To be upset that ds said this about Christmas?

[coffeerevelsrock]

He's 14 and has made a few comments recently about not liking Christmas. He's quite unusual for his age, not really a typical teen and loves history, cricket and politics. Not into expensive stuff so quite hard to buy for. He has an iphone 7 and insists he doesn't want an upgrade. He did ask for a gaming laptop a couple of years ago and is still very happy with it. Other than that all he's ever asked for is books though I get him some other thoughtful bits too that he's usually very pleased with. I'm aware that getting him loads of stuff he doesn't want would make him feel anxious and guilty so I don't do it.

His dad and I divorced 7 years ago and for the first 3 years ex came to our house for lunch on Christmas day. Since then they've stayed at dad's until the 23rd, seen him for a few hours on Christmas afternoon (except last year when he said he wouldn't be there) and then gone with ex to visit wider family 26th- 29thish. The rest of the Christmas holiday they're with me. Every year I ask what they want to do and they always say them same as usual.

We have our routines like most families, though from what I can see ex has never created any there. We get a real tree each year and dc help decorate - or do most of it now. We do a beige - everything - in breadcrumbs- lunch on the 24th, a walk late afternoon and back to Christmas eve bags from the elves, smashing up the gingerbread house for Christmas Eve pudding, always watch nativity and Father Christmas film after tea on Christmas Eve, stockings, multipack cereal for breakfast...just low key stuff but even at their ages (12 and 14) they insist on it all.

Now he keeps saying he doesn't like Christmas and that he won't ever spend it with me or his dad when he's an adult. He also said he thinks his dad's family do it well - they don't make a massive deal, don't decorate or wrap gifts, nothing traditional really. Extremely low-key. I just feel so hurt. I know he's young so it's not a pressing matter but I feel like everything I've tried to do has been thrown back at me. I have honestly tried to make it stress-free and accommodated their adulterous dad for 3 years. I honestly haven't tried to put pressure on but I feel instead of having happy memories he thinks it's all a pile of shit. He has pointed out I don't see my parents at Christmas ( we see them at new year) but my dad is an alcoholic (my kids don't know this as he manages to stay dry for the 3 days or so per year we see them) and my relationship is quite strained. They live 3 hours away too. I feel like my crap family has come back to haunt me despite it not really being my fault. I have mainly just laughed his comments off but I don't find it funny at all really.

AIBU to feel hurt by this?

@Turkishangora

My dd 15 has gone off Xmas too after previously loving it. I've nearly given myself a breakdown trying to make it memorable for them both, Xmas markets, loads of crafts, ice skating, light shows, Xmas theatre, decorating the whole house, Xmas Eve traditions and crippling myself working and trying to have the perfect family Xmas. I dread it every single year and cannot WAIT for it to be more low key. I can't stand the forced time with family and the hectic pre Xmas rush, the feeling that everyone else is out at loads of "drinks and mince pies" round friends houses events that you've not been invited to. It's my worst time of year but I've tried my absolute best to not show it for the sake of dc (my own mother never tried to hide her disdain for Xmas). YANBU to feel the way you do, but maybe he can't help it either.

I'd have a breakdown doing all that, it sounds too much like you are forcing a perfect Christmas on everyone. Don't wait to be more low-key start this year!

He's 14. Ime pissing on your chips and making you feel crap is pretty standard.

My younger DD was a bit “meh” about traditional Christmas when she was a teen - didn’t want to come to midnight service at the village church on Xmas Eve, etc.
It all changed after she went away to Australia for a year, and spent Xmas eating reheated pasta in a tatty backpackers hostel in the rain! She admitted she had been in tears, thinking of the Christmas she was missing at home.
Ever since, she has been an enthusiastic helper at decorating the tree, prepping the turkey, making the yule log, singing carols at church, etc, and has been hugely appreciative of my efforts.
The teenage years are often shit, OP. But your DC will come out the other side, and be delightful, affectionate and normal human beings again! Don’t take any of it personally, and just ride it out.

I went through a spell of being too cool for Christmas and that it was silly etc. Now I love it and look forward to it every year

My child said at that age he couldn't see the point of drinking alcohol and theyd never go to university because it was a waste of time. Fast forward a few years and they trotted off to Uni and carried on with the alcohol drinking they'd started at 16. Don't take any notice OP. They all say daft stuff at that age.

“He’s 14” your opening was enough

I know it’s hard but he’s 14, you have years before he’s a proper adult and spends Christmas with you. At this point I’d just tell him, well that’s up to you, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Our son is almost 20 and I still find the more I make out of what he says the ‘worse’ it gets! If I just go with the flow he forgets he even said some things.

He said he doesn't like Christmas not he doesn't like you! Hard not to but take it personally, he's allowed to like different stuff, although I'm sure he will look back on all of your rituals fondly, and I'm sure if you didn't do it he'd be miffed! Teenagers are just contrary

I agree with so many others - it’s just a teenager thing and you will just have to grit your teeth and wait for it to pass. Do what YOU want - make it more grownup maybe - get a takeaway a funny movie and make another tradition. Kids grow up and away - it’s normal but can be hurtful . Only your children have the power to break your heart or make it burst with love and pride. Good luck

I think your Christmas sounds wonderful and you clearly pour a lot of thought and love in to it. Teenagers can say some odd things. Am sure in years to come he will remember his Christmas years with you and they will be a very happy memory

Christmas is a bigger to get right between people. As a child we had a turkey all the trimmings, we had a present off Santa and a little something of mum and dad, we thought it was great.
However when I met my partner, they did stockings, a major amour of little presents, then a present off Santa as well, as his mum and dad.
It must have cost a small fortune, he had to buy presents for everyone, I said why not a gift card or cash, which was met with a no that's cheap.
No, I would rather go and buy something I like with the money or gift card, then end up with 3 bottles of shower gel, when I don't use the shower I like my baths.
Luckily when my partners sister had her daughter, she put an end to the stockings off the MIL, (her mum) as we were getting a lot of useless stuff, so her daughter said put the money you would do from the stocking to another present.
For some reason his parents, can make Christmas Dinner last 2 to 3 hours. When I have it at my mums it's an hour max. We didn't do stuff on Christmas eve, just opened presents Christmas day and then the dinner or tea. Maybe ask him what he wants to do for Christmas food wise. My SIL, isn't a fan of her family's Christmas, she has dinner at her FIL, (less hassle) than comes to her mums for. Tea, which is a buffet, as Christmas is also mil birthday.

Of you're not being unreasonable but he's a teenager. Just keep doing your traditions and plodding along for a few years and he'll settle down and enjoy again eventually. He's loved it, I promise but his cool teenager brain tells him to be an asshole. You're a good mum for sparing them the details of your fathers addiction and still keeping them in their life even though it must be so hard on you.

*of course

I'd just drop everything this year. Do a "Smithy" and scrunch tin foil round a few token gifts and do sweet fa else.

See what they say.

You sound like you do a lot and also seem to think that expensive gifts equate happiness. Since really cutting back on pointless stocking fillers and just buying what mine really wants, however cheap, we enjoy Christmas so much more. It's not wrong or bad to not want to do walks and gingerbread smashes. Where is the point of Christmas? If you are not religious, he may wonder why you celebrate Jesus' birth at all. He sounds like a great kid...he can come to ours if he wants!

With respect to him not being overly into material objects or wasting money he sounds like a really smart kid.

Ah the mid teens. I could judge my children but remember screaming I hate you at my much lived mum when I was that age. I think though that a fourteen year old would like some cash as well as gifts.

YANBU but he is entitled his opinion too. You do the Christmas you want and that's OK. You might do it differently ot others and your own parents and that's OK too

My DS 15 can be a bit bah humbug too at Christmas but he's improving

I decorate the house because I like it that way for Christmas despite any protestations that come my way from DS. I just ignore him. I don't go OTT but it's enough for a gloriously warm, cosy and Christmasy feeling

Firstly, what an amazing mum even little things in years to come they will look back on and remember the effort and sense of tradition I like it’s wonderful. I longed for this as a child and even though I was treated really well it was the silly things I would have liked.
Your son is at that age, he sounds like a child with his own mind and that in this day an age is a rarity. Keep up the traditions and maybe add in a new tradition he has to tell you all 5 weird facts on Christmas Eve history/politics related and see if you can remember a year on?
Xx

It’s ok not to like xmas. He sounds like he has recognised the pointlessness of buying stuff when you don’t need it. Instead of buying him things what about experiences that fit with his interests like a trip to somewhere he is interested to from history. I do understand how you feel my DS is very similar, I realised I was fighting a pointless battle when years ago I heard him say …”I mean father Xmas buys you stuff you didn’t ask for and don’t want!” Now he mostly gets books and last year he had a kitten who he adores.

My family does not celebrate Christmas and so I feel incredibly uncomfortable with doing anything big. My DH loves it as it was the only time he got to have lunch with his parents. (Youngest child by 10 years and parents ran a pub)
I have no contact with my family except my older brother and we are the only siblings who have children so try to do more together.
Ask your son what his perfect Christmas would be like but be mindful that you have to accommodate all your children. I hate the whole being pressured to decide what gifts I want for Christmas, this does take the relaxation out of it and my DH insists we all open presents together which is so uncomfortable. My DH is an alcoholic as are others in his family so this also adds to the pressure and he has a child (now 16) that does not love with us which is another pressure.
I would love to be in a cottage in the country for a few days, peace and walks, no fuss and just food and TV but if I do that I will be called selfish. There is no winning sadly!

Why don’t you break the mould and go away for a holiday instead ..
Also I’m intrigued by the beige lunch ??????

I've nearly given myself a breakdown trying to make it memorable for them both, Xmas markets, loads of crafts, ice skating, light shows, Xmas theatre, decorating the whole house, Xmas Eve traditions and crippling myself working and trying to have the perfect family Xmas. I dread it every single year and cannot WAIT for it to be more low key. I can't stand the forced time with family and the hectic pre Xmas rush, the feeling that everyone else is out at loads of "drinks and mince pies" round friends houses events that you've not been invited to.

Make it more low key, then!

For various reasons, we agreed around 15 years ago that we'd be far happier not "doing" Christmas at all.

We rarely bother with gifts. We do send a few cards, but fewer as each year passes. We have a nice meal on Christmas Day; we live near the sea and depending on the weather, we'll have a walk on the beach but otherwise, this household of three adults, one of whom has a long term health condition, does as it pleases on Christmas and Boxing Day and it is bliss. One year I made curtains over Christmas and Boxing Day.

I know it's different when you have young children, but the frenzy that some mothers whip themselves into planning and executing the "perfect family Christmas" to "make memories" for their children, who will, at one point, be far happier playing computer games in their bedrooms with their mates or reading new books is dismaying.

@Blueink

“He’s 14” your opening was enough

This big time, you’ll find he’ll come out the other end and want to have a similar Christmas with his own family then you can remind him of hi# teenage grumps! Hang in there.