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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it’s rather sensible for young women to consider earning potential/ wealth when choosing a life partner?

345 replies

OompaLumpaLabrador · 20/10/2021 14:56

My mum always said that it doesn’t matter how wealthy or otherwise a man is, as long as you love each other. Which I guess is easy to say when, as a young nurse, you fell for a very decent and lovable surgeon ( my dad).

But I’m 43 now, and the life choices friends have made are all coming out in the wash. And the reality appears that those of us who opted to spend our lives with men and women with money have by far the better deal. There’s more freedom around healthcare, education, location, travel and work ( give up, part time, full time). The unpleasant and time consuming household chores are outsourced. There seems less stress in the partnerships because there are no money worries. The partnerships just seem easier. And if it doesn’t work out, a decent divorce settlement means women aren’t left high and dry.

Of course, love comes first. And maybe I’m getting cynical in my old age. But I’m not sure I’ll be giving my daughters quite the sake advice as my mum gave me. AIBU?

OP posts:
Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 20/10/2021 17:41

I am a high earner who has consistently been with low earners (until more recently) and the thing is, when you are a high Warner you also meet people who are low earners and are happy to be so and don't pull their financial weight (maybe this is also in the minds of high earning men). The lucky thing is, I am the one left with money and financial potential. They aren't. So absolutely money is important.

I would say to my kids, look after your own earning potential and look for people who also have the same or at least have ambition. Because being with someone unwilling to do anything other than do school pick ups drained the fucking life out of me.
Love needs more.
For me, there was nothing worse than a man who wasn't interested in his own future or thinking that his kids were just a meal ticket. (Because thats what it feels like).

HereticFanjo · 20/10/2021 17:42

This is a difficult one. I'm fence sitting. It's possible to be married to someone half decent who is overly obsessed with their earning power. Financial riches don't always deliver emotional riches and vice versa.

Snaketime · 20/10/2021 17:42

YABU. Asy DD gets older I will teach her to marry for love and to get a good job so she is financially independent.

PreparationPreparationPrep · 20/10/2021 17:47

@TheYearOfSmallThings

YANBU.

I used to be all idealistic and I wish I had wised up sooner. It's not about marrying a millionaire, but a solid job, work ethic, salary and financial life plan are excellent attributes in a potential mate.

This - I will advise my nieces to finish their education and have a career before settling down with anyone. Then when they are ready, to choose a life partner wisely - earning potential and work ethic are just as important as having shared values. I will give the same advise to the male children in my life. The days our parents managed to have a decent life on one salary with children are long gone and most households need two salaries to enjoy a decent quality of life. Relationships aren't always forever for all sorts of reasons divorce/ death / sickness. Pp is right, love is not enough and the fairy tales we were sold as children are just that ! The days when our parents
DillonPanthersTexas · 20/10/2021 17:51

When dating I was looking for someone who was a financially independent professional, like me. I have been in previous relationships both where there was a large disparity income and it just adds problems in my opinions. Relying on someone to pay for all treats and overheads is not a nice place to be and equally being the one who pays for everything gets a bit annoying after a while too.

worriedatthemoment · 20/10/2021 17:52

Why do you have to rely on a mans earning potential ? What about your own
Surely its better to be with someone because you love them , have same values and they treat you well wether they are a top surgeon or bin men
Lots of rich people have unhappy marriages as well
Maybe if you go in to have kids your dh may want to be a sahp or work part time

gwenneh · 20/10/2021 17:53

I have my own money and career. Picking a partner with a similar stage of career, salary, and ambitions wasn't about a present or future account balance, it was about finding someone with similar goals and plans.

I know plenty of women who have completely ignored that aspect of their partner and who have been married just as long as I have. It's not the only way to do things, it was just how I chose to do it.

onlychildhamster · 20/10/2021 17:55

@frazzlesmore well my parents are not dying any time soon so I wouldn't have my hypothetical huge inheritance at a time when I need to buy my house. And my parents were self-made so they wouldn't give me a deposit as they never had help with theirs. They also live in a country with no inheritance tax so don't have that as an incentive either.

I am not so lucky, DH and I had a 70k deposit at 27 which probably means that we can't get a £1 million without huge salary rise.

worriedatthemoment · 20/10/2021 17:56

Probably the wrong forum for this but ai have taught my children to pick a job they enjoy and love as your a long term working and that we are proud of them no matter what
It doesn't matter how big a house they own or car they drive , happy is the only thing I want for them ,

worriedatthemoment · 20/10/2021 17:57

@Ledition what if there partner wants ti be the sahp or is it only a women who should have this choice

Marelle · 20/10/2021 18:00

Women need to make practical choices. It’s pretty much a given that the majority of women are going to get fucked over when they have kids. Some will have ill health during pregnancy. Most will have some sort of birth injury and permanent damage which the NHS won’t give a shit about resolving. Their employer might find an excuse to get rid of them, or they’ll end up on statutory maternity pay which is a pittance, or maybe they’ll return to work but their employer will give them less responsibility and opportunities because they have family responsibilities. If one parent needs to take a step back from their career to deal with childcare it’ll probably be the woman. Partly because she probably earns less to begin with due to the gender pay gap, and partly because it’s generally deemed to be her responsibility (and also because the selfish father will likely refuse to take a step back himself so she’ll have no choice).

In the long run she will lose out financially from having kids, not just in lost salary but also because she has less pension when she retires. It makes sense for her to pick a man who’s wealthy enough to compensate for this loss. If he can’t compensate you for the losses you experience due to bearing his kids then it’s not sensible to have kids with him.

Berkeys · 20/10/2021 18:02

@CrystalBuddha

I've been with partners before that I've loved with no money and partners I've loved with money - I know which I prefer and makes life easier so YANBU (I have substantial earning power of my own and the above still stands)
This
Marelle · 20/10/2021 18:11

I'm teaching my kids the importance of financial self-sufficiency
The problem is, for most women, having kids fucks your earning capacity and takes away your self sufficiency. It doesn’t matter how hard you worked before kids, that won’t stop your employer holding you back and giving the opportunities to others who are able to be more dedicated because they don’t have kids. It won’t stop you having to reduce your hours to fit around childcare, or take days off to look after sick kids. No doubt you will lose money by having kids, and you need a wealthy husband to compensate for what you’ve lost.

Pemmican · 20/10/2021 18:13

YABU.

You want to be happy? Marry a good man, not a rich one. And don't have kids

kitchenhail · 20/10/2021 18:14

@Marelle

Women need to make practical choices. It’s pretty much a given that the majority of women are going to get fucked over when they have kids. Some will have ill health during pregnancy. Most will have some sort of birth injury and permanent damage which the NHS won’t give a shit about resolving. Their employer might find an excuse to get rid of them, or they’ll end up on statutory maternity pay which is a pittance, or maybe they’ll return to work but their employer will give them less responsibility and opportunities because they have family responsibilities. If one parent needs to take a step back from their career to deal with childcare it’ll probably be the woman. Partly because she probably earns less to begin with due to the gender pay gap, and partly because it’s generally deemed to be her responsibility (and also because the selfish father will likely refuse to take a step back himself so she’ll have no choice).

In the long run she will lose out financially from having kids, not just in lost salary but also because she has less pension when she retires. It makes sense for her to pick a man who’s wealthy enough to compensate for this loss. If he can’t compensate you for the losses you experience due to bearing his kids then it’s not sensible to have kids with him.

Very controversial on this site but it's a conversation we need to be having: there is no requirement for women to have children. If they do have children there is no requirement to have more than one. I need to be crystal clear that I am not saying women shouldn't have children, or that they should only have one. I am saying that all of the things in this post are true and that we need to discuss them openly and one way of avoiding the things above is by not having children or reducing the number of children.
MissConductUS · 20/10/2021 18:14

I think that a record of good financial decision making is part of it too. When I met my DH he had a good income and also owned his own flat and had sensible investments. He didn't just piss it all away on flash cars and nights out.

Finknottlesnewt · 20/10/2021 18:16

Yes women need to look to their own earning potential because that is the NO1 way to give yourselves options .. but I married penniless DH for love .. and divorced 18 years later ... but second time round researched possible partners (OLD) and their financial position . Before finding my DH.

Would I of gone for him without his earning power ? I don't think so. It was a factor that attracted me as I had an EQUAL earning power and was attracted by his character and the fact that I wasn't worried I would be bank rolling him .

I don't want my DD (or self) to be 'supported' but I do want their OH's to be EQUAL contributers..

pointythings · 20/10/2021 18:16

I'm teaching my DDs never to be financially dependent on a partner and to ensure that anyone they settle down with has the same values in terms of children, work ethic, sharing of all the household burdens both financial and not, and aspirations.

'Marry money' is not of this time any more. 'Avoid cocklodgers' definitely is.

whineochoc · 20/10/2021 18:17

When I met my other half I out earned him, 2 kids later (reduced hours at work to meet childcare needs) and his own business being successful means he out earns me considerably. However by your logic I shouldn't have been with him and we wouldn't have our children and life now.
What a sad way to look at a relationship.

Georgewontsleepnow · 20/10/2021 18:18

Teach you children to work hard and respect those who do. To love people who are kind, gentle and generous, to have a high standard for a relationship. That doesn't mean financially!!

whineochoc · 20/10/2021 18:20

@Marelle

I'm teaching my kids the importance of financial self-sufficiency The problem is, for most women, having kids fucks your earning capacity and takes away your self sufficiency. It doesn’t matter how hard you worked before kids, that won’t stop your employer holding you back and giving the opportunities to others who are able to be more dedicated because they don’t have kids. It won’t stop you having to reduce your hours to fit around childcare, or take days off to look after sick kids. No doubt you will lose money by having kids, and you need a wealthy husband to compensate for what you’ve lost.
This is so on point. Pre-kids my career was great, I was travelling for work earning promotions. Two kids later I'm 32 hours a week and fitting my hours around childcare. My motivation has changed and work desire to do all hours to excel is no longer there.
SuperTiredBaileys · 20/10/2021 18:20

Wow OP!! What planet do you live on!

I married my husband because I love him! We get on, never argue, have the same values and generally are soul mates. At what point do you think I should have interviewed him about his earning potential? Or should I have married someone I didn't love, had no connection with and shared no values with because they had money?

If you happen to have fallen in love with (and feel close to, and cherish, and share the same values as, and love living with, and want children with etc...) someone with money, well lucky for you both that you won't have to struggle financially! But money should in my opinion, no way influence who you marry!

For what it's worth, I'm very happy! And so is DH and so are DC - I know some wealthy families who are also happy, but some who really really aren't!

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 20/10/2021 18:23

Life is easier when you have money.

Wow. Startling revelation. Thanks OP - not sure where we’d all be without your searing insights.

DriftingBlue · 20/10/2021 18:23

I would advice both young women and men to consider the career prospects of potential partners. That doesn’t necessarily mean money, it means someone who shares similar values surrounding education and work ethic.

Cbtb · 20/10/2021 18:23

I can’t imagine loving someone who was wasteful with money or who was not a hard worker or was prepared to pull weight around house and learn. So they don’t have to be rich but they need to be hardworking and contentious. It’s not being a gold digger it’s choosing a life partner whose aims in life align with your own.