To be upset that ds said this about Christmas?

[coffeerevelsrock]

He's 14 and has made a few comments recently about not liking Christmas. He's quite unusual for his age, not really a typical teen and loves history, cricket and politics. Not into expensive stuff so quite hard to buy for. He has an iphone 7 and insists he doesn't want an upgrade. He did ask for a gaming laptop a couple of years ago and is still very happy with it. Other than that all he's ever asked for is books though I get him some other thoughtful bits too that he's usually very pleased with. I'm aware that getting him loads of stuff he doesn't want would make him feel anxious and guilty so I don't do it.

His dad and I divorced 7 years ago and for the first 3 years ex came to our house for lunch on Christmas day. Since then they've stayed at dad's until the 23rd, seen him for a few hours on Christmas afternoon (except last year when he said he wouldn't be there) and then gone with ex to visit wider family 26th- 29thish. The rest of the Christmas holiday they're with me. Every year I ask what they want to do and they always say them same as usual.

We have our routines like most families, though from what I can see ex has never created any there. We get a real tree each year and dc help decorate - or do most of it now. We do a beige - everything - in breadcrumbs- lunch on the 24th, a walk late afternoon and back to Christmas eve bags from the elves, smashing up the gingerbread house for Christmas Eve pudding, always watch nativity and Father Christmas film after tea on Christmas Eve, stockings, multipack cereal for breakfast...just low key stuff but even at their ages (12 and 14) they insist on it all.

Now he keeps saying he doesn't like Christmas and that he won't ever spend it with me or his dad when he's an adult. He also said he thinks his dad's family do it well - they don't make a massive deal, don't decorate or wrap gifts, nothing traditional really. Extremely low-key. I just feel so hurt. I know he's young so it's not a pressing matter but I feel like everything I've tried to do has been thrown back at me. I have honestly tried to make it stress-free and accommodated their adulterous dad for 3 years. I honestly haven't tried to put pressure on but I feel instead of having happy memories he thinks it's all a pile of shit. He has pointed out I don't see my parents at Christmas ( we see them at new year) but my dad is an alcoholic (my kids don't know this as he manages to stay dry for the 3 days or so per year we see them) and my relationship is quite strained. They live 3 hours away too. I feel like my crap family has come back to haunt me despite it not really being my fault. I have mainly just laughed his comments off but I don't find it funny at all really.

AIBU to feel hurt by this?

The poster who said "exhausting" and those who agreed in some way meant emotionally, of course, not physically. Like the fact OP can even remember what they do every Christmas Eve seems to me to suggest an emotional burden for the children that they enjoy these routines for ever more. I couldn't even tell you one thing we did in my family at Christmas when ds was little or when I was little: it altered every year (except always a walk on Christmas Day).

But it's not a criticism, more a suggestion that her ds is a different kind of person to her, might find the expectation for Christmas to always be the same s bit overwhelming or stressful and that was all.

With OP's update, it's clear she's lovely, her ds is lovely and they just need a little chat and an understanding that things can change a bit as he and his brother grow up, and also about other family stuff at some point.

Hi OP,
I have read your posts but sorry if I repeat anyone else.

It makes people feel good to help and give to others so perhaps you could take your son to the supermarket with a budget e.g. £10 to buy for the foodbank in the run up to Christmas and let him choose what to give with your guidance. I have done this with my son and it feels festive. Even though people might say it's better to give the cash but we enjoyed the process of thinking what people might need.

Try not to take what your son said about Christmas to heart. You seem to be believing what he said even though you have seen him with your own eyes him enjoy the movies/gingerbread/walks and seen your partner's family disappoint him. It's in the make up of a teenager to reject their parents a little (or a lot) and he is asserting he is growing up.

It sounds like you make Christmas a lovely time. If he feels he is growing up another way to express this (instead of pushing Christmas away) could be getting him to contribute to the planning and help - and reminding him that now he is getting older Christmas becomes about what he gives to others (in terms of time/effort/attitude) as well as what he gets himself in these terms. So for example he could plan and cook the xmas eve meal and treats.

You might be able to enjoy doing experiences together as Christmas presents if he doesn't want a lot of material things. So perhaps a certificate for a day at the war museum (or whatever) for him and something you would like, the kids to cook tea/buy edible treats that you like and a movie of your choice - or whatever present ideas for you. Something where they put you and not their own wants first.

What I'm trying to get at is it is time for your son to stop looking so inward at what he wants and start to be reminded he has an active role to play in the Christmas of others. Basically "it's not all about you" which I say to my son when it needs saying - and he's a lovely kid as I'm sure your son is too.

As for not coming to you as an adult at Christmas - he will really have no idea what he wants to do at xmas at 34! It's just another subtle rejection of a teen take no notice. My son used to sometimes say "I think I'll go to live in Spain/Australia wherever when I'm older" I usually replied with "no you have got to stay and live with me and daddy forever even when you are a grown man..." (he knew I was joking) it's a mix of testing your reactions/pushing you away/wanting reassurance. Really don't worry about it.

I've hated Christmas since being a teenager, got called a misery at work because I never joined in anything at Christmas. I've loved the Christmas days when ds has gone to his dad's & I've been able to pretend Christmas isn't happening. I'm autistic & think that the change in routines probably contributes to my dislike of everything to do with Christmas.

Have you thought of inviting another family for Xmas?
Lots of people who don't visit family do Xmas day with another family, whose kids are friends.
It would shake it up a bit and you might enjoy the adult company.

Maybe it is time to be honest to him about your family and grandpa in particular?

Have you asked him what he would like to do @coffeerevelsrock ?

Look lots of people don't like all the fuss of Christmas, and it is quite boring as a teen - you don't believe in FC, you can't drink, you just eat alot and watch crap films. And have to spend it with your parents.

I have teens now and I wouldn't watch elf or nativity on Christmas eve. We usually go skating as a family and have a meal out. Mine still love baking with me, so we bake lots of sweet stuff too.

We don't do much on Christmas day - but do generally get musical crackers of some kind, and play games - more adult games now. I tried one year to miss out the games, and all of them complained!

I think you're trying too hard to get stuck on traditions and creating a dream Christmas. It sounds as though you need to adapt now they're older and maybe just accept that your ds isn't that fussed about Christmas. It is just one day after all.

You sound like a superb Mum, and your Christmas sounds lovely.

Please don’t change what you do or take your DS’s words to heart - he’s a hormonal teenager and is probably still processing the divorce. Don’t blame yourself.

Maybe talk to him on a separate occasion, asking him what he likes and doesn’t like - maybe offer to adapt some bits, but he needs to learn your needs and the wants of your other DC count too. All the best, OP.

My Step-son likes to have the traditional Christmas dinner (absolutely must be turkey) but he can take or leave the rest of it. He’s been like this for quite a long time. Probably since his teenage years. I think we kept doing extra stuff but then realised he wasn’t bothered eg whether we had a tree or not. It’s made Christmas so simple and hassle free.

I can see how he would hate Christmas. Would you want to be trailed round a load of family members for 5-6 days? Bored sick and having to be polite for days on end. Thankfully now I’m an adult and I can limit Christmas socialising to only 1-2 days.

@Macaroni46

Please don't take this the wrong way OP but it sounds like he's outgrown your 'traditional' Christmas Eve and I wonder if you're clinging on to that pattern of doing things which does sound quite full on (and lovely) but lovely to a younger child. To a teenager it sounds a bit OTT and busy. Why not have a rethink, with him, about what Christmas Eve could look like.

Indeed. The difference between 13 and 14 for a teenager is usually a chasm and many of us can remember vividly when Xmas suddenly changed from something we loved to something that bored us rigid.

Poor you. I think he is just trying to assert his individuality though and I would just take it as a phase. Teens often say they don’t want to things and then have a whale of a time once they are actually doing them.

YANBU
However, remember he is a teen.
Could you have a lower key Christmas Eve ?

I think he's taking out his teenage frustrations on you because you're the closest to him. He will change as he gets older.

His dads family insisted he hand over his Xmas gift money !! What weirdos ! who does that to a kid?

Don’t take teen comments to heart
Just keep asking him what he wants to do and respect that , make it clear to him you are respecting his wishes so there is no come back

As much as he says he doesn't like Christmas he still insists on all the traditions that you have created over the last 7 years. So I think this could be just a bit of teenage angst or trying to be 'cool and non-chalant'. He is 14 years old and probably in a few years he will be enjoying Christmas and forgotten everything he said to you!!!

They’re teenagers. You’ve got a few sh8t years ahead. Buckle up for the ride.

Ask him to plan Christmas for you this year and see what he comes up with?

He’s a kid. Take it with a pinch of salt. Say that’s nice love and just carry on

My son hates Xmas too - he’s now 21 and has always been the same.
I used to say I loved Xmas and everyone believed I did -I did all the expected things and Christmas theoretically was lovely in a to your face way - behind the scenes, ex was an alcoholic,we had no money,grandad had dementia and everything and anything was my fault - it was horrendous.

Now in a new life I’m quite chilled about it, love decorating the house and buying presents for partner and ds who hates Xmas and because there’s no pressure and no competition or even ambition, it is what it is - a day with gifts and a lovely dinner!.

One year all 3 of us were really poorly so we’d arranged a Xmas meal out that had to be cancelled (that was an expense) and we all managed to pull it together early evening to eat a bit of pre cooked chicken and open presents !! That was a year we remember because it was just nice to be together.

It makes me sad that ds doesn’t like Christmas but it’s his choice and secretly I hope that when he has children I’ll be able to sprinkle Xmas magic on them and us !!

as a child I thought Xmas was rubbish, we did all the traditional things that were do boring, as an adult I have great memories and i do all the boring things with my kids and grandkids , don't feel bad x have a fabulous Xmas

Op. You sound like a wonderful and intuitive mother.

Please don't take your sons comments to heart. He sounds like he is just thinking aloud, and if he has a really trusting relationship with you, he will just come out with thoughts and feelings. But thoughts and feelings are often fleeting and don't always form a true narrative.

It sounds like you have done a really wonderful job of providing Christmas and traditions that they can look back on with fond memories. It may be time to make a change, but that doesn't cancel out that they were appropriate and appreciated at the time.

With regards to family, you can't make a silk purse out of a sows ear. I have sympathies with you. Your past is your past, but it's not a curse. People don't spend time with family at Christmas for lots of reasons. Good and bad. It just is what it is. Lots of people have awful Christmases with their families and I bet they are envious that you get to have yours as a three.

There are lots of people on mn who seem to like kicking people when they are down. It's their hobby.

The three of you have 2 months to plan a Christmas you all want. Good luck. X

I went through a phase of not enjoying Christmas from about 14 until I had my kids in my mid thirties!
I didn't realise my parents hated my Gran, she seemed nice to me! I found out her true nature years later and even went NC for her last years. I think you could have an honest conversation with your 14 yr old about your Dad and strained relatioship. Also talk about some compromises to Christmas, so you can both enjoy it.

My dd 15 has gone off Xmas too after previously loving it. I've nearly given myself a breakdown trying to make it memorable for them both, Xmas markets, loads of crafts, ice skating, light shows, Xmas theatre, decorating the whole house, Xmas Eve traditions and crippling myself working and trying to have the perfect family Xmas. I dread it every single year and cannot WAIT for it to be more low key. I can't stand the forced time with family and the hectic pre Xmas rush, the feeling that everyone else is out at loads of "drinks and mince pies" round friends houses events that you've not been invited to.
It's my worst time of year but I've tried my absolute best to not show it for the sake of dc (my own mother never tried to hide her disdain for Xmas). YANBU to feel the way you do, but maybe he can't help it either.

Tell him he's hurt your feelings!

@Whenigrowupiwanttobea

As much as he says he doesn't like Christmas he still insists on all the traditions that you have created over the last 7 years. So I think this could be just a bit of teenage angst or trying to be 'cool and non-chalant'. He is 14 years old and probably in a few years he will be enjoying Christmas and forgotten everything he said to you!!!

Or maybe he won't. Loving The Traditional Christmas isn't obligatory, you know. And does NOT make those who don't Scrooges,fun sponges, blah blah blah. It makes us individuals with individual tastes Shocking, I know.