AIBU to think it’s rather sensible for young women to consider earning potential/ wealth when choosing a life partner?

[OompaLumpaLabrador]

My mum always said that it doesn’t matter how wealthy or otherwise a man is, as long as you love each other. Which I guess is easy to say when, as a young nurse, you fell for a very decent and lovable surgeon ( my dad).

But I’m 43 now, and the life choices friends have made are all coming out in the wash. And the reality appears that those of us who opted to spend our lives with men and women with money have by far the better deal. There’s more freedom around healthcare, education, location, travel and work ( give up, part time, full time). The unpleasant and time consuming household chores are outsourced. There seems less stress in the partnerships because there are no money worries. The partnerships just seem easier. And if it doesn’t work out, a decent divorce settlement means women aren’t left high and dry.

Of course, love comes first. And maybe I’m getting cynical in my old age. But I’m not sure I’ll be giving my daughters quite the sake advice as my mum gave me. AIBU?

YABU. We shouldn’t encourage young women to be shallow gold diggers. What’s wrong with being in a relationship with a kind, selfless man who works hard for his money, but earns £20k rather than £50k? Would you rather they end up as a “kept woman”? Women can make their own money!!

@araiwa

Gold-digger is the phrase you're looking for

Whilst their own earnings are important you don't want them hooking up long term with any of the dead weight types that far too frequently appear as topics on these pages.

Mine are v. lucky for lots of reasons but possibly the best thing that I'll ever be able to do is to make sure any bums that come along are sent permanently packing long before they can get their hooks in.

YADNBU.

Lots of posters talking about how you should teach daughters to be financially independent. Totally agree with this. It’s what my mother advised me, but here’s the rub…

I married a financial disaster of a man ( as it turned out). Cost me a fortune to get rid of him and was the worst financial decision I ever made. It still has financial ramifications for me today.

Making your own sound financial decisions doesn’t insulate you from financial stress if you choose the wrong man.

So yes, if I had my time again I’d totally consider earning potential.

Let’s rephrase this: “AIBU to think it’s rather sensible for young men to consider earning potential/ wealth when choosing a life partner? So he doesn’t subsidise his low earning/non-working partner?”

The problem is, for most women, having kids fucks your earning capacity and takes away your self sufficiency

I disagree. Not with the fact that pregnancy discrimination and motherhood penalty exist, but most women do not need to fuck their careers. It's more likely if the DH earns significantly more though. She will become SAHM or work very part time to do all the childcare and housework, as it does not make financial sense for him to take any time off. Give it 15 years, her CV is not worth the paper it's written on, can't support herself and she's stuck with the husband whether she wants it or not.

I would always advocate choosing someone who is kind, intelligent, funny and who shares similar values to you. Earning potential wouldn't compensate me for being with someone who wasn't those things.

I’d be very unhappy if my children chose a partner based on their earnings. They should be concentrating on their own potential and not be so entitled as to think someone else should fund them imo.
A work ethic is very important in a partner as I wouldn’t chose a partner who couldn’t or wasn’t willing to pay their half of bills etc.

@Nomoreporridge but if yoh had a partner that only earned minimum wage and spent within means and valued your money then wouldn't be an issue
You could marry someone really rich who could gamble and loose it all , plenty are in this position

[quote worriedatthemoment]@Nomoreporridge but if yoh had a partner that only earned minimum wage and spent within means and valued your money then wouldn't be an issue
You could marry someone really rich who could gamble and loose it all , plenty are in this position [/quote]
That’s true. I wouldn’t have minded that.

Just wish I’d taken into consideration that being in love is a good foundation for a relationship, but it needs to be shored up by less sexy things- like dependability, shared values and stability.

@SnowyQueen

Let’s rephrase this: “AIBU to think it’s rather sensible for young men to consider earning potential/ wealth when choosing a life partner? So he doesn’t subsidise his low earning/non-working partner?”

Yeah that thread would have gone differently…

The problem is, for most women, having kids fucks your earning capacity and takes away your self sufficiency

I disagree

But then again these are the women that choose to take a year or more out of the workplace

I'm the main earner by 4x DH - my career has only gone from strength to strength and recently just had a £8k pay rise but I could also only take 20 weeks Maternity leave each time

It's just that a lot of women choose to bury their heads in the sand about it then blame their partners for it 10 years down the line

My 3 best friends all earn under £20K because they are part time (1 doesn’t work).
Husbands earn approx £100K for 2 and £150K for the other.

In my household, it’s me earning £70K and husband on less than £20K.

I must admit that I’m slightly envious sometimes when I’m the one working long hours and actually earning a fantastic salary.. but they’re the ones on very expensive holidays that I couldn’t afford!

We’re all just as happy in our marriages, but all other things being equal would it be nice if my husband earned more? Yeah 🤣

I don’t really feel jealous of people who earn more having nicer holidays - just seems a bit unfair when friends working part time do! These are all sons marriages and it’s not because of childcare. It’s women who were part time when children were young and then never had to up their hours again later, due to high earning partners.

@onlychildhamster ok, this wasn't inheritance in that sense that people I know received (including myself) as the parents were all alive. The ones I know who inherited due to death are in the 1.5m-2m houses.
But you are still lucky to inherit anything, plenty don't. Obviously it's also much harder to build equity these days.

I really couldn't find it in myself to be envious of freeloaders, @Cocomarine

There's so much satisfaction in life to be had from paying your own way rather than sponging.

I know women whose mission in life was to be a SAHM. They chose their partner on that basis. It worked for some, not for others. I wouldn't want it.

@MamsellMarie

I think it's more your DDs should be thinking about their earning power - hilarious that your DM was a nurse. They're paid wellish now but when I qualified in 1972 I could barely afford to run a car let alone pay a mortgage which today's young people seem to expect. I discouraged my DDs from NHS, steered them towards 'men's' jobs. They have cleaners and nice houses.

What type of jobs did they go into?

@SofiaMichelle

I really couldn't find it in myself to be envious of freeloaders, *@Cocomarine*

There's so much satisfaction in life to be had from paying your own way rather than sponging.

Those are my friends @SofiaMichelle not freeloaders or spongers. They have wealthy husbands for the exact same reason that I have a not-wealthy husband: because that’s simply what they earn. They didn’t target high men. Neither did my husband target me.

Or is he a sponging freeloader too?

Having a professional career is all well and good, but your salary won't buy you much luxuries if you are the main breadwinner (not through choice). You will be on a budget and won't really be able to enjoy any benefits of your hard work eg meals out, treats.

When I was with my ex partner, he was in and out of basic jobs. Because I was paying a full mortgage myself and keeping a house going, I never had any money for nice things, good quality clothes, summer holidays. I was managing staff and they had a better lifestyle than me. This was because they were with partners who earned the same as them.

I would advise anyone starting out to think carefully about their partner and choose someone with some bit of get up and go. I know there are people who are happy to stay in a min wage job or be in and out of work. If you are their partner, your salary will have to keep the whole household going. You will be working fulltime for 40 years, surrounded by professionals who have a nice lifestyle. You will become very resentful if you feel you are working, have little free time and also have no spare money for savings treats etc

@tiggerwhocamefortea

The problem is, for most women, having kids fucks your earning capacity and takes away your self sufficiency

I disagree

But then again these are the women that choose to take a year or more out of the workplace

I'm the main earner by 4x DH - my career has only gone from strength to strength and recently just had a £8k pay rise but I could also only take 20 weeks Maternity leave each time

It's just that a lot of women choose to bury their heads in the sand about it then blame their partners for it 10 years down the line

I don’t think children means careers are affected either. The choices the adults make may have an impact but not everyone same choices as they know it could impact etc.

@user1471554720 but a basic salary can still help towards a mortgage if you chose to keep it seperate thats different

@user1471554720 many men have this responsibility all the time ? Also if your partner earns less they could be the sahp
Some seem to want it all , a good career and a partner who earns the same or more but then moan their career is held up through children, and expect a man to then be the breadwinner then ?

@SnowyQueen

Let’s rephrase this: “AIBU to think it’s rather sensible for young men to consider earning potential/ wealth when choosing a life partner? So he doesn’t subsidise his low earning/non-working partner?”

I’ve taught both of mine that , always finance yourself and look for a partner who is an equal rather than expects to be subsidised either in part or full.

Cocomarine one of my best friends is a SAHM, always going on one luxury holiday or other. She would also like to divorce her husband, but does not want to take her children from their current lifestyle to whatever benefits or minimum wage can provide, as her CV after such a long gap is not worth the paper it was typed on. This option has its risks as well.