DP comment about my son on social media

[tvsettin]

DP of seven months and I live 90 miles apart but see each other most weekends. I have a 3 year old DS who's face I do not post on my public social media. DP doesn't have any children.

My Instagram account has recently started gaining a much higher amount of followers and likes. Last night on a video call when discussing this, DP laughed and said "I wonder how many people would unfollow you if you posted your DS".

I said I used to post him and didn't lose any followers and he said "that was before your account blew up. Thirsty men would definitely unfollow you if they knew you had a kid."

This has upset me, I'm struggling to put into words why. DP thinks I'm being sensitive and that he was laughing at the men, not me.

AIBU to feel like that was a shitty comment to make?

@winterisaroundthecorner

Meh. You know he's telling the truth.

I agree with this. And mummy instagram might be huge but not amongst the 'thirsty men' that follow you, let's face it they aren't looking for fashion tips are they. You know he is right, it hit a nerve, you got pissed off.

I, too, think that the OP's partner's comment was a reflection of an aspect of society and men's (not all men's) behaviour.
Actually I find it so obvious that anybody could have made this comment.
Do you expect him to censor himself in case you put a (very self-centered and insecure) interpretation on his utterances or do you expect honesty from your partner (like an adult) in conversations?

OP,

I suggest you listen to your gut.

It felt like he was having a dig at you and trying to take you down a peg?

Then highly likely that is exactly what it was.

Listen to your gut.

He sounds like an insecure twat.

Get a dog in them Op. DSIS's dog has got 2k followers and is inundated with freeebs!

To be honest this is how it starts, little subtle comments that make you second guess yourself and doubt yourself. Subtle digs at being a single mum.
Men like this dont come out and state I am an emotional abuser they just grind you down. This is the start and of course he would be aghast that you dare mention that it upset you and he will manage to minimise that and make you feel like your feelings arent worth anything as you have dared offend him.

Dont care about photos on insta, I know lots of people who use it and get lots of followers, not for me but different strokes for different folks.

@Milkbottlelegs

They’re not following you because they like your personality OP. I think you’re being pretty naive here and he’s just telling it like it is for lots of men.

Yep. OP, you might have female followers interested in your fashion tips and all that, but I guarantee that for your male followers the product you are (consciously or not) is yourself.

Men don't follow fashion blogs unless they consider you eye candy or spank bank material.

And you posting as a mother would ruin that sex object they have of you.

He was passing a judgement on those thirsty men, not you.

And he is absolutely right. And I know deep down you know it too.

*the product you are trying to sell is yourself

I think he's just being realistic, men like to follow women who they think are free and single. When they know said woman had kids or a partner they unfollow pretty quickly.

I don't think your partner is poking fun at you, but is poking fun at men who do this

[quote me4real]@tvsettin I think the reason you/most women would find it hurtful if a partner said that, is he's saying that all that's appealing to a lot of your followers is your attractiveness/their sexual enjoyment. It's reducing you to an object, and saying sexual fantasy is all a lot of people are interested in you for. [/quote]
They are complete strangers on Instagram. They're not following for her challenging take on Kantian ethics, are they?

OP, do you post about Kant? He did have some interesting ideas.

@me4real - what reasons do YOU think a significant number of unknown men are following OPs account?

Why do you want to be on Instagram?
Why do you need followers?
What am I missing?
Are you famous?

@Gilly12345

Why do you want to be on Instagram? Why do you need followers? What am I missing? Are you famous?

She already said she does it to make money. For at least 5 years many people make a very good income through social media, this is what you are missing.

Hes neggin you.

The followers know you have a son already? You can see what % people are men or women following you

Thirsty men. Just fucking yuck.

So you have a public social media account in which you pose photos of yourself , which you plan to make money with. What exactly is your angle?
Since you haven’t named anything specific but generic ‘activities’ and ‘engagement’ I’m going to presume there’s a fair bit of you, and while you’re not wearing anything raunchy you’re certainly not there in your sweats and PJ’s?

Lots of women have Instagram accounts with lots of followers without needing to be half naked.

I follow lots of women who work out so wear work out gear. I also follow women who model clothing like jeans and tops or maxi dresses.
None of which have lots of skin on show but there are still lots of men who follow them and like their pictures.

OP has an account for business and one for personal.
I think it’s a good idea to not mix the two.

@PorkNPickle

It depends why you have a lot of followers imo. If it's a lot of men following you and liking your pictures because you're attractive and post lots of selfies then I can see his point that they probably wouldn't want to see pictures of your son and I agree that it says more about the random men following you than it does about your son.

I don't know, a load of random men commenting on your photos and following you (I'm assuming you don't know them personally), does seem sleazy to me (on their part) so I imagine he's probably right about the type of men they are and why they are following you.

This is how I see it too. I don't think he's said anything wrong. Just the men who are following you to perv aren't a pig seeing your son Personally I don't know why you'd have strangers follow you anyway. Are you a celebrity or something ?

I wouldn't be happy if my DH followed some random woman on instagram. I mean why would he unless it was about a certain topic he was interested in. Like science. So whats the topic?

I don't interpret it as taking you down a peg, or negging, or any of the other things people are saying. Nor do I think he's saying you're lucky he's prepared to put up with a woman who has a child.

I don't think he's saying you're lesser to any man who thinks with his brain, but you might be to one who thinks with his dick.

I think you're being disingenuous about your posts, 'oh it's just little ol' me doin' my thing'. Some men will perv over anything female, but a child in the mix will send a lot of them on their way. You seem quite precious about your Insta.

You know your DP, we don't. But purely on what you've told us, I believe his explanation of what he said, that some men - and not the sort most of us would want to meet or be with - are extremely shallow and have one track minds.

@EdgeOfTheSky

I took it to be a (horribly) accurate comment on what men are like.

From a man’s point of view.

I don’t see it as being a nasty / dismissive comment about you at all.

I agree with this.

I’m not a man. But I know men!

@tvsettin

OP just to clarify - you make money from your Instagram? I don’t have Instagram - how does that work and what do you sell? Do you sell pics of yourself?

So the majority of money on Instagram comes from brands. For example, a clothing company may approach and offer x amount of money for x amount of posts wearing (and promoting) their clothes.

A lot of "influencers" also get free things in exchange for a post.

Some also get money through affiliate links, so brands will give a link to post and the influencer will get x amount of money every time someone clicks on it.

Thank you

@SarahBellam

It really doesn’t matter if the OP is on Insta with naked breast and legs akimbo. That completely misses the point. The OP can do exactly whatever she wants with her own social space. It doesn’t matter that men follow her or don’t follow her. That completely misses the point too. The point is that OP has a boyfriend who thinks it ok to try to take the woman he’s supposed to live down a peg or too. To make you feel less about yourself. To make you feel grateful that you have a man who will take you ‘baggage and all’ like Mr Darcy in Pride and Prejudice. He’s negging you. Next thing he’ll be asking you to stop posting pics, or take down the ones you have.He’s a dick.

I don't really see how what he said was "taking her down a peg" though? He just stated what most would agree is a likely outcome of her posting pictures of her kid. Which is the pervy men who follow her now would likely drop off. And they would. Because they aren't following OP for mummy pics are they? I am going to go ahead and assume they are following her because they find her pictures sexually attractive.

If you were using Insta to promote your onlyfans or 'glamour' modelling business that would be your own business and presumably you'd have said that in your OP and your DP would already be aware of that

I just think posts like this are really naive tbh. I am pretty firmly of the belief that men don't follow women who post lots of selfies on Instagram (which OP has confirmed she does) purely because they are interested in what she is talking about... Really

(d) mothers are not sexy!

No, pictures of OPs child aren't sexy, that's the point. Men who are following OP to have a perv because they find her attractive aren't going to get off on seeing a picture of her kid (I would sincerely hope) so they may lose interest and unfollow her account if she began doing this.

don't like it because I would have taken it as though he's saying the only reason you have all these followers is because of how you look (rather than what you're talking about, how you're styling an outfit, promoting a product, cooking something delicious, showing off something you've made etc or in fact any of the other myriad reasons people use their Insta accounts for

Woops, this is what I was replying too! Quoted the wrong part.

Its like a guy saying :

If a guy sees a tall girl best believe he is more likely to look the over way

When he is literally dating a tall girl

I don't think it's like this at all. To me it sounds like he is JUST referring to the type of men who follow random women on Instagram to like and comment on their photos. That type of man isn't going to be interested in seeing pictures of her child. Because he's there for a reason, most likely being that he finds OP sexually attractive.

It's just the truth. It wasn't an insult to your son.

My husband has nearly 55k followers on Instagram through a niche thing he's in to. He only posts about that, his followers are people who want to see posts relating to this specific topic. If he started posting pictures of our son he would probably lose followers too, not because of anything to do with our son, but because it's not what his followers follow him to see!