AIBU to think it’s rather sensible for young women to consider earning potential/ wealth when choosing a life partner?

[OompaLumpaLabrador]

My mum always said that it doesn’t matter how wealthy or otherwise a man is, as long as you love each other. Which I guess is easy to say when, as a young nurse, you fell for a very decent and lovable surgeon ( my dad).

But I’m 43 now, and the life choices friends have made are all coming out in the wash. And the reality appears that those of us who opted to spend our lives with men and women with money have by far the better deal. There’s more freedom around healthcare, education, location, travel and work ( give up, part time, full time). The unpleasant and time consuming household chores are outsourced. There seems less stress in the partnerships because there are no money worries. The partnerships just seem easier. And if it doesn’t work out, a decent divorce settlement means women aren’t left high and dry.

Of course, love comes first. And maybe I’m getting cynical in my old age. But I’m not sure I’ll be giving my daughters quite the sake advice as my mum gave me. AIBU?

My local newspaper has a steady flow in the police blotter of arrests and restraining orders pertaining to spousal abuse and harassment. For reference, you can’t find a house for less than $1.5m in my town, and that is a fixer upper. So, wealthy men are the standard here, but there are many utter jerks among their ranks.

I suppose I am fortunate in that I met my husband when we were in our twenties, earned similar amounts, but his income trajectory in law was always going to far exceed mine in the arts. I chose him because he’s funny, kind, intelligent and good-looking, and I suppose the money has been the icing on the cake.

Definitely will encourage my kids to find a partner who is good with money and has a good job as well as instilling those values in them. No gold digging just practicalities, for both sexes.

Do you work OP? Are your earning comparable to your OH? It isn’t clear from your posts.

I have a professional career and earn approx 70k ish (converted to £) while DH earns 60k. Neither are stellar but they are well paid for where we live. DH worked for himself for 5 years and had huge flexibility in terms of dealing with our kids illnesses and random days off etc and I work term time only. That level of flexibility and equal parenting has been, I believe, really good for our children to see. They have two hands on 50/50 parents modelling a fairly egalitarian life/work balance. That is what I would wish was the dream sold particularly to our young girls rather than being a fairy tale princess of marrying a rich man.

@Oneforthemoneytwo

I will encourage my daughter to consider her own earning potential and to ensure that she chooses a career that will mean she can maintain the standard of living she's used to and yes, there are careers I'd advise her to consider very carefully because of the earning potential. I'd advise her to ensure that whatever she does she can always put a roof over her head and food on the table.

Equally I would also advise her to choose someone who wants to enjoy the same standard of living as she does (eat out, nice house, travel, nice car, home help if needed) and who can afford to do that. I wouldn't want her to look for a rich partner particularly but I think that a financial equal at least is a priority

Exactly. I'm teaching my kids the importance of financial self-sufficiency.

I'd say choose a partner with whom you can be equal: equal contributions to the joint accounts, and you shouldn't have any arguments over money. It also makes for a healthy relationship. Obviously, circumstances change, but contributing to the joint assets equally will go a long way.

I wouldn't have been attracted to my DH if he wasn't ambitious & had similar views of money however that doesn't necessarily equal lots of money.

I think it's complicated, I know women with high earning husbands who are selfish & tight or generous but not good in other areas. I also have one friend who's exH fought her for every penny during their divorce.

I will also encouraging my son & daughter to marry someone who is equally ambitious.

*SickAndTiredAgain my post focuses on women because I have three daughters. I have no sons, but I see no reason why the same shouldn’t apply to young men.

Seasoned posters on here often guess that a problem DH/DP who does little physically and mentally towards family life are high earners/high fliers before the OP reveals it so based on that YAbitBU. Marrying into money can come with strings and pitfalls.

The circumstances you describe of money = happy are not a given. If you want your daughters to pursue that then I hope you explain the risks that they may end up with no access to money, no hired help and no way out.

@Boood

YABU. You should teach your daughters to think carefully about their own earning potential and what they will do to give them the life they want, and then how to protect that potential and security from being exploited by men. Don’t raise them with the expectation that their life chances will be controlled by someone else.

This!

That's how my mum raised me. You are in charge of your own life choices and never to rely on a man to be the earner.

Have rich parents is far better then a rich partner when it comes to buying a property in an expensive area.

Muttly I do work. I work in a profession and earn well. DH earns very well. I earned twice his salary when we first met. He now earns much more than I do. We contribute pretty equally to parenting and household involvement. I’ve been able to establish my private practice because we could afford to take a financial risk, so in that sense his earnings have helped my career.

I didn’t really consider our financial situations when we got together. In that sense I lucked out. But I’m increasingly aware of how much easier life has been for our partnership and family.

But my personal circumstances not withstanding, I’d wish for my daughters to at least consider the lifestyle they hope for and the factors that might facilitate or hinder this.

YANBU. Of course one should be independent and earn their own money but it’s certainly a factor.

It’s not about marrying someone wealthy, it’s about someone who works hard and contributes in a multitude of ways.

Its a consideration, but also a balance.

Marry the proverbial starving artist who has no interest in money, or the impact it has on their family & your values aren't aligned - a rough life ride may be in store.

Marry the rich person with no love - not sure if be advocating that approach either!

For my children I'd be teaching to look for shared values, love, mutual respect. And if be hoping for them good pinch of luck in the health and life events department.

I would

@frazzlesmore why? I have rich parents but they are still in their late 50s so it made no difference to whether I can buy property or not. My DH's salary helped us buy in London.

Generous parents might give you 150k but that doesn't really help you to buy a £1 million house cos you need to borrow the difference. But a DH who earns 150k can potentially mean a borrowing power of 675k. Of course different if you are the child of Russian oligarchs but just talking about generic upper MC families. I know someone whose parents bought him a house, but he owns it jointly with them so it's not truly his...

Yabu. Young women should concentrate on their own career/ earning potential.

I wouldn’t marry a waster who wasn’t working or useless with housework/ childcare though

YANBU

I chose a lovely DH, an actor who had a good income when I met him, then his career almost vanished overnight when he moved agents.

He was hopeless with money and didn't know what to do to replace his lost income. I then lost my job too. He put his head in the sand so I was left on my own with the job of fixing our financial situation (we had young kids).

I was suicidal for a while. I managed to rescue us, but I wish I'd met someone good with money with a good steady job.

I would have loved to have the option of being a SHM or working part time.

It's not their money that you have to focus on, it's their values.

I agree that both men and women need to consider it. Settling down with a poor artist is fine, as long as you know that keeping a roof over your head is all on you. You need to think long-term too. Will you resent it when you have to go back to work at 4 months because you can't afford a longer mat leave? How will you protect your assets in the event of split? How will you ensure your partner has a pension?

When I was dating I didn't carry on seeing two perfectly nice men who had precarious, unskilled jobs. Equally, I wouldn't be happy with a partner who lived for work, no matter how much he earned. I found a happy median - earn double DH's salary but has a highly skilled, stable, in-demand job. He's financially savvy and has his own property, savings and investments. I own the house we live in. If anything happened to either of us, we'd be fine. That's a comfortable position to be in.

In one way I agree with you in that I'd recommend that people don't saddle themselves with a feckless workshy layabout, who spends most of their time playing computer games and eating Doritos rather than actually working for a living.

@onlychildhamster I don't think it's complicated, most people don't walk into 6 figure jobs & need to climb the ladder to get to that point. Being able to buy property earlier & younger is far more beneficial than waiting years to earn more as it's hard to earn enough to keep up with rising prices.

Most people I know even the ones with good jobs all got a good deposit in their early/mid 20s which has meant they are in 1m houses or close too & crucially with low mortgages. Which also helps when you start to look at having dc & want to reduce hours.

@onlychildhamster why does you parents age matter?

I wouldn't say earning potential was something I specifically thought about, but I definitely wanted someone who had his shit together, worked hard and could look after himself - and therefore me - on a practical level. It seems like the men who are still single in their late 30s/early 40s are often man-children who can't settle to a career or keep their own lives in order (they often can't cook at all). There's a reason women aren't rushing to settle down with them.

OP isn’t telling her daughters to rely on a man are people reading a different thread or projecting hugely?

Has OP said ‘I want my daughters to sack in their careers and marry a millionaire?’ nope. She is just encouraging a stability as an attractive trait- which isn’t really fashionable nowadays as shown by this thread.

Financial stability, goals and a solid career plan are something that should be sought out in a partner. That doesn’t always translate to high earner, but it usually does.

Out of my completely anecdotal knowledge, the lower earning men don’t have a huge heart, golden cocks and brilliant domestic skills. They also pretend to not know how to use a dishwasher, are lazy and horde what they do earn on video games and IPAs.

Meanwhile high earning woman does not get to holiday, unless she pays for it. They have no joint savings, and she has to pay for a cleaner because he doesn’t do it/does it shit.

It’s not about the loveable, low earner who makes it up with love and ‘helping around the house’ vs cold wealthy man who wants a subservient trophy….the fact is most men aren’t really amazing and women are happier without them. If your daughter is seeking a relationship- she may as well have her standards high