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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it’s rather sensible for young women to consider earning potential/ wealth when choosing a life partner?

345 replies

OompaLumpaLabrador · 20/10/2021 14:56

My mum always said that it doesn’t matter how wealthy or otherwise a man is, as long as you love each other. Which I guess is easy to say when, as a young nurse, you fell for a very decent and lovable surgeon ( my dad).

But I’m 43 now, and the life choices friends have made are all coming out in the wash. And the reality appears that those of us who opted to spend our lives with men and women with money have by far the better deal. There’s more freedom around healthcare, education, location, travel and work ( give up, part time, full time). The unpleasant and time consuming household chores are outsourced. There seems less stress in the partnerships because there are no money worries. The partnerships just seem easier. And if it doesn’t work out, a decent divorce settlement means women aren’t left high and dry.

Of course, love comes first. And maybe I’m getting cynical in my old age. But I’m not sure I’ll be giving my daughters quite the sake advice as my mum gave me. AIBU?

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 20/10/2021 19:59

I think @user1471554720 is right, it is less about exact earnings and more able ambition, willingness to work hard etc.

I don't quite agree about not being able to enjoy things as the main breadwinner - I earnt the only income in our family for a number of years due to some health issues of dp and then him setting up a business, and we absolutely still have good times. A home cooked meal, a good film, a board game, a scenic walk and a good chat were all free. But he always made an effort.

Now dp hugely outwards me and we are much more financially comfortable, so it was worth it.

I thing there's a real safety in a situation where either parent can support the household if necessary.

user1471554720 · 20/10/2021 20:00

It is fine if a couple choose this. However if someone is sahp and won't do childcare or housework then what happens????

Original poster
OompaLumpaLabrador · 20/10/2021 20:00

This thread is so interesting. There are such varied views and values around this.

I guess the point I was making is that, all things being equal, there’s nothing wrong, avaricious or immoral about considering earning potential and finances as part of the process of choosing a life partner. It certainly is not akin to either gold digging or prostitution, as some suggest.

I don’t see how considering finances in deciding on a life partner has any implications for one’s own education, career, independence or financial success. Saying ‘My partner’s work ethic and earning potential are factors that matter to me in the long term’ is worlds apart from saying ‘I’ll sack off my own ambitions and head out to find some rich guy to keep me in the handbags to which I have become accustomed.’ As a mother, I’d not be too keen if my girls took the second option. Of course I hope my girls will establish good careers of their own, but they’ll hold onto more of their hard-earned and have more to show for it if their partner has a similar outlook.

Although I’ve always worked and paid my way (to a greater or lesser extent at different times in my marriage), I’m not wholly convinced there is an inherent virtue in this, as some seem to, it’s just that I’ve happened to like my work. Most of my friends have good careers but some have taken a step back and have been fine (actually they’ve tended to be financially savvy and ensured considerable assets and investments in their names).

There are some posters who suggest that there is a dichotomous choice between marrying for love and finding a partner who is good financial option. As has been said before, there’s no correlation between goodness and impoverishment or caddishness and wealth. There are unfaithful and abusive rich and poor people. I guess the plus of the former is that if the marriage ends, you get a decent settlement and a good start to your future. I’d hope for my daughters (although not bang on about it) that they’ll find a sweet combination of love and shared values around work/ money and a partnership that will fulfil their material and emotional needs.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 20/10/2021 20:00

*out earns

G5000 · 20/10/2021 20:05

Having a professional career is all well and good, but your salary won't buy you much luxuries if you are the main breadwinner - but according to this thread, there are plenty of men available who earn enough to have a SAHM and still live in luxury - so many that one can easily have a realistic goal to find such a man.
Therefore there must also be plenty of jobs out there where also a woman could earn enough for such lifestyle?

LarryUnderwood · 20/10/2021 20:06

IMO it's important that you teach them to think practically about all their big life decisions, because very often life hinges on practicalities and logistics. So they need to consider things like money, expected standard of living etc for themselves when choosing a career and when choosing a life partner. If they know what their values and expectations are for themselves then they can assess if someone aligns with that. I didn't choose my DH based on earnings but his work ethic and sensible approach to money has been a fab influence on me over the years and has helped us build a very nice life. If I were to advise my sons I would say look at values, work ethic, approach to spending/saving etc more than earning potential as values are less likely to change while earning potential is much more up and down.

AliceinBorderland · 20/10/2021 20:09

You shouldn't marry only for money. Having said that I would want a partner on equal footing.

2 of my friends got into relationships with penniless guys with shady job histories and it has been a disaster. One is stuck in a one bed flat still as she cannot afford a house in her wage and her long term boyfriend would not be considered on a mortgage application as has barely any income and comes from dodgy sources.

The other one is still renting as boyfriend has sod all and one salary won't buy anything decent where she lives.

So yes be with someone who is able to be your equal.

WhatsthefrequencyKen · 20/10/2021 20:20

Agree op

AICM · 20/10/2021 20:21

It's like feminism never happened with some people.

Nowhere near all ut many replies, enough to tip the balance, do want a man to earn more than them - don't deny this is was some really want. If that's what enough women want that will tip the balance of power and wages towards men.

Original poster
OompaLumpaLabrador · 20/10/2021 20:34

AICM I’d really appreciate you not assuming I’m asking my daughters to consider this in relation to finding a man. I have three daughters and they aren’t all straight. We are all feminists ( as is my DH). And I earn plenty of money, more than most men.

OP posts:
sendaisnow · 20/10/2021 20:37

My mum used to tell me that's "it's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as it is to fall in love with a poor man".

sendaisnow · 20/10/2021 20:41

Having a professional career is all well and good, but your salary won't buy you much luxuries if you are the main breadwinner (not through choice). You will be on a budget and won't really be able to enjoy any benefits of your hard work eg meals out, treats.

I don't understand this. Surely it depends on how is coming in.

sendaisnow · 20/10/2021 20:42
  • how mucj
toconclude · 20/10/2021 20:46

@TheYearOfSmallThings

YANBU.

I used to be all idealistic and I wish I had wised up sooner. It's not about marrying a millionaire, but a solid job, work ethic, salary and financial life plan are excellent attributes in a potential mate.

And then he gets made redundant in his forties and you're still screwed.
sqirrelfriends · 20/10/2021 20:46

YANBU

Of course their earning potential is the most important consideration, but being with someone with a bit of money gives a lot more freedom and flexibility in life-especially when you bring children into the equation.

AICM · 20/10/2021 20:53

@OompaLumpaLabrador

AICM I’d really appreciate you not assuming I’m asking my daughters to consider this in relation to finding a man. I have three daughters and they aren’t all straight. We are all feminists ( as is my DH). And I earn plenty of money, more than most men.
No I'm really not.

But some replies hint at some women wanting to marry a higher earning man.

FourTeaFallOut · 20/10/2021 20:55

Things that I'd look to...How much time do they spend on their hobbies, does it leave room for other interests, are they flexible about their plans when hurdles arise? How much effort do they put in caring for you when you are sick? Does his approach to spending and saving money match your own? Does he pull his weight around the house without complaint?

I think they'd identify more bumps in the road than how much money they earned when you first met.

Muttly · 20/10/2021 20:58

I think the focus needs to be on instilling a good set of values and beliefs into our own children because people naturally tend to be attracted to others with similar values and beliefs. So let the focus be on them developing themselves and having good self esteem/self worth and choosing a decent partner can follow.

Thatsplentyjack · 20/10/2021 21:00

I'll tell my sons to make sure they find a woman with money then 👍

Bluntness100 · 20/10/2021 21:01

Op you’re backtracking so fast it’s actually comical

And your op is nonsense, you teach your daughter exactly what your mother target you, you marry for love, but you and you alone are responsible for your own financial independence.

I’m embarrassed for you.

sst1234 · 20/10/2021 21:01

Like others said, women should focus on their own earning potentials rather than wasting time looking for rich men. It’s quite insulting to women to reduce them to gold digging airheads. Let’s raise aspirations for women and leave the 50s behind. Shall we?

PurpleOkapi · 20/10/2021 21:19

It really depends on their priorities and life goals. Too many women jump at the chance to marry someone much wealthier than themselves, revel in a luxurious lifestyle they could never have afforded otherwise, then are shocked and put out to learn that their fantasy of him doing half the childcare so she can still pursue her career isn't going to work while keeping the lifestyle. The lower earner is the one who's going to take the career hit. If you want to be a SAHM, great, find a rich guy. If not, think more carefully before chasing the money.

purplebatbear · 20/10/2021 21:25

I completely agree with you, OP. I married my childhood sweetheart, was so loved up and didn't think about the future at all.

He earns hardly anything, has no prospects of earning more and we live a pretty crappy existence as any spare money we do have he spends on himself.

I wish I'd thought more about future prospects as this is crap.

Bluntness100 · 20/10/2021 21:34

@purplebatbear

I completely agree with you, OP. I married my childhood sweetheart, was so loved up and didn't think about the future at all.

He earns hardly anything, has no prospects of earning more and we live a pretty crappy existence as any spare money we do have he spends on himself.

I wish I'd thought more about future prospects as this is crap.

But what about your own earning potential?
Avarua · 20/10/2021 21:39

I advise all my kids to look for three things:

  1. Is he/she kind?
  2. Is he/she interesting?
  3. Is he/she someone who has drive / capability.

Then I tell them to avoid people who spend too much time gaming and all other forms of life-wasting.