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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner's ex wants veto on me seeing their kids at all

185 replies

Stripepuppydream · 21/10/2021 18:33

I am 42 tomorrow, no children, my boyfriend of 1 year is 42, I recently met his kids for the first time (9 and 11, boys) at a small BBQ with other family/friends (not the ex wife) which went really well. We live 1.5 hours apart so I had packed a bag ready to stay elsewhere that evening as my partner had his boys over. However while I was out of earshot they asked if I was staying over, my partner asked them if it was OK, they said yes, and could I come to watch them play football in the morning. All went well, my partner umpired so I walked the dogs around the field and did not chat with any parents, not sure who knew the ex wife, and feeling very aware this was family territory.

That afternoon when the kids were dropped back with their mum, she realised I had stayed and been to football, had not discussed that scenario with my partner in advance and so was upset. I can understand that and was annoyed with my partner for not having checked with her first, included her in the decision and not having made it clear to me she hadn't OKd that. The result is, I am no longer allowed to be in the house around the boys, to stay over if he has them, or to go to football etc. Lets be clear, we've been going out for a year and I have not impacted on their contact and time with their Dad, kids have met me once.

I am incredibly disappointed that my partner is asking me to align with his ex wife's requirements to stay in the background for longer. There are no accusations of anything improper that I am aware of, just that he is prepared to run this at the speed his ex requests because, in his words, she will try to stop him seeing the kids if he doesn't. I cant see this happening as they are both so committed to supporting the boys football commitments which requires both of them to work together for lifts etc. She has a full time job and a business start up (MLM ... but that's another story) so needs the support of my partner to enable the work they both do to continue. She also works in child protection so I dont think could just stop him seeing the kids without a good reason, and there is none. Ive always been prepared to meet her but am not having my life and relationship progress determined by her demands when there is nothing to worry about in terms of impact on the boys. Everyone (their family and family friends) likes me, boys have not been upset etc. by idea of Dad having a girlfriend, they want to come and visit me at some point, love my dog (who they have met more often than me!), it worked out as perfectly as you could have asked for. But ex wife is still not happy and I my partner is not sticking up for what he thinks is right for him, for me, and the only way my relationship remains possible is if I do as I am told.

What do you think? Should I be compliant and jump through more hoops of approval so the ex wife/Mum is happy with the pace etc of my contact with the boys (which I am worried she may never be), do I keep investing months of my time and chunks of my heart with her seemingly having the power of veto over me and power to limit my relationship like this?

The alternative is that I say I can't take part in this any more, I can't do as they ask, and he walks away. I know this for sure as it happened this morning.

OP posts:

WhiskyXray · 22/10/2021 13:20

Good for you, OP. Hope you are feeling ok.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 22/10/2021 13:21

[quote GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing]@Getyourarseofffthequattro maybe you’re right. But that’s a high risk game for the ex as it could easily go the other way![/quote]
It's not really... It's rare that a judge would change residency the first time even the second... They don't like to do it understandably. But like you said about abusive men having the power, abusive women have this power too and many use it.

ihavespoken · 22/10/2021 13:23

Sorry just RTFT. Sorry he turned out to be such a nob but glad you've resolved it now

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/10/2021 13:24

What I think I’m trying to convey is that non abusive people can often be a bit too fearful in dealing with an exp who, while perhaps not abusive as such, is being difficult and doesn’t have the children’s best interests at heart.

I appreciate it’s better to agree and get on but he can’t let her hold this over him.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 22/10/2021 13:26

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

I appreciate it’s better to agree and get on but he can’t let her hold this over him.

Oh yeah I agree, I'm by no means saying don't try. He absolutely should. I'm just saying that an RP can prevent access if they are set on doing that.

BananaPB · 22/10/2021 13:40

So sorry OP but I think you've done the right thing

justtheonedc · 22/10/2021 13:41

EXP said it was easier to piss me off than his ex because he could make it up to me. That went down like a cup of cold sick.

NativityDreaming · 22/10/2021 13:41

Your partner is being ridiculous letting his ex dictate what takes place in his home. I would not be staying with someone who allowed this. Hi ex is being ridiculous as well.

1forAll74 · 22/10/2021 14:07

Your partner is being a bit wimpy and unreasonable,and should be able to talk the situation through with his ex, if she is a normal , fairly intelligent woman.. She has her own set rules, with being insecure in her feelings about the children going elsewhere,, but she is doing more harm than good, that messes things up all around for everybody.

Beautiful3 · 22/10/2021 14:19

It's insane what's she's suggesting. She wants to make it difficult for your boyfriend to maintain your relationship, and for you to never bind with her children. You have a partner problem. He's not telling his ex, that the children aren't allowed to meet her boyfriends! It works both ways. I think I'd honestly walk away. You deserve so much better.

GrapeViney · 22/10/2021 14:26

It's never nice breaking up on your birthday!

I hope you're treating yourself today

lisaandalan · 22/10/2021 18:12

I can see why she is fuming, you just met them and stayed the night, I think it's very wrong. You should have met them a lot of times before staying the night in my opinion. Also she should have been informed that he had a girlfriend and wants them to meet the children and come to an agreement over it. She should have to do the same when she mets someone also.
We have to be very careful who we let get this close to our children and whom we trust with them.

AutumnLeafy · 22/10/2021 18:33

Well done OP.

aSofaNearYou · 22/10/2021 18:42

@lisaandalan

I can see why she is fuming, you just met them and stayed the night, I think it's very wrong. You should have met them a lot of times before staying the night in my opinion. Also she should have been informed that he had a girlfriend and wants them to meet the children and come to an agreement over it. She should have to do the same when she mets someone also. We have to be very careful who we let get this close to our children and whom we trust with them.

Says who, to all of this? People do not have to involve their ex anywhere near this much in their decisions.

Tillysfad · 22/10/2021 18:47

He was wrong and I'm surprised you thought this would be fine. Having an adult staying over with your kids is a big thing. If he discussed one scenario with her and a completely different one unfolded, I can understand why she feels panicked regardless of whether she had the right to veto it.

I don't think you're entirely blameless as you could easily have known this wasn't the plan and maybe mum wouldn't be ok with you playing live in mum at a first meeting.

But this incident shouldn't give the ex powers she doesn't have.

Your dp needs to apologise to both of you but going forward let the ex know the time frame (gradual) that you'll be starting to stay over and see them more. She doesn't get to dictate but she does deserve the truth and to know the game plan.

If he can't sort out this mess with the appropriate apologies and firmness I don't think you're going to have a very nice time with him. He got carried away. Does he have what it takes to climb down yet draw a line?

She can't stop him seeing his kids.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 22/10/2021 18:50

@lisaandalan

I can see why she is fuming, you just met them and stayed the night, I think it's very wrong. You should have met them a lot of times before staying the night in my opinion. Also she should have been informed that he had a girlfriend and wants them to meet the children and come to an agreement over it. She should have to do the same when she mets someone also. We have to be very careful who we let get this close to our children and whom we trust with them.

He doesn't need her agreement

aSofaNearYou · 22/10/2021 18:56

I don't think you're entirely blameless as you could easily have known this wasn't the plan and maybe mum wouldn't be ok with you playing live in mum at a first meeting.

This is a really, really ridiculous expectation to have of someone without kids. Why on Earth should she assume that and as such take "blame"? People really need to stop expecting normal people to anticipate the various, often illogical and toxic elements of post separation politics. There was no reason for her to assume mum would see it that way.

RedHelenB · 22/10/2021 19:01

@gogohm

The ex has no right to dictate what he does or who he says when it's his contact time. If after a year he's still not willing to confront her I would be wary.

As a contrast I met dps dds a few weeks after we met

That was way too soon.

Finknottlesnewt · 22/10/2021 19:03

He needs to grow a fucking backbone . Fill in a c100 . Pay £213 .

Then a judge will tell his ex that when HE has the children HE looks after and sees WHOEVER HE wishes !! and she can fuck off with her 'requirements ' !!

Pippy1900 · 22/10/2021 19:22

I am married to the father of my beautiful DD, so don’t have this concern. However, I know I would be absolute nightmare mum with anyone who wanted to be near my daughter without me around. I would never ever countenance them calling her step-mum! Just saying it from my view point - giving access of your children to another new person would be intolerable for me. Especially if I was unhappy with the father to divorce him - probably wouldn’t trust his judgement much!

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 22/10/2021 19:24

@Pippy1900

Wow you sound lovely. I hope you never get a divorce because your poor daughter will be damaged by an attitude like that.

aSofaNearYou · 22/10/2021 19:25

@Pippy1900

None of these feelings would make this behaviour reasonable.

lavenderlemon · 22/10/2021 19:26

She's trying to control his life still. The only reason she would still have an issue with this is down to jealousy. It's been a year. You could have met the boys a lot sooner.

Your parter is obviously concerned about upsetting her and losing contact with his kids. But she doesn't have a leg to stand on and he is entitled to a life.

You need to explain to him she shouldn't be controlling his life. He is a good dad and does right by his children by the sounds of it. He needs stand up to her and just explain how it is. The boys like you so far. There is no problem she is just creating one to be spiteful.

WhiskyXray · 22/10/2021 19:32

The self-awareness is not strong in this one.

TheChip · 22/10/2021 19:32

@Pippy1900

What if your husband decided he was no longer happy in the relationship, but then also told you that you couldn't introduce another partner to your daughter?

Relationships break down and people move on. Just because there's a child involved doesn't mean the other parent has any say over who their ex spends time with.
Yes, there is the decency of letting the other parent know that you are going to introduce your partner, but its not a must.

I think in the OP situation, the dad was trying to do the decent thing but failed miserably, resulting in the mother feeling anxiety and reacting a bit over the top, but I dont think you can blame her considering her job. The concerns were proven right since OP has now ended things.

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