper that I am aware of, just that he is prepared to run this at the speed his ex requests because, in his words, she will try to stop him seeing the kids if he doesn't. I cant see this happening as they are both so committed to supporting the boys football commitments which requires both of them to work together for lifts etc. She has a full time job and a business start up (MLM ... but that's another story) so needs the support of my partner to enable the work they both do to continue. She also works in child protection so I dont think could just stop him seeing the kids without a good reason, and there is none. Ive always been prepared to meet her but am not having my life and relationship progress determined by her demands when there is nothing to worry about in terms of impact on the boys. Everyone (their family and family friends) likes me, boys have not been upset etc. by idea of Dad having a girlfriend, they want to come and visit me at some point, love my dog (who they have met more often than me!), it worked out as perfectly as you could have asked for. But ex wife is still not happy and I my partner is not sticking up for what he thinks is right for him, for me, and the only way my relationship remains possible is if I do as I am told.

What do you think? Should I be compliant and jump through more hoops of approval so the ex wife/Mum is happy with the pace etc of my contact with the boys (which I am worried she may never be), do I keep investing months of my time and chunks of my heart with her seemingly having the power of veto over me and power to limit my relationship like this?

The alternative is that I say I can't take part in this any more, I can't do as they ask, and he walks away. I know this for sure as it happened this morning.

I love this place - everyone gets so excited…. Chil out - I’m playing Devil’s advocate - but hilarious how “emotional” everyone gets. Try not sleeping with your boyfriend the same night you meet his kids! I’m sure that won’t confuse or upset them!

I think there is some very harsh judgment of the father on this story. He is very unsure perhaps of the law and divorcing men get their heads full of stories about losing access on an ex wife's whim. It might help him to consult a lawyer about access and his rights and about her attaching ridiculous conditions to access.
The wife seems to be an unpleasant woman ready to weaponise the children out of sheer spite. She is paying no mind to the wishes of the children and the damage
to them of not seeing their Dad.
I doubt she'll take it to court . A lawyer would advise against trying to impose conditions on her ex husband.

@Pippy1900

I assume this man has legal rights formalised in the divorce that mean he is the responsible Parent when the children are with him. She cannot say how he behaves when he is the parent. Is taking it slow going to mean she decides she. You get to move in, or marry or maybe have your own child: I had my daughter at 42! I wouldn’t just leave, I would clarify his legal rights and how much power she has then tell him his life with her is over and starting fresh with you. If he is isnt prepared to accept that then you have your answer!

What does this even mean? I don't think it's helpful to the OP to attempt advice on legalities you don't understand.

So meeting the kids, staying the night, going to football the next day all happened in TWO DAYS.

The kids Mum knows nothing about you, she doesn't know you've been together for a year.

YABU - you have done way too much in one weekend. I was going to say too soon - BUT you should have been easing into things over the year.

Did the kids Mum even know you existed before this?

She's reacting unreasonable because the pair of you have behave unreasonably.

I've been there, I've lost count of how many girlfriends my daughters dad has had but at least he didnt keep them a secret and then straight into a weekend.

@Pippy1900

I love this place - everyone gets so excited…. Chil out - I’m playing Devil’s advocate - but hilarious how “emotional” everyone gets. Try not sleeping with your boyfriend the same night you meet his kids! I’m sure that won’t confuse or upset them!

A lot more succinctly put than I did.

Yes OP YABU.

Oh god this brings back memories.

Run, don't walk away. You don't want this shit in your life trust me. I'm talking from the place of bitter experience. He will continue to dance to her tune at your expense and over time you'll get absolutely sick of it.

She has zero rights to dictate to this extent and the fact he allows her to and panders to it is a massive red flag.

@Pippy1900

“Relationships break down and people move on. Just because there's a child involved doesn't mean the other parent has any say over who their ex spends time with.”

I wouldn’t have any interest who an ex spent time with. I do however, have the right to have a say in who my daughter would spend time with. I am a Teacher - so I’ve seen all the child protection issues too. I would do whatever my daughter needed - but I’m just saying how hard it would be. Also, this msn may have cheated on the mother and she has unresolved pain - you really need to look at it from her viewpoint too!

Ah bless you. No, you wouldn't be able to dictate who he spent time with during his contact.

OP I know his children are rightfully a big part of his life and probably his time, but a year isn't that long really. He should stand up to his ex, yes, but for whatever reason he doesn't feel comfortable doing so, and that's his choice to prioritise his children- the right choice really. As time passes things might change, they might not, if you aren't happy with that then agree with others that it's best to leave.

As in, who him and your daughter have contscf with.

I was going to say treat it as an amber warning, see how things develop over a period of time and reassess if there isn't progress, but given his reaction it is better to call it a day now.

It's good that he takes his relationship with the children seriously, but there has to be balance and he can't put the ex ahead of your needs as a couple every time. There has to be compromise on all sides, not him compromising you every time.

I would take that as the relationship ending, tbh.

You can do much better. Don't put up with this man's pathetic behaviour.

It seems like your DP has a good relationship with the children. I don't see any problem you staying overnight. It doesn't seem like the boys were bothered. The person with the problem was the controlling ex. Ultimately it's a choice for your partner between you and his ex and if he can't stand up to her, your lives will never be your own and it won't get easier so it's good you've discovered this now. You do right to walk away from such a weak-willed man.

The ex is controlling him. It sound as if she doesn't want him to be happy. Neither is she happy that you are getting involved with her children. Your spineless partner should support you on this. Why is he letting his ex do this?

Oh dear!
The ex Wife sounds vengeful and the Boyfriend sounds spineless.
And I say this as someone who was divorced.
Bitter ex Wives can impact very negatively on the children .
What a weak man he sounds.

@RelentlessForwardProgress

I think meeting the children for the first time and spending the night there that very first time you met them was too much.

And I think your partner asking the kids if it was OK and them saying yes does not mean it was OK with them, they might have gone home and told their mum they were uncomfortable, hence her pushing back.

I think this was a problem entirely of your DP's making, and his lack of insight on this would be a red flag for me. I'd be judging him not the mum, tbh.

This

@Pippy1900

I love this place - everyone gets so excited…. Chil out - I’m playing Devil’s advocate - but hilarious how “emotional” everyone gets. Try not sleeping with your boyfriend the same night you meet his kids! I’m sure that won’t confuse or upset them!

I love this reply you're getting too excited to use full-stops Chill out I'm playing Devil's Advocate but hilarious how "emotional" you get. Try not pruriently concerning yourself with other adults' sleeping arrangements! I'm sure that won't confuse or upset you!

It is not her decision to decide who her ex is a longterm relationship with or when you can see the DC.
If he had a string of continuous girlfriends meeting the DC it would be different.

Am I the only one here who doesn't particularly care if my ex had a new gf, been dating her for a year. The kids know about her and she met them at football (low key event) and she stayed the night ?
I mean they aren't toddlers or babies, and should have some grip on reality.

If you have a child with a man, on some level I would hope to be able to trust their judgement somewhat, as once upon a time they chose you ?

The ex can't control who DP sees and since it's not been fast, you have been respectful I don't see the problem. The kids aren't at a age where if they have any problems or issues they can't open their mouths and talk.

This isn't about the kids it's about retaining control. However DH should be able to laugh and go nope sorry to the ex. If you walk away depends on how much effort you think DP is worth and if he gives you a actual time line for change. It can't stay this way until they are 18 as that's crackers

OP this board is called the first wives club as a nickname, that might account for some of the interesting responses on here.

@Pippy1900

I didn’t say I wouldn’t do it, just that I would find it unbearable. I am lovely, thank you for recognising that. I don’t thinks it’s unreasonable to not allow someone else to call your daughter “Mum”. She’s not the mum!

Nobody has suggested they do and that isn't what you said at all. You will damage your child. Is that what you really want?

@Pippy1900

I would move my daughter to the other side of the World if I had to too stop someone I didn’t like being around her!

What an excellent mother you are. Taking your daughter away from everything she knows and stopping her relationship With her father out of spite and jealousy.

This is literally what people talk about when they say "psycho ex"

Your DP is the problem here and I don't know why you would let him treat you this way.
It's been a year. I don't subscribe to the idea that you can't introduce children to a partner until 5 years down the track. Kids are incredibly resilient, take their cues from us and if there are 'issues' it's almost always from the parent who wants to dictate what the other can do on their time.

His time, his decision who they see and what they do. If he won't advocate for you now, he really isn't ever going to. You deserve more.

@Pippy1900

I would move my daughter to the other side of the World if I had to too stop someone I didn’t like being around her!

Really? You'd move your daughter away from her life, all of her friends, her family, her school, her father, all to stop someone YOU didn't like, not someone SHE didn't like, being around her?

And you think YOU'RE the better parent in that scenario? And find it funny?

You'd be a far, far worse parent than your ExH would be for introducing a partner slightly too quickly.

There is nothing about what you're saying that says "good mother". All it says is "possessive and selfish".

So he has told you to just suck it up?

Well you can't pretend you don't know where you stand.

I hope you have enough self respect to move on.

If you don't, you can't be surprised if this ends badly for you.

Good luck.

If you have a child with a man, on some level I would hope to be able to trust their judgement somewhat, as once upon a time they chose you ?
If Mumsnet is anything to go by that level of critical thinking doesn't enter into the 'decision' to procreate.

@WhiskyXray

It fascinates me, that the posters who accuse people of being over emotional are the ones who use the most emotive language.

@Pippy1900

Is it a bit of projection on your part? You're the one who thinks a father getting a new girl friend necessitates International kidnap.

@Pippy1900

I wouldn’t have any interest who an ex spent time with. I do however, have the right to have a say in who my daughter would spend time with.

You don't though, legally. You don't have the legal right to have a say in who your daughter spends time with during contact time with her father.

If there are child protection issues you would absolutely have the right to flag them.

Otherwise, your ex has the legal right to introduce whoever he wants to your daughter during his contact time. Just as you do during yours.

Your post re never allowing your daughter to call someone her step-mum, were you to split with her dad and him remarry, is staggeringly selfish. You backtracked and then said you wouldn't allow her to call another woman 'mum' which most people would agree with. But you originally said you wouldn't allow her to call another woman her 'step mum' which is batshit.

You seem to think your daughter is a possession or an extension of you and only you as a person. She is in fact a person in her own right who deserves to be prioritised even in hypothetical scenarios.

You sound exactly the type of person to punish an ex using a child as a pawn. Hopefully your daughter never has to experience that.