Partner's ex wants veto on me seeing their kids at all

[Stripepuppydream]

I am 42 tomorrow, no children, my boyfriend of 1 year is 42, I recently met his kids for the first time (9 and 11, boys) at a small BBQ with other family/friends (not the ex wife) which went really well. We live 1.5 hours apart so I had packed a bag ready to stay elsewhere that evening as my partner had his boys over. However while I was out of earshot they asked if I was staying over, my partner asked them if it was OK, they said yes, and could I come to watch them play football in the morning. All went well, my partner umpired so I walked the dogs around the field and did not chat with any parents, not sure who knew the ex wife, and feeling very aware this was family territory.

That afternoon when the kids were dropped back with their mum, she realised I had stayed and been to football, had not discussed that scenario with my partner in advance and so was upset. I can understand that and was annoyed with my partner for not having checked with her first, included her in the decision and not having made it clear to me she hadn't OKd that. The result is, I am no longer allowed to be in the house around the boys, to stay over if he has them, or to go to football etc. Lets be clear, we've been going out for a year and I have not impacted on their contact and time with their Dad, kids have met me once.

I am incredibly disappointed that my partner is asking me to align with his ex wife's requirements to stay in the background for longer. There are no accusations of anything improper that I am aware of, just that he is prepared to run this at the speed his ex requests because, in his words, she will try to stop him seeing the kids if he doesn't. I cant see this happening as they are both so committed to supporting the boys football commitments which requires both of them to work together for lifts etc. She has a full time job and a business start up (MLM ... but that's another story) so needs the support of my partner to enable the work they both do to continue. She also works in child protection so I dont think could just stop him seeing the kids without a good reason, and there is none. Ive always been prepared to meet her but am not having my life and relationship progress determined by her demands when there is nothing to worry about in terms of impact on the boys. Everyone (their family and family friends) likes me, boys have not been upset etc. by idea of Dad having a girlfriend, they want to come and visit me at some point, love my dog (who they have met more often than me!), it worked out as perfectly as you could have asked for. But ex wife is still not happy and I my partner is not sticking up for what he thinks is right for him, for me, and the only way my relationship remains possible is if I do as I am told.

What do you think? Should I be compliant and jump through more hoops of approval so the ex wife/Mum is happy with the pace etc of my contact with the boys (which I am worried she may never be), do I keep investing months of my time and chunks of my heart with her seemingly having the power of veto over me and power to limit my relationship like this?

The alternative is that I say I can't take part in this any more, I can't do as they ask, and he walks away. I know this for sure as it happened this morning.

What do you think? Should I be compliant and jump through more hoops of approval so the ex wife/Mum is happy with the pace etc of my contact with the boys (which I am worried she may never be), do I keep investing months of my time and chunks of my heart with her seemingly having the power of veto over me and power to limit my relationship like this?

I think, regardless of her attempts at a veto, they seem pretty enmeshed still with the childcare/business. You would never be wife, just concubine at best. You've not even interacted with the kids yet, and she's got you fighting already.

I would walk, and tell him he'll have the same problem whichever woman he chooses. And that the ones he'd want to stay will be the ones that walk.

If you're still havering, spend some time on the Stepparenting forum and see what lies ahead for you.

She's a controlling jealous ex and he's a wimp. Neither of them will change.

I feel for you OP, I can speak from experience as to how hard it is when your partner caters to their exes every whim for fear of them being denied time with their children. In my relationship it became a she said jump, he said how high scenario and he wasn’t bothered who else lost out, including his two children from our relationship. It got much worse when his ex moved further away and so in order to keep seeing his child, every week my partner would drive a three hour round trip on a Friday and then again on a Sunday which I found extremely tough when my own kids were small and he was also working very long hours. We toughed it out and it’s got better eventually but it took a lot of resolve on my part and acceptance that what I or our children wanted or needed would always be very much at the bottom of his list. It’s not something you can’t do if you really want to but I have to say I found it tough.

Tell your boyfriend how you feel. He needs to grow a pair and stop being dictated to by the ex. You sound really lovely and have taken a year to get to know him before meeting his children. Ex wife wants control over your relationship with her ex and should not have that. Does she have a new boyfriend/girlfriend etc, is that ok, does your boyfriend veto her time with anyone she sees.

If he doesn't sort this then walk away for your own sanity and self worth. Good luck @Stripepuppydream

@Bluetrews25

I can see why people are saying to walk away. BUT if you do, that just kind of backs up that she was right all along to keep DCs away from you as you were just a temp. A bit of a self fulfilling prophecy. Better outcome would be for you and DP to discuss, and him to tell ExP that you are trusted, and she cannot make these demands. Good luck!

You’re right in a way but it’s not OP’s problem what this woman thinks. What her partner thinks is, and he needs to realise that this behaviour isn’t going to let him move on and have a decent relationship because he’s still too enmeshed with his ex. He shouldn’t need telling that no self respecting woman will put up with this crap.

So the ex wins? OP does too, she spares herself a lot of hassle and heartache trying to get this man to show he loves her and chooses her, rather than his controlling ex. The DP loses because he’s not going to be able to sustain a relationship.

We toughed it out and it’s got better eventually but it took a lot of resolve on my part and acceptance that what I or our children wanted or needed would always be very much at the bottom of his list.

I couldn’t live like this. How utterly heartbreaking for your children.

Oh god. I had this. First time I met my ex’s children she had to go somewhere so we took them to soft play. Following weekend, she dropped them off and rang stating she didn’t want me there while her children were. Was ok the previous week though 🤷‍♀️
What irritated me the most was that my ex (note ex) said “ it’s ok Flibbertygibbet is going now “, didn’t stand up for me.
In hindsight I should have walked away at that point, but I put up for two years of his weakness and his stroppy ex.
I understand why he was like he was, but never again would I put up with that. Walk away now, it’ll not get any better.

I’m torn. Either you walk away, or you set some strict expectations over him managing his ex - it may well be she’s just reacting and she’ll calm down - maybe she is upset at you being serious as she hadn’t realised. He may know this and that she will relent shortly. Although has he reassured you of anything like this, that’s she’s all talk and will calm down?

I don’t think it’s odd for you to stay over. You had a full afternoon with them and they are old enough to comprehend what’s going on, especially if he’s talked to them about you plenty before. I think you’ve been very thoughtful and given plenty of space up to now.

My dad used to introduce me and my brother to every woman he met (and my mum had no clue/input), or so it felt like so maybe I’m a bit off!

Thanks so much everyone, I appreciate your feedback so much. Many of you have reflected my thoughts and feelings. After a month of dancing around the outfall from that day I properly met the kids, trying to see how things will work, getting upset and explaining I don't feel important enough, then being told by DP "this is what you get if you date someone with kids" and having to deal with his upset that he "just has to accept he can't have a girlfriend" (oh boo hoo) and he is busting a gut to make this work, find a solution that makes everyone happy etc etc. I have just been clear about what I'm prepared to accept, and it is not this!
Just in reply to a couple of points others made, I'd met one of the boys once having dropped off my dog with DP for a weekend, but I wasn't labelled as girlfriend at that point, and have chatted to them both a bit in video calls, so it wasn't a 'big first meet', it was very low key. Also I decided to let him lead with the family and kids meetings as it was creating tension when I asked if he had thought about what to do if certain scenarios cropped up. I thought I'd feel comforted by knowing the detail of how it would work and to be reassured he had thought it all through, but realised that I had to let him lead, they are his kids who he knows best and I can't control the whole thing. But his lead was rubbish and you're right, I think he has caused the problem, and Im annoyed he ducked out so easily when I set boundaries. But there we go.
From a single child free woman to you all, thanks!!

You've had a lucky escape OP.

Being in a relationship where your life is dictated by your partners ex is a terrible place to be. Sm have the highest rates of depression in a step family. No other relationship would you put up with what SM are supposed to put up with in the name of - you know i had kids

Maybe losing you will give him the chance to see that he knows he has dc and how that will impact on another relationship. He may even come back in a few days time after realising what he's losing.

It was an unexpected situation that neither you nor the mom anticipated. There is a big difference between a low-key "here is dad's friend that you're meeting informally" versus "dad's girlfriend is staying over tonight in your home".

If something similar happens again, yes, I'd rethink the whole relationship. But, right now, I think both you and the mom should be blaming the dad. Neither of you did anything wrong but the dad dropped both of you in it.

Sorry op sounds like do will always listen to ex wife. I'd leave him as sounds like future heart break

I think it's been a bit of an jump to meeting then very recently to then quickly staying over while they are there. I can see both sides

I would block and ghost him.
It's all he's worth.

I think meeting to staying over his quite a big jump No point delighting slowly then rushing to do everything in one day, it sort of negates the point. However, it is up your dp not his wife but I get they impression keeping his good relationship with her is very important to him for the same of the children.

then being told by DP "this is what you get if you date someone with kids" and having to deal with his upset that he "just has to accept he can't have a girlfriend" (oh boo hoo) and he is busting a gut to make this work, find a solution that makes everyone happy etc etc. I have just been clear about what I'm prepared to accept, and it is not this!

That's weasel words. He knows perfectly well this is bollocks, its an excuse either because he likes the status quo or because he doesn't want to have an adult conversation with his ex about how each of them will manage future relationships with respect to the DC.

Are you the first relationship either of them has been in since the divorce?

Walk and don't look back

I think it's really sad that you've ended things.
You dated for a year without impacting their contact time so I don't know why you couldn't have waited a little longer or why he couldn't tell the ex you just wouldn't stay over while the kids are there.

It's not like you live together so you don't have to be there all the time.

It just shows that she was right and the relationship wasn't meant to be long term. It's a shame that you did meet his kids now.

Another one saying I’d walk away and don’t look back

Happy birthday 🎉 💐

It just shows that she was right and the relationship wasn't meant to be long term. It's a shame that you did meet his kids now.

It shows the op has boundaries and she's not prepared to be dictated to by, and play second fiddle to this woman.

Good for you op.

You’ve just done yourself the hugest favour EVER!

Hundreds or thousands of us should have made the decision you’ve made; NOT to put up with this batshittery from either the ex or the weak boyf. She’s going to make his life hell and he’s going to let her.

You say she’s in CP? Then she’ll know what to say/do to make him comply with her demands

At least now your boyf had the opportunity to do some thinking and work out that he needs to stand up for himself but that’s when the batshittery starts

This relationship dynamic is a slow car crash. You’ve made the absolute best Decision

A friend of mine had this. She met her partner years after he had split up from his wife and they started living together, but his ex said she was not allowed to see the kids!

I thought it was a red flag and was surprised she put up with it.

What I will say though is that now the kids are grown up it's all fine they all see each other and she even has an amicable relationship with the ex. However, do you want to wait that long?

Oh I see you've ended things.

Yup @MzHz that's a really good point. A CP social worker who is also a crazy ex would be an utterly awful situation to be in.

I don't necessarily think you staying over was the right thing to do. When my dcs dad did things like this I may have raised an eyebrow and slagged him off to my friends. I never ever demanded he not do something in his contact time though and that's the difference between crazy ex and not crazy ex.

Please don't think these problems will end when DC reach 18. Adult step children can be a nightmare also their mum can continue to be. They might not have the same hold over the DC but they can make future family events uncomfortable. Does EXW still have contact with your DP family?