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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP comment about my son on social media

223 replies

tvsettin · 21/10/2021 17:18

DP of seven months and I live 90 miles apart but see each other most weekends. I have a 3 year old DS who's face I do not post on my public social media. DP doesn't have any children.

My Instagram account has recently started gaining a much higher amount of followers and likes. Last night on a video call when discussing this, DP laughed and said "I wonder how many people would unfollow you if you posted your DS".

I said I used to post him and didn't lose any followers and he said "that was before your account blew up. Thirsty men would definitely unfollow you if they knew you had a kid."

This has upset me, I'm struggling to put into words why. DP thinks I'm being sensitive and that he was laughing at the men, not me.

AIBU to feel like that was a shitty comment to make?

OP posts:
frazzlesmore · 21/10/2021 19:49

however maybe because we are agreeing with your partner is isn't necessarily what you want to hear

unfortunately AIBU isn't an echo chamber like insta

heebiejeebies45 · 21/10/2021 19:49

@doyouwantachuffedybadge

Anyone who spoke about my child in even a remotely negative way would not be getting any more of my time.
How was anything negative about the OPs son made by her partner? @doyouwantachuffedybadge
SarahBellam · 21/10/2021 19:49

It really doesn’t matter if the OP is on Insta with naked breast and legs akimbo. That completely misses the point. The OP can do exactly whatever she wants with her own social space. It doesn’t matter that men follow her or don’t follow her. That completely misses the point too. The point is that OP has a boyfriend who thinks it ok to try to take the woman he’s supposed to live down a peg or too. To make you feel less about yourself. To make you feel grateful that you have a man who will take you ‘baggage and all’ like Mr Darcy in Pride and Prejudice. He’s negging you. Next thing he’ll be asking you to stop posting pics, or take down the ones you have.He’s a dick.

frazzlesmore · 21/10/2021 19:50

Anyone who spoke about my child in even a remotely negative way would not be getting any more of my time.

100% but I don't think the partner was insulting the child was he?

SarahBellam · 21/10/2021 19:50

And if it wasn’t this it would be something else. I’d put money on it.

frazzlesmore · 21/10/2021 19:50

@SarahBellam so you don't believe there are thirsty men on insta?

frazzlesmore · 21/10/2021 19:51

I mean they send bloody dick pics, wtf! 😆

Original poster
tvsettin · 21/10/2021 19:51

What exactly is your angle?
Since you haven’t named anything specific but generic ‘activities’ and ‘engagement’ I’m going to presume there’s a fair bit of you, and while you’re not wearing anything raunchy you’re certainly not there in your sweats and PJ’s?

There is a fair bit of me, but I'm fully covered up in the majority of the photos and I do actually have photos on there in sweats. It's not a "sexy" page at all.

OP posts:
me4real · 21/10/2021 19:53

@tvsettin I think the reason you/most women would find it hurtful if a partner said that, is he's saying that all that's appealing to a lot of your followers is your attractiveness/their sexual enjoyment. It's reducing you to an object, and saying sexual fantasy is all a lot of people are interested in you for. Angry

Original poster
tvsettin · 21/10/2021 19:53

unfortunately AIBU isn't an echo chamber like insta

Agreeing with my partner, IS what I want to hear. Why would I want to feel like he has said something malicious? I've said I am on the fence, I am asking for advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
tvsettin · 21/10/2021 19:54

I mean they send bloody dick pics, wtf! 😆

I have never received a dick pic on Instagram.

OP posts:
LowlandLucky · 21/10/2021 19:54

Your boyfriend (he is not your partner) was only stating a fact. Think you need to set your account to private for your own security.

frazzlesmore · 21/10/2021 19:54

But it's a known phenomenon, you are aware of this?

heebiejeebies45 · 21/10/2021 19:55

@frazzlesmore

however maybe because we are agreeing with your partner is isn't necessarily what you want to hear

unfortunately AIBU isn't an echo chamber like insta

Very true
Djifunrsn · 21/10/2021 19:56

I am really quite confused.

But perhaps it was meant as a statement of fact?

I am not sure what causes people to engage with your Instagram (since I do not understand Instagram), but presumably it is not parenting?

Gilda152 · 21/10/2021 20:01

@SarahBellam the OP can do exactly what she wants and her DP can have exactly the opinion that he wants too. She doesn't have to like it but she can look at it objectively and see if it pans, or disregard it entirely and dump him for voicing an opinion. Doesn't mean he's wrong (or right) but he has every right to his thoughts about it.

Squiz81 · 21/10/2021 20:03

I don’t think what he said was bad. It was a remark against your followers not you.

IAmTheLovechildOfYvesAndIsabel · 21/10/2021 20:04

I don't like it because I would have taken it as though he's saying the only reason you have all these followers is because of how you look (rather than what you're talking about, how you're styling an outfit, promoting a product, cooking something delicious, showing off something you've made etc or in fact any of the other myriad reasons people use their Insta accounts for. )

If you were using Insta to promote your onlyfans or 'glamour' modelling business that would be your own business and presumably you'd have said that in your OP and your DP would already be aware of that.

So I think (from the way you have described what he said to you) he (a) thinks your success is mainly if not all down to the way you look,
(b) however if your male followers knew you had a child they wouldn't fancy you anymore ( I don't think most men would care - especially because by his estimation these men are not interested in your mind or in having a relationship with you other than sex).
(c) he is nonetheless jealous of you getting attention from other men
and
(d) mothers are not sexy!

Also, presumably he isn't bothered if women follow you because he's not threatened by women which may be because he views women as ....less?

Pretty grim, and archaic in my book.
Of course I could be completely and utterly wrong and my perception is skewed because of my own experiences with a particular boyfriend, years ago.

Only you know and if you've had any other red flags or you get any I hope you get far away and then block him.
Don't wait around for him to start undermining your confidence.

Also, congratulations on your extra followers OP.
If it's something that brings you joy and does or has the potential to enhance your life financially or otherwise, then crack on; that's a great example of living your life on your own terms, that your DS will be proud of!

heebiejeebies45 · 21/10/2021 20:05

There is a fair bit of me, but I'm fully covered up in the majority of the photos and I do actually have photos on there in sweats. It's not a "sexy" page at all

But it isn't hard to understand that if you go from posting pictures of yourself and your day or whatever your feed is made up of. To then posting a picture of your son (even if you don't post him frequently and just post him here and there) that the 'thirsty men' may lose internet in your posts and may not want to continue following you anymore?

Whether you agree with that statement or not, surely that's not difficult to understand?
Or are you really not willing to try and accept this viewpoint? If it's the latter then I have no clue why you'd post on the AIBU board

mewkins · 21/10/2021 20:06

What sort of comments do you get on your pics? Is it random men saying 'hot'? Sadly, he is probably right but not a personal slight on you. If everyone honestly portrayed their life on insta they would get less engagement I reckon.

Journeyofthedragons · 21/10/2021 20:07

Hey OP, do you post many romantic pictures of you and DP on your public account?

Tittyfilarious81 · 21/10/2021 20:09

What is it you promote op ? the reason I ask is it might give more context for his comment

Anonymous48 · 21/10/2021 20:10

I am so confused by this, but maybe I'm just too old!

So you have this Instagram account hoping to make money from it. You've said you don't post raunchy provocative photos (except maybe occasionally cleavage), but most of your posts are photos of you. Why on earth would you think a complete stranger would want to follow you on Instagram, in other words look at photos of you, if not for some sort of fantasy in their head? Of course if you made it clear on your account that you have a child you would lose some followers, because that's not the fantasy of you that these people have. Your boyfriend didn't say anything negative about your son. Maybe he thinks you having this Instagram account is ridiculous, which I think would be fair enough. But the statement he made wasn't negative about you or your son.

Sammiekim · 21/10/2021 20:12

As a previous poster said op. Its because he is implying being a mother makes you instantly less desirable to most men. Which in turn reflects on what he thinks about you as a mother.

Its like a guy saying :

If a guy sees a tall girl best believe he is more likely to look the over way

When he is literally dating a tall girl.

If you flipped the situation and said oh you know what men with smaller dicks are less likely to be attractive to women and he had a small dick how do you think he would take it?

I bet you anything it would upset it whether you meant it generally or not. Because at the end of the day it's a personal matter. And what is more personal than remarking on a big portion of who you are - a mother?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 21/10/2021 20:15

If he lives 90 miles away, you've got an area of 25,447 square miles within which to find somebody else who isn't trying to tell you that you're used goods in order to make you more grateful for his lowering himself to fuck you.

Have a look. Bet you'll find one far closer to home; treated better, spoken to with respect and cheaper travel. Wins all round.