AIBU to think it’s rather sensible for young women to consider earning potential/ wealth when choosing a life partner?

[OompaLumpaLabrador]

My mum always said that it doesn’t matter how wealthy or otherwise a man is, as long as you love each other. Which I guess is easy to say when, as a young nurse, you fell for a very decent and lovable surgeon ( my dad).

But I’m 43 now, and the life choices friends have made are all coming out in the wash. And the reality appears that those of us who opted to spend our lives with men and women with money have by far the better deal. There’s more freedom around healthcare, education, location, travel and work ( give up, part time, full time). The unpleasant and time consuming household chores are outsourced. There seems less stress in the partnerships because there are no money worries. The partnerships just seem easier. And if it doesn’t work out, a decent divorce settlement means women aren’t left high and dry.

Of course, love comes first. And maybe I’m getting cynical in my old age. But I’m not sure I’ll be giving my daughters quite the sake advice as my mum gave me. AIBU?

[OompaLumpaLabrador]

An interesting split of opinions. The idea of matched ambitions is really important I guess. I like that point of view.

I should probably have said in my first post that obviously teaching daughters to consider their own earning potential goes without saying. Of course I’ll encourage my girls to make the most of their learning and skills in that regard. But, in the round, even when you earn well yourself, it’s much easier to be partnered with someone who does too. My professionally successful friends who have inadvertently ended up the main breadwinner ( not through choice) don’t have it easy at all.

[MamsellMarie]

I think it's more your DDs should be thinking about their earning power - hilarious that your DM was a nurse. They're paid wellish now but when I qualified in 1972 I could barely afford to run a car let alone pay a mortgage which today's young people seem to expect.
I discouraged my DDs from NHS, steered them towards 'men's' jobs. They have cleaners and nice houses.

[Pluspoints]

I should add when he retrained all I cared about was the job made him happy. He is happy doing what he does now and that's the best thing ever.

[Waxonwaxoff0]

How about encouraging women to earn their own money instead of relying on a man?

[RobertaFirmino]

You may as well become a sex worker - at least it would be honest.

[puffyisgood]

Consider it - sure, you'd be bonkers not to.

Use it as a key deciding criterion - OK, but don't take it too far.

Use it as your single deciding criterion, to overrule all others - suicide.

[Ledition]

I will always place the emphasis on my DDs earning their own money and being financially secure, for fear they stay in unhappy relationships for financial reasons (as I did) BUT I do agree that "love" isn't enough. I would hope their expectations would be to settle down with someone who at least matches their earnings/ambitions. Particularly if they have DC as it will give them the choice to scale back/spend some time as a SAHP if that's what they want. Money is important if you have children.

[onlychildhamster]

I am from a rich family but my DH isn't and his family is quite poor. He does have a masters degree from a Russell Group Uni (which I also have) and he works very hard in his job as an investment bank. We are both very junior so we don't have a lot of money (and a huge mortgage on a London flat). We met when we were students and married straight out of university.

Would my life be easier if I married one of those men whose parents give them housing deposits (not hard to find in London and large cash gifts are quite necessary nowadays even with 2 professional salaries if you are looking at million pound homes). Maybe but there would be different problems.

and if money is your main criteria, you would be looking at older men or young men with inherited money.
First option- why was he not snapped up in his 20s? or was he that busy at work? Are there personality problems?
Second option- you would be dealing with a lot of competition. and possibly if the purse strings are cut off for whatever reason, then you have nothing left unless the guy was also quite ambitious and capable. And people who grow up with money might have different values.

Unless you pick someone who doesn't actually have money yet but the potential to earn money (more applicable if you are in early 20s). You can bet on a winning horse but there is no guarantee someone would succeed in his career even if he has an oxbridge degree and got several offers from graduate schemes of top companies. Maybe he might burn out, maybe he might get into an accident and become disabled. And like with the inherited money, you are left with nothing if it doesn't work out.

It all sounds quite risky and complicated for something as banal as money and something which most women can earn for themselves these days. I would focus on actually earning money yourself and picking someone who is also motivated to earn money (but who you also love).

[SickAndTiredAgain]

There’s more freedom around healthcare, education, location, travel and work ( give up, part time, full time).

Women should pick a guy who earns enough that they have the freedom to give up work if they want? Delightful.

[SickAndTiredAgain]

But, in the round, even when you earn well yourself, it’s much easier to be partnered with someone who does too.

So why is your post just about women doing this?

[Tal45]

I agree to an extent - rather than a high earner I wanted someone with potential and some ambition but not work obsessed as that is often a nightmare in itself. I was earning more than DH when we met 100 years ago but he worked his way up and is now earning decent money while I work part time.

[Suprima]

You can be financially self reliant AND have a high earning partner you know…

Most high earning men do have partners with good careers of high earning potential, even if they SAHM for the time being

[DeepaBeesKit]

To me I wouldnt think of it from that angle. Of course no one goes out targeting someone wealthy.

But I would say think very carefully if the person you love has lower financial expectations and aspirations than you. If you marry someone knowing they will never earn more than 20k, and you know you like a relatively well off standard of living ,you also need to know you will need to earn more if you want those things.

[KatharinaRosalie]

If your post was about finding a partner with similar ambitions - different story. But you specifically mention finding a high earning partner so the other partner can choose to give up work.

[OompaLumpaLabrador]

Even if you earn very well yourself, I believe it is still easier to have a partner who also earns well (all other things being equal). It buys you both freedom. In my profession, the colleagues I know who have greater household income tend to be able to take more specialist training and professional risks because the burden of providing for the family is split more evenly.

And yes, the choice to give up work too, or at least take time out. Because if you have a disabled child, or any number of life challenges, not having to work every single day for forty years can be a huge advantage. I didn’t take time out but when our disabled son was young we could afford to employ a nanny which enabled me to continue working.

[Simonjt]

@araiwa

Gold-digger is the phrase you're looking for

This.

If you want a cleaner etc then you gain a career that pays enough to provide it, rather than expecting someone else to keep you. Why would you teach your child to aim for being kept, when you could teach them to be independent?

[BodyWithVagina]

You should consider everything about your life partner before making them your life partner.

Love alone doesn’t make for 50+ years of happy.

Their earning potential doesn’t need to be high but it needs to not piss you off for the rest of time either.

[SickAndTiredAgain]

@OompaLumpaLabrador

Even if you earn very well yourself, I believe it is still easier to have a partner who also earns well (all other things being equal). It buys you both freedom. In my profession, the colleagues I know who have greater household income tend to be able to take more specialist training and professional risks because the burden of providing for the family is split more evenly.

And yes, the choice to give up work too, or at least take time out. Because if you have a disabled child, or any number of life challenges, not having to work every single day for forty years can be a huge advantage. I didn’t take time out but when our disabled son was young we could afford to employ a nanny which enabled me to continue working.

But again, why does your thread focus on just women doing this?

[throwa]

I would encourage both of my children to choose a job which was a career, which you need qualifications to do (i.e. you were skilled in it) and which you could support yourself in, if the situation ever arose (or indeed if you never wanted to get married in the first place). This would mean that I would advise them both to think carefully if they wanted to go down particular routes, whether these careers would mean a comfortable life or one which they struggled.

Likewise, for partners, I would advise them (so long as they're at the stage where they will take my advice!) to think carefully about someone who didn't share that same attitude to work and what they wanted to get out of things, as they did. It can get very tiring being both the breadwinner and carrying the 'household load'... Falling madly in love is great, but then there's the next 60 years to think about as well.

My grandfather gave the same advice to my mum when she was leaving uni (this was in the 70s, he was way ahead of his time now I look back at it) and she gave the same advice to me when I was thinking of careers. Money isn't everything, but it can really really help fix a lot of situations which you find yourself in, some planned and some definitely unplanned.

[MoreAloneTime]

If you live somewhere where you need 2 decent wages to pay the mortgage on a family home for example you do need to consider your partner's earning potential. Its a bit idealistic to think this stuff never matters.

[Stompythedinosaur]

I will strongly support my dds to earn well independently, and to pursue relationships where they feel they are treated like equals.

You can never tell what will happen in life - will you suggest they leave their partners if the have an accident or become unwell?

I want my dds to have partners they can go through tough times and good times alongside.

[Pea22ches]

Love doesn't pay the bills. I mostly agree with you OP. I wouldn't decline to date someone who earnt less than me or necessarily write a person off. However it does matter... mainly later on raising a family let's be honest it matters a lot.

Sounds terrible but you have a good point OP.

[Pea22ches]

@DeepaBeesKit

To me I wouldnt think of it from that angle. Of course no one goes out targeting someone wealthy.

But I would say think very carefully if the person you love has lower financial expectations and aspirations than you. If you marry someone knowing they will never earn more than 20k, and you know you like a relatively well off standard of living ,you also need to know you will need to earn more if you want those things.

You have put it nicely

[DinosApple]

There's a phrase which my great grandfather said as marriage advice to his children. Before you're married keep both eyes open. After you are married, shut one eye!
He married three times, surviving his first two wives.

I've two DDs. They will need to consider their own earning potential, and that of any future partner to afford a house round here. I'll try not to go full blown Mrs Bennett on them when the time comes!

[Horriblewoman]

My parents encouraged my education and career path. I can't remember them ever telling me what kind of man I should be looking for.

As a result I'm in a strong career with a good salary and if we split up my husband would struggle more than I would.