He's 14 and has made a few comments recently about not liking Christmas. He's quite unusual for his age, not really a typical teen and loves history, cricket and politics. Not into expensive stuff so quite hard to buy for. He has an iphone 7 and insists he doesn't want an upgrade. He did ask for a gaming laptop a couple of years ago and is still very happy with it. Other than that all he's ever asked for is books though I get him some other thoughtful bits too that he's usually very pleased with. I'm aware that getting him loads of stuff he doesn't want would make him feel anxious and guilty so I don't do it.
His dad and I divorced 7 years ago and for the first 3 years ex came to our house for lunch on Christmas day. Since then they've stayed at dad's until the 23rd, seen him for a few hours on Christmas afternoon (except last year when he said he wouldn't be there) and then gone with ex to visit wider family 26th- 29thish. The rest of the Christmas holiday they're with me. Every year I ask what they want to do and they always say them same as usual.
We have our routines like most families, though from what I can see ex has never created any there. We get a real tree each year and dc help decorate - or do most of it now. We do a beige - everything - in breadcrumbs- lunch on the 24th, a walk late afternoon and back to Christmas eve bags from the elves, smashing up the gingerbread house for Christmas Eve pudding, always watch nativity and Father Christmas film after tea on Christmas Eve, stockings, multipack cereal for breakfast...just low key stuff but even at their ages (12 and 14) they insist on it all.
Now he keeps saying he doesn't like Christmas and that he won't ever spend it with me or his dad when he's an adult. He also said he thinks his dad's family do it well - they don't make a massive deal, don't decorate or wrap gifts, nothing traditional really. Extremely low-key. I just feel so hurt. I know he's young so it's not a pressing matter but I feel like everything I've tried to do has been thrown back at me. I have honestly tried to make it stress-free and accommodated their adulterous dad for 3 years. I honestly haven't tried to put pressure on but I feel instead of having happy memories he thinks it's all a pile of shit. He has pointed out I don't see my parents at Christmas ( we see them at new year) but my dad is an alcoholic (my kids don't know this as he manages to stay dry for the 3 days or so per year we see them) and my relationship is quite strained. They live 3 hours away too. I feel like my crap family has come back to haunt me despite it not really being my fault. I have mainly just laughed his comments off but I don't find it funny at all really.
AIBU to feel hurt by this?
AIBU?
To be upset that ds said this about Christmas?
coffeerevelsrock · 20/10/2021 13:47
Am I being unreasonable?
1004 votes. Final results.
POLLHe sounds a lot like I was as a child (or indeed in my forties). Enjoying history and politics and very against waste / consumerism. Listening to Radio 4 and watching News 24. My only comment is that he might enjoy a subscription to Private Eye magazine. 
I think I'd just sit down quietly with him and ask what he'd like to do/not do, so it could be accommodated as far as poss.
Roping teenagers (or adults for that matter) in to do cheery stuff is not always what they want/need. They shouldn't end up feeling Christmas is to be endured and not enjoyed. He may just want to be allowed to duck out of parts of it he currently feels are a bit 'young' for him. That doesn't seem unreasonable, and I wouldn't want to make him feel guilty about saying so. I;d let him know I thought it was normal to want to opt out of things sometimes, just a part of getting older.
IIRC it was Clive James who said about the Osmond Christmas special that their good cheer was so awful because you knew they were never not like that. 
@GhoulWithADragonTattoo
That is a brilliant suggestion!
I agree that at their ages, they're old enough for you to share more of what your own childhood was like. I'd be honest about why they don't see more of your parents, and that it makes you sad that you weren't able to have a closer relationship with them, as you hope you will have with your own children, once they're adults. Tell them how much you love spending time with them, not just as holidays, but always.
While I'd agree that our relationships with our own parents probably does affect how we relate to the next generation, I definitely don't think it has to do so in a completely negative way. You haven't given your children the same experience you had, growing up, so there's no reason to expect that they'll distance themselves from you.
I'd try to take what he's said with a grain of salt. If he says something purposefully hurtful, I'd gently call him out on it. He's old enough to learn that parents have feelings, too. But don't make too much of it, otherwise. Ask if there's anything he would like to do for Christmas, but also keep up the old traditions, if you and especially your other child enjoy them. He may find that he wants to participate, after all, but if not, that's okay. Things change, and he's at a difficult age. That doesn't mean you're doomed to a future of sad, lonely Christmases. 
Aw, I'm sorry you feel upset
I don't think he means it personally though. I remember going through a phase of hating Christmas as a teenager - I think it's normal. You no longer have the "magic" of Santa, going to grottos etc. but you're also too young to decide what to do for yourself, so you're stuck doing whatever your family have planned.
When you have separated parents, you have all that to deal with twice over - it must be a bit frustrating sometimes.
I would agree with PP about maybe trying to start some new traditions. A nice meal out in a restaurant or pub, board games rather than kids films etc.
@coffeerevelsrock
This fills me with despair. I have tried not to replicate the relationship I had with my parents but I'm doomed to have a crap relationship with my adult children because I have one with my own parents? And despite being quite a shoddy parent ex will have a better one because he's close to his?
.No you're not, and as someone who is estranged and was in care I think this comment is quite cruel and unneccessary.
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So many thoughtful, helpful replies .
I feel I have to say about the traditions I outlined that they are low-key and up until last year anyway, remain child-led. I mean, one year a few years ago they weren't keen on decorating the tree so I did it myself without arguing. Ds2 was back on it after that and ds1 prides himself on putting it in the holder alone. In fact, last year he told me he had always done that and wondered how I would cope when he's left home, which made me smile as I did it on my own when he was aged 7-11ish!
The Christmas Eve lunch is my choice as I do all the cooking. The elf bags have been massively scaled back, especially for ds1, who doesn't like pyjamas/slippers/dressing gowns or slippers, variations of which they contain, and told me a couple of years ago he only wanted the hot chocolate and mug and reassured me he wouldn't see it as unfair if ds2 got more, which I was happy to comply with. They used to then eat tea in the new pjs, but obviously I don't enforce that now, though ds2 does it willingly as he would live in pjs if he could. I don't try and pretend elves left them either, but I just can't think what else to call them. Both kids stopped believing in Santa at around 5-6 as, despite what some are saying, we never made an elaborate massive deal of it. Hasn't stopped them wanting the bags and stockings though, at least up to now.
Smashing the house is just so they can eat it, not a huge ritual, and I've offered other breakfasts but ds2 likes the little boxes and ds1's not bothered. Last year, as every other year, both kids ran to put the films on after tea and gave every appearance of loving them. I realise that won't go on forever and this may be the year more of it changes, but I'm just saying none of it is that big of a deal, there have been changes over the years and I'm not the one driving it all.
I will definitely sit down and talk to them both about how they want to do things this year though.
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