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AIBU to think it’s rather sensible for young women to consider earning potential/ wealth when choosing a life partner?
345

OompaLumpaLabrador · 20/10/2021 14:56

My mum always said that it doesn’t matter how wealthy or otherwise a man is, as long as you love each other. Which I guess is easy to say when, as a young nurse, you fell for a very decent and lovable surgeon ( my dad).

But I’m 43 now, and the life choices friends have made are all coming out in the wash. And the reality appears that those of us who opted to spend our lives with men and women with money have by far the better deal. There’s more freedom around healthcare, education, location, travel and work ( give up, part time, full time). The unpleasant and time consuming household chores are outsourced. There seems less stress in the partnerships because there are no money worries. The partnerships just seem easier. And if it doesn’t work out, a decent divorce settlement means women aren’t left high and dry.

Of course, love comes first. And maybe I’m getting cynical in my old age. But I’m not sure I’ll be giving my daughters quite the sake advice as my mum gave me. AIBU?

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araiwa · 20/10/2021 14:58

Gold-digger is the phrase you're looking for

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Boood · 20/10/2021 14:58

YABU. You should teach your daughters to think carefully about their own earning potential and what they will do to give them the life they want, and then how to protect that potential and security from being exploited by men. Don’t raise them with the expectation that their life chances will be controlled by someone else.

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mountbattenbergcake · 20/10/2021 14:59

Sounds like a recipe for staying in abusive marriages for the money's sake.

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Lonelymum21 · 20/10/2021 15:03

I agree op. I married for love, then had children with someone I was madly in love with. Got royally fucked both times and now I'm struggling to make ends meet.

Love isn't enough. It really isn't. I'll tell my daughter to think long and hard before choosing a partner. My earning potential doesn't mean squat when I'm caring for 2 small dc without a single family member or friend nearby.

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ScottishNewbie · 20/10/2021 15:06

YANBU. Love, mutual respect and being a decent person are obviously critical.
But.
Life is full of practicalities and you need to access what standard of living that you as an individual want. That's different for everyone!
Personally, I knew what I would and wouldn't be happy with long term as a team with my spouse, and that narrowed my dating pool.
It's unrealistic to say that love is the be-all and end-all.


I do agree with PP that being able to stand on your own two feet, to earn independently and be educated is important.

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ScottishNewbie · 20/10/2021 15:06

Excuse typos. Edit function PLEASE!

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berlinbabylon · 20/10/2021 15:06

No they should consider their OWN earning potential. Then they don't need to worry about living off a man (who may well go off with someone else, or just lose his job or be ill/have an accident).

My earning potential doesn't mean squat when I'm caring for 2 small dc without a single family member or friend nearby

Hmm but a lawyer can afford childcare and a shopworker (probably) can't. Money = choices.

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Viviennemary · 20/10/2021 15:08

This is no better than a man choosing a woman who is good at housework. It sucks.

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sendaisnow · 20/10/2021 15:10

YANBU. I will teach my daughter to think about her own earning potential as I was taught (I'm the main breadwinner in my relationship), but nothing wrong with her having expectations with respect to the earning potential of a partner.

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RealDinosaurofBarnardCastle · 20/10/2021 15:11

I’ve told my daughter to earn well, never be financially dependent on a man and to do what makes her happy.

I’ve made the point that money alone absolutely doesn’t equal happiness but it does 100% make life easier.

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Aposterhasnoname · 20/10/2021 15:12

It’s far from the only consideration, but yes, 100% it’s a consideration, and an important one. And before the “oh but earn your own money” mob arrive, then being independently solvent is even more of a reason to choose someone with an equal or greater earnings potential, as is evidenced by the number of cock lodger threads on here .

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KatharinaRosalie · 20/10/2021 15:12

AIBU to think it’s rather sensible for young women to consider earning potential

You should have stopped there. Yes, consider earning potential when choosing your own career, and don't rely on someone else's money.

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CrystalBuddha · 20/10/2021 15:12

I've been with partners before that I've loved with no money and partners I've loved with money - I know which I prefer and makes life easier so YANBU
(I have substantial earning power of my own and the above still stands)

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TheYearOfSmallThings · 20/10/2021 15:12

YANBU.

I used to be all idealistic and I wish I had wised up sooner. It's not about marrying a millionaire, but a solid job, work ethic, salary and financial life plan are excellent attributes in a potential mate.

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thefamous5 · 20/10/2021 15:15

Yabu. I've married someone who I love more than anything. He has a minimum wage job, will probably never work anything other than on a production line. It does not bother me one bit. We manage, just about, and while we will never own a house, go on fancy holidays etc we have a fantastic marriage built on live and respect for one another.

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canary1 · 20/10/2021 15:16

No more than advising young men to consider the earning potential of potential partners. The bottom line is to optimise your own potential - don’t depend on someone else

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TreeLawney · 20/10/2021 15:16

No I don’t think wealth / earning potential is the way to choose, more matched ambitions. So do you both have similar aspirations and ambitions? A relationship is less likely to be happy if one of you is looking for & working towards a certain lifestyle while the other wants to work as little as possible.

It’s all about being a compatible team, in which you can both achieve your own goals.

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bingoitsadingo · 20/10/2021 15:18

Of course it's worth considering, and anyone who doesn't consider it is quite short-sighted. Saying that is not the same as saying "you should deliberately marry a rich partner".

But ambitions, career goals, lifestyle goals, are all important things to take into account when deciding whether to spend your life with someone, and different people will place different weight on different things.


This is no better than a man choosing a woman who is good at housework.
I'm a woman and I wouldn't choose a man who was bad at housework...

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TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 20/10/2021 15:19

@RealDinosaurofBarnardCastle

I’ve told my daughter to earn well, never be financially dependent on a man and to do what makes her happy.

I’ve made the point that money alone absolutely doesn’t equal happiness but it does 100% make life easier.

This 100% sounds like me with my DD 18. I got divorced from her Dad 5 years ago and I absolutely thank myself everyday for never ever becoming financially reliant on anybody else, I teach my DD the exact same.
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SparklyLeprechaun · 20/10/2021 15:20

Probably something in between. I will definitely encourage dd to marry someone with decent earning potential, at least as good as her own, but not if there was no love or at least deep friendship involved. Life throws a lot of shit at people, it's easier if you have the memory of good times to help you through the bad times.

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Pythonista · 20/10/2021 15:20

Teaching them to be self sufficient financially is actually better. What if they don't meet a rich man/woman?

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nurserypolitics · 20/10/2021 15:22

Yes YABU, but I'd tweak it a bit. I'd definitely consider a partner's attitude to money and work as important, but that doesn't mean earning lots of money.

I know people who are married to men with an inability to save, who prioritise their own spending over the family, etc etc. I also think that being with someone hard-working is important, by which I basically mean not lazy - again, ending up in a situation where you're the breadwinner AND you're doing most of the housework.

I know people where their high earning spouse became chronically ill and unable to work. I know people who decided to retrain, and those who were made redundant. You can't assume anything will last forever, the best you can do is love someone and try and ensure you also share values while protecting yourself, through your own earning power, as much as possible. I'd much rather my daughter in a marriage with someone who valued her career equally to his own and earned the same money than someone who earned three times as much and was generous but had a job which diminished her own earning power.

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Pluspoints · 20/10/2021 15:24

DH is wealthier than me but I have more earning potential. That's how we balance our relationship out. And him not being the high flying exec that I used to meet means we have more time together, our life is happier and quality of life is good. He is also a great support for my own career. He's also taught me there's way more to life than work. I wouldn't have our life any other way.

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Oneforthemoneytwo · 20/10/2021 15:24

I will encourage my daughter to consider her own earning potential and to ensure that she chooses a career that will mean she can maintain the standard of living she's used to and yes, there are careers I'd advise her to consider very carefully because of the earning potential. I'd advise her to ensure that whatever she does she can always put a roof over her head and food on the table.

Equally I would also advise her to choose someone who wants to enjoy the same standard of living as she does (eat out, nice house, travel, nice car, home help if needed) and who can afford to do that. I wouldn't want her to look for a rich partner particularly but I think that a financial equal at least is a priority

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snoopyfloops · 20/10/2021 15:26

Well, I am the high earner in my marriage.

My DH is completely passionate about his work which means he's happy and fulfilled and interesting and interested in life. He probably finds my stress level a bit frustrating but likes the cleaner, house, holidays etc.

I think we would still be happy if I earned less though. He's not materialistic at all. I am but that's why I earn - I'd hate to be the lesser earner as I'd feel a loss of power.

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