AIBU to think it’s rather sensible for young women to consider earning potential/ wealth when choosing a life partner?

[OompaLumpaLabrador]

My mum always said that it doesn’t matter how wealthy or otherwise a man is, as long as you love each other. Which I guess is easy to say when, as a young nurse, you fell for a very decent and lovable surgeon ( my dad).

But I’m 43 now, and the life choices friends have made are all coming out in the wash. And the reality appears that those of us who opted to spend our lives with men and women with money have by far the better deal. There’s more freedom around healthcare, education, location, travel and work ( give up, part time, full time). The unpleasant and time consuming household chores are outsourced. There seems less stress in the partnerships because there are no money worries. The partnerships just seem easier. And if it doesn’t work out, a decent divorce settlement means women aren’t left high and dry.

Of course, love comes first. And maybe I’m getting cynical in my old age. But I’m not sure I’ll be giving my daughters quite the sake advice as my mum gave me. AIBU?

Interested in what you advise sons to do, choose a wealthy woman?

I have a very high income for my age and location (north west) and I have a very steady profession. However, I live a modest lifestyle, drive a Citroen c1 and live in a small 2 bed flat. I therefore save and invest a lot.

I realise I am privileged, but income has never been a factor in choosing my partner, because I have more than enough myself.

When you're not chasing dollars, you are more open to finding a genuine connection with a caring man, rather than overlooking negative character traits for money.

Completely get this is not everyone's situation, but just thought I'd share.

I earn my own money and don't rely on my DH to have a good life. YABU.

Thinking about it, there are two financial things that would be off putting.

1- if the guy were in debt (obv not including mortgage). For example credit card debt.

2- if he was long term unemployed that would put me off too.

But if he earned a wage and paid his way without debt - all good with me!

Also wealthy parents and private school are not sure fire ways to high paying jobs.

MH issues can scupper even the most well set up individual and no one knows when those will strike.

@Chimley

Also wealthy parents and private school are not sure fire ways to high paying jobs.

MH issues can scupper even the most well set up individual and no one knows when those will strike.

But the probability is higher for those with wealthy parents, to secure a high paying job.

Nothing in this life is a guarantee but you can make some pretty good odds when you have connections, money, good education, and wealthy parents.

MH is awful but trying to get MH treatment with limited money so a lot harder compared to when you can afford top quality specialists.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

YANBU.

I used to be all idealistic and I wish I had wised up sooner. It's not about marrying a millionaire, but a solid job, work ethic, salary and financial life plan are excellent attributes in a potential mate.

Agreed! YANBU OP

@Chimley

Also wealthy parents and private school are not sure fire ways to high paying jobs.

MH issues can scupper even the most well set up individual and no one knows when those will strike.

I think some people have got carried away on this thread. There's gold digging and considering a partner who is finical stable there's nothing wrong with this.

MN is usually quick to shout where is the father when the mum needs CMS.

Mental health affects people from poorer backgrounds the worst

I think work ethic is the important thing, it doesn't matter if someone doesn't earn a fortune if they work hard and contribute to the family in all ways not just financially. Nothing to stop you bring the higher earner. It does matter if you hitch your wagon to a cocklodger who can't hold a job down and mooches off you. You're looking for a partner not a dependent. That's the advice I would give to a daughter, I will be giving the same advice to my son.

No they should consider their OWN earning potential.

This, a million times! This is what I did, and this is how I'm raising my daughters.

I've never wanted or needed a man to pay my way

@JurgensCakeBaby

Me neither. I'm the higher earner in our house and I intend to keep it that way

*Most people end up with someone about on their level.

Wealthy parents, private schools, big jobs, they're likely going to marry someone from a similar background.*

Not necessarily. I grew up in poverty, lost my mum as a child so was raised only by my father who struggled to look after me and my siblings alone and work full time in a badly paid job, so growing up we were passed from pillar to post and I always wore hand me downs etc, and we went to a normal state school. Just about the least wealthy parent and average school experience you could imagine.

I now earn more than double what my partner does and well above the average. We don't all come from such backgrounds

I think you're right.

Ideally my daughter would marry someone who has at least the same earning potential she has, not necessarily more and it's also important that his family will be financially in a similar position to her family.

That's what my parents thought me. First, make sure YOU can earn and be independent. Then make sure you find someone who can earn at least as much as you, so is educated etc. Then make sure his family is in a similar financial position to ours.

Then there won't be as many problems because of inequalities.

It’s pretty simple.

Encourage your daughter to aim high for her own self - to value education, and to want a meaningful career for herself.

And she will almost certainly end up with a man who feels the same way.

There is not much better than two educated people, partnering up and earning well, so that if the unforeseeable happens, either one can pick up the reins and carry on.

And if the unforeseeable doesn’t happen - you have two high earners and two high incomes.

Win - win.

Having been in a relationship where I have taken most of the financial burden for 15 years, I do sometimes resent that. However, if my partner was kind, loving, grateful and supportive I wouldn’t at all. My advice to my DD is to look for kindness and respect in her partner. That is what I want most for her and overrides their earning potential by a long way.

@Sofiegiraffe OP said most.
What's the point of your post ?

[quote laurenGame]**@Sofiegiraffe* OP said most.*
What's the point of your post ?[/quote]

To contribute to the discussion, mostly.

What was the point of yours?

@JurgensCakeBaby

I think work ethic is the important thing, it doesn't matter if someone doesn't earn a fortune if they work hard and contribute to the family in all ways not just financially. Nothing to stop you bring the higher earner. It does matter if you hitch your wagon to a cocklodger who can't hold a job down and mooches off you. You're looking for a partner not a dependent. That's the advice I would give to a daughter, I will be giving the same advice to my son.

Agreed.

I think it's sensible to tell your daughter to avoid lazy layabout men.

An industrious man earning a wage of some description is ideal.

Absolutely earnings are important especially in this climate with rising prices etc. however, it is also important to weigh up the relationship, do you make each other happy, do you support each other, there are so many questions.
i do completely appreciate not struggling day to day though..

In regards to advising our children, i would absolutely advise them to grow, develop and support themselves before choosing their partner. who knows, the situation is different for everyone :)